Смех сегодня (в Америке)

[Krakadil]

Terrorist Update

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual
later discovered to be a public school teacher was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and
a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General
Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The
FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of
math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said.
"They desire average solutions by means and
extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
a search for absolute value. They use secret
code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have
determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there
are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest,
President Bush said, "If G-d had wanted
us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes."

[Krakadil]

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Still smarting from the Katrina debacle, Bush
administration officials have been fanning out over the past few days
to offer assurance to Americans concerned about the possible find of
mad cow disease in the United States. CAP News has pulled together some
of their statements regarding this issue:

"Mad what?" - President Bush, Sunday as he arrived at church

"Anyone claiming that the meat supply in this country is bad is aiding
and abetting the enemy. I'm eating pot roast tonight. You think
terrorists eat pot roast, Tim? Fuck no." - Vice President Cheney,
Sunday on Meet The Press

"Screw the cow - I need to see a man about a horse." - President Bush,
Sunday following a lengthy brunch

"I think mad is a very confrontational word, Bob. We prefer to think of
them as just 'kind of angry' cows." - Scott McClellan, Monday's press
gaggle

"Do you eat the steak you want? No, you eat the steak you have." -
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Monday at a defense briefing

"Who the hell cares?" - Department of the Interior Secretary Gale
Norton, caught cleaning out her desk on Monday

"I mean, heh heh, I don't think anyone could have seen this coming." -
President Bush, Monday

"And when I say 'seen this coming,' I just meant that this is a
viralism, very tiny. Can you see viralisms? No more questions, God
bless America." - President Bush, Monday, five minutes and an animated
discussion with three cabinet members later

"We're seriously looking at Iran." - Secretary of State Condoleezza
Rice, Monday morning

"We're seriously looking at North Korea." - Secretary of State
Condoleezza Rice, Monday afternoon

"We're seriously looking at... (note: at this point in time, her spring
ran down and aides spent several minutes winding up a large key on her
back before she was able to continue) ...Syria." - Secretary of State
Condoleezza Rice, Monday evening

"Johannsie, you're doing a heck of a job." - President Bush, Tuesday as
he posed with Department of Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns in front
of a pile of pig manure in rural Maryland

"I just want to assure this committee that all meat is taste-tested at
our Guantanamo facility before it enters the US food supply." -
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Tuesday, testifying before Congress

"If it is mad, we'll just send Dick hunting with it, heh heh." -
President Bush, Tuesday as he posed with a chicken at Camp David

"I have seen this 'mad cow' video in question, and I don't think it's
mad. A little klutzy, maybe. It could just be dancing, even." - Senate
Majority Leader Bill Frist, Tuesday from the Senate floor

"Mad what?" - President Bush, Tuesday night as he left the Oval Office
for night-nights

[Krakadil]

When we flew on MEA the pre landing announcement from the
> captain went something like
>
> "In a short while we will be landing at Rabat, if it be the will
> of Allah." Not exactly reassuring to anyone not brought up with that
> fatalistic outlook.

[Krakadil]

Although a bright and able man, my husband is almost completely
helpless when faced with even the simplest domestic chore.

One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him that our friend, Betty
had taught her husband Frank, to cook, sew
and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened to Betty,
Frank would be able to care for himself.

Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"
After considering that possibility for a moment,
my husband said happily, "I'd move in with Frank."

[Krakadil]

Parents are worried about the failing eyesight
of their two teenagers.

The daughter can't find anything to wear
in a closet full of clothes
and the son can't find anything good to eat
in a refrigerator full of food

[Krakadil]

The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars,

was given by Mark Twain.

His story was that when he had listened for five minutes
to the preacher telling of the heathen,
he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars.

After ten minutes more of the sermon,
he reduced the amount
of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars.

After half an hour more of eloquence,
he cut the sum to five dollars.

At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed,
he stole two dollars.

[Krakadil]

The 21st Century

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our religion - Creedless

Our food - Fatless

Our faith - G-Dless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Clueless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our boss - Brainless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Salary - Very less
_____________________

[Krakadil]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods,
until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
________________

Have you ever noticed when shopping in a department store,
we think only once when buying on credit and twice when paying cash?
___________________

I'm not worried about a bullet with my name on it.
I'm worried about the thousands out there marked "Occupant."
____________________

This country is rapidly proving to be a place with two cars in every
garage,
neither of them paid for.
_____________________

Spring is wonderful. It makes you feel young enough to do
all the things you're old enough, to know you can't.
____________________

The formula for a happy marriage is the same as for living in
California:
when you find a fault, don't dwell on it.
___________________

If I begin to procrastinate today instead of tomorrow,
would that be considered self-improvement?
__________________

I sure miss the days when someone else pumped your gas
and checked your tires for you. . . .and it was even cheaper back
then.

[Krakadil]

Sol is standing in front of a shop window in a busy
Amsterdam street with his wife Ruth.

He says, "SO you like the dress?"
"Oh Yes" she says "It is a beautiful dress".

"So you really like the dress?"
"Oh yes," says Ruth, "it is pleasure for the eye".

"Alright" says Sol, "You know what?
Tomorrow, we'll come back and you can look at it again!"
__________________

The phone rings and 80 year old Victor answers it.
"Hello," says Victor.

"Can I speak to Moshe please," says the woman caller.

"I'm sorry," says Victor,
"but you've got the wrong number."

"Are you sure?" asks the caller.

"Listen lady," says Victor,
"have I ever lied to you before?"
____________________

[Krakadil]

During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Washington factory,
I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled. Before the
engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep
the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and
marked, "14,000 lbs." But what I found particularly interesting was
some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted
there was the warning:
"Remove before flight."