Jewish Humor

[Дядя_Федор]

Про избалованную, но неграмотную мамашу? По-моему там есть более грустные анекдоты - про родителей, обделённых вниманием детей, например.

Нет, просто птичку жалко.

[Пума]

Про избалованную, но неграмотную мамашу? По-моему там есть более грустные анекдоты - про родителей, обделённых вниманием детей, например.

По-моему, это как раз про мать, дети которой просто откупаются от неё. Я бы не сказала, что мать избалованная или неграмотная. Ей просто не нужны дорогие подарки, ей нужно внимание её детей. Во всяком случае, я так этот анекдот понимаю.

[Mikhail-u]

По-моему, это как раз про мать, дети которой просто откупаются от неё. Я бы не сказала, что мать избалованная или неграмотная. Ей просто не нужны дорогие подарки, ей нужно внимание её детей. Во всяком случае, я так этот анекдот понимаю.

Это потому, что дети сыновья, т.е. мужики. Значит виноваты;)

[Пума]

Это потому, что дети сыновья, т.е. мужики. Значит виноваты;)

Ну это уже не мой вывод :D

[Mikhail-u]

The Jewish Indians

There was this family of Schmohawk Indians sitting around the shtetl one
night. The papa, Geronowitz; the mama, Pocayenta; and the beautiful
young daughter, Minihorwitz.

"So, nu," says the daughter, "You'll never believe."

"What?" says the mama.

Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage."

"Yes?" says the mama, "so what did you say?"

"I said Yes."

"You said Yes?"

"I said Yes."

"That's wonderful," says the mama. "She said Yes! Did you hear that
Geronowitz, Minihorwitz is getting married!"

"I heard," says the papa, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?"

"Sittin' Bagel."

"Sittin' Bagel?" says the mama, "of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"

"That's the one," says Minihorowitz.

"Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them! How can we
feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?"

"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.

"Geronowitz! Get me abuffalo!" says the mama.

"What, at this hour?"

"No, Geronowitz, for the wedding! I can make buffalo tzimmes from the
meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo!"

So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and a night and
Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and another night, and still
no sign of him. Another day and half the night, and Geronowitz comes
home - Exhausted. Staggering. And empty-handed..

Geronowitz! I've been worried sick. Where have you been? And where's my
buffalo?!"

"It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high, and I
hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo, he made
Mickey Rooney look strong. It was a tiny, scrawny little buffalo, with
no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely enough hide for a
rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.

"The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, from this way and that
way, and I fially found a buffalo. He was a big buffalo, with lots of
meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest
buffalo I ever saw in my life. 'This', I thought to myself, 'is not the
buffalo for MY daughter's wedding. So again, I settled in for the night
to try again the next day.

"The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low, from
this way and that way, going up hills und down hills, suddenly, there it
was! A magnificent buffalo. It was a big buffalo. It was, as buffalos
go, a beautiful buffalo. It was, if I say so myself, the perfect
buffalo. This, I says to myself, is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for
Minihorowitz's wedding.

"So I reach into! my backpack quietly for my tomahawk and, as I tiptoe
over to the buffalo, I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck,
when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."

"See what?" says Pocayenta.

***************************
"I've brought the dairy tomahawk!"

[Mikhail-u]

ACTUAL PERSONAL ADS FROM ISRAELI NEWSPAPERS
> >
> > Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday
> > morning. Would like to take you out Saturday
> > night Please write. POB 81
> >
> > Couch potato latke, in search of the right
> > applesauce Let's try it for eight days.
> > Who knows? POB 43.
> >
> > Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul
> > with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays,
> > build Sukkah together, attend brisses,bar
> > mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658
> >
> > Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or
> > can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you
> > show me yours. POB 72
> >
> > Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur,
> > Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah,
> > Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks
> > companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
> >
> > Yeshiva bochur, Torah s! cholar, long beard, payos.
> > Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
> >
> > Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write POB 74.
> >
> > Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage.No personality. POB
76
> >
> > Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar,
> > exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.POB 56.
> >
> > Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath
> > candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles,
> > Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker POB 787.
> >
> > Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in
> > my behind. Looking for American-born woman
> > who speaks English very good. POB 555.
> >
> > I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open
> > your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts
> > and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your
insecurities.
> No fatties, please. POB 86.
> >
> > Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
> > independent, self-made. Looking for
> > girl whose father will hire me. POB 22

[Mikhail-u]

"The trip to Israel"


Rabbi Rabinovitz is going on holiday to Israel. He arrives at Heathrow Airport and goes to have his luggage checked in. "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" asks the girl at the check-in desk. Rabbi Rabinovitz replies, "Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?"

[Mikhail-u]

A woman goes to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denominations?"

"Oh my G-d," the woman says. "Has it come to this? Give me 35 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 3 Reform."

[Mikhail-u]

Yankel had been an active member of the Union for over 40 years.

When his Union hears the sad news of his passing, they choose Brother Peter Smith to represent them at the funeral.

After the funeral, the Union's President calls Brother Peter Smith for a report on how the funeral went.

"Well," says Peter, "sometimes I think Jews can be as crazy as the rest of us. When I got to the funeral, this little old man with a beard came up to me and asked if I was a brother. When I said I was, he took out a knife and started cutting up my suit."

[Mikhail-u]

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression, 'Vus titzuch?'"
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?

"Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression
which roughly translates to 'what's happening'. They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to go undercover to determine if this is true.
He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat), and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?


The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Moshe and Avram went to a fish restaurant. They ordered one lunch and 2
plates to share it. The waiter brought 1 large fish and one small fish.
"Avram, you choose first", said Moshe
"No, please you choose."
"OK, I will take". Moshe took a big piece and put it on his plate
Avram, looked upset and said, "I figured You would take a big one"
"And which would you take?"
"The small one"
"Nu, so what is the problem?"