Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Krakadil]

Never mind bad taste, anyway it's funny


A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One
of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response
on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained
what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex
will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical,
but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby
finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the
woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the
room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I
think she choked."

[Krakadil]

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for
an elaborate funeral.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery,
she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely
nothing left from the $30,000."

The friend asks, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of
course I made a donation to the church -- that was $500,
and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks --
you know. The rest went for the memorial stone".

The friend says, "$22,500 for ? My God,
how big is it?"

The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

[Krakadil]

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is
wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion
sense." "Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings." "Oh, yeah, sure,"
says Bob sheepishly. "Really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever
since my wife found it in our bed!"

[Анфиса_Скукотищева]

Я обнаружила забавную грамматическую зарисовку. Вставлю и в эту тему, потому что это своеобразный анекдотик на и про английский язык

Система английских времен с точки зрения употребления глагола "to Vоdkа"

1. Во-первых, необходимо уяснить, что в исследуемом языке существуют глаголы:
1.1 неопределенные (Indеfinitе), то есть неизвестно, пьешь ты или не пьешь.
1.2 длительные (Соntinuоus), то есть ты пьешь и находишься в состоянии глубокого запоя.
1.3 завершенные (Реrfесt), то есть ты либо уже вышел из запоя, либо уже окончательно напился и вырубился.
2. Во-вторых, существует объективное:
2.1 настоящее (Рrеsеnt) - ваше отношение к спиртному
2.2 прошлое (Раst) - темное или светлое
2.3 будущее (Futurе) - то, что вам светит: цирроз печени, наркологический диспансер, белая горячка и т. п.
3. Теперь все смешиваем.
3.1. Рrеsеnt:
3.1.1. Рrеsеnt Indеfinitе (настоящее неопределенное) см. выше.
I vоdkа еvеrу dау. - Я пью водку каждый день. Вместо еvеrу dау можно употреблять выражения: usuаllу, sеldоm, оftеn, frоm timе tо timе, frоm mеlkауа роsudа, bоlshimi glоtkаmу...
3.1.2. Рrеsеnt Соntinuоus (настоящее длительное):
I аm vоdking nоw. - Я пью водку сейчас.
Для эмфатического усиления с этим временем можно употреблять наречия:
Hе is соnstаntlу vоdking! - Он постоянно поддатый!
3.1.3. Рrеsеnt Реrfесt (настоящее завершенное):
I hаvе аlrеаdу vоdkеd. - Я уже нажрамшись. (В ответ на предложение выпить).
3.1.4. Рrеsеnt Реrfесt Соntinuоus (настоящее завершенно-продолженное):
I hаvе bееn vоdking sinсе сhildhооd. - Я пью водку с детства. (тип inсlusivе). Я пил водку с детства (но уже не пью). (тип ехсlusivе).
3.2. Раst:
3.2.1. Раst Indеfinitе (прошедшее неопределенное):
I vоdkеd уеstеrdау. - Я напился вчера. (Hе путать со временем 3.1.3., там ты напился только что).
3.2.2. Раst Соntinuоus (прошедшее длительное):
Часто употребляется как придаточное предложение к главному во времени
3.2.1. Unfоrtunаnеlу, I wаs vоdking аt thе mоmеnt mу wifе саmе. - К несчастью, я пил водку в тот момент, когда пришла жена.
3.2.3. Раst Реrfесt (прошедшее завершенное): также употребляется как придаточное.
I hаd аlrеаdу vоdkеd whеn mу wifе саmе. - Я уже упился, когда вошла жена.
3.2.4. Раst Реrfесt Соntinuоus (прошедшее завершенно-продолженное).
I hаd bееn vоdking fоr аbоut а mоnth whеn mу wifе саmе. - Я пил водку уже около месяца, когда вошла моя жена.
3.3. Futurе:
3.3.1. Futurе Indеfinitе (будущее неопределенное).
I will vоdkа tоmоrrоw. - Я буду пить водку завтра.
Примечание: В придаточных предложениях времени и условия (то есть при отсутствии подходящего времени и условий) вместо времени 3.3.1. употребляется время 3.1.1.: If I vоdkа tоmоrrоw I will bе siсk thе dау аftеr tоmоrrоw. - Если я выпью завтра, я буду болеть послезавтра.
3.3.2. Futurе Соntinuоus (будущее длительное).
I will bе vоdking tоmоrrоw аt 5. - Я буду заниматься употреблением горячительных напитков завтра в пять.
Примечание: При горячем желании опохмелиться вместо времени 3.3.1. можно употреблять время 3.3.2.:
Sооn! Sооn I will bе vоdking. - Скоро! Скоро я буду пить водку!
3.3.3. Futurе Реrfесt (будущее завершенное): употребляется при планировании состояния опьянения.
Тоmоrrоw bу 5 о'сlосk I will hаvе vоdkеd. - Завтра к пяти я буду нажрамшись.
3.3.4. Futurе Реrfесt Соntinuоus (будущее завершенно-длительное):
Ву tоmоrrоw mоrning I will hаvе bееn vоdking fоr а tеrm. - К завтрашнему утру я буду пить водку семестр.
3.3.5 Futurе in thе Раst (будущее в прошедшем):
Wоuld уоu vоdkа in thе сhildrеn gаrdеn? - Хотели бы вы пить белую в детском саду?
Мы надеемся, что это доступное изложение системы английских времен поможет вам ими овладеть.

комментарий:
Автор пособия совершенно несправедливо обошел своим вниманием тот факт, что в системе времен английского языка существует кроме довольно активного (используемого автором)еще и пассивный залог(Passive Voice). Видимо, по молодости лет автор не прочувствовал всю глубину глагола To Vodkа... И я могу подтвердить это примерами, итак, по схеме автора:
Passive Voice
1. Present
1.1. Indefinite Tense
I am usually vodked .- Обычно меня поят водкой. (звучит,а?) (я думаю ни у кого не возникнет возражений по поводу того, что Тo Vodka-глагол правильный, поэтому я использую окончание -ed)
Вместо usually можно употреблять выражения:every day, seldom, often, from time to time и далее по оригиналу...
1.2. Present Continuous (настоящее длительное)
Man! I feel like a woman (танцевальный ритм от Shania Twain) and I can guess why!I am being hardly vodked at the moment. - Мужик, я счас ощущаю себя прямо женщиной какой-то и даже,блин,догадываюсь почему - меня уж очень поят водкой.. (кто девушку ужинает, тот ее и танцует...см. выше - залог пассивный)
1.3. Present Perfect (настоящее завершенное)
Пример: Where am I? Who am I? Have been vodked already, ik (с понижающейся интонацией).-Где я? Кто я? Напоили,с##и..,ик
2. Past
2.1. Past Indefinite (прошедшее неопределенное)
Пример: I was vodked yesterday.- Меня напоили вчера. (Зачем активно закладываться,например, перед женой?) Правда в случае с Past Continuous фраза приобретает более трагическое звучание, чем при использовании активного залога. Unfortunatly, I was being vodked at the moment my wife came. К несчастью,меня спаивали в тот момент, когда вошла моя жена.. также, впрочем, как и Past Perfect (прошедшее завершенное) Пример: I had already been vodked when my wife came. - Меня уже напоили, когда вошла моя жена.(no comments
3. Future
3.1. Future Indefinite (будущее неопределенное)
Пример: I feel I will be vodked soon ?/!- Чувствую, напоют меня скоро. (тот радостный момент, когда процесс становится необратимым)
В придаточных предложениях времени и условия: If I have not been vodked today I will vodka tomorrow . - Если меня не напоят сегодня, то напьюсь я завтра сам.(первая часть предложения-неудавшийся пассив, вторая - неизбежный актив).
3.2. Future Perfect (будущее завершенное)
Употребляется при планировании состояния опьянения за чужой счет со строго положительной вероятностью. Tomorrow by 5 o'clock I will have been fully vodked. - Завтра к пяти я буду в стельку пьян и не по своей инициативе и при любом раскладе.
Примечание: во временах неопределенно длительных (Present/Past/Future Perfect Continuous) а также в будущем продолженном (Future Continouos) пассив не существует...

[Krakadil]

There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and
immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their
files, he said, "You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you
in, you have to answer a question." So he asks the first nun, "What was the
name of the first man that God created?" "Adam," she replied. The lights
started flashing, music started playing, the angels started singing, and
then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she
went into the Pearly Gates. Then St.Peter asked the second nun, "What was
the name of the name of the first woman that God created?" "Eve," the nun
said. And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her
halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates. Then St. Peter asked
the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun,
clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied, "Gee, that's a
hard one." And the lights started flashing, the music started playing......

[Krakadil]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a
condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[Krakadil]

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a
magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said.
"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a
season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from
his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season
ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why
not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

[Krakadil]

Two Women Talking In Heaven:
>
> 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
> 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
> 1st woman: I froze to death.
> 2nd woman: How horrible!
> 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
> 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
> 1st woman: So, what happened?
> 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
> 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........ We'd both still be alive.

[Krakadil]

An Italian and a Greek were trying to out do
each other boasting about their culture and
heritage.
The Italian: "We have the Coliseum and our
famous Roman Empire."
The Greek; "We have the Parthenon in
Athens and we invented Democracy"
The Italian: "Aaaah! But the British have your
Elgin Marbles in the British Museum which
they will never give back to you."
The Greek is really upset by this so he
decides to be outrageous and says. "Yes, but
the Greeks invented sex!!"
The Italian thinks for a moment and then
says ,"Aaaah yes, true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women!"

[Krakadil]

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a
> Black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is
> your name?"
>
> "I can't tell you" the black man says. Every night they meet and
> every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the
> same, he can't tell her.
>
> On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me
> your name? "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the
> Black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
> "Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
>
> And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and
> says, "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "I'm not making
> fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell
> him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!"