Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Mikhail-u]

A man is speeding the highway at 1 a.m.
A policeman stops him and asks, "Where are you racing at this hour?"
"To a lecture," the man responds.
"Who will give you a lecture at this hour," the policeman asks.
"My wife," was the reply.


Bernard, an elderly Jew, is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but Sarah, his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
Bernard returns home, and Sarah says –
"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" ["So? What did the doctor say?"]
"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]
"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"
"I don't know -- he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."
Well, by this time Sarah is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My Bernard was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"
Neighbour #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky."
Neighbour #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."
Cold, heat! Oy! Now thoroughly agitated, Sarah decides to call the doctor herself.
"Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him... nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."

[Mikhail-u]

David is driving in Jerusalem.
He's late for a meeting; he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "G-d, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, keep Shabbos, and all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.
He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one."


President Nixon asks Prime Minister Golda Meir to send General Moshe Dayan to the US in return for any three generals she wants. Golda agrees. "We'll give you General Dayan. You give us General Motors, General Electric, and General Telephone."

[Mikhail-u]

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews. The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.

Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods

[Mikhail-u]

Все анекдоты - от раббая из женского Уэлсли колледжа.

[Mikhail-u]

Оверхеард ат ан ауцтион сале:
"Солд то тхе лады щитх хер хусбандьс ханд овер хер моутх."



Моше ис дривинг ин Йерусалем анд хеьс лате фор
а меетинг. Хеьс лоокинг фор а паркинг плаце,
бут цаньт финд оне.
.
Ин десператион, хе турнс тощардс хеавен, анд саыс:
"Г-д, иф ёу финд ме а паркинг плаце, И промисе тхат
Иьлл еат онлы Кошер, респецт Шаббас, анд алл тхе
холидаыс ...."
.
Мирацулоуслы, а плаце опенс уп юст ин фронт оф хим.
Хе турнс хис фаце уп то хеавен, анд саыс
"Доньт ботхер, Г-д, И юст фоунд оне ...."

Накос, прошу прощение за то, что повторил Ваш анекдот. Но честное слово, я его слышал по пути в Н-Й в феврале...

[Krakadil]

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that
for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name-they
just moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche
for fifteen dollars ."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned th e mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows
what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off
to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He
claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him
the money. So I
did." --------------------------------------------------------

[Mikhail-u]

The Dutchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have gin."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The Scotsman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have whisky."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes

[Krakadil]

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the
bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best
friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."
So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it
down.
"If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing.
So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said...
...BAD DOG!"

[Krakadil]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
One said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" The
other replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?"


A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up
to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine
her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for
all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a
voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH
YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

[Krakadil]

A female blonde was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
cop who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see
the blonde's driver's license.
.
The driver dug through her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated.
.
"What does it look like?" she asked.
.
The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
.
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it
and handed it to the cop.
.
"Here it is," she said.
.
The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it
back saying, "Okay,you can go. I didn't realize you
were a cop."