Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Krakadil]

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky,
>mine's still alive."
>
>
>Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
>
>
>Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
>speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the
>man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
>
>
>When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
>thing: either the car is new or the wife.
>
>
>A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your
>bags, I've won the lottery!"
>The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm
>weather?"
>She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
>
>
>A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and
>threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned
>over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a
>moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
>
>
>Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven't seen each other for
>years. As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat
>diamond ring, and says "My what a magnificent ring." Her friend relies,
>"Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes
>with my husband!"
>
>
>Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something
>you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
>
>
>Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a
>good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
>
>
>One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.
>
>
>Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his
>success.
>
>
>I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be
>why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
>
>
>A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
>
>
>I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
>
>
>We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a
>woman. And behind her stands his wife.
>
>
>Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when
>they try to decide which one.
>
>
>Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
>
>
>If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
>say, talk in your sleep.
>
>
>Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet
>she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned
>for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You
>have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
>there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got
>shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
>When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think
>about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"
>
>
>Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
>finger?
>Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

[Krakadil]

Subject: Interview

At the immigration desk somewhere in Europe...

* Name ?
* Abu Dalah Sarafi.
* Sex ?
* Four times a week.
* No, no, no. . .male or female ?
* Male, Female. . . Sometimes camel. . .

[Жалоба]

Subject: Interview

At the immigration desk somewhere in Europe...

* Name ?
* Abu Dalah Sarafi.
* Sex ?
* Four times a week.
* No, no, no. . .male or female ?
* Male, Female. . . Sometimes camel. . .

:grum: :grum:
ой, чего-то мы все скоро будем на такой волне... столько смеха с утра!

[Krakadil]

Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable...
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo and the hairdresser asked about the trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?' "

[Krakadil]

"Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki...
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I ! doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: (This is cute)......... Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama, which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama

Lesson of the day:

Don't Lie to Your Mother

[Krakadil]

The Story Of Creation

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so his Man and Woman creations would live long
and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "as long as you're at it, add
some sprinkles." And they both gained pounds and Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size
6 to size 14.

Next, God created healthful juices from all the fruits and vegetables he
had previously created so men and women would have a choice of healthy
liquids to drink. Satan seeing this, created beer and whiskey and
numerous sugar water and chemical based drinks and men and women became
numb, nasty, fatter, and diabetic. Satan was pleased.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good." Satan grinning, then created chocolate cake and
named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not have to toil changing the channels. And Men and Women laughed
and cried before the flickering blue light and gained many more pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained more pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double fat cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man
replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And
Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

[']

Смешно.

[Krakadil]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he
felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down
the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could
make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store
and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and
told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."


Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman
eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit
perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure." The salesman
eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished,

"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe
tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size
36."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."


ALWAYS get a second opinion...

[Krakadil]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my
whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding
cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole
day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think
about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems
to make me think of women." A little while later, a man sat down next
to the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I
always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

[bezmozgoff]

Ang God said unto him "Come forth".
And he came fifth and won a rubber duck.