Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[CrazyDiamond]

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

[CrazyDiamond]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro-tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy eh?"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

[CrazyDiamond]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE TO ALL EMPLOYEES:

It has been brought to the attention of management that some individuals
have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between
employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers,
this conduct will no longer be tolerated.

Management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able
to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow
employees. Therefore, management has compiled the following coded list.
It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded
phrases, so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

OLD PHRASE - NEW PHRASE

No fucking way. - I'm not certain that's feasible.

You gotta be shitting me. - Really?

Tell someone who gives a fuck. - Perhaps you should check with____.

It's not my fucking problem. - I'm not involved with that project.

What the fuck. - How surprising.

Ask me if I give a fuck. - Of course I'm concerned.

Fuck it. It won't work. - I'm not sure I can implement this.

Why the fuck didn't they tell me. - I see that was privileged information.

I have no time to finish this shit. - Perhaps I can work late.

Who gives a fuck? - Are you sure it's a problem?

He's got his head up his ass. - It's a problem he's not familiar with.

Eat shit. - You don't say?

Eat shit and die. - Excuse me?

Eat shit and die, motherfucker. - Excuse me, sir?

What the fuck do they want? - They were not happy with it.

Kiss my ass. - I need help with this project.

Fuck it. I'm on salary. - I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

Shove it up your ass. - I don't think you understand.

This job sucks! - I love a challenge.

Blow me! - I see.

Who the fuck died and left you boss? - Would you like to take care of this?

[Krakadil]

Vus titzuch?'



President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks: "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression - 'Vus titzuch?'"

The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?"

Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to "what's happening". They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat), and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"

The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."

[Akela]

Pickup Lines
I don't know how far these lines will get you, and I will take no blame if they don't work. Feel free to submit ones that have worked for you but please keep it clean. We don't want to get too risque and some girls will give you a good slap in the face if you try one of those on them.

1. Is your Dad an astronaut? Because someone took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

2. You must be tired because you've been running through my dreams all night

3. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

4. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

5. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

6. Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

7. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!

8. Was your dad king? He must have been to make a princess like you.

9. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.

10. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

11. You are the reason men fall in love.

12. I'm writing a term paper on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.

13. If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.

14. When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor, so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

15. Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)

16. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?

17. Can I borrow a quarter? I told my Mom I'd call when I met the girl of my dreams.

18. Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.

19. Excuse me, but I think I dropped something, my jaw!

20. Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

21. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

22. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

23. If I followed you home, would you keep me?

24. Was your father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!

25. Was your Dad a baker? Because you've got a nice set of buns.

26. You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!

27. Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

28. You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!

29. If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".

30. Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?

31. Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boyfriend?

32. Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.

33. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

34. Are you related to Mike Tyson? Because you knock me out.

35. If you were a burger at McDonalds, you'd be named McGourgous.

36. Your body must be a Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

37. How you doin?

38. Please come here, I'm desperate.

39. Didn't we go to different schools together?

40. Guy: Did you just fart? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because you just blew me away.

41. If I had a nickel for every girl as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents

42. Would you like some visene? Why? So you can see our clear future together.

43. I hear your body is made up of 75% water, man am I thirsty!

44. Do you sleep on your stomach? (No) Can I?

45. I love you, you're the best.

46. If I had a rose for every time I thought of you I'd be walking in a garden forever.

47. You're so sweet I'm getting cavities.

48. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

49. If I had a camera, I'd use the whole roll.

50. Your name must be Lucky Charms, cause you're magically delicious.

51. Baby, have you been eaten your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!

52. Are you wearing lipstick? Mind if I taste it?

53. If I were bread, would you be my butter?

54. God was showing off when he made you.

55. Is your name Elmo? Because I want to tickle you all over.

56. Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice.

57. Hi, are you here to meet a nice guy/gal or will I do?

58. Aieeeah! Your eyes glow like the twin suns!

59. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

60. I'm The Man in Demand

61. There's a star in the sky for every time I think of you

62. Hi, I'm incredibly rich.

63. I've noticed you noticing me and I'm just giving you notice that I've noticed you!

64. Do you have a boyfriend?

65. I know somebody who likes you but if I weren't so shy, I'd tell you who.

66. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?

67. Statistically speaking, the most effective pickup line of all time is "I love you".

68. You must be a parking ticket (or book), because you have fine written all over you.

69. Excuse me, do you have the time? Woman: No. Man: Well I have the time and it says I have time for you alllll the time

70. Can I dip you in chocolate?

71. Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with me like a nice little fellow?

72. Hi, what's your name? Did you go to (put in a place) yesterday? (No) Oh right, that was in my dream.

73. I heard milk does a body good but man, how much have you been drinking?

74. If love were a drop of water, I'd be in the Atlantic Ocean.

75. If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for fear of losing you.

76. You know what I fell in? (What?) Love with you.

77. Excuse me, do you have Band-aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you.

78. Was your Dad in the Air Force? Because you're the bomb.

79. Hi, my name is (insert your name here)

80. Life without you is like a pencil without lead, pointless.

81. I'm a genetic engineer and I need to utilize your body for a stem cell experiment. It shouldn't hurt too bad.

82. My love for you is like diarrhea; I can't hold it in.

83. I think I've seen your picture somewhere. Oh yes, it was in the dictionary under SHA-BAM!

84. You're so hot that you make the sun jealous.

85. Do you know what the square root of 81 is? (Hopefully they say nine) Oh, then you are not just another pretty face.

86. I lost my teddy bear. Can I cuddle with you instead?

87. You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.

88. Hey c'mon now, I'm ugly, you're ugly, it's perfect.

89. Can I borrow your library card, because I'd like to check you out!

90. I should call the police because you're stealing my heart.

[Akela]

91. You're more beautiful than 100 pink flamingos on a golf course.

92. I can't wait until tomorrow. Somehow you get prettier every day.

93. If wishes came true I'd be having dinner with you tonight.

94. Girl: I'm sorry, I can't talk right now, I have a(n) (some instrument) lesson. Guy: (instrument)? I thought angels played harps.

95. Excuse me, you look sexy, what's your name?

96. If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.

97. Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business, and speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?

98. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

99. ASL?

100. Can I have your heart? I need it to be complete and I don't feel whole without you.

101. It's never easy meeting a complete stranger, especially one as beautiful as you, without being properly introduced. But shall we try anyway?

102. Gently rub the girl's back and say, "I thought angels had wings."

103. You must be the cause of global warming.

104. I don't think a firefighter could put you out.

105. It looks like you need a man in your life. How about me?

106. Um, you have really beautiful...uh...eyes, yea. You are pretty. What I mean is...you have a nice forehead, er ah...Do you believe in when I walk by...(To yourself) Oh man, STUPID STUPID STUPID!

107. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

108. Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.

109. Are you a broom? Because you sure swept me off my feet.

110. If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be black at night.

111. You're looking sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that has been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye.

112. I think we should be lab partners because you and I have chemistry.

113. I don't know if it's igneous or metamorphic, but baby, you rock.

114. Did you know the distance from here (touch one side of the girl's shoulder) to here (touch other side of shoulder so your arm is around her) is the same distance from here (touch same spot last touched) to here (grab her around the waist)

115. Kiss me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to go out with me?

116. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

117. I thought Veryfine only came in a bottle.

118. (Walk up to them, place an ice cube on the floor and crush it with your foot) Now that we've broken the ice, what's your name?

119. If I were a tear drop I would be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

120. If you're here, who's running heaven?

121. Do you know Karate? Because your body is kickin'

122. I'm going to put this tear of mine in the ocean. When you find it I'll stop loving you.

123. If I were you I would go out with me.

124. Do you work for NASA? Because you're outta this world.

125. Walk up to a girl and look at the tag on the back of her shirt. When she asks what you're doing tell her your checking to see if she was made in heaven.

126. I couldn't pay attention in school (or work) today because I couldn't stop thinking about you.

127. Would you like a coolata, because you are ahota.

128. You're the marshmallows in my Lucky Charms.

129. If I ran McDonald's I'd name a sandwich after you called "The McGorgeous."

130. If I were a gardner, I'd plant your tulips next to mine.

131. Is there an airport near by or is that my heart taking off?

132. Did you hear the latest health report? You need to increase your daily intake of vitamin me.

133. One night I looked up at the stars and thought "Wow, how beautiful." Now that I'm looking at you, nothing else can compare.

134. May I borrow some of the chapstick you're wearing?

135. I have an owie on my lip, will you kiss it and make it better?

136. Hey good lookin' what'chya cookin'?

137. Love is when you don't want to go to sleep because reality is better than a dream. After seeing you, I don't ever want to sleep again.

138. Let's hide behind a rock and get a little bolder.

139. How much does a Polar Bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi, my name is (insert name here).

140. Girl: Have we met before? Guy: Only in my dreams.

141. You better stop, drop and roll right now cause you're on fire!

142. Have you ever heard the Pina Colada song, because I want you to come with me and escape.

143. Watching you is like watching the sun rise with the morning dew, but there is one difference - you're better.

144. Jealousy is for everyone else because they don't have you.

145. If you were a pirate would you put your parrot on this shoulder (touch girl's shoulder) or this shoulder? (touch other shoulder and keep arm there)

146. Ever wonder why you have spaces between your fingers? (A: So my fingers can fit there)

147. Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made from the best stuff on earth.

148. Let's make like fabric softener and snuggle!

149. If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.

150. Pick up a pack of sugar and hand it to a girl, saying, "Here, you dropped your name tag."

[CrazyDiamond]

Why Athletes shouldn't be role models...


Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want
all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to
copulate me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three,
then line up in a circle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how
to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece:
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.";
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every
level, except college and pro."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of
what time it is."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7- 27
record in1992:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I
just can't figure out where else to play."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked after a loss
what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no
good officiating."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed
to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told
a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the Gem
Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his
wife on all road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly
to kiss goodbye."

[CrazyDiamond]

Last Day on the Job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[Krakadil]

Sharing
>
> >
> > There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one
> >drink.The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
> >half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted
> >out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one
> >pile in front of his wife.
> >
> >
> > He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the
> >cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger,
> >the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell
> >they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
> >meal for the two of them".
> >
> >
> > As the man began to eat his fries a y oung man came to the table.
> >He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
> >said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
> >
> >
> >
> > The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
> >bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
> >turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them
> >to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No,
> >thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
> >
> >
> > As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
> >napkin, the young man again came over and once again offered to buy more
> >food. After once again having his offer refused, he finally asked the
> >little old lady " What is it you are waiting for?"
> >
> >
> > She answered....
> >
> >
> >
> > This is great)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > *
> >
> >
> >
> > *
> >
> >
> >
> > *
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "THE TEETH".

[Krakadil]

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER



You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.



1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.



2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.



3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.



4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.



5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.



6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.



7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.



8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.



9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.



10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!