Jewish Humor

[Krakadil]

Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid
asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"



Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter". When the waiter came
by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"



The waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll go ask the cook". He returned
from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No sir, no Mexican Jews."



Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"



The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringo's", gave the expected
answer.



"I will check again Senor" and went back to the kitchen.



While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there
are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."



The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook says, No Mexican
Jews!"



"Are you certain?", Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no
Mexican Jews!"



"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter,



"We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews but no one
ever hear of Mexican Jews

[Krakadil]

Two elderly gentlemen in their 80's were sitting on the jetty, fishing

"Do you remember when we were on active service in W W II?"

"Sure do"

"Remember they used to give us some stuff in our tea to supress our
sexual urges?"

"Yes. It was bromide. Why so you ask?"

"I think it's beginning to work"

[Krakadil]

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day
discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says,
"Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies,
"We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks
gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says,
"But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with
what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That may be true,
but it was Italians who introduced it to women!"

[Krakadil]

In the late 1930s,Moishe Rabinowitz fled his native land of Germany, sold
all his assets, and converted all of it to gold. He then had 5 sets of solid
gold false teeth made.

Arriving in New York, the customs official questioned him as to why anybody
would have 5 sets of gold teeth.

So Moishe explained, "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes, one
for meat products and one for dairy products. But since I am kosher, I have
separate sets of teeth for each."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two
sets. How about the other three?"

Moisha then said "Vell, being a very religious Jew, I use separate dishes
for Passover, so I also have separate teeth for meat and dairy"

The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You really are a very
religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise
for Passover. But that accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the
fifth?"

"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

[Krakadil]

One day, two rabbis - one Reformed and the other Orthodox -
were discussing their respective congregations.

The Reformed rabbi asked the Orthodox leader,
"Why don't you let
the men and women of your congregation sit together,
as they do in my temple?"

The Orthodox rabbi - known for his sense of humor - replied,
"If you want to know the truth,
I don't really mind them sitting together at all. but, you see,
my sermons aren't that interesting
and I just can't have them sleeping together"

[Krakadil]

- Абрам, как жизнь?
- Плохо.
- ???????
- Моя жена спит с лордом Лестером.
- Да уж, плохо.
- Правда, я сплю с женой лорда.
- Так это ж хорошо!
- Хорошо?!? У меня от него уже двое детей!
- Да, плохо...
- Правда, и у его жены от меня двое детей.
- Но тогда вы квиты?
- Какое "квиты"? Я-то ему делаю лордов, а он мне делает евреев.


Местечковый раввин предлагает зажиточным евреям жертвовать на ремонт синагоги:
- Смотрите, как выглядит дом молитвы: стекла разбиты, пол исцарапан, вокруг грязь - настоящий бардак...
Голос из зала:
- Вот именно...
- Что вы хотите этим сказать, господин Кон?!
- Да нет, ничего. Просто я вспомнил, где оставил калоши.

[Krakadil]

> A Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds on the lottery. They immediately
> set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in
> Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth
> imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler.
>
> They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very
> British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival,
> they
> instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were
> inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some
> shopping.
>
> When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the
> butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the
> table
> for four.
>
> The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the
> Blintzes and the Knishes."

[Krakadil]

As the El Al plane landed at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the
captain announced:

"Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane is
at a complete stand-still and the seat belt signs have been turned off.
We also wish to remind you that using cell phones on board this
aircraft is strictly prohibited."

"To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that
you enjoy your stay. To those of you standing in the aisles and talking
on your cell phones, we wish you a Happy Chanukah, and welcome back
home."

[Рижанка]

- Моня, сколько будет семью восем ?
- А мы покупаем или просаем ?



Жена спрашивает мужа :
- Моня, кто такая Юлия ? Ты во сне повторял это имя.
- А , это кобыла, на которую я ставил.
- Понятно. Иди к телефону, эта кобыла звонит.


Жена провожает мужа в санаторий.
- Моня, прошу тебя, не трать деньги на то, что дома можно иметь бесплатно.


Одесский ювелирный магазин в день 8 марта.
- Я хотел бы купить подарок к празднику.
- Вам для жены или подороже ?


Муж с женой выходят из шикарного магазина.
- Фима, ты знаешь, почему я плакала ?
- Знаю, но таких денег у меня нет.

[Krakadil]

Встречаются два старых еврея.

- Ты знаешь, вчера я познакомился с
телеграфисткой, мы с ней пошли в
ресторан, потом я пригласил ее к себе
домой, и у нас все было, причем три
раза. Ты, что, мне не веришь?

- Почему же, верю. Верю, что вы пошли в
ресторан, верю, что были у тебя
дома, верю, что было три раза.

Но вот тому, что она была
телеграфисткой - не верю.

- Да, почему?!

- Потому что, когда у тебя последний раз
стоял, еще телеграфа не изобрели!!