Коллекция анекдотов на английском [Archive] - Page 2

Urfin_JOos

10-16-2006, 03:43 PM

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the
restaurant may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two
years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such
as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

***WEDDINGS***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
Cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an
appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good hi s wife is in the sack.

***DRIVING ETTIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Акватрель

10-20-2006, 05:42 PM

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to
go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few
minutes, and Jesus agrees

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey
up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's
tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks
him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be
admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I
didn't live in America or England . I lived a modest life, making
things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people,
but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I
was more of a mentor to him, he didn't really come into this world
in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was
ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with
some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be
honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get
into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old
man's eyes and asks, "Dad?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks,
"Pinocchio?"

Akela

10-29-2006, 02:09 PM

Men in Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared

And said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the Head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Mikhail-u

11-03-2006, 01:16 PM

Не уверен, что свежее, но это мне прислали из Сибири, человек, который не знает ни слова по-английски.

Temperature Extremes

+ 20 C - Greeks put on sweaters (if they can find them).

+ 15 C - Hawaiians turn on the heaters (if they have them)

+ 10 C - Americans shake, Russians are planting cucumbers.

+ 5 C - You can see your own breathing. Italian cars don't start. Norwegians take a bath. Russians drive with lowered windows.

0 C - Water freezes in America, in Russia it thickens.

- 5 C - French cars don't start.

- 10 C - You're planning a vacation to Australia.

- 15 C - Your cat insists to sleep in your bed. Norwegians put on sweaters.

- 18 C - New York landlords turn on the heaters. Russians make their last seasonal picnic.

- 20 C - American cars don't start. People in Alaska start wearing long-sleeves.

- 25 C - German cars don't start. Hawaiians are dead.

- 30 C - Politicians start talking about homeless people. Your cat prefers to sleep in your pajamas.

- 35 C - Too cold to think. Japanese cars don't start.

- 40 C - You're planning a 2-week hot tub bath. Swedish cars don't start.

- 42 C - Transportation stops in Europe. Russians eat ice cream on the street.

- 45 C - All Greeks are dead. Politicians really start doing something for the homeless.

- 50 C - Your eyelids start sticking when you blink. In Alaska, people close the window in the bathroom.

- 60 C - White bears start moving south.

- 70 C - The hell froze.

- 73 C - Finnish special services evacuate Santa Claus from Lapland. Russians wear earmuff hats.

- 80 C - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-114 C - Ethyl alcohol is freezing. Russians are unhappy.

-273 C - Absolute zero, atomic movement stops. Russians wear boots.

-295 C - 90% of the planet is dead. Russian soccer team becomes the world champion.

Gazel

11-14-2006, 12:47 PM

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM NORTH

DAKOTA? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A FARGO RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new HUMMER for $72,500.00 (with monthly

payments of $860.00). He and a friend go duck hunting

in upper MINNESOTA. It's mid-winter; and of course all

of the lakes are frozen These two guys go out on the

ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new

HUMMER.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open

water area for the ducks to focus on, something for

the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a

passing duck, is going to take a little more power

than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of

the back of the new HUMMER comes a stick of dynamite

with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket

Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while

trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and

becoming toast, along with the HUMMER), decide on the

following course of action: they light the 40 second

fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick

of dynamite as far away as possible

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned

the HUMMER, the GUNS, and the DOG..???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Yellow Lab

used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the

owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the

ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of

dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it

hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms

and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble

stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to

stop. The Dog, now apparently cheered on by his

master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the

shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with

#8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Yellow Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then

continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog,

still standing, becomes really confused and of course

terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new

HUMMER.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot

exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end,

he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes

off after his master. Then

" "" "" "" "" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of

the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with

"I can't believe this just happened" looks on their

faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a

lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by

the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of

those $860.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . doing fine.

Акватрель

12-01-2006, 09:40 AM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in
bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this
guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably spent lots of
time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck?? If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him, no matter how
much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he
gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were
cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the
bathroom. Be strong, honey....I love you too!!
:D

Rodent

12-01-2006, 10:03 AM

cosmopolit

12-01-2006, 10:23 AM

Mikhail-u

12-02-2006, 01:38 AM

Jokes from the Muslim stand-up comic Blahop Yussef:

Good evening, gentlemen, and get out, ladies.

On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said, "occupied."

What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told her twice already!

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

Did you hear about the Broadway play, "The Palestinians?" It bombed!

What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank ? Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel !

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? "Live ammunition."

A Palestinian girl says to her mommy, "After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room?"

Thank you, thank you. My name is Blahop Yussef. (say it out loud).

If you are offended by this joke consider the fact that 90% of Palestinians voted for Hamas which has in its charter to destroy the State of Israel

Mikhail-u

12-04-2006, 07:29 PM

>The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
>bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
>condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
>pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
>pressure is to remove the testicles."
>
>Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
>for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
>hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but
>he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked
>down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He
>could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing
>store and thought, "That's what I need. . . a new suit." He entered
the
>shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
>
>The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44
>long."
>Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
>
>"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the
suit
>and it fit perfectly.
>
>As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
>new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The tailor
>eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.
>
>Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "Been in the
>business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
>
>Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How
>about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
>The tailor said, "Let's see... Size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got
you,
>I've worn a size 34 since I Was 18 years old."
>
>The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
would
>press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one
>hell of a headache."
>
>New suit - $400
>
>New shirt - $ 36
>
>New underwear - $6
>
>Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Mikhail-u

12-07-2006, 02:59 PM

The Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ?Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

Акватрель

12-08-2006, 05:47 PM

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"
:evillaugh

Outdoorsman

12-17-2006, 12:00 AM

Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between
a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor
a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach
these young boys when they visit your post?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers !

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not
one ... are you?

Nabludatel'

01-12-2007, 07:09 AM

The Husband Store:

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Монашка

01-12-2007, 07:34 AM

I have a Labrador retriever and I was buying a fifty pound bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Purina Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out all over and I-Vs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, the woman was not however. Horrified, she asked if I'd been hospitalized because I was poisoned.
I told her no, I had been sitting in the street licking my balls when a
car hit me.

Krakadil

01-15-2007, 06:09 PM

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called, "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a new face lift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years she returned to the plastic surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine." "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them."

The doctor looked closely and said "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

Шумачка

01-19-2007, 07:51 AM

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...

(This one is worth passing on.)

This one is for everyone who ..

a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid
e) is going to have
kids.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year
old daughter was having
a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she
said, "Daddy, look at
this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her tiny fingers in
my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"
pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter
was standing on the bed
staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Свинка-бу

01-20-2007, 10:05 AM

A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water. (Roosvelt)

Krakadil

01-24-2007, 08:44 PM

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar
that way. The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father". The little boy
replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that". The priest looked up
from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad
has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar
that way." The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds,"
and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly...but on
leaving the bus he leaned over and said: "Well, maybe you should wear your
pants backwards instead of your collar".

Krakadil

01-24-2007, 08:47 PM

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog
is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador
retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a
mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

Krakadil

02-02-2007, 06:10 PM

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but
when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I
hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Krakadil

02-04-2007, 08:49 PM

Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says,
"Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber
broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week." "What happened." Says
her intrigued friend. "I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was
finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

Krakadil

02-04-2007, 08:51 PM

The Four Ghosts of the White House

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.
He awakens to see George Washington standing by him
Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the
country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington
advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help
the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from
sight...

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see
the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the
country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into
the mist...

Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure
moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help
the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

Шумачка

02-08-2007, 09:56 PM

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet....

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.....

Шумачка

02-08-2007, 10:30 PM

The Boss Had to Fire Somebody

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
:grum:

Акватрель

02-09-2007, 10:41 AM

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Акватрель

02-09-2007, 02:59 PM

Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of >> nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you.
I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Krakadil

02-09-2007, 09:55 PM

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a
tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He
can't believe that he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between
her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to
the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've
taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you
sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" The woman replies, "
I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that
when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm
sorry. What are you taking for it?" "Pepper" she replies.

Krakadil

02-09-2007, 09:55 PM

The morning after their honeymoon, the wife said to her husband, "Y'know,
you're really a lousy lover!" The husband replied, "How would you know after
only 30 seconds?"

Krakadil

02-09-2007, 09:56 PM

My girlfriend is such a cheat and a liar. I've been going with her almost a
year now, and I never would have known she was married until my wife
mentioned it just the other day.

Krakadil

02-09-2007, 10:08 PM

A little old man shuffled slowly into "Kilwins", an ice cream parlor in Spanish
Springs-The Villages, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, arthritis.

John Adams

02-11-2007, 07:56 AM

"A DAY OFF"

So, you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There're 365 days per year available for work. There 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each days away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With 1 hour lunch period each day you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.
This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
We're off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!!

Krakadil

02-12-2007, 09:14 PM

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of
their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old
lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you
right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but
didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on
that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room,
light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had
in your life." The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes,
starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and
holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the
old man. "Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."

Шумачка

02-15-2007, 04:43 PM

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a
professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than
the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't
happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied.

Akela

02-16-2007, 06:31 AM

Moshe died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last
guests departed, his wife, Sarah, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Moshe would be pleased." She said.

I'm sure you're right," replied Rachel, who lowered her voice and leaned in
close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Sarah. “Fifty thousand."

No!" Rachel exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $50,000?”

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul.
The Shiva food and drinks are another $500. The rest went for the memorial
stone."

Rachel computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? OH VEH, how big is
it?!"

"FOUR and a half carats!!"

Krakadil

02-16-2007, 10:13 PM

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being
renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must
not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this
for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off
their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there
comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man,"
replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each
other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into
the room. They open the door, and a man enters. "Nice boobs," says the man.
"Where do you want these blinds?"

Krakadil

02-16-2007, 10:14 PM

What is a 6.9?

A 69 interupted by a period.

Mikhail-u

02-19-2007, 07:51 PM

This is what my friend who works for Intel just sent to me:

Mouse Balls And Mouse Ball inspector

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a
Real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on
the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it
may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic
Balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not
Usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be

used mmediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls
Is an unhappy customer."

Krakadil

02-22-2007, 07:49 PM

Пардон ежели боян.

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One
of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response
on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained
what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex
will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical,
but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby
finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the
woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the
room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I
think she choked."

madV

02-22-2007, 10:23 PM

One indian programmer says to another:
- do you know why these russian programmers call us bunnies?
- what do you mean?
- well, when they read our code, they always mutter "Your bunny wrote!"?

Krakadil

02-23-2007, 09:19 PM

Q)Why dont the Mexicans have an olympic team???

A) Because anyone who can swim and jump are already in America

Bibob3d

02-23-2007, 10:57 PM

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfus ion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Gazel

03-02-2007, 09:38 AM

KNOW THE STATE MOTTO

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
only smaller.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan
First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky , The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Honest Elections!
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.
Texas
Se Hable Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedy's
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

&

The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place

Krakadil

04-06-2007, 09:08 PM

As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept
saying,
"Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his
patients."
But another voice kept reminding him, "Howard, you are a
veterinarian."

Krakadil

04-07-2007, 10:00 PM

Несколько анекдотов про мой возраст.

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks
went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir,
sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and
in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed
back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a
ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again
carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the
husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend
glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at
her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Krakadil

04-10-2007, 10:10 PM

The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr. Black is in
the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's
invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never
take her along with me again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't
catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the
fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the
bait."

Krakadil

04-10-2007, 10:21 PM

A couple were dining out one evening, when the wife noticed a familiar face
at the restaurant's bar. "Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "I
know that guy at the bar and he has been drinking like that since I left him
seven years ago!" Her husband quickly replied, "That's silly, no one
celebrates that long?!"

Krakadil

04-13-2007, 10:50 AM

A GOOD DINNER SPOILED

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair
and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair
and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently
unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the
table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and said,
"No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Krakadil

04-13-2007, 10:57 AM

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Krakadil

04-15-2007, 07:12 PM

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot

to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the

gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man,
And decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her
and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches
in your pants"

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own

in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,
a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix in my
garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami , and a 10,000
acre
ranch in Texas .

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three

inches off.

Just send the bottle back!!!"

mermaid

05-05-2007, 12:06 AM

Before the wedding day , the groom came to the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
:grum:

Krakadil

05-17-2007, 10:47 PM

After a long night of intimacy, a young guy rolled over and was looking
around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to
worry. "Is this your husband?" "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to
him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling
away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy. The girl
replied, "That's me before the surgery."

Akela

05-24-2007, 06:58 PM

The real meaning behind Personal Ads

First the Women
•
40-Ish-48
•
Adventurer-.Has had more partners than you ever will
•
Athletic-Flat-Chested
•
Average Looking-Ugly
•
Beautiful - Pathological Liar
•
Contagious Smile - Bring your Penicillin
•
Educated - College Dropout
•
Emotionally Secure - Medicated
•
Feminist - Fat, Ball Buster
•
Free spirit - Substance User
•
Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as slut
•
Fun - Annoying
•
Gentle - Comatose
•
Good Listener - Borderline Autistic
•
New-Age - All body hair, all the time
•
Old-Fashioned - Lights Out, missionary position only
•
Open-minded - Desperate
•
Outgoing - Loud
•
Passionate - Loud
•
Poet - Depressive financially insecure
•
Professional - Real Witch
•
RedHead - Shops the Clairol section
•
Reubenesque - Grossly Fat
•
Romantic - Looks better by candle light
•
Voluptuous - Very Fat
•
Weight proportional to height - Hugely Fat
•
Wants Soulmate - One step away from stalking
•
Widow - Nagged first husband to death
•
Young at Heart - Toothless Crone
•

•
The Male side of the list
•
40-ish - 52 and looking for a 25 year old
•
Athletic - Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
•
Average Looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back
•
Educated - Will always treat you like an idiot
•
Free Spirit - Will sleep with your sister
•
Friendship First - As long as friendship involves nudity
•
Fun - Good with a remote and a Six Pack
•
Good Looking - Arrogant
•
Honest - Pathological Liar
•
Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear
•
Likes to Cuddle - Insecure, overly dependant
•
Mature - Until you get to know him
•
Open-Minded - Wants to sleep with your sister, but she's not interested
•
Physically Fit - I spend a lot of time in front of a mirror admiring myself
•
Poet - Has written on a bathroom stall
•
Spiritual - Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
•
Stable - Occasional Stalker, but never arrested
•
Thoughtful - Says "Please" when demanding Beer

Krakadil

05-30-2007, 10:06 PM

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?" She glanced at him and casually replied, "You're never
home!"

Bibob3d

06-05-2007, 02:02 AM

The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store...greeting cards

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that
you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need
it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was
only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday..
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but
wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband

Akela

06-19-2007, 08:58 PM

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to
get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the
E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, the Doctor said, 'I am afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still
beating.'

Oh, Dear God,' cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with
shock. 'What are we going to do, we've never had a Democrat in the family before!!!'

Mikhail-u

09-29-2007, 01:26 PM

This has been going around for awhile but it is still funny:

I Miss Bill Clinton

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a
show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill
Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest
thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a
check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations'
most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as
I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I
think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky
Panky between Bushes."

Mikhail-u

09-29-2007, 02:55 PM

It seems that Osama Bin Laden died a natural death and found himself walking across a celestial field. The first person to approach him was George Washington, who promptly punched him in the stomach. Dismayed by such unanticipated treatment, the illusive one walked away.

Shortly thereafter, Thomas Jefferson confronted him and summarily delivered a fierce uppercut to his bearded chin. While Osama was puzzling over this bewildering reception, Thomas Paine walked up and spat in his eye. At this point, Lin Laden cried out, "Can this really be heaven?" Patrick Henry responded before bashing him with an ivory harp, "What sort of treatment did you expect from 72 Virginians?"

Mikhail-u

11-16-2007, 02:54 PM

A left-liberal woman is leaving her multimillion dollar mansion in Beverly Hills when a poor man approaches her and cries, "Oh ma'am, I haven't eaten in three days."

To which the woman responds: "I am so envious of you; I wish I had your will
power."

sharik

11-16-2007, 03:14 PM

ок, то что это [left-wing]--это вольная интерпретация? :D

Следующий раз начни так: Hilary, being a left-liberal woman,.....

Буржуй

11-16-2007, 03:17 PM

ок, то что это [left-wing]--это вольная интерпретация? :D

Следующий раз начни так: Hilary, being a left-liberal woman,.....Hillary Clinton being a left-liberal is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments...

sharik

11-16-2007, 03:18 PM

Ха! Я на минуту задумалась сколькo их всего :)

Mikhail-u

11-16-2007, 11:24 PM

ок, то что это [left-wing]--это вольная интерпретация? :Д

А кто ещё живёт на Беверли Хиллз, шарик?

Mikhail-u

12-07-2007, 09:08 PM

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."

The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Mikhail-u

01-03-2008, 10:09 PM

COUNSELING - SOUTHERN (redneck) STYLE

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and
drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm gonna
divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over - - - - -
women like that are hard to find.'

Mikhail-u

01-30-2008, 10:04 PM

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
' What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
' Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
' That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean,
'He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand.'
' That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
' W ell,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy.
'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'

Mikhail-u

02-13-2008, 12:39 AM

Four men got together and went deer hunting. Three were avid outdoors men and the fourth was their pastor.

By and by, they saw a deer and all wanted it, so all opened fire. The deer ran a few steps and dropped over dead. Each one of the four hunters thought that he had been the one to kill the deer.

Upon examining the deer to check size of bullet holes, they could find none on the deer's body. But then one made the statement that it was the pastor that shot the deer.

"How can you tell?" asked the other outdoors men.

"Easy," said the one. "The bullet went in one ear, and out the other."

Венцель

02-14-2008, 09:56 AM

Top Secret

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6. Eventually they asked the Mossad for help.

Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply: 'Tell the President he's holding the message upside down

Буржуй

02-14-2008, 10:44 AM

Is it in?

Akela

02-19-2008, 05:28 PM

A Jewish guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says "where did you get him?"

The parrot says "In Brooklyn, they're all over the place".

Mikhail-u

02-19-2008, 08:34 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move".

"Oh", said the man, "whose clock is that?" Thats Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie".

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life".

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man. "Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan".

Mikhail-u

02-21-2008, 12:25 AM

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased
and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the
shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept
money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor
is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your
Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.

'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and
leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Vote carefully this year.

Mikhail-u

02-24-2008, 05:58 PM

A Democratic president comes to power. He immediately raises taxes, economy sharply goes down, and subsequently the budget suffers much larger deficit than before. The president asks his staff to work on the measures of increasing the Government revenue. After spending several billion dollars, the task force offers a solution:

--We have to order several thousand vast freezers and appoint one of our most creative Democratic congressmen to be a new Federal Reserve Chairman

--Well, says President, I won’t go into the technicalities since I’m just a lawyer and community organizer, but who would you recommend as a Chairman?”

--Rep. William Jefferson, - was the answer

I've just made up this story:)

Bibob3d

02-29-2008, 06:57 PM

Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier.

She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him.

He told her there were only three things he feared:

1) Osama

2) Obama

AND
3) Yo Mama

Akela

03-02-2008, 10:50 AM

Parking Lot Scam...warning to men!!!

This one caught me by surprise, although it has been going on for quite a while.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the
backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over
into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, & 24th 29th.

Also January 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, three
times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

(P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each)

Mikhail-u

03-03-2008, 02:13 PM

Can you think on your feet?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce'. As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
'No Way?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

It's all okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Mikhail-u

03-24-2008, 06:19 PM

The Pope and Hillary

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage
in front of a huge crowd.

The Senator' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.
"That was impressive. But did you know that with j ust one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her!!!

смешно

03-26-2008, 11:52 AM

Ржачка.

Tale of Two Brains Mark Gungor

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GFwa9Gt05g (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GFwa9Gt05g)

Акватрель

04-15-2008, 04:43 PM

An elderly Jewish man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother

and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so

you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of

this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until

I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs

up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
:D

Krakadil

05-15-2008, 06:10 PM

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one.

Most Wanted

05-25-2008, 04:49 PM

A man and a woman are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you are a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet today and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied: "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!!!"

"This must be a sign from God!" the woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our fortune. "

Then she hands the bottle to the man.The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police ...."

DenisBB

05-26-2008, 05:13 PM

lol

fan_ta

06-09-2008, 02:08 PM

a guy goes into a bar and orders 2 large vodkas, and sits down looking glum, the barman says "you look like your world has just ended" the guy replies "it has I have just found out my eldest son is gay" the next day the guy goes into the bar again and again orders 2 large vodkas and downs them in one, the barman says "wow man whats up today?", they guy replies "I have just found out that my youngest son is gay" the next day the guy goes in again and asks for 2 double vodkas, the barman says "jeez man doesnt anyone in your family like girls?" the guy replies "yeah my wife!!!"

fan_ta

06-09-2008, 02:20 PM

OBEDIENT WIFE

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.' And, so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away

So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.' The loyal wife replied,' Listen, I'm a God fearing woman, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Send this to every clever female you know.

Amen, sister!

fan_ta

06-09-2008, 02:32 PM

WEE JOCK
Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.'

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy."

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss.

"Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: Yes Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: " Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent:

"Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, The first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "For f**k sake where did all these English b**tarts come from?"

Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?"

Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yous on Tuesday."

Рижанка

06-20-2008, 10:10 AM

ON AN AIRPLANE

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Start it up.

3. Make sure the guy who is annoying you can see the screen.

4. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your lips like you are praying. .

5. Then hit this link!

http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

Thought this might come in handy…

sharik

06-21-2008, 12:13 AM

:grum::grum:

That’s hilarious. So often people annoy me on the plane. I’m ususally working on my laptop and people are trying to talk to me...argh...

I’m flying on Sunday so I’m going to try that. If I'm not back on forum—I'm in jail))

Fofinha

06-21-2008, 12:23 AM

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Fofinha

06-21-2008, 12:28 AM

Learn to speak Chinese

1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.............. Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man................................ Dum Fuk

5) Small horse.................. Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?.................... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here........................... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King

12) staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo

13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka

14) Your body odor is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu

15)Great..................... Fa Kin Su Pah

fan_ta

06-21-2008, 03:25 PM

BBQ rules

After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

fan_ta

06-21-2008, 03:28 PM

The boss wondered why one of his most dependable and valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hell o ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, " No ."

Surprised and still wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

Krakadil

07-24-2008, 06:52 PM

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,
'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.

Nabludatel'

07-25-2008, 08:19 AM

Learn to speak Chinese

1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.............. Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man................................ Dum Fuk

5) Small horse.................. Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?.................... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here........................... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King

12) staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo

13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu

15)Great..................... Fa Kin Su Pah
plakal

Fofinha

07-25-2008, 05:23 PM

plakal
От смеха, я надеюсь?? :) :lol:

fan_ta

07-26-2008, 05:34 PM

it was late in the week in the Garden of Eden...

God had finished making everything, Adam and Eve were sitting quietly in the Garden, when God came in, carrying an Asda bag...

"come over here you two, I've brought presents", Adam jumped up, dead excited, "aw, great, Presents - whadya got, God?" Eve smiled at him fondly.

"Well...I've got two things in here.....you might find them useful, the first thing will enable you to wee standing up,......." - Adam got dead excited and started to jump up and down, " Oh YES Lord, please God, can I have it God, can I? - can I? - can I? - please, Please, PU-LEASE???
God looked over at Eve, who sat there and watched him, "what about you Eve?" - God said - Eve replied, "Oh go on....give it him, he obviously wants it, and if it'll keep him happy, well, that's fine with me". So God gave Adam the WILLIE. Adam spent the next couple of days weeing up walls, writing his name in the sand, you know the drill......

!Well, now", said God, "That means you'll have to have what I've got left, then, Eve, doesn't it?" -
"and what's that Lord?" Eve asks God..... so God gave Eve...........
A BRAIN ..........!!!!!!!

fan_ta

07-26-2008, 05:41 PM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't
mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's
pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids
the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could
be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.
"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

fan_ta

08-06-2008, 03:11 PM

Grumpy.

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the
Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any
Dwarf Nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
Moment And answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
Of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
Answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe..”

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
Glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf
Nuns Anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my
Son, There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, Pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they Begin Chanting......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

fan_ta

08-20-2008, 08:21 AM

Update on Cinderella

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"

Акватрель

08-28-2008, 03:34 PM

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched
her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy
as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick &bring her out
of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they
would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses
run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
:34:

Акватрель

09-10-2008, 09:50 AM

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called of fender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: ' Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

fan_ta

09-11-2008, 01:36 PM

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so posties can look for them while they
deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Last night I played a blank CD at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
20. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2 on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
21. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that one
out of five enjoys it?

fan_ta

09-11-2008, 02:09 PM

4 old mischevious grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home, when an old Grandpa walked in.
One of the Grandmas yelled out saying, "we bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "there aint no way you can guess it, you old fools."
one of the Grandmas said "sure we can! just drop your pants & underpants & we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldnt do it, he dropped his pants.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "how in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinnning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

fan_ta

09-12-2008, 02:47 PM

Jewish and Chinese Pilots
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His co-pilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ‘I don’t like Chinese.’

‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the co-pilot, ‘....why not?’

‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why !’

‘No, no,’ the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.’

‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese… doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’

There’s a few minutes of silence.

‘I no rike Jews either!’ the co-pilot suddenly announces.

‘Oh yeah, why not?’ asks the captain.

‘Jews sink Titanic.’

‘What? That’s insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain, ‘It was an iceberg!’

‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah… all same.’

edik

09-12-2008, 04:20 PM

Йещиш анд Чинесе Пилотс
А плане леавес Лос Ангелес аирпорт ундер тхе цонтрол оф а Йещиш цаптаин.

Хис цо-пилот ис Чинесе. Ит’с тхе фирст тиме тхеы’ве флощн тогетхер, анд ан ащкщард силенце бетщеен тхе тщо сеемс то индицате а мутуал дислике.

Онце тхеы реач цруисинг алтитуде, тхе Йещиш цаптаин ацтиватес тхе ауто-пилот, леанс бацк ин хис сеат, анд муттерс, ‘И дон’т лике Чинесе.’

‘Но рике Чинесе?’ аскс тхе цо-пилот, ‘....щхы нот?’

‘Ёу пеопле бомбед Пеарл Харбор, тхат’с щхы !’

‘Но, но,’ тхе цо-пилот протестс, ‘Чинесе нот бомб Пеахл Хахбах! Тхат Япанесе, нот Чинесе.’

‘Япанесе, Чинесе, Виетнамесе… доесн’т маттер, ёу’ре алл алике!’

Тхере’с а фещ минутес оф силенце.

‘И но рике Йещс еитхер!’ тхе цо-пилот судденлы анноунцес.

‘Ох ыеах, щхы нот?’ аскс тхе цаптаин.

‘Йещс синк Титаниц.’

‘Щхат? Тхат’с инсане! Йещс дидн’т синк тхе Титаниц!’ ехцлаимс тхе цаптаин, ‘Ит щас ан ицеберг!’

‘Ицеберг, Голдберг, Греенберг, Росенберг ...но маттах… алл саме.’
Этот анекдот ещё старше меня...:D

Рижанка

09-16-2008, 04:08 PM

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain..do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. 'I love you!'

His wife responds:
'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. 'I love you, too.'
:evillaugh

Malishka

09-24-2008, 08:12 PM

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. The doctors were at a loss so they decided to try one last quasi-medical trick.

They went to her husband and said, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlined—no pulse, no heart rate.

The doctors ran back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure—I think maybe she choked."

fan_ta

10-10-2008, 12:19 PM

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. These are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1.. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color..

Pumpkin i s also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,

Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,

absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
Or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Рижанка

10-21-2008, 12:48 PM

After 40 years of marriage a married couple in their early 60's were
celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little
restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their
table.She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for
being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a
wish.

The Wife answered,'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - POOF! Two tickets for a private jet
to take them anywhere in the world, Passports and and reservations to
the world's most lavish hotels in the world and the number of a Swiss Bank
account with millions of dollars listed, appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment and said, 'Well, this is all very
romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than
me.'

The wife and the fairy were both deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and POOF!
The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards, should remember fairies
are female!!

справочник

10-28-2008, 07:43 AM

В помощь переводчику.

Расхожие американские фразы.

1) Can You hear me?.. -- Ты можешь меня здесь?...

2) Undressed custom model -- Голая таможенная модель

3) Manicure -- Деньги лечат

4) I`m just asking -- Я всего лишь король жоп

5) I have been there -- У меня там фасоль

6) God only knows -- Единственный нос бога

7) We are the champions -- Мы шампиньоны

8 ) You feel alright -- Ты справа всех чувствуешь

9) Bye bye baby, baby good bye -- Купи купи ребенка, ребенок хорошая покупка

10) To be or not to be -- Две пчелы или не две пчелы

11) I fell in love -- Я свалился в любовь

12) Just in case -- Только в портфеле

13) I will never give up -- Меня никогда не тошнит

14) Oh, dear -- Ах, олень.

15) I saw my honey today -- Я пилил мой мед сегодня

16) I`m going to make you mine -- Я иду копать тебе шахту

17) May God be with you -- Майская хорошая пчелка с тобой

18 ) Finnish people -- Конченые люди

19) Bad influence -- Плохая простуда

20) Phone seller -- Позвони продавцу

21) Good products -- Бог на стороне уток

22) Let`s have a party -- Давайте организуем партию

23) Watch out! -- Посмотри снаружи!

24) I know his story well -- Я знаю его исторический колодец

fan_ta

10-31-2008, 09:29 AM

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It
hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he
said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift,
and what if it's true...no
more blow jobs for
her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained
froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
skeptical and
laughed it off! .

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
may never need to perform this
less than riveting act
again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened
by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making
hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
downstairs to the
kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading
cookbooks.

'What are you two doing
at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I
can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

Шумачка

11-09-2008, 10:08 PM

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on her pillow.

Have a great day! Oh, and... woo-woo!!!

Шумачка

11-09-2008, 10:08 PM

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown...
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Lakomka

11-11-2008, 01:39 PM

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

fan_ta

11-11-2008, 04:07 PM

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, unlike
> English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
>
> 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
> 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
>
> So, a student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
>
>
> Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
> male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
> 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun..
>
>
> Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The
> men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine
> gender ('la Computadora'), because:
>
> 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
>
>
> 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
> incomprehensible to everyone else;
>
>
> 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
> later retrieval; and
>
>
> 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
> half your income on accessories for it.
>
>
> The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
> ('el computador'), because:
>
> 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
>
>
> 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
>
>
> 3 .. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
>
> but half the time they ARE the problem; and
>
>
> 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
> little longer, you could have found a better model.
>
>
> The women won.

valevsska

11-14-2008, 01:31 PM

Actual Wal-Mart Application...very funny...slight adult language and content Hope this is ok to post....I find it hysterical..and the fact that it is a real application....if inapporpriate...my apologies

WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread Actually, I'd like to be doing that now

NEAREST RELATIVE:.7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Буржуй

11-14-2008, 02:12 PM

Встречаются как-то раз три школьные подруги, решили обмыть свою встречу
- но негде. У одной муж дома, у другой свекровь, а у третьей трое
детей... Одна из них предложила распить бутылку на ближайшем кладбище -
все согласились. Хорошо выпимши и взямши по букетику цветов с могилок,
они разбрелись по домам. Наутро встречаются их мужья. Один говорит: -
Знаете мужики, моя наверное любовника завела - пришла с букетом
ромашек... Второй: - И моя тоже пришла вчера выпившая с букетом роз
Третий: - Вам хорошо мужики, у Вас хоть жены по одному любовнику
завели, а моя-то... пришла пьяная в доску, а на голове венок " ОТ БРАТВЫ

fan_ta

12-10-2008, 12:40 PM

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro
is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at Mercedes think of everything!"

справочник

12-12-2008, 05:33 PM

A store that sells new husbands opened in NYC where a woman may go to choose a husband. These are the instructions at the entrance as to how the store operates:

= You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

= There are SIX FLOORS, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

= The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT GO BACK DOWN except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. Why the f*ck you get here? This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

Floor 1 - has wives that love sex.

Floor 2 - has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.

The 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors HAVE NEVER BEEN VISITED!!!!!

Акватрель

12-15-2008, 02:18 PM

fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the

Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping To find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a

little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a Tie?
They are only $25.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I

need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not

want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am

bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about
two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you
need. Shalom!"

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your f*ck*ng brother won't let me in without a tie!'

справочник

12-19-2008, 01:47 PM

A dedicated teamster union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,
"Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Cloony

01-05-2009, 09:31 AM

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, the doctor said that he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said:'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...but I have to get Up in the morning… I have a funeral and you don't.'

UglyPretty

01-16-2009, 08:40 PM

анекдот от Вупи Голдберг

A little black boy died. He approached the Pearly Gates and St. Peter let him in. As the little black boy was wandering about, he noticed that he was growing wings. After a while he found he was able to fly. As he was flying around Heaven he came upon God. The little black boy asked God, God, am I an Angel?
God replied,No Nigger,you a Bat!!!

Акватрель

01-20-2009, 03:33 PM

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the coffee machine the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the coffee machine to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

valevsska

01-21-2009, 03:10 PM

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus, everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ............

You're listening to your IPod !

справочник

02-02-2009, 04:12 PM

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

edik

02-04-2009, 12:55 PM

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

xrum

02-05-2009, 10:20 AM

What's similar about girls and rocks? You skip the flat ones!

Хрюн Моржов

02-08-2009, 01:08 AM

Once in a while guys need to decompress the pressure, so they go to a bar, get drunk, and get kinda philosophical. I was in a bar once and a guy next to me was right in that condition. So, he turns towards me and says, "you know, my wife... she might be my better half, but my mistress - she's my better hole!"

Cheers.

Хрюн Моржов

02-08-2009, 01:11 AM

What do you call a gay dinosour? ... Megasoreass!

Cheers.

Шумачка

02-09-2009, 11:13 PM

A man enters his favorite restaurant and sit at his regular table. Looking around, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to her, knowing that if she accepts it she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and takes it over to the girl, saying, "This is from the gentleman over there", indicating to him. She regards the wine coolly for a second and decides to send a note over to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the lady.
It read: "For your information - I happen to have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

Vinn

02-26-2009, 08:50 PM

"купи козла" по-английски:

A man comes to the rabbi and complains about his life:
"I have almost no money, my wife is a shrew, and we live in a small apartment with seven unruly kids. It's messy, it's noisy, it's smelly, and I don't want to live."
The rabbi says, "Buy a goat."
"What? I just told you there's hardly room for nine people, and it's messy as it is!"
"Look, you came for advice, so I'm giving you advice. Buy a goat and come back in a month."
In a month the man comes back and he is even more depressed:
"It's gotten worse! The filthy goat breaks everything, and it stinks and makes more noise than my wife and seven kids! What should I do?"
The rabbi says, "Sell the goat."
A few days later the man returns to the rabbi, beaming with happiness:
"Life is wonderful! We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat - only the nine of us. The kids are well-behaved, the wife is agreeable - and we even have some money!"

Bibob3d

03-09-2009, 04:37 PM

LETTER FROM THE BOSS.....

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

справочник

03-28-2009, 10:35 AM

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These mostly Southern boys will be dropped into Afghanistan and will be given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. They don't celebrate Robert E. Lee's birthday.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.

Рижанка

04-09-2009, 11:20 AM

A father passing by his son's bedroom astonished to see that his bed made and everything was picked up he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad'. With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love Your Son,

John

PS Dad, none of the shit above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card. That's in my center desk drawer.
I Love you.. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Акватрель

04-27-2009, 12:42 PM

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rome went to the
local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in
the confessional, the man said, "Father .... During World War II, some
60+ years ago, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked
urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid
her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with bedroom
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger. Two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over ?''

Рижанка

04-27-2009, 01:40 PM

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Рижанка

05-12-2009, 11:30 AM

U.S. Citizen John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN PHILIPPINES) . He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN VIETNAM)..
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia )and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB .
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN KOREA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA .

fan_ta

05-12-2009, 03:54 PM

The Burglar and Jesus...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, click ed his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of th e room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rotteweiller Jesus.
__________________

michigan

05-22-2009, 09:53 AM

I was talking to the 8 year-old daughter of a friend of mine, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what's the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the grass, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, 'cause after all she's only 8. And while her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work himself, and you can just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

valevsska

06-23-2009, 03:39 PM

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought
his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit,
even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be
sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera
flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed
down even further as he drove past the area, but the
traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth
time with the same result. The fifth time he was
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in
the mail for driving without a seat belt.

valevsska

07-28-2009, 08:20 AM

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was............... I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT". This time I know I'M gonna get screwed."

Инквизитор

08-06-2009, 09:49 PM

Yiddish Humor

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. " Just answer the question." Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele."

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.
Den a Highway Patrolman came along.. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say? :grum::grum::grum:

Yura717

08-12-2009, 02:47 PM

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant! m! y tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over? I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop:
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a .m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop:
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you,
Vinnie

fan_ta

08-12-2009, 03:33 PM

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow…………….Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange ……………Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

Screw101

08-12-2009, 03:40 PM

stydent

08-12-2009, 03:52 PM

Define fart: mating call for queers

fan_ta

08-12-2009, 04:03 PM

i'm f great - ta

valevsska

08-25-2009, 11:52 AM

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable
level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode..
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Акватрель

08-27-2009, 03:19 PM

:grum: :good:

Random Thoughts of the Day:

* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

* I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

* Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk

* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

* Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

* There is a great need for sarcasm font.

* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

* I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

* A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

* Was learning cursive really necessary?

* Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

* Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

* My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

* Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

* I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

* While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.

* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

* Bad decisions make good stories

* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

* If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

* "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

* While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

* I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

* When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

* I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

* Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

* My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the h*ll do I respond to that?

* It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

* I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

:good: :grum:

Bibob3d

08-27-2009, 04:21 PM

:grum: :good:

Random Thoughts of the Day:

* Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk

* There is a great need for sarcasm font.

* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

* If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

* It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

* I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

This is sooo true :grum:

Рижанка

09-01-2009, 10:26 AM

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the
bartender who approached her im me diately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he
did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me ? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands
beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger
across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his
mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper , handsoap, or paper towels
in the ladies room

:grum:

Венцель

09-02-2009, 01:34 PM

To celebrate authorization of gay marriage in Vermont Ben&Jerry's came up with a new ice cream flavor - Hubby Hubby.
It is similar to their famous Chubby Hubby, but has twice as many nuts.

Буржуй

09-02-2009, 01:36 PM

zgorynych

09-02-2009, 09:29 PM

To celebrate authorization of gay marriage in Vermont Ben&Jerry's came up with a new ice cream flavor - Hubby Hubby.
It is similar to their famous Chubby Hubby, but has twice as many nuts.

Блин я думал это смешная хохма а реалити ещё смешнее... :grum:

http://www.yahoo.com/s/1124818

Screw101

09-02-2009, 11:01 PM

Here's one of my favorites:

"A jewish guy is walking down the streets of Belfast when he is suddenly muggged from behind and dragged down a lane. The mugger pushes a gun into his back and demands, " are u a catholic or a protestant ?" . " Please please, I'm not either, im jewish " replies the victim. "AH" says the mugger, " Then i must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast":grum:

edik

09-19-2009, 11:35 PM

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

?Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

?Man - 'No, thanks.'

?Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

?Man - 'OK, how much?'

?Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this?time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'...

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

valevsska

11-05-2009, 01:30 PM

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them.."

Spartacus

11-21-2009, 09:23 PM

quote]
Kid comes home from school and says, "mom I've got a problem"
She says, "tell me, sweetie"
He tells her that boys at school r using two words he doesnt understand. She asks him what those words r.
He goes, "Well, PUSSY and BITCH"
She explains, "Oh, thats OK baby, not a big deal. Pussy is a cat, like our Pinky, and bitch is a female dog, like our Stinky".
He thanks her and goes to visit dad, and asks him same freaking question, "Dad, boys at school r using words I dont know and I asked mom and I dont think she told me their exact meaning"
Dad says, "Son, I told u NEVER to go to mom with these matters; she cant handle them. What r the words? Shoot!"
He goes, "PUSSY and BITCH"
Dad says, "OK", and pulls out Playboy form the shelf. He takes a marker and circles the pubic area on the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside the circle is PUSSY"
Kid goes, "OK, dad, so whats a BITCH?"

"Son", dad says, "everything outside that circle".
[/quote]

Q: Have u heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A: They 're called "Pre-dick-a-mints"

A woman walked into the ladies' room and saw a man standing up using the toilet.
Shocked, she yelled, "This is just for women!"
"so is this", he replied

Q: How can u tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: One oh his fingers is clean

A husband tries his luck with his wife but she says, "Sorry, darling, but I have an appointment tomorrow with my gynecologist and I wanna stay fresh".
The husband rolls over and thinks about this for a while, then whispers to her, "Do u have a dentist's appointment tomorrow???"

Q: what do u say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A: Goes-in-tight!!!

Man: my wife's kinky. She likes sex in her ear.
Friend: Why's that???
Man: Well, everytime I try to put it in her mouth she turns her head...

Q:What grosser than gross?
A: Ten naked men running in a circle and the first one stops!

Q: How do u turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it..

Маня

12-06-2009, 12:51 AM

An 8-year-old girl went outside to find her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was probably old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her, "So, why did you ask?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

Рижанка

12-09-2009, 06:40 PM

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and
talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the
cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was
finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen
Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks
for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would
be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to
call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the
USA , the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call."

Рижанка

01-06-2010, 10:20 AM

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

Berman

01-06-2010, 10:28 AM

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Маня

01-13-2010, 08:13 PM

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION.....

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Венцель

01-27-2010, 01:20 PM

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing.

I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,
Fisherman

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught:

http://forum.russianamerica.com/f/attachment.php?attachmentid=34770&stc=1&d=1264619955

Dr. Phil: "Fisherman...Lose the wife, and keep the boat"...

Yura717

01-27-2010, 02:24 PM

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted:

"GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!" Again after a few more minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a NAVY SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold.

The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent ..... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

Венцель

04-22-2010, 03:25 PM

A YOUNG VENTRILOQUIST IS TOURING THE CLUBS AND ONE NIGHT HE'S DOING A SHOW
IN A SMALL TEXAS TOWN .
WITH HIS DUMMY ON HIS KNEE HE STARTS GOING THROUGH HIS USUAL DUMB BLONDE
JOKES.

SUDDENLY, A BLONDE WOMAN IN THE 4TH ROW STANDS ON HER CHAIR AND STARTS
SHOUTING; 'I'VE HEARD ENOUGH OF YOUR STUPID BLONDE JOKES. WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK YOU CAN STEREOTYPE WOMEN THAT WAY? WHAT DOES THE COLOR OF A WOMAN'S
HAIR HAVE TO DO WITH HER WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING? IT'S GUYS LIKE YOU WHO KEEP
WOMEN LIKE ME FROM BEING RESPECTED AT WORK AND IN THE COMMUNITY, AND FROM
REACHING OUR FULL POTENTIAL AS A PERSON. IT'S BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR KIND
CONTINUE TO PERPETUATE DISCRIMINATION AGAINST NOT ONLY BLONDES BUT WOMEN IN
GENERAL....AND ALL IN THE NAME OF HUMOR!!!'

THE EMBARRASSED VENTRILOQUIST BEGINS TO APOLOGIZE, AND THE BLONDE YELLS,
'YOU STAY OUT OF THIS! I'M TALKING TO THAT LITTLE SHIT ON YOUR KNEE!'

michigan

05-10-2010, 08:47 PM

There's three guys, a spic, a white guy and a black guy.

And they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out.
Genie says "You wish for anything you want."

So, he asks Mexican what he wants, and he goes, "I want all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie - Poof! And, all the spics are in Mexico.

And then he asks the black guy "What do you want?" And he goes "I want all my African- my nigger brothers in America to be back in Africa and happy and everything." So, genie goes poof! And all the niggers in America are in Africa.

So the genie says to the white guy "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the niggers and spics are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah."
He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."

Boondock Saints ©

michigan

05-10-2010, 09:16 PM

Dear Dr. Phil,....

Dr. Phil: "Fisherman...Lose the wife, and keep the boat"...
Continued....

Dear Dr. Phil,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom, in our bed, with a 19-years-old neighbour.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was laid off from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs Deidre Usk

Dear Deidre:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Dr. Phil

Vinn

06-27-2010, 10:20 AM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Vinn

06-27-2010, 12:05 PM

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'? She slams the door again later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina'? 'Yes' she says. The man replies: 'Good! Would you
mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

Маня

07-23-2010, 11:00 AM

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Akela

09-20-2010, 08:37 AM

"When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store
with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now.

Too many fuckin' security cameras."

Sea

09-25-2010, 04:53 AM

Funniest joke in the world:

"Last night I dreamed I was eating flannel cakes.

When I woke up the blanket was gone!"

Маня

11-05-2010, 07:08 PM

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal... You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Akela

11-18-2010, 01:41 PM

A young Arab boy asks his father:

- What is this weird hat that we are wearing?
- Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?
- It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
- These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
- Tell me papa?
- Yes my son?
- Then, why are we living in Toronto?

Akela

12-03-2010, 03:01 PM

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

Маня

12-09-2010, 11:52 AM

A little known sports fact:

The first testicular guard (Cup) was used in football in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934.

It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Akela

12-09-2010, 02:08 PM

Did you hear about the guy who had his credit card stolen but never reported it? The thief was spending less than his wife.

Akela

02-18-2011, 11:01 AM

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.

I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Akela

02-18-2011, 11:02 AM

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

Дядя Саша

03-20-2011, 11:19 AM

(из Карлина)

Say, why not become a schmuck? A licensed, practicing schmuck. Or, if you qualify, a CPS. That's right. A certified public schmuck. Y'know, it may not seem like it when you look around, but there is a shortage of schmucks in today's society. And there's big money in schmuckdom. The average schmuck today earns over thirty-four thousand dollars a year. And there are openings for schmucks in virtually every field. The government is run by schmucks. Big business is run by schmucks. And more and more, people are becoming schmucks on their own. Y'know, some guys can only manage to be schmucks on New Year's Eve, but here's your opportunity to become a full time, year round schmuck. Give us a call. Don't be a schmuck! Be a schmuck!

Fursetka

06-08-2011, 04:36 PM

There are two statues in a park; one of a
nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a
pathway for a hundred years, when one day
an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so
patient through a hundred blazing summers and
dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go
running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and
giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return,
out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes
left, would you care to do it again?”

He asks her, “Shall we?”

She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let's! But let's change
positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
you shit on its head.”
.

Bibob3d

12-02-2011, 12:21 PM

Сейчас по радио услышал прикол:
I just saw a homeless guy yelling at his shadow. That means what? 6 more weeks of recession?

Yura717

07-27-2012, 09:13 PM

When I was a student I lived with a farmer and his wife. The first day I was there, one of the chickens died and we had chicken soup for diner. The second day a sheep died
and we had lamp chops. The following day a duck died and we had roast duck. The next day the farmer died, so I decided to leave .....

fan_ta

08-01-2012, 07:45 AM

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night.
Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is a unacceptable way to describe the number 69

Yura717

09-04-2012, 12:22 AM

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Sea

09-13-2012, 10:10 AM

funny courtroom quotes

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

_____________

Yura717

12-22-2012, 05:34 PM

Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

Yura717

12-22-2012, 05:52 PM

The customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'

If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Bibob3d

02-18-2013, 06:07 PM

The T.S.A. disclosed the official Airport Screening Results:

October 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department of Homeland Security:

Terrorists Discovered 0

Transvestites 133

Hernias 1485

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 59,350

Natural Blondes 3

It was also discovered that 335 members of the Senate and Congress had no balls

Bibob3d

02-19-2013, 04:19 PM

A higgs boson walks into a catholic church, the priest says 'sorry, you aren't welcome here', the higgs boson says 'but without me, you can't have mass

A cloud of Helium walks into a bar, the barman says 'sorry, we don't serve noble gasses in here', the helium doesn't react

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar, the first orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, the third a quarter of a pint. the barman says 'you're all idiots', and pulls 2 pints

There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."

I'm a science teacher and once I asked one of my lazy students if he knew the chemical symbol for sodium. He replied, 'Na'. Lucky bastard.

Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?

Two chemists meet for the first time at a symposium. One is American, one is British.
The British chemists asks the American chemist, "So what do you do for research?"
The American responds, "Oh, I work with arsoles."
The Brit responds, "Yes, sometimes my colleagues get on my nerves also."

Why did the chicken cross the moebius strip? To get to the other... uhm...

Two copper atoms are sitting in a bar. A gold atom walks in. One of the copper atoms looks at the door and says "'Ey you, get out of here!"

Two men go into a bar at MIT. The first asks for an H2O. The second asks for an H2O too. He died.

A byte walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender gives it to him and asks: "What's the matter?" Byte replies: "Well, you know... Parity error." "Yeah, you seemed a bit off."

Wife: Honey, go to the grocery store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy 6.
Programmer Husband: OK dear.
Some time later...
Husband: I'm back. <with 6 loafs of bread>
Wife: Why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
Husband: They had eggs

A neutron saunters up to a bar and orders a drink. "How much?" He asks, to which the bartender responds "For you, no charge."

How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter unless the bulb WANTS to change.

Two atoms walk into a bar, one of them says "I think I've lost an electron!" The other one says "Are you sure?" The 1st atom then says "Yes, I'm positive!"