Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[справочник]

A store that sells new husbands opened in NYC where a woman may go to choose a husband. These are the instructions at the entrance as to how the store operates:

= You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

= There are SIX FLOORS, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

= The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT GO BACK DOWN except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. Why the f*ck you get here? This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

Floor 1 - has wives that love sex.

Floor 2 - has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.

The 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors HAVE NEVER BEEN VISITED!!!!!

[Акватрель]

fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the

Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping To find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a

little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.


The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'



The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a Tie?
They are only $25.'



The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I

need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!



"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not

want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am

bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about
two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you
need. Shalom!"



Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.



Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your f*ck*ng brother won't let me in without a tie!'

[справочник]

A dedicated teamster union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,
"Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

[Cloony]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, the doctor said that he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said:'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...but I have to get Up in the morning… I have a funeral and you don't.'

[UglyPretty]

анекдот от Вупи Голдберг

A little black boy died. He approached the Pearly Gates and St. Peter let him in. As the little black boy was wandering about, he noticed that he was growing wings. After a while he found he was able to fly. As he was flying around Heaven he came upon God. The little black boy asked God, God, am I an Angel?
God replied,No Nigger,you a Bat!!!

[Акватрель]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the coffee machine the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the coffee machine to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

[valevsska]

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus, everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ............

You're listening to your IPod !

[справочник]

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

[edik]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[xrum]

What's similar about girls and rocks? You skip the flat ones!