Смех сегодня (в Америке)

[Krakadil]

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a
Typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any
new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's
about average down home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas
baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!". We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the
father of that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how
much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled,
concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his, Lone Star beer, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had'm circumcised==

[Krakadil]

MARRIAGE - A Husband's Viewpoint:

1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (A life sentence!!)

2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over the
strings are attached.

3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution. Therefore
marriage is an institution for the blind.

4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and
the woman gets her Masters.

5. Marriage requires a man to prepare 5 types of "RINGS" : The Engagement
Ring, The Wedding Ring, The SuffeRing, The EnduRing, The TortuRing.

[Krakadil]

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys: all on different levels,
some climbing up.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.


The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second
half by our children.
-Clarence Darrow

[Krakadil]

Once upon a time in England,
a very mean witch
was terrorizing the local population.

A committee of residents finally was
sent to a wizard to see what could be done
about the witch. The wizard gave them a potion
that would turn the witch into a statue.

The townspeople managed to put the potion
in the witch's food.When she found out
about this, she turned green with rage.
But it was too late . . and
the potion worked as expected.

The jubilant population had a celebration with
a big parade, and placed the petrified witch
in a park as a public example.

Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch
had been frozen in a position that made her
a perfect sundial,
and started using her to tell the time of day.

The custom grew and even today, people often
refer to "Mean GreenWitch Time."


/A Halloween Story/

[КошЫчка]

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch…
AMEN
:shura:

[Mikhail-u]

G-d said to Noach:
"In six months I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each species. Here are the blueprints for the ark. "
Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noach sat in his front yard weeping.
"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked G-d.
"Oh! Forgive me." said Noach. "I did my best, but so many things happened."
"The blueprints you gave me didn't fit the city's code and I had to change them. The city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance... The forest service required tree cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croations."
"I'm sorry, G-d, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noach looked up and said,
"G-d, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?"
"Correct. The government already has."

[Krakadil]

The bad guys don't always wear black hats,
the good guys don't always win and
the cavalry never shows up in the nick of time!


Who wants to be the first to tell the people who publish
the Official Meetings Facility Guide
that their initials, and especially their website, OMFG.COM,
is not a good naming choice for a respectable Internet business?


The mark of the immature man
is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
while the mark of the mature man
is that he wants to live humbly for one.


My cable company bought the local hospital.

Now when you go to the ER, they say ,
"The doctor will see you
next Thursday between noon and four".

*.*

The White House today instituted a new
'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. The bad news.

It's for Supreme Court nominees.

The White House announced that the public
will not be allowed to see the memos
produced by Supreme Court nominee John Roberts
when he represented the
United States government as a lawyer.

They say this is because of the attorney-client privilege.
Here's the part I don't understand.

He was representing the United States.
That means we're the clients and he's our lawyer.

Shouldn't we be allowed to see our own notes?

*.*

Subject: Cloned dog

The Associated Press announced today that Korean scientist Hwang Woo-Suk
had successfully cloned a dog for the first time.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/science....ap/index.html

Said Hwang, "No big deal. It tasted just like regular dog."

[SpaceMarine]

I am passing this "DR. PHIL EXPERIENCE" on to you
because it definitely worked for me, and we all could
be more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil
show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil
proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish all the things you've started." I looked around
my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, so, before leaving the house this morning, I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White
Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a
package of Oreos, the remainder of my prescriptions
for both Prozac and Valium, the rest of a cheesecake,
some saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel!!!!!!!!

[SpaceMarine]

Прекрасно жить в свободных Штатах
При обеспеченных харчах,
При службе, при больших зарплатах,
Автомобилях и домах!
Здесь лишь одно немного грустно:
Язык не тот. Не как в Москве.
Не говорят они по-русски,
Хоть кол теши на голове!
Но к трудностям такого сорта
Любой из нас уже привык.
Мы спикаем по-русски гордо,
Мы кипаем родной язык.
Мы соль не спилаем на раны,
Подругу киссаем взасос,
На службе ранаем программы,
Когда реквестает наш босс.
Мы дринкаем сухие вина,
Энджоем собственный уют,
Мы лихо драйваем машины,
Берем хайвей (когда дают).
Когда окюрится возможность,
Возьмем э фью денечков офф,
Махнем в апстейт по бездорожью,
В лесу напикаем грибов,
Накукаем такой закуски,
Какой не видел целый свет!
Дринкнем как следует, по-русски!
Факнем жену на склоне лет!
А то - возьмем большой вакейшен,
Допустим, парочку недель,
В Париже, в дистрикте старейшем
Себе забукаем отель.
А там - и Рим не за горами,
Мадрид, Берлин, едрена мать!
Мы будем шопать в Амстердаме!
Мы будем в Праге ланчевать!
При наших, при больших зарплатах
Нам вся Европа - по плечу!
Ах, хорошо в Юнайтед Штатах!
Эх, травеляй, куда хочу!
Аппрочает весенний вечер,
Даркеет - прямо на ходу.
Стихают речи, гаснут свечи,
И Пушкин спинает в гробу...

[Монашка]

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately.

The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"



The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf."