Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Krakadil]

A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
anything to show my gratitude."
"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
and take that damn dog for a walk!"

[Krakadil]

What men do after sex? 2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go
to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.

Why is your penis better than a credit card? (a) Once spent it recharges
itself. (b) It is accepted worldwide. (c)You can let your wife use it as
much as she wants.

Little girl: "Mommy, I just found out that our neighbour's son has a penis
like a peanut!" Mum: "You mean it's small?" Little girl: "No it's salty!"

Women top 5 lies: from the whitest down 5. I am a virgin. 4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend. 2. I won't gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!

[Krakadil]

Mum: "Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T". And
if he touches your pussy say STOP!" Girl : But mum, he touched both, so I
told him DON'T STOP!"


While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that
he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went
into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store.
Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a
local farm girl. He approached and asked her, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can... until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain
wild and crazy!"

[Krakadil]

Jenny was so tired trying to do it all, but one evening, she arrived home
from work to find the children fed, bathed, & doing homework, one load of
clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the
table set. She was astonished -- something was up. It turns out that Ralph
had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their
own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next
day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph
even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what
about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was
too tired..."

[Krakadil]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,". "Just be
quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail
until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I
said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer
looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count
on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[Krakadil]

On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
As traffic began to pile up in all directions, a woman rushed to help him.
As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed
her aside, and said, "It's all right, honey. I've had a course in first
aid." She stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and prepared to
administer artificial respiration. Then she tapped him on the shoulder.
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already
here."

[Thomas]

The Telephone ring.........

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone

failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring,

her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene,

curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set,

and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away,

but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
6. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[Krakadil]

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of
their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old
lady, "I know just what you're wanting.
For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa
over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,
and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging
down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."

[Krakadil]

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there
lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after
a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing
very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister
continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member
of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking
that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my
flock of loyal followers." Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to
one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

[Krakadil]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of
the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been
giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much.
I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The
doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side
effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."