Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Spartacus]

quote]
Kid comes home from school and says, "mom I've got a problem"
She says, "tell me, sweetie"
He tells her that boys at school r using two words he doesnt understand. She asks him what those words r.
He goes, "Well, PUSSY and BITCH"
She explains, "Oh, thats OK baby, not a big deal. Pussy is a cat, like our Pinky, and bitch is a female dog, like our Stinky".
He thanks her and goes to visit dad, and asks him same freaking question, "Dad, boys at school r using words I dont know and I asked mom and I dont think she told me their exact meaning"
Dad says, "Son, I told u NEVER to go to mom with these matters; she cant handle them. What r the words? Shoot!"
He goes, "PUSSY and BITCH"
Dad says, "OK", and pulls out Playboy form the shelf. He takes a marker and circles the pubic area on the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside the circle is PUSSY"
Kid goes, "OK, dad, so whats a BITCH?"

"Son", dad says, "everything outside that circle".
[/quote]

Q: Have u heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A: They 're called "Pre-dick-a-mints"

A woman walked into the ladies' room and saw a man standing up using the toilet.
Shocked, she yelled, "This is just for women!"
"so is this", he replied

Q: How can u tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: One oh his fingers is clean

A husband tries his luck with his wife but she says, "Sorry, darling, but I have an appointment tomorrow with my gynecologist and I wanna stay fresh".
The husband rolls over and thinks about this for a while, then whispers to her, "Do u have a dentist's appointment tomorrow???"

Q: what do u say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A: Goes-in-tight!!!

Man: my wife's kinky. She likes sex in her ear.
Friend: Why's that???
Man: Well, everytime I try to put it in her mouth she turns her head...

Q:What grosser than gross?
A: Ten naked men running in a circle and the first one stops!

Q: How do u turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it..

[Маня]

An 8-year-old girl went outside to find her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was probably old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her, "So, why did you ask?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

[Рижанка]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and
talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the
cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was
finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen
Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks
for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would
be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to
call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the
USA , the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call."

[Рижанка]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

[Berman]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Маня]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION.....

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Венцель]

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing.

I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,
Fisherman

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught:













Dr. Phil: "Fisherman...Lose the wife, and keep the boat"...

[Yura717]

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted:

"GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!" Again after a few more minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a NAVY SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold.

The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent ..... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

[Венцель]

A YOUNG VENTRILOQUIST IS TOURING THE CLUBS AND ONE NIGHT HE'S DOING A SHOW
IN A SMALL TEXAS TOWN .
WITH HIS DUMMY ON HIS KNEE HE STARTS GOING THROUGH HIS USUAL DUMB BLONDE
JOKES.

SUDDENLY, A BLONDE WOMAN IN THE 4TH ROW STANDS ON HER CHAIR AND STARTS
SHOUTING; 'I'VE HEARD ENOUGH OF YOUR STUPID BLONDE JOKES. WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK YOU CAN STEREOTYPE WOMEN THAT WAY? WHAT DOES THE COLOR OF A WOMAN'S
HAIR HAVE TO DO WITH HER WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING? IT'S GUYS LIKE YOU WHO KEEP
WOMEN LIKE ME FROM BEING RESPECTED AT WORK AND IN THE COMMUNITY, AND FROM
REACHING OUR FULL POTENTIAL AS A PERSON. IT'S BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR KIND
CONTINUE TO PERPETUATE DISCRIMINATION AGAINST NOT ONLY BLONDES BUT WOMEN IN
GENERAL....AND ALL IN THE NAME OF HUMOR!!!'

THE EMBARRASSED VENTRILOQUIST BEGINS TO APOLOGIZE, AND THE BLONDE YELLS,
'YOU STAY OUT OF THIS! I'M TALKING TO THAT LITTLE SHIT ON YOUR KNEE!'

[michigan]

There's three guys, a spic, a white guy and a black guy.

And they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out.
Genie says "You wish for anything you want."

So, he asks Mexican what he wants, and he goes, "I want all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie - Poof! And, all the spics are in Mexico.

And then he asks the black guy "What do you want?" And he goes "I want all my African- my nigger brothers in America to be back in Africa and happy and everything." So, genie goes poof! And all the niggers in America are in Africa.

So the genie says to the white guy "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the niggers and spics are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah."
He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."

Boondock Saints ©