Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Krakadil]

Who was the greatest inventor of all time?

God was!

He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

======================================

The mother of a teenaged girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating SUSAN!"

[Krakadil]

A man went to the temple one day and afterward he stopped to shake the rabbi's hand. He said, "Rabbi, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said,
"Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity".

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The rabbi said, "No shit?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A couple took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," the mother replied. "The rest are for your father.

[Krakadil]

"If a man speaks and there is no woman present to hear him, is he still wrong?"

[Krakadil]

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like
Speaking English is apparently what kills you

[Krakadil]

There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews,"
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

[Krakadil]

- Name?
- Abu Dalah Sarafi.
- Sex?
- Four times a week.
- No, no, no male or female?
- Male, female... sometimes camel...

[CrazyDiamond]

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

[CrazyDiamond]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro-tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy eh?"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

[CrazyDiamond]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE TO ALL EMPLOYEES:

It has been brought to the attention of management that some individuals
have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between
employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers,
this conduct will no longer be tolerated.

Management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able
to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow
employees. Therefore, management has compiled the following coded list.
It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded
phrases, so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

OLD PHRASE - NEW PHRASE

No fucking way. - I'm not certain that's feasible.

You gotta be shitting me. - Really?

Tell someone who gives a fuck. - Perhaps you should check with____.

It's not my fucking problem. - I'm not involved with that project.

What the fuck. - How surprising.

Ask me if I give a fuck. - Of course I'm concerned.

Fuck it. It won't work. - I'm not sure I can implement this.

Why the fuck didn't they tell me. - I see that was privileged information.

I have no time to finish this shit. - Perhaps I can work late.

Who gives a fuck? - Are you sure it's a problem?

He's got his head up his ass. - It's a problem he's not familiar with.

Eat shit. - You don't say?

Eat shit and die. - Excuse me?

Eat shit and die, motherfucker. - Excuse me, sir?

What the fuck do they want? - They were not happy with it.

Kiss my ass. - I need help with this project.

Fuck it. I'm on salary. - I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

Shove it up your ass. - I don't think you understand.

This job sucks! - I love a challenge.

Blow me! - I see.

Who the fuck died and left you boss? - Would you like to take care of this?

[Krakadil]

Vus titzuch?'



President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks: "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression - 'Vus titzuch?'"

The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?"

Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to "what's happening". They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat), and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"

The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."