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[Krakadil]

With the new corporate image being set up, you may find this a useful
learning tool for your marketing......

Today's business world is MARKETING. However people often ask for a
simple explanation of "Marketing," Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," - That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic
in bed," - That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
bed," - That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his
tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the
way, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I
hear you're fantastic in bed," - That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend. - That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. - That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" - That's Junk Mail.

[Krakadil]

A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After
answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a
homosexual. The guy admitted that he was.
"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could
kill a man?"
"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take me a day or two."

[Krakadil]

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two
fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more
Americanized would win. A year later they met. The first man said, "My son
is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my
way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?" The second man replied, "Fuck
you, towel head."

[Krakadil]

"For those of you who aren't Jewish,
Hannukah is the celebration
of when a tiny amount of oil lasted for eight days.

Boy, sound's like a Republican's
worst nightmare, doesn't it?
A fuel-efficient device that doesn't use a lot of oil?"
~ Jay Leno

[Krakadil]

Letterman's Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses

10. Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm

9. Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page

8. Not enough Jim Beam

7. Trying to stop the spread of bird flu

6. I love to shoot people

5. Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter

4. I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me

3. Excuse? I hit him didn't I?

2. Until Democrats approve Medicare reform,
we have to make some tough choices for the elderly

1. Made bet with Gretzgy's wife

[Krakadil]

During an English class at Cincinnati State Technical and Community
College,
our professor asked us to write an essay
describing someone or something we cared about.

One student, obviously annoyed at the topic, immediately raised her
hand.
"What if I don't care about anyone or anything?" she asked.

Slightly take aback, my professor hesitated, then calmly asked
the student what her major was.

"Nursing," she replied.

[Krakadil]

The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every
time Congress meets.
-Will Rogers

[Krakadil]

Folks,

Here is something to do in retirement ................

Activities for Seniors:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went downtown and went to a shop in
Ann Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out
there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said,
"Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
Bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn tires.

So I called him a piece of stinking dog crap. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.


Personally, I didn't give a damn. I came into town by bus.


I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.


It's important at my age.

[Krakadil]

Texas Law -

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is
considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom,
the national highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in
shooting an attorney.

The source was quoted to say " All Americans have wanted to shoot a
lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the balls to do it".

In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which
issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters,
wishing to bag a lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their
hunting license. Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps
for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually. The new
"lawyers stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long.

The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp" comes
at hefty price, sales have been brisk and it is believed it will
generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year.
Other states are considering similar hunting license stamps.

[Krakadil]

Children who never come when called
will grow up to be doctors.
Children who come before they are called
will grow up to be lawyers
_________________

A man is now able to go across the United States
in eight hours,
four hours for flying
and four hours to get to the airport.
_____________________

It is reported that Madame de Gaulle, in bed one night, said,
"My G-d, it's cold."
To which her husband, lying stiffly by her side, replied,
"In bed, Madame, you may call me Charles.
________________

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always
go with you in the car,
in case the need should arise for them to bark violently
at "nothing" right in your ear.
_________________

People are so worried about
what they eat between Christmas and the New Year,
but they really should be worried about
what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
____________________

Please, if you can trust one thing I say,
let it be this:
When it comes to men, deal with us as we are,
not how you'd like us to be.
____________________

The psychiatrist told him:
"Congratulations! I've cured you of your delusion."

He answered unhappily, "So what?
Yesterday I was Napoleon -- today I'm nobody."
___________________

The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out
another woman in a bar fight.
Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find
one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace.
~ Jay Leno