Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Krakadil]

After a lengthy study, an Argentinean scientist has discovered that people
with very low intellect read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.










Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.

[Krakadil]

"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know
that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday
was that you were out playing golf."

"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested.
"And I have the fish to prove it!"
________________________

As one antique dealer admitted to another,
theirs was a strange way of making a living.

"In what other business," she asked,
"do grandparents buy something,
parents sell it, and children buy it again?"
_________________

[Krakadil]

Леону понравится.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back,
the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the
honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we
returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never
heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get
me and take me home.... Please Mum!" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down!
Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me
tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too
awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so
upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the
bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

[Krakadil]

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his
options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man
reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately
available, considering that money was no object. "I do have three hearts,"
said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker,
athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool
and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old,
great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third
is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!" "Yeah, but
it's from a lawyer and never been used."

[Krakadil]

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England. They
gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced
King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man pushing his way to the front of
the crowd asks, "When did that happen?" "1215," answers the guide. The man
looks at his watch and says, "Shit! Just missed it by a half hour!"

A man goes into a doctor's surgery and says, "Help! I think I'm a moth!" The
doctor says, "Well, I can't help you, I'm only a GP. You need the
psychiatrist next door. Why on earth did you come to me?" And the man says,
"Your light was on."

[Krakadil]

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day
... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his
wife and asked, "What?"

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind
letting her boyfriend know it, too: "A lot of men are gonna be totally
miserable when I marry." she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And
just how many men are you planning to marry?"

[Gazel]

Subject: One Question IQ test
Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend
the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?

Think about it first before looking down for the answer...







He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now

[Krakadil]

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to
the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department
store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA
bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had
become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the
sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have
anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you
tried Clearasil?"

[Krakadil]

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first
time her father's nakedness. Immediately, she is curious -- he has equipment
that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there,
daddy?" Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here." Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and
tells her what daddy has said. To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything
about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

[Krakadil]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the
perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back there, standing
next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going
to shit yourself when you hear the price."