Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Krakadil]

Moose Hunting

Two Swedes - Sven and Ole - got a pilot to fly them to
Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the
pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

Sven and Ole objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and
the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type
plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were
loaded.

Even on full power, however, the little plane couldn't
handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we
are?"

"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last
yer."

[Krakadil]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not
wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and
bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts,
sandals,sunglasses, etc...

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their
"tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying
adrink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead
gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking
straighttowards them.They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good
morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding
andaddressing each of them, then moved on.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they
were priests?

The next day, they went back to the store and bought even
more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could HEAR
them before you even saw them.

Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the
beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a
string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking
towardthem.

Again, she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning,
Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
"Just a minute, young lady . . ."

"Yes?" she replied.

"We ARE priests, and proud of it, I have to know. But how
in the world did you KNOW we are priests, dressed as
weare?"

"Father," she replied, "it's me, Sister Mary Frances."

[Krakadil]

A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny
holding a list. "Lady," Johnny explained, "I'm on a
scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a
pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can
earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a
challenging hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

[Krakadil]

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to
recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to
the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put
some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was
it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a
complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and you insulted the president
of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did", came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[Krakadil]

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car
and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the
rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin
opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history occurs.

It's not very long before police show up. A cop, clearly enraged, runs
toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is
going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

[Krakadil]

THE RETIREMENT BONUS

The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided
to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who
volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The
officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From
the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had
received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip
of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly
exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

[Outdoorsman]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

[Krakadil]

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long
list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper,
she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow
such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper
and cook than you, Madame. He has told me himself." The rich bitch just
scowled and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am
better in bed than you!" "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No,
Madame," said the maid. "The chauffeur told me that!"

[Krakadil]

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into
bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the
bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under,
top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the
shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your
fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the
psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten
dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[Krakadil]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,
son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of
that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three
and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for
Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks
"Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for
Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks,
picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March."