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[Krakadil]

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,
he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh.

I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix
the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

[Krakadil]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important
their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic
woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room,
people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not
to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room,
people say 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in
silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies,
"My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hardbodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever
he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

[Mikhail-u]

Документальный образец интеллектуальной беседы.

Sunday, March 26, 2006 10:10 p.m. EST
Alec Baldwin v. Sean Hannity in Radio Donnybrook


Hollywood liberal Alec Baldwin stormed out of an in-studio radio interview Sunday night after he was confronted on the phone by radio hosts Sean Hannity and Mark Levin.

Baldwin was 30 minutes into a planned two-hour-plus sitdown with WABC Radio's Brian Whitman when Hannity called in.

The fireworks commenced almost immediately.

HANNITY: Alec, I wanted to give you an official WABC welcome considering you were supposed to come on my program last week and you didn't show up. What happened?

BALDWIN: No, I wasn't supposed to come on your program, Sean Hannity.

HANNITY: No, actually you were supposed to come on the program because a deal was made with your agent that if you were going to come on with Brian, first you'd come on with me.

BALDWIN: I wouldn't dream of coming on your program, Sean Hannity. I'm here with Brian. I'm here with a really talented broadcaster.

HANNITY: [Crosstalk] that you are, you don't tell the truth.

BALDWIN: Why would I want to come on the show with a no-talent, former construction worker hack like you?

HANNITY: Are you the guy that said of our vice president, while we're at war, while we're leading troops in harm's way - are you the reckless, third-rate Hollywood actor who said that Dick Cheney is a terrorist? Are you the guy . . .

BALDWIN: Yes I am.

HANNITY: ... who said to stone Henry Hyde to death? Are you the guy who said our president is a CIA mass murderer? I wanted you to come on the program and defend that, you gutless coward.

BALDWIN: At first I thought this was a joke. But you can hear all the acid venom spewing hatred. It is Sean Hannity. [END EXCERPT]

The exchange got even hotter when Mark Levin joined in.

LEVIN: We've only just begun - are you 40 or 50 pounds overweight now?

WHITMAN: Oh, C'mon now . . . .

HANNITY: Once and for all you need to be challenged. You want to call our vice president a terrorist - fine. You want to talk about stoning people to death, say it on my program. If you want to be irresponsible and call our president a mass murderer while he's at war leading troops in harm's way ...

BALDWIN: And what are you gonna do about it, Sean Hannity?

HANNITY: You don't have the courage to answer questions.

BALDWIN: And what are you gonna do? And what are you going to do about it, Sean Hannity. If I come on your program, what are you going to do?

LEVIN: He's going to show that you have a two digit IQ - that's what he's gonna do.

BALWIN: What are you going to do?

LEVIN: I just told you - you've got a two digit IQ.

BALDWIN: And who's that - who's your little cabin boy there with you.

LEVIN: I'm not a cabin boy, butt-boy.

BALDWIN: What are you doing there, cabin boy? ... I now dub you Sean Hannity's cabin boy.

LEVIN: And you know what you are? You're "Brokeback" Alec. [END EXCERPT]

The confrontation continued to spiral out of control, with Whitman intermittently trying to make peace and Baldwin repeatedly urging him to move on to other callers.

BALDWIN: Listen, Sean - you incredibly ignorant boob from Long Island ...

HANNITY: Oh, ouch, Alec.

BALDWIN: No, no, no, you've spoken, let me talk, Sean. Cause you've been spewing your ...

HANNITY: You're a third-rate Hollywood egomaniac.

BALDWIN: You're a no-talent, ignorant fool from Long Island. You should go back to building houses in Hempstead.

LEVIN: Why was your [former] wife [Kim Basinger] so pissed off at you, anyway?

WHITMAN: Now, c'mon guys.

BALDWIN: OK. We're done. [Gets up and leaves the studio]

WHITMAN: Come back. Come back. Alec? They're gone. Alec? Alec has walked out of the studio. Alec, please come back.

[Krakadil]

Chinese Talks

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But
what's
this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan
was
involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being
sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital
from the accident that isn't an urgent matter!
You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name

[Mikhail-u]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT


1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED
AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF
THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5 She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED
COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY
ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - she is "PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

[Mikhail-u]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID
GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL
DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes
"ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP
CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE."

[Krakadil]

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot.
Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.
______________________

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
__________________

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man.
When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch.
____________________

"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything.
You only have to remember it." ~ George Burns

[Krakadil]

There should be a happy medium between
the government running private business
and private business running the government
________________

There's a lot of interest in psychics now.
I used to be a medium,
but then I discovered Haagen-Dazs and now I'm an extra-large.
________________

Bill Clinton was playing golf last week.
When asked about his handicap,
he said, "She's doing a fine job as senator."
_________________

Undermine the entire structure of society by leaving
the pay toilet door ajar
so the next person can get in free.

[Krakadil]

In 2006 someone will figure out that the National Debt
has gotten so huge
that no one can even pronounce the number.

It will then be paid off with a 3.9% Visa Card.
________________

When I finished school, I took one of those
career aptitude tests,
and based on my verbal ability score,
they suggested I become a mime.

________________________

I'm Jewish. I don't work out.
If G-d had intended me to bend over,
he'd have put
diamonds on the floor. ~ Joan Rivers

[Krakadil]

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet,
my sister Betty rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her.
"The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested,
"you could stick him on the refrigerator.
When he falls off, you'll know".
____________________

Comcast Cable will offer "family channel"
packages to customers.
Wholesome programs will allow parents
to tell their children to either watch "what we watch,
or go play on the internet."
________________

The wife confronted her husband at the dinner table.

"Henry, I'm pretty sure you're cheating on me.
I think I know with whom;
I'm not real sure when or where;
but I definitely don't know with what."