Смех сегодня (в Америке)

[Krakadil]

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in
the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out...

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I mix my water myself-two parts H and one part O.

[Krakadil]

I've been counting calories for six months now. I don't know about my figure
but, my arithmetic's improving.

A vacation is a two-week-long experience where money and time race against
each other, until both are totally exhausted.

They're not really fixing the streets. They're just moving the holes so that
motorists can't memorize them.

There is never a right way to do the wrong thing.

The birds, chipmunks and rabbits in my yard are nature. Your cat in my
garden is history.

When you aim for perfection you discover it is a moving target

We want all machines to be perfect, with the exception of the bathroom
scale.

It's easy enough to spot the winners. They're the ones not complaining about
the rules.

A great actor can bring tears to our eyes. But then, so can an auto
mechanic.

To make a long story short, there's nothing like the boss walking in.

Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.

Scars are tattoos with better stories.

[Krakadil]

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man
goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor.

"Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and
I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when
I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on
for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement,
and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife.

"How're you feeling?" he asks.

"I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots
of energy and I'm not feeling any pain."

The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your
husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband
said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord
turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he
means?"

"Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator
again."

[Krakadil]

Hillary Clinton was being driven around the countryside in
her limo by her driver. Suddenly a cow walked into the road
and, unable to stop in time, the limo hits the cow. Slightly
shaken up, the driver goes to see if the cow is alright.

"Is it alright ?" asks Hillary from the comfort of the back
seat.

The driver prodded the cow with his foot, and shook his
head. "No ma'am, it's dead."

"Well you were driving, not me, so you go and tell the
farmer what happened !" So the driver goes off to the nearby
farm.

A couple of hours later the driver comes back holding a
bottle of champagne, with his clothes scruffy and all messed
up. "Oh my God, what happened to you ?" Hillary exclaimed
as she saw the driver.

"Well ma'am, the farmer gave me this bottle of champagne,
the farmer's wife gave me a kiss, and their daughter had sex
with me !!"

"What the hell did you say ?"

"Well ma'am, I just said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and
I've just killed the cow'."

[Krakadil]

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and
Viagra than on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year
2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge
breasts and erections who can't remember where they got them or what to do
with them

[Krakadil]

What men do after sex?

2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up
and go back home to their wives.

[Krakadil]

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
die first, start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in

a nursing home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for

being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you

get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young

enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're

generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary

school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become
a

baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries

like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters everyday,

and finally you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

[Krakadil]

If the going is real easy, beware, you may be headed down hill

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks

Meanness doesn't just happen overnight.

Living in the past has one thing in its favor. It's cheaper

I got in touch with my inner child...now my imaginary friend is jealous

A voltage spike? OUCH! That hertz!

A careful driver is one who just saw the driver ahead get a ticket.

Everybody needs a hug. It changes your metabolism

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note.

Killing time murders opportunities.

Egotist: - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

College professor: a man who gets what's left over after the football
coach is paid off. _________________

[Krakadil]

Top Ten Signs The Middle-East News Reporter you are watching has no
clue
10. He's reporting from Lebanon, Pennsylvania
9. Keeps confusing Al Aqsa with Al Bundy
8. Calls Hezbollah "freedom fighters"
7. Thought the MidEast was just a tough college basketball
conference
6. Starts interview with insane Syrian ambassador: "For the
record, I loved Syriana"
5. Signature sign off: "Stay Classy, Osama"
4. Wears a shaitel, full modest dress in order to "fit in" when
interviewing Israelis on Tel Aviv beach
3. Concludes Israeli bomb shelter report with, "No sign of Baby
Suri here, Bob"
2. He's wearing a "Bull-Shiite" t-shirt
1. Sees a clear difference between Hezbollah & Al Quaeda

[Mikhail-u]

Inheritance:

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune after his sickly
father dies, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to
her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit
20 million dollars."

>Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
>later, she became his stepmother.
>
>Women are so much smarter than men