Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Жалоба]

'MAN OF THE HOUSE.'
The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE.' He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on,I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, "guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess." :evillaugh

[Жалоба]

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty
interesting:

1. 85% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 5% say they don't care; they love him;
he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.


:D

[Krakadil]

The phone rang. The lady of the house answered. "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When the doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples
from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which
one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or
terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked. "Well, one Mr. Ward has tested
positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which
your husband's is." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally, yes but Medicare won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in
the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[Krakadil]

An elderly gentleman carefully walked to the drug store there in the
neighborhood and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist asked "How
many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into
four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That is too small a dose. That won't get
you through sex." The old fellow said, "Oh, I am past eighty-five years old
and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

A camel and an elephant met. The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have
your breasts on your back?" The camel, clearly irritated by the outrage of
modesty, replied: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his
face."

[Krakadil]

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of
standing cock

[Alechko]

Девки спорили на даче
У кого пизда лохмаче.
Оказалось, что лохмаче
У самой хозяйки дачи.

Girls had fight at country hut
Over who"s the hairest cunt.
Well, more hair of the most
Had the beaver of the host.

[Жалоба]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want
to offend you"

She answers," My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1,
you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his
fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

[Krakadil]

A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a
secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no
to everything." "Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl stammered. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a
lot of fun if you're on the level about this."


Colin was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.
Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found Colin
standing there with no shirt and no shoes or socks on. "What the hell are
you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said Colin.
"I just came in my pants!"


A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar
and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his
face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting
married, but what's up - you look so excited!" The groom replies, "I just
had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying
the wonderful woman who gave it to me." Now the bride comes walking down the
aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid
of honour notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to
be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!" The bride replies
"I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

[Krakadil]

Two couples went on a vacation together. One of the men stated, "Our sex
life has become routine and fairly predictable, don't you ever get tired of
your wife?" "I know exactly what you mean, I wonder if our wives will
consent to swapping." Much to their amazement the women consented to the
arrangement. Early the next morning the husbands compared notes. "How was
it?" "Wonderful, I haven't had this much fun in ages!" "Me, too. Now
let's go see how the ladies made out."

[Krakadil]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very
delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."