Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Krakadil]

"Health experts in Europe now say one carrot a day
can keep you free of colon cancer.
You know, I just hope they mean you eat it."


Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!

A small girl was lost at a large shopping mall.
She approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little girl replied, "Crown Royal whisky and women with big tits."

[Krakadil]

Obligatory Marine joke:

News reporter: "Now that you're back from Iraq, what's the first thing
you're going to do?"

Marine: "Fuck my wife!"

News reporter: "Well, we can't go on the air with that. How 'bout the second
thing you're going to do?"

Marine: "Then I'm gonna take off these fucking combat boots!"

Wait, the Marines have special combat boots just for that? Wow, the Marines
really are prepared for everything!

[Krakadil]

> An old veteran priest, Father Pelligrini, came out of the confessional
> and said to his newly-appointed priest, "Could you hear the next few
> confessions while I take a leak?"
>
> The new priest said "Okay, but I should be consistent. What sort of
> penance do you give them?"
>
> Father Pelligrini said "I give them ten Our Fathers for mortal sins,
> and just five Our Fathers for lesser sins."
>
> The new priest got into the confessional, and asked "What sins have you
> committed since your last confession, my child?"
>
> A young girl's voice replied "Father, I gave my boyfriend a blow job."
>
> "Oh dear" thought the priest. Having sex is a mortal sin, but is a blow
> job a mortal sin or a lesser sin? Should I give five Our Fathers or
> ten?
>
> He said "Just a moment" and went to ask. Father Pelligrini wasn't
> about, so he whispered to the altar-boy "What does Father Pelligrini
> give for a blow job?"
>
> The altar-boy whispered back "A coke and a packet of chips!"

[Krakadil]

A Lawyer's Generosity knows no bounds

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are
you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."

Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you."

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under
that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
said, "You come with us, too."

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

[Krakadil]

A man goes to a dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
out
a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!"
the
patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills".

The dentist left for a moment and when he returned, says "Here is a Viagra
tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold
onto
when I pull out your tooth."

[Gazel]

The Ten Best Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.


9. This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to.


8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!


7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy.


6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.


5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?

4. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem.

3. Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

2. Who put decaf in the wrong pot?

AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.....

1. Raise your head slowly and say , ". . . . . . In Jesus Name, Amen.!

[Urfin_JOos]

---Choose your state.----
State Mottos for US license plates:


Alabama: Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Isn't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only the Kennedy's Don't Own It--Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in Our Water
Florida: Land of the Hanging, Dimpled, and Pregnant Chads
Georgia: We Put the ''Fun'' in Fundamentalism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Salami Leek Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, but Leave Your Money)
Idaho: We're More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, but the Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the ''S''
Indiana: Tidal Wave Free for 4,000 Years
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First of the Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, but That's Our Tourism
Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Europe's (for Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Armed Militiamen, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here, You Freakin' Idiot!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent; You Have the Right to an Attorney.
North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's for Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY an Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer to Florida Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun by Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut the Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men

[Krakadil]

The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"
"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
"What IS your name?"

[Krakadil]

The news reported that It was so cold in New York City today
that some of the cabbies
had to get treated for frostbite of their middle finger
_____________________

My doctor said I was paranoid.
Well, he didn't actually say it,
but I could tell he was thinking it.
_________________

IRS Auditor: "Thank you for your estimated tax return.
Now, would you like to hear
your estimated prison sentence?"
______________

You know that you're in a tough neighborhood
when you see nine police cars
on the block and there is no doughnut shop.
__________________

Yawning is usually the act of a person
inadvertently opening his mouth
when he wishes others would close theirs.
_________________________

[Krakadil]

A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to stay.
He hears that room and board is available from the three old spinsters at
the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in letting strangers
stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door. His
knock is answered by Gladys. "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him.
"Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," he
answers. The other two old spinsters gather around the door. "Who's out
there? Does he look decent?" they ask. Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and
he's got a Purple Heart on." The other two heard-of-hearing spinsters giggle
and say, "The hell with what colour it is... let him in!"