Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[рваная_рубашка]

Молодой человек приходит в четырехэтажный универсам, подходит к прилавку на первом этаже и говорит продавцу:
-Скажите, у вас есть запись Дюны?
На что продавец отвечает: Вы знаете, поднимитесь-ка на четвертый этаж. Там у нас покемоны продаются, может и запиз*юны найдутся :lol2:
with love, Ветошь

[Krakadil]

Two guys, Peter and Paul, are talking in a bar after having had a few. Paul
asks, "Say Pete, if I slept with your wife, would we still be friends?" "No"
"Well, would we still be pals?" "No" "Oh, we'd be enemies I suppose?" "No"
"Well what would we be then?" "We'd be even!"

[Krakadil]

The doctor told his patient,
"I'm afraid you only have three weeks to live".

The patient replied, "Then I'll take the last two weeks in July
and the week between Christmas and New Year."

[Mikhail-u]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a
little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

[Акватрель]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great
and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a
season.
One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared
a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's
edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent
creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as
if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'. Miraculously,
two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of
that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[Gazel]

THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT


Dear Diary...

For my birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.
He
is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.


Some people need more love than they deserve!

[Mikhail-u]

This is a true story...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her
voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping
bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large
handgun.

No charges were filed.

[Mikhail-u]

Palestinian Help
[Gaza City] After relief groups have successfully ended negotiations with the U.S. about assistance for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Palestinian spokesperson for the Red Crescent Society, Farouk El-Farouk has confirmed their nation's participation in the relief effort. It was confirmed that at 9:15am this-morning, 4 plane-loads of volunteers from Gaza and the West Bank left Amman, bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting.

[Mikhail-u]

A woman wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for
the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a
circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER
THE ICE."

Startled, the woman moved further down the ice, poured a cup of
cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE."

The woman, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite
end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

[Krakadil]

Q: Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?
>
> A: Because it's the nearest you can get to water.


Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.