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[Krakadil]

HAVE YOU BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN

AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST

APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULLNAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY

WITHTHE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS

SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS

WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

HMMM,...OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED

CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. " HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1957. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

[alina suarez]

This reportedly is an actual job application a 17 year old boy
submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and
they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
.

[Krakadil]

People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for
health.

Never interrupt your opponent while he is making a mistake,

Always buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes. When you're not in one,
you'll be in the other.

One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't
matter which half you're in.

To be successful, live by the "postage stamp" philosophy......stick to one
thing until you get there.

Marriage is like a tourniquet; it stops your circulation.

There's at least one fool in every married couple.

Shortly after buying a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.

[Krakadil]

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.


To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.


To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.


To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.


To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.


To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.


To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.


Time waits for no one.

[Krakadil]

Quote of the Times;
The videogame industry changed the rating of the game "Grand Theft Auto"
to 'Adults Only' under pressure from media watch groups and politicians
because the game had hidden sexual content.

Politicians felt the sex would have a negative effect on the children.
That shows you how uptight we are in this country.

Apparently a game where you're stealing cars and killing cops is okay, but
it's just the sex we don't like. ~ Jay Leno

[OXYGEN]

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

( And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[SpaceMarine]

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in

the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

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"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like

Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)````````````````

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[Krakadil]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver."

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
fools."

[Krakadil]

Best bumper stickers of year 1999

a.. God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends
b.. My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
c.. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
d.. (Spotted on a passing motorcycle)
e.. If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
f.. I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now
g.. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
h.. What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
i.. Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
j.. Liberal Arts Major. Will Think for Food
k.. Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
l.. Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
m.. If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
n.. First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed
o.. In Dog Years, I'm Dead
p.. Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
q.. If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
r.. The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard
s.. Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
t.. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
u.. I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
v.. Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well
w.. A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night
x.. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
y.. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
z.. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
aa.. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
ab.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
ac.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
ad.. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
ae.. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
af.. I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
ag.. BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
ah.. All men are idiots... and I married their king.
ai.. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
aj.. I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what
you've got.
ak.. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
al.. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
am.. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
an.. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
ao.. Hang up and drive.
ap.. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
aq.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
ar.. NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.
as.. God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
at.. I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
au.. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
av.. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
aw.. Where there's a will..I want to be in it.
ax.. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
ay.. Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
az.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
ba.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
bb.. Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
bc.. HONK ... If You Want To See My Finger
bd.. Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
be.. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
bf.. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
bg.. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
bh.. Keep honking while I reload.
bi.. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
bj.. Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
bk.. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
bl.. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement
park.
bm.. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
bn.. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
bo.. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
bp.. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
bq.. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
br.. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
bs.. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like
that.
bt.. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
bu.. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
bv.. If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
bw.. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

[Krakadil]

Для нашего криминального друга - любителя Джорджа Карлина.


Old George Carlin's philolosophy class

a.. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
b.. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
c.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
d.. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
e.. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
f.. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
g.. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
h.. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
i.. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
j.. Is there another word for synonym?
k.. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
l.. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
m.. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
n.. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
o.. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
p.. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
q.. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
r.. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
s.. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
t.. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
u.. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
v.. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
w.. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
x.. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
y.. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
z.. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
aa.. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
ab.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
ac.. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
ad.. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
ae.. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
af.. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
ag.. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
ah.. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
ai.. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
aj.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
ak.. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
al.. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
am.. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?