Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Венцель]

Top Secret

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.


Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6. Eventually they asked the Mossad for help.

Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply: 'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down

[Буржуй]

Is it in?

[Akela]

A Jewish guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says "where did you get him?"

The parrot says "In Brooklyn, they're all over the place".

[Mikhail-u]

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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move".

"Oh", said the man, "whose clock is that?" Thats Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie".

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life".

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man. "Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan".

[Mikhail-u]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased
and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the
shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept
money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor
is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your
Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and
leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Vote carefully this year.

[Mikhail-u]

A Democratic president comes to power. He immediately raises taxes, economy sharply goes down, and subsequently the budget suffers much larger deficit than before. The president asks his staff to work on the measures of increasing the Government revenue. After spending several billion dollars, the task force offers a solution:

--We have to order several thousand vast freezers and appoint one of our most creative Democratic congressmen to be a new Federal Reserve Chairman

--Well, says President, I won’t go into the technicalities since I’m just a lawyer and community organizer, but who would you recommend as a Chairman?”

--Rep. William Jefferson, - was the answer


I've just made up this story

[Bibob3d]

Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier.

She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him.

He told her there were only three things he feared:

1) Osama


2) Obama


AND
3) Yo Mama

[Akela]

Parking Lot Scam...warning to men!!!

This one caught me by surprise, although it has been going on for quite a while.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the
backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over
into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, & 24th 29th.

Also January 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, three
times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

(P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each)

[Mikhail-u]

Can you think on your feet?

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A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce'. As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
'No Way?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'


It's all okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

[Mikhail-u]

The Pope and Hillary

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The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage
in front of a huge crowd.

The Senator' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.
"That was impressive. But did you know that with j ust one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her!!!