Смех сегодня (в Америке)

[OXYGEN]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

"How many is a Brazillion??!"

[Krakadil]

The seven most important men in a womens life:

The doctor: - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The dentist: - who tells her to "open wide."
The milkman: - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
The hairdresser: - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The interior designer: - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker: - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose
interest!"
The primal hunter: - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"


Seems that a young man volunteered for military service
during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for
aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air
Station, skipping recruit training.
.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best
flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold
wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in
the Pacific.
.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly
shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes. Then climbing up
to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot
them all down as well.
.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended,
circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the
deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged
over to the captain.
.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very
first day?"
.
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied,
"You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"

[Жалоба]

VODKA IS THE ANSWER

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The
solvent dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray
bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean
cloth
dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills
germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your
safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects
the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to
cleanse
the skin and tighte! n pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of
healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to
kill
them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag
and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black
eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers,
fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three
days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to
aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back
as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol
oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb
some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

16. NEVER DRINK THE STUFF - IT'LL KILL YOU!
:sfs:

[Жалоба]

MONTANA GAL (Californians, please, don't read :angel: )
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a
>different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana and California.
>
>Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling
>potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
>
>"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
>"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of
>looking at them!"
>
>A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from
>her bag and tossing them from the window.
>
>"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Montana.
>"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking
>at them!"
>
>Inspired, the gal from Montana opened the car door and pushed the
>Californian out.
>

[Leon93]

А чо они , калифорнийки, там делают? Там же БенДриджи на 100 кв.миль один...

[Жалоба]

А чо они , калифорнийки, там делают? Там же БенДриджи на 100 кв.миль один...

приезжают, иногда хулюганят.... а вообще их много... проездом больше... потому что у нас охотничий сезон... а у них - нет. :knopka:

[Krakadil]

Statistics about sex:

* 70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last yearwhile
60% of female non-smokers had none.
* Women who respond to sex surveys in magazines like Cosmo may have 5 times
as many lovers as typical women.
* Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
* Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of
anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.
* Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and
receiving) than high school dropouts.
* National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.
* In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women
rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.
* Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement
oriented.
* White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to
have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The
percentage is much lower for black girls.
* Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be
twice as sexually active as women who don't.
* Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than
practicing Christians.
* Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have
had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.
* Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
* Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get
down at roughly the same rate.
* Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they
have sex.
* White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most
receptive to anal sex.
* 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex
partner.

==> So, you know what this means?

Yup...all you guys have to go looking for: A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4
Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels
during happy hour in a swanky bar,smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo
and Barbara Cartland, and who lived with her single mom!
Shouldn't be too hard....

[Krakadil]

WORDS WOMEN USE


FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right
and you need to shut up.


FIVE MINUTES


If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house.



NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be
on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"


GO AHEAD


This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.



LOUD SIGH


This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY


This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.


THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.



WHATEVER

It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

[Krakadil]

How To Treat a Woman:
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth
and back again for her.


How To Treat a Man:

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV !

[Krakadil]

=============================
.
A Jewish man went to the races for the first time.
Not knowing a thing about horse racing, he went
to the paddock to take a look. He saw a rabbi
blessing one of the horses. He wrote down the
number and placed a $2 bet. Sure enough, the
horse won, and the man won $20.
.
He went down to the paddock again, and again
the rabbi was blessing another horse. He wrote
down the number, bet his $20, and again, the
horse won, earning $100.
.
This went on, race after race, until the Jewish man
had won $5000.
.
Just before the last race, he watched the rabbi
bless another horse. He bet the whole $5000,
but this time the horse came in dead last. He ran
down and yelled to the rabbi: "Why did every
horse you bless win, except the last one?
He came in dead last!"
.
The rabbi replied: "That's the problem with you
Reform Jews, you don't know the difference
between a brucha and kaddish."
.
=============================
.
brucha (blessing for good)
kaddish (memorial prayer for the dead)
.
=============================