Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[fan_ta]

The Burglar and Jesus...


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, click ed his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.


Finally, in the corner of th e room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'


The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.


'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'



'The kind of people that would name a Rotteweiller Jesus.
__________________

[michigan]

I was talking to the 8 year-old daughter of a friend of mine, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what's the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the grass, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, 'cause after all she's only 8. And while her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work himself, and you can just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

[valevsska]

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought
his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit,
even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be
sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera
flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed
down even further as he drove past the area, but the
traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth
time with the same result. The fifth time he was
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in
the mail for driving without a seat belt.

[valevsska]

The 11th Husband


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.


"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was............... I miss him.


" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT". This time I know I'M gonna get screwed."

[Инквизитор]

Yiddish Humor


Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. " Just answer the question." Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele."

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.
Den a Highway Patrolman came along.. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say? :grum::grum::grum:

[Yura717]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant! m! y tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over? I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop:
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a .m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop:
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you,
Vinnie

[fan_ta]

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow…………….Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange ……………Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

[Screw101]

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow…………….Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange ……………Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

Hey, Fanta! Long time eh...how the hell are ya?

[stydent]

Define fart: mating call for queers

[fan_ta]

i'm f great - ta