Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Fofinha]

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

[Fofinha]

Learn to speak Chinese

1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.............. Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man................................ Dum Fuk

5) Small horse.................. Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?.................... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here........................... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King

12) staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo

13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka

14) Your body odor is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu

15)Great..................... Fa Kin Su Pah

[fan_ta]

BBQ rules

After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.


More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.


Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.


More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

[fan_ta]

The boss wondered why one of his most dependable and valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hell o ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and still wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

[Krakadil]

WORLD WAR III IS COMING


President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.'


So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'


Bush turns to the bartender and says,
'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.

[Nabludatel']

Learn to speak Chinese

1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.............. Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man................................ Dum Fuk

5) Small horse.................. Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?.................... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here........................... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King

12) staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo

13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu

15)Great..................... Fa Kin Su Pah

plakal

[Fofinha]

plakal

От смеха, я надеюсь?? :lol:

[fan_ta]

it was late in the week in the Garden of Eden...

God had finished making everything, Adam and Eve were sitting quietly in the Garden, when God came in, carrying an Asda bag...

"come over here you two, I've brought presents", Adam jumped up, dead excited, "aw, great, Presents - whadya got, God?" Eve smiled at him fondly.

"Well...I've got two things in here.....you might find them useful, the first thing will enable you to wee standing up,......." - Adam got dead excited and started to jump up and down, " Oh YES Lord, please God, can I have it God, can I? - can I? - can I? - please, Please, PU-LEASE???
God looked over at Eve, who sat there and watched him, "what about you Eve?" - God said - Eve replied, "Oh go on....give it him, he obviously wants it, and if it'll keep him happy, well, that's fine with me". So God gave Adam the WILLIE. Adam spent the next couple of days weeing up walls, writing his name in the sand, you know the drill......

!Well, now", said God, "That means you'll have to have what I've got left, then, Eve, doesn't it?" -
"and what's that Lord?" Eve asks God..... so God gave Eve...........
A BRAIN ..........!!!!!!!

[fan_ta]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't
mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's
pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids
the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could
be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.
"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

[fan_ta]

Grumpy.



The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the
Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any
Dwarf Nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
Moment And answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
Of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
Answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe..”

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
Glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf
Nuns Anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my
Son, There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, Pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they Begin Chanting......




"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"