Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Akela]

Did you hear about the guy who had his credit card stolen but never reported it? The thief was spending less than his wife.

[Akela]

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.

I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

[Akela]

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

[Дядя Саша]

(из Карлина)

Say, why not become a schmuck? A licensed, practicing schmuck. Or, if you qualify, a CPS. That's right. A certified public schmuck. Y'know, it may not seem like it when you look around, but there is a shortage of schmucks in today's society. And there's big money in schmuckdom. The average schmuck today earns over thirty-four thousand dollars a year. And there are openings for schmucks in virtually every field. The government is run by schmucks. Big business is run by schmucks. And more and more, people are becoming schmucks on their own. Y'know, some guys can only manage to be schmucks on New Year's Eve, but here's your opportunity to become a full time, year round schmuck. Give us a call. Don't be a schmuck! Be a schmuck!

[Fursetka]

There are two statues in a park; one of a
nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a
pathway for a hundred years, when one day
an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so
patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go
running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and
giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return,
out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes
left, would you care to do it again?”

He asks her, “Shall we?”

She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let's! But let's change
positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
you shit on its head.”
.

[Bibob3d]

Сейчас по радио услышал прикол:
I just saw a homeless guy yelling at his shadow. That means what? 6 more weeks of recession?

[Yura717]

When I was a student I lived with a farmer and his wife. The first day I was there, one of the chickens died and we had chicken soup for diner. The second day a sheep died
and we had lamp chops. The following day a duck died and we had roast duck. The next day the farmer died, so I decided to leave .....

[fan_ta]

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night.
Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is a unacceptable way to describe the number 69

[Yura717]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[Sea]

funny courtroom quotes

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

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