Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Robot]

Freudian Slip


Two guys were having a beer after work one day, enjoying casual
conversation. One says the the other, "Did you say
something that really came out the wrong way and embarrassed the hell
out of you? Just the other day, I was at the airport on
my way to a conference. The lady at the ticket counter was a real
knockout, with a low cut blouse and short skirt. What I
meant to say was "I need one round trip to Pittsburgh", but what I
really said was "I need one round trip picket to Tittsburgh."
Boy, was I embarassed!"

"Yeah, I know what you mean", replied his buddy. "Yesterday morning I
was having breakfast with my wife. What I meant to
say was "Honey, would you please pass the sugar?" But what I really said
was "You dumb fucking cunt! My life has been
miserable since the day we met."

[Акватрель]

The best toast (in an Irish accent)

John O'Mally hoisted his beer and
said, "Here's to spending the Rest of me life, between the legs of me
wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the
best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the best Toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
A few days later Mary ran into on e of John's
drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and
said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about
you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last
four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come

[С-нежная]

Первый урок, английский для начинающих:

"Три ведьмы разглядывают трое часов "Свотч". Какая из ведьм разглядывает какие часы?"

Теперь по английски!

Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?

Второй урок, английский для продвинутых учеников:

"Три ведьмы-трансвеститки разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из ведьм-трансвеститок разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?"

Теперь по английски!

Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Третий и последний урок, английский для абсолютных профессионалов:

"Три швейцарских ведьмы-сучки, желающих изменить свой пол, разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из швейцарских ведьм-сучек, желающих изменить свой пол,разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?"

Теперь по английски!

Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch switch?

[Mikhail-u]

Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and Chanukah you will know what and how to answer! 1 Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out For Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts*, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We allhave the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World JewishCongress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with theSame theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let'seat. 3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf. 4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc. 5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah. 6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis. 7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All YeFaithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully? 8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once. 9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. 10. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights. 11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story areAntiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history. 12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep withher,and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink". 13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!

[CrazyDiamond]

Just Married

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go
along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a
very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got
up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a
half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he
again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few
more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic
diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves
as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was
moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool
would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the
pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about
thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and laid down
on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?"
"No", she said, "I was a hooker in Halifax and I worked both sides
of the harbour."

[Krakadil]

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill
Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with

the proposition that they were nearly identical stories ! His cool

professor gave him an A+ for this report:



Titanic: $29.99

Clinton: $29.99



Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton: Over 3 hours to read



Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.



Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.



Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.



Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.



Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let's not go there.



Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.



Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.



Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.



Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

[Krakadil]

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.
>
> He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
>
> the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
>
> She said to tell you that she wanted a
> Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."
>
> The saleslady said, "We don't get as many requests
> for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra
> or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
>
> Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"
>
> The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The catholic type
> supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
> Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright." Religious Scientist Bra is knowing all is
> uplifting,
>
> He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
>
> "They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".
> And, if you need more bra info - here's some more:
> Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G,
> & H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes?
>
> Well, if you've ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code:
>
> A. Almost Boobs
> B. Barely Boobs
> C. Can't complain
> D. Dang!
> DD. Double Dang!
> E. Enormous
> F. Fake
> G. Get a reduction
> H. HELP ME, I'VE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP

[Krakadil]

Old Men Can Still Think Fast

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly
shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket
to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting
and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young

women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

[Mikhail-u]

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".

This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".

This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

[Krakadil]

Married Priest And Nun

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a
small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one
bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll
sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the
nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the
blanket, and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift
off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He
unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the
sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he
remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the
wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're
married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."


To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own fucking blanket!"