Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Свинка-бу]

A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water. (Roosvelt)

[Krakadil]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar
that way. The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father". The little boy
replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that". The priest looked up
from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad
has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar
that way." The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds,"
and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly...but on
leaving the bus he leaned over and said: "Well, maybe you should wear your
pants backwards instead of your collar".

[Krakadil]

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog
is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador
retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a
mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

[Krakadil]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but
when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I
hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[Krakadil]

Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says,
"Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber
broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week." "What happened." Says
her intrigued friend. "I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was
finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

[Krakadil]

The Four Ghosts of the White House

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.
He awakens to see George Washington standing by him
Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the
country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington
advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help
the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from
sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see
the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the
country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into
the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure
moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help
the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

[Шумачка]

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?



WIFE: I clean the toilet....



HUSBAND: How does that help?



WIFE: I use your toothbrush.....

[Шумачка]

The Boss Had to Fire Somebody

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
:grum:

[Акватрель]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

[Акватрель]

Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of >> nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you.
I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."