Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Krakadil]

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the
night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he
said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in
the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor. The next
morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond.
"Hi," he said, "who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?" "I'm stupid," he
said.

[Krakadil]

"Father Reilly," the Mother Superior reported, "I just thought you should
know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent." "Oh good," the priest
replied, "I was really getting tired of the Chablis."

[Urfin_JOos]

ok, here is a Golden Oldie,Do not know if you all heard it but here it goes:

One day, Papa Dog come to Baby Dog and says:" Son, you've grown up and it's time for us to go for a walk so I can explain to you the meaning of Dog's Life, as my father has explained to me, long time ago. Follow me and do as I do"

So the started on the journey. As the walk along the alley, Papa Dog sees a trash can, sniffs around, digs in, pulls out half a hamburger and eats it.
Baby dog follows his lead, sniffs around, get a piece of hamburger and eats it.

So the go on. Suddenly,they run into two cute little female strays. Papa dog sniffs one of them, humps her, and mates with her.
Baby Dog, tries to follow his father and sniffs another stray, humps her, and tries to mate with her.

They continue their journey. They come to a long alley of trees. Papa Dog sniffs every tree then pisses on it and goes to the next one and does the same.
After a while Baby Dog runs out of pee. He barks at his father:" Daddy, Daddy wait. Please tell me why do we have to piss on all those trees. I can understand the part about finding a hamburger, or bonning those cute female dogs, BUT WHY do we have to piss on every single one of those tree?"
Papa Dog looks at his son and says: " As you granfather has passes this wisdom to my father and as my father has passed it to me, I am passing it to you: If you can't eat it or f#@k it.......... piss on it"

[Gazel]

Урфин, тут так получилось как то теме как бы о собаках или о их еде...
:grum:

Funny Story


I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of
Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman
behind me asked if I had a dog (?)

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is why
I ended up in the hospital. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the
street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have to have CPR to get over
his convulsions.

[Gazel]

This story made me laugh and I hope it does the same trick for you:

Square?


An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?! "

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square ."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10< /o:p>
o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.


That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, !
"Oh, it's probably because I b et him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

[Mikhail-u]

This is what came to my (Mikail-u's) mind based on last political events:


Democratic primaries. Joe Lieberman is trailing the leftist billionaire Ned Lamont. Joe calls Bill Clinton who is not willing to pick the receiver, but the voice-mail says: ”Mr. Lieberman, if you know your Party’s extension…”

[Bibob3d]

This is why Tech Support is so important....

Subject: Mouse Balls

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

"Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls re replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

[Outdoorsman]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"

[Akela]

A young man was walking the streets of Paris. Suddenly he saw a
rottweiler attacking a young girl. He jumped on the dog, struggled
with him and strangled it. Both he and the girl escaped with minor
scratches.


Immediately excited journalists surrounded him and said:
What is your name?All Paris will hear of you, and the headlines
will be: "A Parisian hero saved a little girl from a savage dog".

Said the man:I am not Parisian.

The journalists: O.K, so all France will hear of you and the
headlines will be :"A French hero saved a little girl from a savage
dog".

The man: But I am not French.

Journalists: OK, so all Europe will hear of you and the headlines
will read: "A European hero saved a little girl from a savage dog".

The man: But I am not from Europe.
Journalists: So where are you from?


The man: I am from Israel.

Journalists: OK, so all the world will hear of you and the headline
in all of tomorrow's papers will read: "Israeli killed a little girl's dog."

[Акватрель]

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of!!!

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence
indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing
statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted,
resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise
for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute,
the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all
looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that
you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed,
and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes
later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw
all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "You're right, we all did look... but your
client didn't."