Смех сегодня (в Америке)

[Krakadil]

Returning home after a tour of the U.S,. an Australian aborigine
told his tribespeople about the strangest sight he had seen.

"It was called a courtroom," he said.
"And in it, one man sat silent, another was talking constantly.
And when it was over,
twelve people ignored the one who was talking
and condemned the man who hadn't said a word!"
____________________

An old guy went to his doctor and said, "Doc,
I think I'm getting senile.
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor.
"Senility is when you forget to zip down."
________________

There are three roads to ruin:
women, gambling and technology.

The most pleasant is with women,
the quickest is with gambling,
but the surest is with technology.
______________

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,
my elderly neighbor and his wife
were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old,"
the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.
_____________________

[Krakadil]

Some choose to embrace common sense and "beliefs" that are credible.while
others choose to live in a TWILIGHT ZONE where fiction, fallacies and
foolishness prevails.

1) Muslim's "claims" that God rewards martyrs that kill infidels with 72
virgins (women martyrs get 72 pairs of shoes)

2) Some believe that human beings were placed here by aliens from another
planet or galaxy (that is what explains UFO sightings)

3) Evolutionist's "claim" that planet Earth is simply a random distribution
of molecules over billions of years (and Mount Rushmore was formed by
natural erosion)

4) Astrologist's "claim" that the Zodiac has influence over the affairs of
humanity (this explains why some become missionaries and others become
suicide bombers)

5) Hindu's "claim" that we are all recycled after death through a process of
reincarnation (this explains the inequities of life - it all depends on
what "cycle" your on)

6) Astonomist's "claim" that the universe is the result of a cosmic "big
bang" explosion (even though all other explosions ever observed has created
destruction and disorder)

7) Muslim's "claims" that Islam is the religion of peace (we will have
"peace" when ALL convert to Islam)

8) Atheist's "claim" that man and all other living creatures are the result
of "spontaneous generation" (there may be yet hope for your "pet rock")

9) New Agers "claim" that man is evolving into "gods" (obviously, some have
more evolving to do than others)

10) Scientologist's "claim" that humans descended from "gods" who gave up
their power to enter the material world of Earth (that would make our
descendants of a bunch of "fools")

the remaining 30 can be found at. www.beliefanalysis.net

[Krakadil]

Searching for enlightenment
In the beginning there were the pages. Then the next creation came to pass and there were two links and The Creator did link the pages together and saw that the links were not broken and were alone in the net. The links were whole and complete even though they were naked and without style or script to adorn them.

And the web was formless and void, and darkness lay in the minds of the web seekers and the spirit of Godgle was moving over the surface of the net. The sun and the sisko did come together as a mosaic and there was light.



Все читать здесь http://www.siliconglen.com/news/2006...ghtenment.html

[Krakadil]

Political Humor

"We're turning our ports over to the Arabs. We can't even turn Iraq over
to
the Arabs. ... This is like putting Bill Clinton in charge at a Hooters,
it's not a good idea." --Jay Leno

"How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot a man in the face and have
that person say, 'My bad'?" --Jon Stewart, on Harry Whittington's apology
to
Cheney

"Who better to manage a seaport than people who live in the desert?" --Jay
Leno

"The United Arab Emirates says we will get our ports back if we take
Michael
Jackson back." --David Letterman

"Today was the big White House President's Day clearance sale -- all our
ports must go, no offer refused, no enemy turned down, Crazy George is
insane, come on down!" --Jay Leno

"Bush concluded his tour today with a visit to the Energy Department's
National Renewable Energy Lab in Golden, Colorado. Funny story, actually,
two weeks ago, 32 workers were laid off from the lab due to a budget
shortfall. This weekend, Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman transferred $5
million to the lab restoring the workers' jobs just in time for the
president's visit. Wow, if only the president would visit Ford." --Jon
Stewart

"More problems for the White House. Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff said
he
met with President Bush almost a dozen times, contradicting the White
House
claims that Bush didn't know him. In President Bush's defense, it was
pretty
dark inside Abramoff's back pocket." --Jay Leno

[Krakadil]

A man who was late in paying his bills received the following note:

"Your account has been on our books for over a year.
Just want to remind you we have now carried you longer than your mother
did."

*.*

I do the gas and electric billing for a small city
in Washington State.
Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills,
which they said looked too much like junk mail
so we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes.

The month before the switch,
I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.

Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist,
"Is this some kind of joke?"
When the customer threw his bill on the desk, I saw his point.

The note was printed,
"Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"

*.*

With the Hamas victory, now Americans know
how the rest of the world felt when Bush was re-elected.


The best measure of a person's honesty isn't the income tax return.
It's the zero adjust on the bathroom scale.

[Krakadil]

An Eskimo mother was reading to her son in their igloo,
'Little Jack Horner sat in the corner.'
The kid looked around and said, 'What's a corner.?'


You know you are now middle-aged when people
stopped saying you look good
and started saying you look good for your age.


CNN said that, after the war, there is a plan
to divide Iraq into 3 parts,
regular, premium and unleaded.


Marriage is a union. A union of heart,
a union of soul, a union of minds,
but wait 'til you have to pay those union dues.


The best time to give advice to your children
is while they're still young enough
to believe you know what you're talking about.

[Krakadil]

A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.



This is how it manifests:



I decide to water my garden.



As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide

it needs washing.



As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch

table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.



I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.



I lay the car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage

can under the table, and notice that the can is full.



So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the

garbage first.



But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.



I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check

left.



My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house

to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.



I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke

aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is

getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep

it cold.



As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the

counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.



I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses

that I've been searching for all morning.



I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to

water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a

container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it

on the kitchen table.



I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for

the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I

decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water

the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it

spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get

some towels and wipe up the spill.



Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:



* The car isn't washed.

* The bills aren't paid.

* There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter.

* The flowers don't have enough water.

* The floor is soaked.

* There is still only one check in my check book.

* I can't find the remote.

* I can't find my glasses.

* I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

* The yard is flooded.



Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really

baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I

realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll check my e-mail.

[SpaceMarine]

HISTORY OF MATH TEACHING IN THE UNITED STATES:



Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58.

The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and
gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking
at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to
just give me two quarters back, but she called the manager for help. While he
tried to explain the transaction to her, she just stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the following evolution in teaching
math since the 1950s:



Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit?



Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?



Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80. Did he make a profit?



Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation
of our woodlands.. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you
think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut
down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)



Teaching Math In 2005

Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la
produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

[Krakadil]

Помните про описание социального устройства с помощью примера "две коровы"?
Вот одна из последних версий. Весьма неплохо.

Cow Political Science for Dummies......

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty
for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to
your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and
sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull,
and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm
program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then
pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce
the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You
spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top
of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a
hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of
vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count
them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count
them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over
however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send
radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed
and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The
Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants
control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in
half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes
for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown
one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote
at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one
you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real
California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold
likes the ones with the big udders.

[Cherry29]

Mother asked her littel daughter who was reading a book:What are you reading,dear?- ..I don't know- answered the girl.You don't know?! But you were reading aloud,so you must know.I was reading aloud,Mam,but I wasn't listening...:grum: