Коллекция анекдотов на английском

[Krakadil]

Who was the greatest inventor of all time?

God was!

He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

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The mother of a teenaged girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating SUSAN!"

[Krakadil]

A man went to the temple one day and afterward he stopped to shake the rabbi's hand. He said, "Rabbi, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said,
"Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity".

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The rabbi said, "No shit?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A couple took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," the mother replied. "The rest are for your father.

[Krakadil]

"If a man speaks and there is no woman present to hear him, is he still wrong?"

[Krakadil]

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like
Speaking English is apparently what kills you

[Krakadil]

There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews,"
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

[Krakadil]

- Name?
- Abu Dalah Sarafi.
- Sex?
- Four times a week.
- No, no, no male or female?
- Male, female... sometimes camel...

[Krakadil]

12- Pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

[Krakadil]

The First Lady's patriotic duties
What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
They both go down in the name of the president.

[Krakadil]

The fine-furniture store where I work has been in business since the 1920s. Recently I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chairs from a dining set purchased from us in the 1930s. I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager. "You'll never believe this one," I told him. "I just got a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s." Before I could finish repeating her request, he interrupted and said, "Don't tell me she hasn't received them yet!"

[Krakadil]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to

her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around,

runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the

next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts

just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok,

just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most

perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and

starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,

burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or

not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."