Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Mikhail-u]

This is what my friend who works for Intel just sent to me:

Mouse Balls And Mouse Ball inspector



I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a
Real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on
the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it
may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic
Balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not
Usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be

used mmediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls
Is an unhappy customer."

[Krakadil]

Пардон ежели боян.

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One
of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response
on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained
what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex
will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical,
but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby
finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the
woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the
room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I
think she choked."

[madV]

One indian programmer says to another:
- do you know why these russian programmers call us bunnies?
- what do you mean?
- well, when they read our code, they always mutter "Your bunny wrote!"?

[Krakadil]

Q)Why dont the Mexicans have an olympic team???

A) Because anyone who can swim and jump are already in America

[Bibob3d]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfus ion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Gazel]

KNOW THE STATE MOTTO

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
only smaller.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan
First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky , The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Honest Elections!
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.
Texas
Se Hable Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedy's
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared





&

The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place

[Krakadil]

As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept
saying,
"Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his
patients."
But another voice kept reminding him, "Howard, you are a
veterinarian."

[Krakadil]

Несколько анекдотов про мой возраст.

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks
went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir,
sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and
in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed
back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a
ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again
carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the
husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend
glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at
her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[Krakadil]

The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr. Black is in
the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's
invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never
take her along with me again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't
catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the
fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the
bait."

[Krakadil]

A couple were dining out one evening, when the wife noticed a familiar face
at the restaurant's bar. "Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "I
know that guy at the bar and he has been drinking like that since I left him
seven years ago!" Her husband quickly replied, "That's silly, no one
celebrates that long?!"