Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Krakadil]

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam
and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process
of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam
answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave
a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and
took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam
emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And
the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy
that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What
is a 'caress'?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief
description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a
few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said,
"Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord
said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make
love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again
to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two
seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

[Sixteen]

Three Irishmen are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle,
shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

The guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and bellies up
to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later the drunk comes back, points at the same
guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was
swee-eeet!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait and the drunk wanders
off.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom
even let me --"

Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad -- you're drunk."

Кракадил, я этот анек по русски слышал в вот таком виде:
мужик жалуется своим друзьям: сижу я в баре, а тут мой
бухой батяня на меня бросается с криками: еб твою мать!
и ведь нечего ему возразить!

[Krakadil]

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next
morning."



My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old,
Steven, roughly jerking our poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father
appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?" "I don't
know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.

[Krakadil]

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity;
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring
the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so
long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her
from here!"

[Krakadil]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday
morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist:
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told
him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few
minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the
fetal position still clasping his hands together at his
crotch.

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She
gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she
loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began
to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell."

[Krakadil]

A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they
reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a
deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who
shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer
belongs to whoever shoots it."

The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears
his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He rushes over and
finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering,
"All right, lady, all right--you can have the goddamn deer!
Just let me get my saddle off it!"

[Krakadil]

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a
long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she
said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are
sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual
age. Tell me...how did you guess?"

Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is
seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

[Krakadil]

Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked
past Ole's house and saw a sign that said, "Boat For Sale".
This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a
boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.

"Hey, Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat
says 'Boat For Sale', but ya don't even have a boat. All ya
have is your old John Deer tractor and combine."

Ole replied, "Yup, and dey're boat for sale".

[Krakadil]

paddy and murphy decided to go for a drink.
they gathered all there money and amounded 50 pence.
they then went to the butchers and bought a sausage.
they went to a bar and orderd 2 pints of beer. when the waiter asked for the
bill, paddy put the sausage out of his fly and murphy started sucking it so
they would get kicked out. they kept doing this and at the 9th pub murphy
said "paddy i cant do this any more my knees are killing me." paddy said "
how do you thunk i feel? i lost the sausage at the 2nd pub!"

[Krakadil]

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came
back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered
around to hear the details.

She said "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor."

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was

$100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him
that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much
either. Finally I said, well how much do you have? The
sailor said that he only had $25. So I told him for

$25 all I can do is service you by hand. He agreed and after
getting the finance straight, he pulled it out and I put
one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and
then the first hand above the second hand."

"Oh my god!" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge.
Then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.