Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[cosmopolit]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in
bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this
guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably spent lots of
time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck?? If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him, no matter how
much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he
gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were
cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the
bathroom. Be strong, honey....I love you too!!
:D

Акватрелька, браво!!!:D

[Mikhail-u]

Jokes from the Muslim stand-up comic Blahop Yussef:

Good evening, gentlemen, and get out, ladies.

On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said, "occupied."

What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told her twice already!

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

Did you hear about the Broadway play, "The Palestinians?" It bombed!

What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank ? Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel !

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? "Live ammunition."

A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, "After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room?"

Thank you, thank you. My name is Blahop Yussef. (say it out loud).

If you are offended by this joke consider the fact that 90% of Palestinians voted for Hamas which has in its charter to destroy the State of Israel

[Mikhail-u]

>The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
>bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
>condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
>pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
>pressure is to remove the testicles."
>
>Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
>for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
>hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but
>he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked
>down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He
>could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing
>store and thought, "That's what I need. . . a new suit." He entered
the
>shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
>
>The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44
>long."
>Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
>
>"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the
suit
>and it fit perfectly.
>
>As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
>new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The tailor
>eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.
>
>Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "Been in the
>business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
>
>Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How
>about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
>The tailor said, "Let's see... Size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got
you,
>I've worn a size 34 since I Was 18 years old."
>
>The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
would
>press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one
>hell of a headache."
>
>New suit - $400
>
>New shirt - $ 36
>
>New underwear - $6
>
>Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Mikhail-u]

The Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ?Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

[Акватрель]

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."



The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."



A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."



Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:



"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"
:evillaugh

[Outdoorsman]

Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between
a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor
a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach
these young boys when they visit your post?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers !

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not
one ... are you?

[Nabludatel']

The Husband Store:

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[Монашка]

I have a Labrador retriever and I was buying a fifty pound bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Purina Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out all over and I-Vs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, the woman was not however. Horrified, she asked if I'd been hospitalized because I was poisoned.
I told her no, I had been sitting in the street licking my balls when a
car hit me.

[Krakadil]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called, "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a new face lift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years she returned to the plastic surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine." "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them."

The doctor looked closely and said "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

[Шумачка]

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...



(This one is worth passing on.)

This one is for everyone who ..

a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid
e) is going to have
kids.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year
old daughter was having
a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she
said, "Daddy, look at
this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her tiny fingers in
my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"
pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter
was standing on the bed
staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"


She replied, "What happened to my booger?"