The American way or the highway
Get ready, world. Managed mass democracy and market capitalism are coming. It'll be good for you. We promise
Don't you dream of the day when Iraqis, South Ossetians or whoever - Africans? - can have the plenitude of blessings that democracy brings? I know I do. I have a dream that one day international media conglomerates will poll Iraqis in Anbar province on the latest "gaffe" of Nouri al-Maliki. Won't that be liberating? I dream of a Fox News affiliate in the Caucuses that informs the South Ossetians on what South Ossetians think of Mikhail Sakashvilli's neckwear choices. I wake up thinking: If these poor and variously swarthy mouth-breathers could get just a taste of Sarah Palin's Lipstickgate, they would understand the inferiority of totalitarianism.
That's why I'm so happy about the astounding and inspiring unity of purpose in foreign policy among America's two ruling parties. On the question of Georgia, both of America's ideological factions bravely committed themselves to democracy over the truth. In the centre-left New Republic, David Greenberg lamented: "Many liberals took pains to find fault on both sides, rather than focusing on Russian aggression." The centre-right pundit Robert Kagan said it better: "The details of who did what to precipitate Russia's war against Georgia are not very important. Do you recall the precise details of the Sudeten Crisis that led to Nazi Germany's invasion of Czechoslovakia? Of course not." That's right. Don't let the facts confuse you, just remember Hitler. Now, let's roll!
This unity reaches up to presidential politics and extends to the Middle East. Bush, after declaring near-victory in Iraq, announced a 5% reduction of American forces there. "USA! USA!" He then proposed a "quiet surge" in Afghanistan. So Barack Obama called for a much louder one. "It is not enough troops, and not enough resources, with not enough urgency," the "anti-war" Obama says. Right on, Barack! What's a surge without a sense of urgency?
You might ask, has the surge worked? And you might be a traitor who wants dictators to gas little children and puppies. But I'll humour you. In this matter, I defer to the wisdom of Donald Rumsfeld: There are unknowns and knowns, you know. Does the Iraqi government have legitimacy? Unknown. Will the Sunni Awakening hold together? Unknown. Do both major party candidates agree that the surge has worked? Known. One of the requirements of the surge was to ensure domestic support for the war. On that score the surge, like, totally worked.
So get ready, world. Managed mass democracy and market capitalism are coming your way. Just wait until commercial homebuilders bulldoze the horrifyingly particular - and therefore strange - features of your landscape and put cable television outlets in every room for you. Surely in gratitude you'll abandon any weird and ancient religious scruples. We prefer religion that comes from television. Or religion that is television. Here's a bonus: once you get hooked up, your elite class can quote Marshall McLuhan, while ignoring everything he says.
And let's get something straight: You'll have free trade. It won't really be free trade. What we mean by this is an exchange. We'll right up a several-thousand-page agreement that gives incumbency to preferred businesses in both countries. Then you will sell your natural resources, and we'll sell your new class of speculators our debt. If you can produce children with nimble fingers, well, they can sew our boots. You'll get a McDonald's, which means we will never attack you. Unless you are Russia.
Sometimes the "hidden hand" of the free economy feels a little … violating, I know. But that's just its adolescent fumbling. Your inhibitions - or local economy - need to be dropped. Take a deep breath. If it hurts, just lie back and think of England. Or take this pill. We're going to do a little role-playing here. It'll be kinky. I'll be America, and I'll start: "Now, open your markets, bitch! I'm going to liberate you so hard."
The American way or the highway
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Originally Posted by mex
