Need Help! Eto pohozhe na autobiographical essay?

[violetta0221]

Я конечно сама намудрила, т.к. с темои ломалась долго....:confused:
И как с параграфами y меня? ок? Спасибо!!!



It happened to me about 14 years ago, but I remember it like it was just yesterday. It was winter, and for some reason I had problems sleeping. I would wake up with a feeling that something or someone was standing by my bed and looking at me with straight, heavy and angry eyes. (This happens sometimes: somebody is looking at you very deeply as if pushing you down).
I would cover myself in the blanket, close my eyes and try to fall asleep, but yet still had the feeling that “somebody” was watching me. I was scared to look at “him.” I lost my sleep. I was scared to death. One night while sleeping and dreaming, I felt something really heavy on my legs, and they felt paralyzed. I felt panic, and I felt like I needed to do something. With unbelievable power, I was able to move my toe and all of a sudden the heaviness disappeared.
My silent fight had just started. Every night felt heavier and heavier, longer and longer. One night I thought I wouldn’t make it; the feeling was so heavy that I couldn’t breathe. It seemed as if it was my only chance to survive, and I tried with all my energy to move my legs. That night I decided to look at my fear.
The next night I waited. As soon as I felt pressure in my legs, I immediately turned on the other side. It was then that I saw “It,” a six feet tall, black colored shadow. I think I swallowed my tongue, because I wanted to scream so much but couldn’t even make a sound. Suddenly, the shadow disappeared. I slept the rest of the night like a baby, but only until the next night.
Again I went to bed and fell asleep immediately. I dreamed and I saw myself running with the fastest speed in the hallway, and on the floor was a white lane like on the highway. I felt I needed to turn, but my speed was gaining. I raised my eyes, and I awoke. I turned towards my sister’s bed, and I saw the shadow standing in front of her bed leaning towards her. I started screaming. My sister awoke and started screaming too.
The next morning my sister told me that she also had felt the very heavy pressure on her legs, and her legs, too, had felt paralyzed. I told her to look straight at the shadow the next time; to look at her fear. And she did.
This shadow left our family, yet we have remembered this story since. For the rest of our lives we will look upon it as a lesson to look straight at our fear in order to overcome it.

[Loafer2008]

Как я понял, автор - женщина лет 20-30? А для каких целей сочинение? В целом - неплохо, но не "Purple Prose", конечно. Т.е. можно более "цепляющие" метафоры подобрать. Что-то вроде: не "маленькая деревня", а "вохкая деревня", или "мокрая деревня".... Идея понятна? Да это, впрочем, зависти от целей и уровня требований....

Я в грамматике лично плохо разбираюсь - сам безумно неграмотен.

Я бы поменял "and on the floor was a white lane like on the highway." на "and on the floor was a white dashed marker line, just like the one you would expect to see on a highway lane."

Ещё в пере мест можно подумать, там...

С пунктуацией, кажется, там есть "непонятки". Но я - не спец.

Может тут кто лучше в английском разбирается. Подождём, посмотрим. Если нет, то я порекомендую другие сайты, с филологами.

[Loafer2008]

Вот, попробуйте тут найти "филолога" американца:

http://lingvoforum.net

Если не получается, то контактируйте "iopq" - у него образование техническое, но интересуется он лингвистикой. Насколько разбирается в орфографии с пунктуацией - не знаю, я с ним только о фонетике говорил. Хороший молодой парень 21-22 года, с 11 лет в Калифорнии. Можете на меня сослаться.

Dimitri Chapov.


PS От меня: подумайте о "pressure in my legs" vs "she also had felt the very heavy pressure on her legs" (I am confused about "in" and "on")

"I told her to look straight at the shadow the next time; to look at her fear."

Точка с запятой обычно связывает абсолютно разные предложения в одну смысловую группу... Мне кажется тут скорее надо тире использовать или перефразировать вообще. И "told" надо бы заменить на что-нибудь более "purple"...

[9999]

It happened to me about 14 years ago, but I remember it like it was just yesterday. It was winter, and for some reason I had problems sleeping. I would wake up with a feeling that something or someone was standing by my bed and looking at me with straight, heavy and angry eyes. (This happens sometimes: somebody is looking at you very deeply as if pushing you down).
I would cover myself in the blanket, close my eyes and try to fall asleep, but yet still had the feeling that “somebody” was watching me. I was scared to look at “him.” I lost my sleep. I was scared to death. One night while sleeping and dreaming, I felt something really heavy on my legs, and they felt paralyzed. I felt panic, and I felt like I needed to do something. With unbelievable power, I was able to move my toe and all of a sudden the heaviness disappeared.
My silent fight had just started. Every night felt heavier and heavier, longer and longer. One night I thought I wouldn’t make it; the feeling was so heavy that I couldn’t breathe. It seemed as if it was my only chance to survive, and I tried with all my energy to move my legs. That night I decided to look at my fear.
The next night I waited. As soon as I felt pressure in my legs, I immediately turned on the other side. It was then that I saw “It,” a six feet tall, black colored shadow. I think I swallowed my tongue, because I wanted to scream so much but couldn’t even make a sound. Suddenly, the shadow disappeared. I slept the rest of the night like a baby, but only until the next night.
Again I went to bed and fell asleep immediately. I dreamed and I saw myself running with the fastest speed in the hallway, and on the floor was a white lane like on the highway. I felt I needed to turn, but my speed was gaining. I raised my eyes, and I awoke. I turned towards my sister’s bed, and I saw the shadow standing in front of her bed leaning towards her. I started screaming. My sister awoke and started screaming too.
The next morning my sister told me that she also had felt the very heavy pressure on her legs, and her legs, too, had felt paralyzed. I told her to look straight at the shadow the next time; to look at her fear. And she did.
This shadow left our family, yet we have remembered this story since. For the rest of our lives we will look upon it as a lesson to look straight at our fear in order to overcome it.

Briefly:

1."I would wake up"- I woke up
2.Eyes can not be "straight" or "heavy".
3."something really heavy on my legs"- something very heavy
4."but yet still had "- but still had
5."That night I decided to look at my fear."- Explore my fear?
6."running with the fastest speed in the hallway"- running as fast as I can
7. "I started screaming"- I began to scream
8."My sister awoke "- my sister woke up
9."straight at the shadow the next time"- next time...directly at the shadow
10."to look at her fear"- same as 5.
11."to look straight at our fear "- same as 9.


How many words do you need? This is very short, paragraphs suppose to be 5 sentences and introduction-conclusion more defined.

[elfy]

Briefly:

1."I would wake up"- I woke up
2.Eyes can not be "straight" or "heavy".
3."something really heavy on my legs"- something very heavy
4."but yet still had "- but still had
5."That night I decided to look at my fear."- Explore my fear?
6."running with the fastest speed in the hallway"- running as fast as I can
7. "I started screaming"- I began to scream
8."My sister awoke "- my sister woke up
9."straight at the shadow the next time"- next time...directly at the shadow
10."to look at her fear"- same as 5.
11."to look straight at our fear "- same as 9.


How many words do you need? This is very short, paragraphs suppose to be 5 sentences and introduction-conclusion more defined.

1. I would wake up - оставьте, как есть. Это верный грамматический прием, использованный автором, для передачи действия, которое происходило в прошлом постоянно, повторно, каждую ночь, а не один раз, как в случае с "I woke up"
2. в качестве эпитета можно еще и не те прилагательные встретить
можно исправить глаза на взгляд, конечно (straight, heavy look)
5. я бы написала look at the source of my fear (автор, как мне показалось, именно хочет передать то, что она хочет посмотреть (физически взглянуть) rather than explore (разобраться, психологически взглянуть) на свои страхи

[violetta0221]

Spasibo! A eto voobshe pohozhe na aftobiograficheskoe essay? Ya dolgo dumala nad temoi, no ne hotela pisat'chto to tipa - the worst/best day/moment of my life . A s paragraphami kak? vse li svyazano verno, transition to the next paraghraph i t.d.

[elfy]

Spasibo! A eto voobshe pohozhe na aftobiograficheskoe essay? Ya dolgo dumala nad temoi, no ne hotela pisat'chto to tipa - the worst/best day/moment of my life . A s paragraphami kak? vse li svyazano verno, transition to the next paraghraph i t.d.

если честно, то нет
в автобиографическом эссе обычно пишут, как вы "докатились" до того, что решили поступать в их учебное заведение
хотя, то что Вы написали, может быть частью эссе, описывающей, что Вы чего-то там боялись (например, крови), но очень хотели быть врачом и поэтому решили face your fears and apply for medical school

[9999]

1. I would wake up - оставьте, как есть. Это верный грамматический прием, использованный автором, для передачи действия, которое происходило в прошлом постоянно, повторно, каждую ночь, а не один раз, как в случае с "I woke up"

Перечитал, вы правы. Сбило с толку "It happened to me about 14 years ago, but I remember it like it was just yesterday". Слишком резкий переход получается, вначале речь об одном событии, потом о ряде событий.

Что касается "можно встретить"- встретить то можно, негры еще не то выдают, речь о том КАК ПРАВИЛЬНО НАПИСАТЬ.

[9999]

Спасибо! А ето вообше похоже на афтобиографическое ессаы? Я долго думала над темои, но не хотела писатьчто то типа - тхе щорст/бест даы/момент оф мы лифе . А с параграпхами как? все ли связано верно, транситион то тхе нехт парагхрапх и т.д.

Похоже на сказку.
Начинать биографическое эссе с некоего события, произведшего на вас впечатление можно, но одно должно быть привязано к дальнейшему об'яснению своей личности и того, как это на вас отразилось. Из данного можно только заключить что вы страдаете психическими расстройствами ;)

[Loafer2008]

Fears. We all face them at some points of our lives. Some of us just deal with them, leveling with our hearts and inner selves, leaving a bloody trail of crashed personal scares behind, and emerging victoriously from each and every little war with that treacherous yellow streak within us, just to be better equipped – when the time comes – to face another “monster”. If we don’t stand up and fight, the monster is going to be here to stay for the rest of our days, haunting us at the least expected and reasonable moments, poisoning our perception of the very existence, and welcoming even more “monsters” to join the company, making our lives downright unbearable and miserable.

No. I am not talking about reasonable precautions and risk assessments. Not even fears of failure. I’m bringing up the issue with really ridiculous childish fears, which daunt some people well into their adulthoods, too, unless they learn how to nip them right in the bud, when those still are childish, and truly innocent and benevolent.


I was about 12 years old back then….. and so on ...