Re: Смех сегодня (в Америке)
JOHN CLEESE LETTER TO AMERICA
(Notice of Revocation of Independence)
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You
will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will
learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You
are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be
no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to
cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you
learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language
as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also
have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such
as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist
in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red
Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which
is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than
a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you
will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips
are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known
as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000
years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
John Cleese
~~~
NOTE: This is one version of a text circulating via forwarded email
since November 2000. Though attributed to former Monty Python member
John Cleese, it was not actually written by him.
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