Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Krakadil]

Для тех, кто хоть раз играл в гольф

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled P-U-T or
P-U-T-T?" she asked the instructor." P-U-T-T is correct," he replied." P-U-T
means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt
to do the same thing."

[Krakadil]

Marriage Counseling

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The
counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade
listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been
married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and
kisses her passionately rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love
to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly in a very
satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here
Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf.

[Gazel]

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!"
"That is great", said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

[Gazel]

Corny Jokes

How do people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
***
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
***
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
***
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
***
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
***
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
***
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
***
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
***
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
***
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
***
What is zebra?
Twenty-six sizes larger than an "A" bra.
***
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
***
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
***
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
***
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
***
Why don't lobsters share?
They are shellfish.
***
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
***
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four doors they'd be chicken saloons.
***
What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.
***
When is a door not a door?
When it's a jar!
***
How can you get four suites for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
***
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
***
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
***
How do you prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
***
If a long dress is evening wear, what is s suit of armour?
Silverware.
***
What do hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.
***

[Gazel]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart! creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death!

(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.


("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in a mans body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.


(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


(What about that pig??)

:evillaugh

[Gazel]

While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were discussing life and death.



I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.

Some days I hate being married to a smart ass.

[Акватрель]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey,
I haven'tseen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."


"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a canon
ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to
your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into
a swordfight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a
hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew
over. I looked up and one of them s---t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose
an eye just from some bird s--t."

"It was my first day with the hook."
:cool: :evillaugh

[Mikhail-u]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk,a carton of
eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine
lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package
of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt
to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as
she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier waging up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
since she was indeed single. She looked at her six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped
off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on
earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."

[рваная_рубашка]

-Officer, did u hit the woman with a child?
-No, sir, I hit her with a brick!

Ветошь

[Gazel]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart