Смех сегодня (в Америке)

[Krakadil]

Condoleezza Rice is expected to be a great advocate for the United States as Secretary of State. That's because if she could explain U.S. policy to President Bush for the last four years, then she can explain it to anybody. (Jake Novak)

The world's largest passenger airliner was unveiled in France on Tuesday. The A380 Airbus is so large it can carry 800 Europeans -- or 555 fat Americans.
The plane is bigger than a football field. But with just 800 seats, only the 49ers would be interested in playing in one.

President Bush says he’s not going to spend more money on "programs that aren’t working." So I guess the war in Iraq is over. That’s great news. How 'bout that? (Jay Leno)


Prince Harry has embarrassed the royal family yet again. He showed up at a party dressed as the Jets kicker. (David Letterman)

Prince Harry is really sorry he wore that Nazi outfit, but he can't figure why everyone's so mad. He never gets any complaints when he wears his Charlie Manson pajamas. (Bill Williams)

CEO Scott Livengood was ousted Tuesday as head of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. He did not get any severance, but he will receive 5,833 doughnuts a month.

Richard Hatch, who became a millionaire when he won the first-ever "Survivor" TV series, has agreed to plead guilty to two counts of tax evasion. That's incredible. IRS actually watches reality shows.
If the plea bargain keeps Hatch out of prison, he really will be a survivor.

When Melania Knauss walks down the aisle Saturday to marry real estate mogul Donald Trump, she'll be wearing a sumptuous $100,000 gown by Christian Dior. She'll wear something else for the reception, in case they serve sushi and she wants to throw up.
Donald paid for the gown. I thought Donald was bankrupt. I hope Dior got cash in advance.

There is going to be a "Fear Factor" theme park. All of the food in the park will make you violently ill. So really, how different is that from any other theme park? (Craig Ferguson)

Pamela Anderson announced in London Sunday that she's gotten breast implants again. The actress wanted the world to know. Two years ago Pamela Anderson had breast reduction surgery, a medical procedure that's known in Hollywood as retirement. (comedian Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. government is shut down so everybody can practice the inauguration. It's important. It could very well be the first thing this administration gets right.
The President is working hard practicing the Oath of Office and raising his right hand.
He said Monday, "It's haaarrrd work."

Temperatures plummeted across the eastern half of the nation Monday, with the mercury dropping to minus 54 degrees at Embarrass, Minnesota. The town was named Embarrass because every winter somebody freezes something important when they forget to wear their electric girdle.
It's the only town where you can go to Starbucks and soak your toes in a latte.

The space probe that landed on Saturn's moon, Titan, showed the surface appears to be a pale-orange landscape with a thin crust giving a squishy consistency. Skeptics immediately said it was just a close-up of Michael Jackson's nose. (Bill Williams)

Baltimore defensive coordinator Mike Nolan accepted the San Francisco 49ers' head coaching position Monday and began to negotiate a contract to take over the NFL's worst team. It was Nolan's lifelong dream. He always wanted to be the worst.
Don't you know his family is thrilled.

Sexy "Desperate Housewives" ruled at the Golden Globes this week. It was the fashion industry's way of reassuring the world American women still have breasts.
As if anybody ever doubted it.

"Coach Carter" topped the U.S. movie box office this weekend. It's about a high school coach who shuts down a basketball program to focus on his players' lagging education. So, obviously, it doesn't qualify as a reality show.

[Krakadil]

Top Ten Bush Goals For His Second Term

10. Fewer idiotic remarks; more hilarious pratfalls.

9. Add mother Barbara to Mount Rushmore.

8. Combine Nebraska and Kansas into new state: Nebransas.

7. Spice up boring state dinners with tasty fish sticks!

6. Improve communication skills from poor to fair.

5. Catch up on his "Smokey And The Bandit" collection.

4. Get Ray Stevens to write some funny lyrics for "Hail To The Chief"

3. Ride every roller coaster in the country.

2. Install remote-activated button in Oval Office so he can blow stuff up right from his desk!

1. Begin vote-rigging process for Jeb's White House run in 2008.

[Krakadil]

Kilborn


There is going to be a "Fear Factor" theme park. All of the food in the park will make you violently ill. So really, how different is that from any other theme park?

Letterman


Prince Harry has embarrassed the royal family yet again. He showed up at a party dressed as the Jets kicker.

The Golden Globes were last night. Everything went pretty good. Angelina Jolie only broke up two marriages.


Leno


I hope you all had a nice holiday. Today, of course, is Martin Luther King Day, the day we honor the legacy of Martin Luther king. We’ve come a long way. We’ve come a long way. We used to divide the country into black and white. Now we divide it into red states and blue states.



President Bush today gave a big speech honoring the life of Martin Luther King. He said, "Martin Luther King hosts my favorite show on CNN." Finally, somebody said to him, "Um, Mr. President, that’s Larry King."

Leonardo DiCaprio won for best actor in "The Aviator." At the party afterwards he was drinking so much, people actually thought he was a real pilot!

Hillary Clinton also made an appearance. I think she won for "Kill Bill"!


President Bush also told a reporter that he saw his re-election by the American people as their approval to continue the war in Iraq. You know, kind of the same way Bill Clinton felt his re-election meant to the American people they wanted him to keep cheating on Hillary.

Baseball says it will be looking more closely for unusual signs that players are on steroids. Like, for example, if Arizona starts winning.

[Krakadil]

Урок английского

[Krakadil]

I need a favor!!
My neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).
It's a Dachshund, it's house broken,
and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife
says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and
that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'. I think she is just weird !

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.
Here's a picture of the dog.

[Krakadil]

[SpaceMarine]

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
``````````````````````````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in

the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)

```````````````````

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

``````````````````````````````````
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like

Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

`````````````````````````````````

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

``````````````````````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)````````````````

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

``````````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[Krakadil]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver."

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
fools."

[Krakadil]

Best bumper stickers of year 1999

a.. God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends
b.. My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
c.. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
d.. (Spotted on a passing motorcycle)
e.. If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
f.. I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now
g.. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
h.. What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
i.. Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
j.. Liberal Arts Major. Will Think for Food
k.. Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
l.. Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
m.. If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
n.. First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed
o.. In Dog Years, I'm Dead
p.. Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
q.. If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
r.. The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard
s.. Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
t.. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
u.. I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
v.. Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well
w.. A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night
x.. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
y.. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
z.. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
aa.. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
ab.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
ac.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
ad.. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
ae.. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
af.. I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
ag.. BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
ah.. All men are idiots... and I married their king.
ai.. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
aj.. I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what
you've got.
ak.. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
al.. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
am.. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
an.. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
ao.. Hang up and drive.
ap.. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
aq.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
ar.. NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.
as.. God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
at.. I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
au.. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
av.. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
aw.. Where there's a will..I want to be in it.
ax.. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
ay.. Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
az.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
ba.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
bb.. Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
bc.. HONK ... If You Want To See My Finger
bd.. Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
be.. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
bf.. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
bg.. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
bh.. Keep honking while I reload.
bi.. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
bj.. Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
bk.. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
bl.. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement
park.
bm.. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
bn.. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
bo.. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
bp.. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
bq.. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
br.. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
bs.. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like
that.
bt.. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
bu.. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
bv.. If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
bw.. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

[Krakadil]

Для нашего криминального друга - любителя Джорджа Карлина.


Old George Carlin's philolosophy class

a.. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
b.. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
c.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
d.. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
e.. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
f.. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
g.. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
h.. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
i.. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
j.. Is there another word for synonym?
k.. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
l.. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
m.. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
n.. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
o.. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
p.. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
q.. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
r.. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
s.. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
t.. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
u.. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
v.. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
w.. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
x.. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
y.. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
z.. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
aa.. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
ab.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
ac.. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
ad.. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
ae.. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
af.. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
ag.. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
ah.. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
ai.. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
aj.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
ak.. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
al.. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
am.. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?