Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Mikhail-u]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't now," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[Акватрель]

A very unattractive, nasty, mean acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

The Wal-Mart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7.

"Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"

"Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"

[Robot]

If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

[Robot]

Here are the top ten reasons why men favor guns over women.



10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.


8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.


7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.


6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.


5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


4. Guns function normally every day of the month.


3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"


2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason men favor guns over women....

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mikhail-u]

The Pope visits Alaska


The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains
of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the
campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic
commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless
Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat,
and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while
struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free
himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.


As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican
loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into
the bear's chest... The other two reached up and pulled the
bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the
bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck
while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the
back seat.


As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come
over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he
told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between
Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists
but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."


As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies
"Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied.
"He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all
wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to
all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear
hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need
to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"

[Gazel]

Body: Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't. trust me

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is dumbass cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down.

:evillaugh

[Krakadil]

A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing
four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The only A+ in the class read: "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant!!! I
wonder who did it?"

[Krakadil]

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle
of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot
of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks
in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!
Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy,
relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his
stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to
town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries
out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the
milkman usually get bucked off!"

[Krakadil]

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students,
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family,
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you
say to her?" Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss." The
teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part." Johnny
replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet"
during a meal, is unpleasant. So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me
for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to
be able to introduce to you after dinner."

[Krakadil]

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says,
"Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a
maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this
is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with
someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to
the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears
footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What
should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?!
There's no pool here?" Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"