Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[OldFart]

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.

[OldFart]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

[OldFart]

Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

[Krakadil]

Pretending to be married...

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At around 1:00 in the morning, he leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied.??? Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea," he exclaimed..

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damned blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Krakadil]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right
after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a
big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin
and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or
we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found
the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on
his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have
rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to
Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt
sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his
shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come
here for the hunting, do you?"

[Krakadil]

Overheard at an auction sale:
"Sold to the lady with her husband's hand over her mouth."



Moshe is driving in Jerusalem and he's late for
a meeting. He's looking for a parking place,
but can't find one.
.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven, and says:
"G-d, if you find me a parking place, I promise that
I'll eat only Kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the
holidays ...."
.
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.
He turns his face up to heaven, and says
"Don't bother, G-d, I just found one ...."

[Krakadil]

Robber: Give me the money, or you'll be geography.

Teller: You mean history.

Robber: Don't change the subject.

[Krakadil]

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that
took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump
off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk
below skipping along and whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless
and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and
he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no
arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway ?"

He said " I'm NOT happy, my ass
itches." --------------------------------------------------------

[Krakadil]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a
woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with
that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop,
"what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop
stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work
my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell
do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and
park him behind a bridge..."

[CrazyDiamond]

Smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a swimming pool.