Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[CrazyDiamond]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists kidnapped President Bush and are asking for a $10 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We are going from car to car to take up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving on average?"
"About a gallon."

[Krakadil]

One more Pharmacist...

A lady enters a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law ! I'll lose my license.
They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen !
Absolutely not !
No, You can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Krakadil]

Polish Doctor

A man from Poland goes to an optometrist who asks him to read the letters off the chart:

"C Z W X N Q S T A C Z"

"Can you read this?" the optometrist asks.

"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"

[CrazyDiamond]

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named BOOK

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

-Author unknown

[CrazyDiamond]

Первый урок, английский для начинающих:
Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?

Второй урок, английский для продвинутых учеников:
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Третий и последний урок, английский для абсолютных профессионалов: Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?

[Mikhail-u]

O'Sullivan, Cabot, Kelly and Mendlebaum was one of the most successful law firms in New York. Of all the partners, Mendlebaum brought in the most business.

Lunching with him one day, a curious friend asked, "Why is your name listed last? O'Sullivan spends most of his time in the south of France. Cabot is at his club's bar every afternoon, and Kelly is at the race track all the time. Since you bring in all the business, your name should be first."

To which Mendlebaum replied,"All my clients read from right to left."

[Mikhail-u]

Crossing out words - Sermon from G-d

A boy was watching his father, a rabbi, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A Rabbi, a Cantor, and the President of a Shul were taking a ride in Colombia to discuss some plans for the high holidays. They were kidnapped and the kidnappers were asking for $10,000.000 ransom money. The community, for lack of funds, was not able to pay such an exorbitant fee. They were each given one last wish.
The Rabbi said: "I worked so hard preparing my holiday speech. Please give me the opportunity to say it."

The Cantor said: "I prepared a beautiful new melody for Kol Nidrei. It will take 45 minutes. I would like to sing it."

"After hearing the other two requests," the president said "I beg you, please shoot me first!"

[Mikhail-u]

Palestinian Help
[Gaza City] After relief groups have successfully ended negotiations with the U.S. about assistance for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Palestinian spokesperson for the Red Crescent Society, Farouk El-Farouk has confirmed their nation's participation in the relief effort. It was confirmed that at 9:15am this-morning, 4 plane-loads of volunteers from Gaza and the West Bank left Amman, bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting.

"RSVP"

Avrahom and Betty were very worried. They had just received an invitation to a very high-class wedding but couldn't figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP. "If only our son, the graduate, was here, he'd know," sighed Betty, as Avrahom left for work. She pondered the problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Avrahom at the shop. "Darling, I've figured it out," she said, "RSVP means Remember Send Vedding Present."

[Mikhail-u]

This is a true story...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her
voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping
bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large
handgun.

No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

[Mikhail-u]

When my grandfather left Europe in 1935,
there was graffiti all over the walls saying:

Jews, go to Palestine!

And now when I visit Europe,the graffiti says:

Jews, get out of Palestine!

What short memories the Europeans have!!


After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000-year-old optical fibres and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters, Israeli scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wire-less technology.