Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[смешно]

Ржачка.

Tale of Two Brains Mark Gungor

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GFwa9Gt05g

[Акватрель]

An elderly Jewish man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother

and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so

you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of

this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until

I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs

up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
:D

[Krakadil]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one.

[Most Wanted]

A man and a woman are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you are a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet today and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied: "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!!!"

"This must be a sign from God!" the woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our fortune. "

Then she hands the bottle to the man.The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police ...."

[DenisBB]

lol

[fan_ta]

a guy goes into a bar and orders 2 large vodkas, and sits down looking glum, the barman says "you look like your world has just ended" the guy replies "it has I have just found out my eldest son is gay" the next day the guy goes into the bar again and again orders 2 large vodkas and downs them in one, the barman says "wow man whats up today?", they guy replies "I have just found out that my youngest son is gay" the next day the guy goes in again and asks for 2 double vodkas, the barman says "jeez man doesnt anyone in your family like girls?" the guy replies "yeah my wife!!!"

[fan_ta]

OBEDIENT WIFE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.' And, so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away

So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.' The loyal wife replied,' Listen, I'm a God fearing woman, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Send this to every clever female you know.

Amen, sister!

[fan_ta]

WEE JOCK
Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.'

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy."

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss.

"Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: Yes Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: " Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent:

"Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, The first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "For f**k sake where did all these English b**tarts come from?"

Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?"

Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yous on Tuesday."

[Рижанка]

ON AN AIRPLANE

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Start it up.

3. Make sure the guy who is annoying you can see the screen.

4. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips like you are praying. .

5. Then hit this link!

http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

Thought this might come in handy…

[sharik]

:grum::grum:

That’s hilarious. So often people annoy me on the plane. I’m ususally working on my laptop and people are trying to talk to me...argh...

I’m flying on Sunday so I’m going to try that. If I'm not back on forum—I'm in jail))