Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[fan_ta]

Update on Cinderella


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.


The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"

[Акватрель]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched
her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy
as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick &bring her out
of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they
would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses
run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
:34:

[Акватрель]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called of fender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: ' Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

[fan_ta]

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so posties can look for them while they
deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Last night I played a blank CD at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
20. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2 on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
21. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that one
out of five enjoys it?

[fan_ta]

4 old mischevious grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home, when an old Grandpa walked in.
One of the Grandmas yelled out saying, "we bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "there aint no way you can guess it, you old fools."
one of the Grandmas said "sure we can! just drop your pants & underpants & we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldnt do it, he dropped his pants.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "how in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinnning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

[fan_ta]

Jewish and Chinese Pilots
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His co-pilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ‘I don’t like Chinese.’

‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the co-pilot, ‘....why not?’

‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why !’

‘No, no,’ the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.’

‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese… doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’

There’s a few minutes of silence.

‘I no rike Jews either!’ the co-pilot suddenly announces.

‘Oh yeah, why not?’ asks the captain.

‘Jews sink Titanic.’

‘What? That’s insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain, ‘It was an iceberg!’

‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah… all same.’

[edik]

Йещиш анд Чинесе Пилотс
А плане леавес Лос Ангелес аирпорт ундер тхе цонтрол оф а Йещиш цаптаин.

Хис цо-пилот ис Чинесе. Ит’с тхе фирст тиме тхеы’ве флощн тогетхер, анд ан ащкщард силенце бетщеен тхе тщо сеемс то индицате а мутуал дислике.

Онце тхеы реач цруисинг алтитуде, тхе Йещиш цаптаин ацтиватес тхе ауто-пилот, леанс бацк ин хис сеат, анд муттерс, ‘И дон’т лике Чинесе.’

‘Но рике Чинесе?’ аскс тхе цо-пилот, ‘....щхы нот?’

‘Ёу пеопле бомбед Пеарл Харбор, тхат’с щхы !’

‘Но, но,’ тхе цо-пилот протестс, ‘Чинесе нот бомб Пеахл Хахбах! Тхат Япанесе, нот Чинесе.’

‘Япанесе, Чинесе, Виетнамесе… доесн’т маттер, ёу’ре алл алике!’

Тхере’с а фещ минутес оф силенце.

‘И но рике Йещс еитхер!’ тхе цо-пилот судденлы анноунцес.

‘Ох ыеах, щхы нот?’ аскс тхе цаптаин.

‘Йещс синк Титаниц.’

‘Щхат? Тхат’с инсане! Йещс дидн’т синк тхе Титаниц!’ ехцлаимс тхе цаптаин, ‘Ит щас ан ицеберг!’

‘Ицеберг, Голдберг, Греенберг, Росенберг ...но маттах… алл саме.’

Этот анекдот ещё старше меня...:D

[Рижанка]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain..do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. 'I love you!'

His wife responds:
'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. 'I love you, too.'
:evillaugh

[Malishka]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. The doctors were at a loss so they decided to try one last quasi-medical trick.

They went to her husband and said, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlined—no pulse, no heart rate.

The doctors ran back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure—I think maybe she choked."

[fan_ta]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.



Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. These are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1.. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color..

Pumpkin i s also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,

Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,

absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
Or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.