Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Акватрель]

Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door. "Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied., "He went into town." "Well", said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[Gazel]

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in
20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless Woman was astounded.

"Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine !"

[Шумачка]

WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows how to answer "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

[Urfin_JOos]

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


***DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the
restaurant may not have dogs.


***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.


***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two
years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such
as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."


***WEDDINGS***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
Cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an
appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good hi s wife is in the sack.


***DRIVING ETTIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

[Акватрель]

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to
go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few
minutes, and Jesus agrees

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey
up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's
tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks
him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be
admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I
didn't live in America or England . I lived a modest life, making
things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people,
but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I
was more of a mentor to him, he didn't really come into this world
in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was
ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with
some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be
honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get
into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old
man's eyes and asks, "Dad?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks,
"Pinocchio?"

[Akela]

Men in Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared

And said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the Head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[Mikhail-u]

Не уверен, что свежее, но это мне прислали из Сибири, человек, который не знает ни слова по-английски.

Temperature Extremes



+ 20 C - Greeks put on sweaters (if they can find them).

+ 15 C - Hawaiians turn on the heaters (if they have them)

+ 10 C - Americans shake, Russians are planting cucumbers.

+ 5 C - You can see your own breathing. Italian cars don't start. Norwegians take a bath. Russians drive with lowered windows.

0 C - Water freezes in America, in Russia it thickens.

- 5 C - French cars don't start.

- 10 C - You're planning a vacation to Australia.

- 15 C - Your cat insists to sleep in your bed. Norwegians put on sweaters.

- 18 C - New York landlords turn on the heaters. Russians make their last seasonal picnic.

- 20 C - American cars don't start. People in Alaska start wearing long-sleeves.

- 25 C - German cars don't start. Hawaiians are dead.

- 30 C - Politicians start talking about homeless people. Your cat prefers to sleep in your pajamas.

- 35 C - Too cold to think. Japanese cars don't start.

- 40 C - You're planning a 2-week hot tub bath. Swedish cars don't start.

- 42 C - Transportation stops in Europe. Russians eat ice cream on the street.

- 45 C - All Greeks are dead. Politicians really start doing something for the homeless.

- 50 C - Your eyelids start sticking when you blink. In Alaska, people close the window in the bathroom.

- 60 C - White bears start moving south.

- 70 C - The hell froze.

- 73 C - Finnish special services evacuate Santa Claus from Lapland. Russians wear earmuff hats.

- 80 C - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-114 C - Ethyl alcohol is freezing. Russians are unhappy.

-273 C - Absolute zero, atomic movement stops. Russians wear boots.

-295 C - 90% of the planet is dead. Russian soccer team becomes the world champion.

[Gazel]

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM NORTH

DAKOTA? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A FARGO RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new HUMMER for $72,500.00 (with monthly

payments of $860.00). He and a friend go duck hunting

in upper MINNESOTA. It's mid-winter; and of course all

of the lakes are frozen These two guys go out on the

ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new

HUMMER.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open

water area for the ducks to focus on, something for

the decoys to float on.


Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a

passing duck, is going to take a little more power

than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of

the back of the new HUMMER comes a stick of dynamite

with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket

Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while

trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and

becoming toast, along with the HUMMER), decide on the

following course of action: they light the 40 second

fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick

of dynamite as far away as possible


Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned

the HUMMER, the GUNS, and the DOG..???


Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Yellow Lab

used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the

owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the

ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of

dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it

hits the ice.


The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms

and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble

stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to

stop. The Dog, now apparently cheered on by his

master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the

shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with

#8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Yellow Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then

continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog,

still standing, becomes really confused and of course

terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new

HUMMER.


The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot

exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end,

he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes

off after his master. Then

" "" "" "" "" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !


The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of

the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with

"I can't believe this just happened" looks on their

faces.


The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a

lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by

the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of

those $860.00 a month payments.


The dog is okay. . doing fine.

[Акватрель]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in
bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this
guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably spent lots of
time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck?? If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him, no matter how
much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he
gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were
cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the
bathroom. Be strong, honey....I love you too!!
:D

[Rodent]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in
bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this
guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably spent lots of
time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck?? If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him, no matter how
much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he
gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were
cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the
bathroom. Be strong, honey....I love you too!!
:D

:grum: :grum: :grum: