Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Рижанка]

After 40 years of marriage a married couple in their early 60's were
celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little
restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their
table.She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for
being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a
wish.

The Wife answered,'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - POOF! Two tickets for a private jet
to take them anywhere in the world, Passports and and reservations to
the world's most lavish hotels in the world and the number of a Swiss Bank
account with millions of dollars listed, appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment and said, 'Well, this is all very
romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than
me.'

The wife and the fairy were both deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and POOF!
The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards, should remember fairies
are female!!

[справочник]

В помощь переводчику.

Расхожие американские фразы.


1) Can You hear me?.. -- Ты можешь меня здесь?...

2) Undressed custom model -- Голая таможенная модель

3) Manicure -- Деньги лечат

4) I`m just asking -- Я всего лишь король жоп

5) I have been there -- У меня там фасоль

6) God only knows -- Единственный нос бога

7) We are the champions -- Мы шампиньоны

8 ) You feel alright -- Ты справа всех чувствуешь

9) Bye bye baby, baby good bye -- Купи купи ребенка, ребенок хорошая покупка

10) To be or not to be -- Две пчелы или не две пчелы

11) I fell in love -- Я свалился в любовь

12) Just in case -- Только в портфеле

13) I will never give up -- Меня никогда не тошнит

14) Oh, dear -- Ах, олень.

15) I saw my honey today -- Я пилил мой мед сегодня

16) I`m going to make you mine -- Я иду копать тебе шахту

17) May God be with you -- Майская хорошая пчелка с тобой

18 ) Finnish people -- Конченые люди

19) Bad influence -- Плохая простуда

20) Phone seller -- Позвони продавцу

21) Good products -- Бог на стороне уток

22) Let`s have a party -- Давайте организуем партию

23) Watch out! -- Посмотри снаружи!

24) I know his story well -- Я знаю его исторический колодец

[fan_ta]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It
hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he
said.



The woman thought it would be a great gag gift,
and what if it's true...no
more blow jobs for
her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained
froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
skeptical and
laughed it off! .

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
may never need to perform this
less than riveting act
again.



In the middle of the night, she was awakened
by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making
hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
downstairs to the
kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading
cookbooks.

'What are you two doing
at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I
can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

[Шумачка]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on her pillow.

Have a great day! Oh, and... woo-woo!!!

[Шумачка]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown...
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

[Lakomka]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

[fan_ta]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, unlike
> English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
>
> 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
> 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
>
> So, a student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
>
>
> Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
> male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
> 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun..
>
>
> Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The
> men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine
> gender ('la Computadora'), because:
>
> 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
>
>
> 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
> incomprehensible to everyone else;
>
>
> 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
> later retrieval; and
>
>
> 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
> half your income on accessories for it.
>
>
> The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
> ('el computador'), because:
>
> 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
>
>
> 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
>
>
> 3 .. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
>
> but half the time they ARE the problem; and
>
>
> 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
> little longer, you could have found a better model.
>
>
> The women won.

[valevsska]

Actual Wal-Mart Application...very funny...slight adult language and content Hope this is ok to post....I find it hysterical..and the fact that it is a real application....if inapporpriate...my apologies

WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.


PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread Actually, I'd like to be doing that now

NEAREST RELATIVE:.7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[Буржуй]

Встречаются как-то раз три школьные подруги, решили обмыть свою встречу
- но негде. У одной муж дома, у другой свекровь, а у третьей трое
детей... Одна из них предложила распить бутылку на ближайшем кладбище -
все согласились. Хорошо выпимши и взямши по букетику цветов с могилок,
они разбрелись по домам. Наутро встречаются их мужья. Один говорит: -
Знаете мужики, моя наверное любовника завела - пришла с букетом
ромашек... Второй: - И моя тоже пришла вчера выпившая с букетом роз
Третий: - Вам хорошо мужики, у Вас хоть жены по одному любовнику
завели, а моя-то... пришла пьяная в доску, а на голове венок " ОТ БРАТВЫ

[fan_ta]

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro
is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at Mercedes think of everything!"