Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Хрюн Моржов]

Once in a while guys need to decompress the pressure, so they go to a bar, get drunk, and get kinda philosophical. I was in a bar once and a guy next to me was right in that condition. So, he turns towards me and says, "you know, my wife... she might be my better half, but my mistress - she's my better hole!"

Cheers.

[Хрюн Моржов]

What do you call a gay dinosour? ... Megasoreass!

Cheers.

[Шумачка]

A man enters his favorite restaurant and sit at his regular table. Looking around, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to her, knowing that if she accepts it she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and takes it over to the girl, saying, "This is from the gentleman over there", indicating to him. She regards the wine coolly for a second and decides to send a note over to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the lady.
It read: "For your information - I happen to have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

[Vinn]

"купи козла" по-английски:


A man comes to the rabbi and complains about his life:
"I have almost no money, my wife is a shrew, and we live in a small apartment with seven unruly kids. It's messy, it's noisy, it's smelly, and I don't want to live."
The rabbi says, "Buy a goat."
"What? I just told you there's hardly room for nine people, and it's messy as it is!"
"Look, you came for advice, so I'm giving you advice. Buy a goat and come back in a month."
In a month the man comes back and he is even more depressed:
"It's gotten worse! The filthy goat breaks everything, and it stinks and makes more noise than my wife and seven kids! What should I do?"
The rabbi says, "Sell the goat."
A few days later the man returns to the rabbi, beaming with happiness:
"Life is wonderful! We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat - only the nine of us. The kids are well-behaved, the wife is agreeable - and we even have some money!"

[Bibob3d]

LETTER FROM THE BOSS.....

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

[справочник]

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These mostly Southern boys will be dropped into Afghanistan and will be given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. They don't celebrate Robert E. Lee's birthday.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.

[Рижанка]

A father passing by his son's bedroom astonished to see that his bed made and everything was picked up he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad'. With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love Your Son,

John

PS Dad, none of the shit above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card. That's in my center desk drawer.
I Love you.. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Акватрель]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rome went to the
local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in
the confessional, the man said, "Father .... During World War II, some
60+ years ago, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked
urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid
her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with bedroom
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger. Two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over ?''

[Рижанка]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Рижанка]

U.S. Citizen John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN PHILIPPINES) . He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN VIETNAM)..
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia )and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB .
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN KOREA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA .