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[Krakadil]

NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth
at 90,000 miles a second.
What do you suppose they know that we don't?
____________________

I am a Democrat . . and every day
I pray that Dubya will enjoy good health.
Dick Cheney really scares me.
_____________________

When I was a kid, all we had to do was just sit around
and hope somebody would
invent television so we could play Nintendo.
__________________

Jake: My wife has the worst memory.

Moe: Forgets everything, eh?

Jake: No, remembers everything.
___________________
Telling lies is: a fault in a boy, an art in a lover,
an accomplishment in a bachelor
and second nature in a married man.
________________

Historians tell us about the past and
economists about the future;
thus, only the present is confusing.
____________________

Leaders are chosen to serve.
Trouble always begins
when the leader forgets this.
________________

"Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may now start
allowing wrestlers to wear pants.
Ah, great - there goes the sex appeal." - Dave Letterman

[Krakadil]

The rich, old, dying man called his lawyer to his bedside
for the purpose of disposing of his wordly goods.

"How many children have you?" the lawyer asked.

"That, sir," said the old-timer, "will be decided by the courts
when my will is contested."

=========================

With only one clerk working the window at my local post office,
the line was moving quite slowly. As I waited,
I began to fill out my check to speed things up when
I reached the counter.
Unsure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me.

"It's the fifth," she replied.

>From the back of the line, a man suggested,
"Oh, I wouldn't write the date in just yet."

[Krakadil]

Some goodies about Senior Citizens

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."


-----------------------------------------
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table

awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia

he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;

do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,

if something happens to me .

your mother is going to come

and live with you and your wife...."

-----------------------------------------
Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
------------------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh
at when you are old.
-------------------------------------------

[Krakadil]

Warning To All Men:
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting
pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman. A date rape-drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females
to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and
is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and
in large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and
bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of
"beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are
rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will
often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to
whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often
awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night
before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At
other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings
in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in
extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this
scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory
female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you
fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering
it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can
discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner
with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest
you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

[Krakadil]

There's a fellow who is a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an
early tee off time. He gets up early and eager, golf's all day long,
sometimes 36 holes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to
the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a
torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is
blowing 50 mph. He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and
turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather
all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses
and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispers "The weather out there is terrible." To
which she sleepily replies "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing
in that shit?"

[Krakadil]

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Citing concerns with the way that the gritty "Crash"
beat out favored gay cowboy movie "Brokeback Mountain", Al Gore has
called for a partial recount of Oscar ballots.

"While we respect the integrity of The Association of Motion Picture
Arts and Sciences, we find it difficult to believe that 'Brokeback'
lost," Gore said at a news conference. The film's director, Ang Lee,
shared the podium with Gore. "We are calling for a recount of all
ballots submitted by gay actors."

When asked who he was wearing, Mr. Gore affirmed that it was Armani and
unbuttoned his suit coat to show a stunning bejeweled "Big Al" tie
clip. Mr. Lee was wearing a custom design composed of Banana Republic,
Levis and Adidas.

Gore was quick to deny that this was some deep-seated psychological
attempt to replay the 2000 election debacle.

"Look, there aren't even dangling chads involved here. The Academy uses
a completely different balloting system that features what we call
'chubs'. This is much more a dangling chub issue."

Gore added, "I'm not pointing fingers here, but do you really think the
Republicans want a gay cowboy picture to win the top Oscar? I'm just
saying..."

A political insider attributed Gore's interest in the issue simply to
taste. "Al just likes gay movies. He really, really likes them."

The accounting firm responsible for tallying Academy ballots,
PricewaterhouseCoopers, declined to comment for this article. The
pussies.

[Krakadil]

- Did you hear ?
- Someone got shot while trying to cross the border...
- Thats horrible !
- Not really, he was carrying some illegal items ...
- Drugs ?
- Yea, had 10 lbs of mariguana, 2 lbs of cocaine, A spanish speaking
parrot, a 14 year old prostitute, A book by Bill O'Reilley, and an apple...
- Yup, he deseved it...

Meanwhile, changing subject, Meedium speaks...

- You know Soponcio, being a customer service representative is really
hard...
- Why you say that ?
- Well, Because people take for granted what you do for them...
- Thats why Meedium, you shouldn't help the customer... You see, (
background music starts ) our ancestors knew that helping people was
good, they would help old people cross the street, help ladies with
their groceries bag, but eventually as time went by, they realized that
when you help someone, you get screwed over, so thats why, when we got
hired here for the first time, we made a vow to not help anyone...
- OH. interesting... so what if I WANT to help them out...
- dont...
- Does it bother you ?!?!?!?!
- ... well... um... no...

Boss came by...
- Y'all smeel that ??
- Your discontinued use of Old Spice ??
- NO, its smells like fear ...
- Oh god, boss is tripping again...
- Well no shit, the FM, Dominatrix, decided it was a hell of a good idea
to repaint the walls AGAIN, what the fuck does she think, that the walls
are like "mood rings" ???
- Hey, at least they wont be bright orange anymore...
- This could of been done during overnight hours, not while every goddam
agent is on the phone, getting high on wet paint...

Boss continued, wandering around like a lost fawn, ocaccionally jumping
up, trying to catch butterflies. I look at one of the painters, he looks
back. I've seen this guy before, I know it... He turns around and
mumbles something in Spanish to some other guy... I GOT IT !! I saw
these guys on The Migra's Most Wanted. The Migra (Mee-Gruh) is an
organization of officers that Patrol the Bordering regions of border
towns new mexico to seek illegal immigrants and play target practice,
make them slaves, or just plain old deport them. One of them goes up to
boss...

- Que onda ese ...
- What ?
- QUE ONDA GUEY ...
- Honda ?? No, I drive a Cavalier ...
- NO, pendejo, quieres mota ?

I recognize the word mota from the Discovery Channel, It means "Cannabis
Plant Cigarette", or as we US born people call it, a "joint" ( NOTE:
Arthritic people find this offensive ). "Joint" translates vaguely to
the Spanish slang "Toque", which translates vaguely to "electrical
Shock", which translates to "Electrocutacion", which translates back to
"Electrocution", which rhymes with "Execution", which occurs VERY often
in the State of Texas, which in a rare, coincidential manner, so is
"illegal immigration".

- C'man ese, entrale ...
- Alright, Ill do what you want, just dont hurt me ...

So Boss, goes with them out to the parking lot out back...

- Check-O, look, boss is going out to smoke a joint with those illegal
immigrant painters...
- ...
- Check-O ??

By the time I looked at him, he was flying outside, following Boss... By
the end of the day, people ended up with big headaches, vomiting, and
very very high. Boss came back better, he now seemes like a tame lion,
sitting at his desk, winking ocassionally, and letting out a huge laugh
here and there. Only in the Company, can we get high, legally...

[Krakadil]

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with
crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2
a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared
by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that
night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was
O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home,
please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip
several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at
the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the
terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks
waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son
saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I
waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy
while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet,
as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then
searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who
his Mom was.

[Krakadil]

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who run in front of car get tired.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

[Krakadil]

CONFUSCIOUS SAY:

A girl should not marry a basketball player - he dribbles before he shoots.
A girl's best asset is her li-ability.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls can not walk!
Boy and girl who go camping together, sure to be naughty intent.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Fool climb tree to get cherry. Wise man spread limbs.
Girls who marry detectives must kiss dicks.
House without toilet is uncanny.
If you park, do not drink. Accidents cause people.
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
If lady say No, she mean Maybe; If lady say Maybe, she mean Yes; If lady says Yes, she no lady.
Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!
It takes many nails to build crib, but just one screw to fill it.
It is OK to meet girl in park, much better to park meat in girl!
Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who eats pussy does lip service.
Man who fart in church sit in own phew.
Man who finger girl having period may get caught red handed.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who has hand down woman's pants, not feeling himself today.
Man who keeps feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!
Man who lifts stones off a woman gets rocks off.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who loses key to girlfriends' apartment get no new-key!
Man who makes love to woman on a hill, have high time.
Man who makes love to woman on grass, has piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who sink into women's arms soon has arms in women's sink.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails!
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok.
Man who walk with hands in pocket, look crazy, but feel nuts.
Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.
No difference between man and mouse. Both end up in pussy.
Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
Silk panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
Squirrels lie on rocks to crack nuts, men lie on cracks to rock nuts.
Support bacteria - it only culture some people have!
To prevent a hangover, stay drunk!
War does not determine who is right. War determines who is left.
When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say no, she mean maybe. When lady say yes, she no
lady.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Women are like New Orleans music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.
Women fake orgasm, Men fake foreplay.
Woman who fly plane upside-down have crack-up.
Woman who ride bicycle peddles ass round town.
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!