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Krakadil
01-19-2005, 11:12 AM
Condoleezza Rice is expected to be a great advocate for the United States as Secretary of State. That's because if she could explain U.S. policy to President Bush for the last four years, then she can explain it to anybody. (Jake Novak (http://jakejakeny.blogspot.com/))


The world's largest passenger airliner was unveiled in France on Tuesday. The A380 Airbus is so large it can carry 800 Europeans -- or 555 fat Americans.
The plane is bigger than a football field. But with just 800 seats, only the 49ers would be interested in playing in one.




President Bush says he’s not going to spend more money on "programs that aren’t working." So I guess the war in Iraq is over. That’s great news. How 'bout that? (Jay Leno (http://www.nbc.com/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/index.shtml))


Prince Harry has embarrassed the royal family yet again. He showed up at a party dressed as the Jets kicker. (David Letterman (http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/))



Prince Harry is really sorry he wore that Nazi outfit, but he can't figure why everyone's so mad. He never gets any complaints when he wears his Charlie Manson pajamas. (Bill Williams ([email protected]))





CEO Scott Livengood was ousted Tuesday as head of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. He did not get any severance, but he will receive 5,833 doughnuts a month.





Richard Hatch, who became a millionaire when he won the first-ever "Survivor" TV series, has agreed to plead guilty to two counts of tax evasion. That's incredible. IRS actually watches reality shows.
If the plea bargain keeps Hatch out of prison, he really will be a survivor.





When Melania Knauss walks down the aisle Saturday to marry real estate mogul Donald Trump, she'll be wearing a sumptuous $100,000 gown by Christian Dior. She'll wear something else for the reception, in case they serve sushi and she wants to throw up.
Donald paid for the gown. I thought Donald was bankrupt. I hope Dior got cash in advance.





There is going to be a "Fear Factor" theme park. All of the food in the park will make you violently ill. So really, how different is that from any other theme park? (Craig Ferguson (http://www.cbs.com/latenight/latelate/))





Pamela Anderson announced in London Sunday that she's gotten breast implants again. The actress wanted the world to know. Two years ago Pamela Anderson had breast reduction surgery, a medical procedure that's known in Hollywood as retirement. (comedian Argus Hamilton (http://www.argushamilton.com/argus.htm))





The U.S. government is shut down so everybody can practice the inauguration. It's important. It could very well be the first thing this administration gets right.
The President is working hard practicing the Oath of Office and raising his right hand.
He said Monday, "It's haaarrrd work."





Temperatures plummeted across the eastern half of the nation Monday, with the mercury dropping to minus 54 degrees at Embarrass, Minnesota. The town was named Embarrass because every winter somebody freezes something important when they forget to wear their electric girdle.
It's the only town where you can go to Starbucks and soak your toes in a latte.





The space probe that landed on Saturn's moon, Titan, showed the surface appears to be a pale-orange landscape with a thin crust giving a squishy consistency. Skeptics immediately said it was just a close-up of Michael Jackson's nose. (Bill Williams ([email protected]))





Baltimore defensive coordinator Mike Nolan accepted the San Francisco 49ers' head coaching position Monday and began to negotiate a contract to take over the NFL's worst team. It was Nolan's lifelong dream. He always wanted to be the worst.
Don't you know his family is thrilled.





Sexy "Desperate Housewives" ruled at the Golden Globes this week. It was the fashion industry's way of reassuring the world American women still have breasts.
As if anybody ever doubted it.





"Coach Carter" topped the U.S. movie box office this weekend. It's about a high school coach who shuts down a basketball program to focus on his players' lagging education. So, obviously, it doesn't qualify as a reality show.

Krakadil
01-22-2005, 07:16 PM
Top Ten Bush Goals For His Second Term

10. Fewer idiotic remarks; more hilarious pratfalls.

9. Add mother Barbara to Mount Rushmore.

8. Combine Nebraska and Kansas into new state: Nebransas.

7. Spice up boring state dinners with tasty fish sticks!

6. Improve communication skills from poor to fair.

5. Catch up on his "Smokey And The Bandit" collection.

4. Get Ray Stevens to write some funny lyrics for "Hail To The Chief"

3. Ride every roller coaster in the country.

2. Install remote-activated button in Oval Office so he can blow stuff up right from his desk!

1. Begin vote-rigging process for Jeb's White House run in 2008.

Krakadil
01-25-2005, 03:03 PM
Kilborn


There is going to be a "Fear Factor" theme park. All of the food in the park will make you violently ill. So really, how different is that from any other theme park?

Letterman


Prince Harry has embarrassed the royal family yet again. He showed up at a party dressed as the Jets kicker.

The Golden Globes were last night. Everything went pretty good. Angelina Jolie only broke up two marriages.


Leno


I hope you all had a nice holiday. Today, of course, is Martin Luther King Day, the day we honor the legacy of Martin Luther king. We’ve come a long way. We’ve come a long way. We used to divide the country into black and white. Now we divide it into red states and blue states.



President Bush today gave a big speech honoring the life of Martin Luther King. He said, "Martin Luther King hosts my favorite show on CNN." Finally, somebody said to him, "Um, Mr. President, that’s Larry King."

Leonardo DiCaprio won for best actor in "The Aviator." At the party afterwards he was drinking so much, people actually thought he was a real pilot!

Hillary Clinton also made an appearance. I think she won for "Kill Bill"!


President Bush also told a reporter that he saw his re-election by the American people as their approval to continue the war in Iraq. You know, kind of the same way Bill Clinton felt his re-election meant to the American people they wanted him to keep cheating on Hillary.

Baseball says it will be looking more closely for unusual signs that players are on steroids. Like, for example, if Arizona starts winning.

Krakadil
03-08-2005, 07:46 PM
Урок английского (http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/%7Esivann/pub/swf/english_f-word.swf)

Krakadil
03-17-2005, 07:32 PM
I need a favor!!
My neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).
It's a Dachshund, it's house broken,
and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife
says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and
that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'. I think she is just weird !

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.
Here's a picture of the dog.











http://images9.fotki.com/v166/photos/1/164668/767368/image001-vi.jpg

Krakadil
03-21-2005, 08:11 PM
http://www.superlaugh.com/dan/dogcatsitter.jpg

Krakadil
03-21-2005, 08:14 PM
http://www.stus.com/sv/images/041103.jpg

Krakadil
03-21-2005, 08:21 PM
http://www.comics.com/editoons/fairrington/archive/images/fairrington23661850050228.gif

Krakadil
03-25-2005, 08:06 AM
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!

Love,
Jillian


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"


His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"


Broken Coffee Table $39.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . Priceless!!!

Krakadil
04-10-2005, 08:02 PM
Profane Parrot!



A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her
a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree,and
it's an absolute steal at only $20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a
result its language is a touch fruity."
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, I'm broad
minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in His new
home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman,
"F??? me, a new brothel and a new madam"
I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman Indignantly.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when
he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up,we're not prostitutes" complained the
girls, but they all see the funny side and have a
laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
Well f??? me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old
clients.
How ya doin', Steve?"
Steve collapsed ........

Krakadil
06-02-2005, 07:32 PM
HAVE YOU BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN

AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST

APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULLNAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY

WITHTHE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS

SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS

WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

HMMM,...OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED

CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. " HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1957. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

alina suarez
06-15-2005, 12:47 PM
This reportedly is an actual job application a 17 year old boy
submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and
they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
.

Krakadil
09-13-2005, 09:26 PM
People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for
health.

Never interrupt your opponent while he is making a mistake,

Always buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes. When you're not in one,
you'll be in the other.

One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't
matter which half you're in.

To be successful, live by the "postage stamp" philosophy......stick to one
thing until you get there.

Marriage is like a tourniquet; it stops your circulation.

There's at least one fool in every married couple.

Shortly after buying a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.

Krakadil
09-15-2005, 10:29 PM
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.


To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.


To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.


To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.


To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to
A premature baby.


To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.


To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.


Time waits for no one.

Krakadil
09-19-2005, 07:51 PM
Quote of the Times;
The videogame industry changed the rating of the game "Grand Theft Auto"
to 'Adults Only' under pressure from media watch groups and politicians
because the game had hidden sexual content.

Politicians felt the sex would have a negative effect on the children.
That shows you how uptight we are in this country.

Apparently a game where you're stealing cars and killing cops is okay, but
it's just the sex we don't like. ~ Jay Leno

OXYGEN
09-19-2005, 09:03 PM
15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

( And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

SpaceMarine
09-20-2005, 12:12 PM
Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
``````````````````````````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in

the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)

```````````````````

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

``````````````````````````````````
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like

Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

`````````````````````````````````

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

``````````````````````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)````````````````

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

``````````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Krakadil
09-21-2005, 08:03 PM
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver."

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
fools."

Krakadil
09-22-2005, 08:06 PM
Best bumper stickers of year 1999

a.. God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends
b.. My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
c.. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
d.. (Spotted on a passing motorcycle)
e.. If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
f.. I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now
g.. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping
h.. What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
i.. Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich
j.. Liberal Arts Major. Will Think for Food
k.. Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen
l.. Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
m.. If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen
n.. First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed
o.. In Dog Years, I'm Dead
p.. Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
q.. If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You
r.. The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard
s.. Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade
t.. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
u.. I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
v.. Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well
w.. A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night
x.. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
y.. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
z.. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
aa.. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
ab.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
ac.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
ad.. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
ae.. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
af.. I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
ag.. BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
ah.. All men are idiots... and I married their king.
ai.. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
aj.. I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what
you've got.
ak.. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
al.. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
am.. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
an.. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
ao.. Hang up and drive.
ap.. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
aq.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
ar.. NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.
as.. God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
at.. I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
au.. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
av.. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
aw.. Where there's a will..I want to be in it.
ax.. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
ay.. Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
az.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
ba.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
bb.. Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
bc.. HONK ... If You Want To See My Finger
bd.. Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
be.. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
bf.. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
bg.. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
bh.. Keep honking while I reload.
bi.. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
bj.. Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
bk.. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
bl.. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement
park.
bm.. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
bn.. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
bo.. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
bp.. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
bq.. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
br.. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
bs.. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like
that.
bt.. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
bu.. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
bv.. If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
bw.. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Krakadil
09-22-2005, 08:11 PM
Для нашего криминального друга - любителя Джорджа Карлина.


Old George Carlin's philolosophy class

a.. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
b.. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
c.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
d.. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
e.. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
f.. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
g.. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
h.. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
i.. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
j.. Is there another word for synonym?
k.. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
l.. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
m.. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
n.. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
o.. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
p.. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
q.. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
r.. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
s.. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
t.. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
u.. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
v.. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
w.. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
x.. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
y.. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
z.. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
aa.. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
ab.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
ac.. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
ad.. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
ae.. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
af.. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
ag.. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
ah.. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
ai.. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
aj.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
ak.. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
al.. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
am.. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

OXYGEN
09-23-2005, 06:59 AM
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

"How many is a Brazillion??!"

Krakadil
10-05-2005, 09:25 PM
The seven most important men in a womens life:

The doctor: - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The dentist: - who tells her to "open wide."
The milkman: - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
The hairdresser: - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The interior designer: - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker: - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose
interest!"
The primal hunter: - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"


Seems that a young man volunteered for military service
during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for
aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air
Station, skipping recruit training.
.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best
flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold
wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in
the Pacific.
.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly
shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes. Then climbing up
to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot
them all down as well.
.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended,
circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the
deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged
over to the captain.
.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very
first day?"
.
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied,
"You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"

Жалоба
10-05-2005, 11:58 PM
VODKA IS THE ANSWER

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The
solvent dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray
bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean
cloth
dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills
germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your
safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects
the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to
cleanse
the skin and tighte! n pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of
healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to
kill
them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag
and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black
eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers,
fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three
days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to
aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back
as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol
oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb
some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

16. NEVER DRINK THE STUFF - IT'LL KILL YOU!
:sfs:

Жалоба
10-06-2005, 12:01 AM
MONTANA GAL (Californians, please, don't read :angel: )
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a
>different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana and California.
>
>Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling
>potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
>
>"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
>"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of
>looking at them!"
>
>A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from
>her bag and tossing them from the window.
>
>"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Montana.
>"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking
>at them!"
>
>Inspired, the gal from Montana opened the car door and pushed the
>Californian out.
>

Leon93
10-06-2005, 01:56 AM
А чо они , калифорнийки, там делают? Там же БенДриджи на 100 кв.миль один...

Жалоба
10-06-2005, 02:45 AM
А чо они , калифорнийки, там делают? Там же БенДриджи на 100 кв.миль один... приезжают, иногда хулюганят.... а вообще их много... проездом больше... потому что у нас охотничий сезон... а у них - нет. :knopka:

Krakadil
10-08-2005, 08:57 AM
Statistics about sex:

* 70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last yearwhile
60% of female non-smokers had none.
* Women who respond to sex surveys in magazines like Cosmo may have 5 times
as many lovers as typical women.
* Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
* Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of
anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.
* Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and
receiving) than high school dropouts.
* National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.
* In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women
rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.
* Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement
oriented.
* White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to
have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The
percentage is much lower for black girls.
* Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be
twice as sexually active as women who don't.
* Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than
practicing Christians.
* Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have
had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.
* Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.
* Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get
down at roughly the same rate.
* Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they
have sex.
* White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most
receptive to anal sex.
* 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex
partner.

==> So, you know what this means?

Yup...all you guys have to go looking for: A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4
Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels
during happy hour in a swanky bar,smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo
and Barbara Cartland, and who lived with her single mom!
Shouldn't be too hard....

Krakadil
10-18-2005, 11:10 PM
WORDS WOMEN USE


FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right
and you need to shut up.


FIVE MINUTES


If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house.



NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be
on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"


GO AHEAD


This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.



LOUD SIGH


This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY


This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.


THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.



WHATEVER

It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Krakadil
10-19-2005, 09:00 PM
How To Treat a Woman:
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth
and back again for her.


How To Treat a Man:

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV !

Krakadil
10-23-2005, 10:12 PM
=============================
.
A Jewish man went to the races for the first time.
Not knowing a thing about horse racing, he went
to the paddock to take a look. He saw a rabbi
blessing one of the horses. He wrote down the
number and placed a $2 bet. Sure enough, the
horse won, and the man won $20.
.
He went down to the paddock again, and again
the rabbi was blessing another horse. He wrote
down the number, bet his $20, and again, the
horse won, earning $100.
.
This went on, race after race, until the Jewish man
had won $5000.
.
Just before the last race, he watched the rabbi
bless another horse. He bet the whole $5000,
but this time the horse came in dead last. He ran
down and yelled to the rabbi: "Why did every
horse you bless win, except the last one?
He came in dead last!"
.
The rabbi replied: "That's the problem with you
Reform Jews, you don't know the difference
between a brucha and kaddish."
.
=============================
.
brucha (blessing for good)
kaddish (memorial prayer for the dead)
.
=============================

Krakadil
10-23-2005, 10:14 PM
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a
Typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any
new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's
about average down home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas
baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!". We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the
father of that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how
much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled,
concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his, Lone Star beer, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had'm circumcised==

Krakadil
10-28-2005, 09:01 PM
MARRIAGE - A Husband's Viewpoint:

1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (A life sentence!!)

2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over the
strings are attached.

3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution. Therefore
marriage is an institution for the blind.

4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and
the woman gets her Masters.

5. Marriage requires a man to prepare 5 types of "RINGS" : The Engagement
Ring, The Wedding Ring, The SuffeRing, The EnduRing, The TortuRing.

Krakadil
10-28-2005, 09:05 PM
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys: all on different levels,
some climbing up.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.


The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second
half by our children.
-Clarence Darrow

Krakadil
10-30-2005, 09:36 PM
Once upon a time in England,
a very mean witch
was terrorizing the local population.

A committee of residents finally was
sent to a wizard to see what could be done
about the witch. The wizard gave them a potion
that would turn the witch into a statue.

The townspeople managed to put the potion
in the witch's food.When she found out
about this, she turned green with rage.
But it was too late . . and
the potion worked as expected.

The jubilant population had a celebration with
a big parade, and placed the petrified witch
in a park as a public example.

Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch
had been frozen in a position that made her
a perfect sundial,
and started using her to tell the time of day.

The custom grew and even today, people often
refer to "Mean GreenWitch Time."


/A Halloween Story/

КошЫчка
11-04-2005, 03:09 PM
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch…
AMEN
:shura:

Mikhail-u
11-04-2005, 05:17 PM
G-d said to Noach:
"In six months I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each species. Here are the blueprints for the ark. "
Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noach sat in his front yard weeping.
"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked G-d.
"Oh! Forgive me." said Noach. "I did my best, but so many things happened."
"The blueprints you gave me didn't fit the city's code and I had to change them. The city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance... The forest service required tree cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croations."
"I'm sorry, G-d, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noach looked up and said,
"G-d, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?"
"Correct. The government already has."

Krakadil
11-08-2005, 08:29 PM
The bad guys don't always wear black hats,
the good guys don't always win and
the cavalry never shows up in the nick of time!


Who wants to be the first to tell the people who publish
the Official Meetings Facility Guide
that their initials, and especially their website, OMFG.COM,
is not a good naming choice for a respectable Internet business?


The mark of the immature man
is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
while the mark of the mature man
is that he wants to live humbly for one.


My cable company bought the local hospital.

Now when you go to the ER, they say ,
"The doctor will see you
next Thursday between noon and four".

*.*

The White House today instituted a new
'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. The bad news.

It's for Supreme Court nominees.

The White House announced that the public
will not be allowed to see the memos
produced by Supreme Court nominee John Roberts
when he represented the
United States government as a lawyer.

They say this is because of the attorney-client privilege.
Here's the part I don't understand.

He was representing the United States.
That means we're the clients and he's our lawyer.

Shouldn't we be allowed to see our own notes?

*.*

Subject: Cloned dog

The Associated Press announced today that Korean scientist Hwang Woo-Suk
had successfully cloned a dog for the first time.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/science/08/03/dog.clone.ap/index.html

Said Hwang, "No big deal. It tasted just like regular dog."

SpaceMarine
11-09-2005, 08:18 AM
I am passing this "DR. PHIL EXPERIENCE" on to you
because it definitely worked for me, and we all could
be more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil
show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil
proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to
finish all the things you've started." I looked around
my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, so, before leaving the house this morning, I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White
Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a
package of Oreos, the remainder of my prescriptions
for both Prozac and Valium, the rest of a cheesecake,
some saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel!!!!!!!!

SpaceMarine
11-09-2005, 08:19 AM
Прекрасно жить в свободных Штатах
При обеспеченных харчах,
При службе, при больших зарплатах,
Автомобилях и домах!
Здесь лишь одно немного грустно:
Язык не тот. Не как в Москве.
Не говорят они по-русски,
Хоть кол теши на голове!
Но к трудностям такого сорта
Любой из нас уже привык.
Мы спикаем по-русски гордо,
Мы кипаем родной язык.
Мы соль не спилаем на раны,
Подругу киссаем взасос,
На службе ранаем программы,
Когда реквестает наш босс.
Мы дринкаем сухие вина,
Энджоем собственный уют,
Мы лихо драйваем машины,
Берем хайвей (когда дают).
Когда окюрится возможность,
Возьмем э фью денечков офф,
Махнем в апстейт по бездорожью,
В лесу напикаем грибов,
Накукаем такой закуски,
Какой не видел целый свет!
Дринкнем как следует, по-русски!
Факнем жену на склоне лет!
А то - возьмем большой вакейшен,
Допустим, парочку недель,
В Париже, в дистрикте старейшем
Себе забукаем отель.
А там - и Рим не за горами,
Мадрид, Берлин, едрена мать!
Мы будем шопать в Амстердаме!
Мы будем в Праге ланчевать!
При наших, при больших зарплатах
Нам вся Европа - по плечу!
Ах, хорошо в Юнайтед Штатах!
Эх, травеляй, куда хочу!
Аппрочает весенний вечер,
Даркеет - прямо на ходу.
Стихают речи, гаснут свечи,
И Пушкин спинает в гробу...

Монашка
11-09-2005, 09:10 AM
The husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately.

The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"



The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf."

Krakadil
11-16-2005, 08:20 PM
With the new corporate image being set up, you may find this a useful
learning tool for your marketing......

Today's business world is MARKETING. However people often ask for a
simple explanation of "Marketing," Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," - That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic
in bed," - That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
bed," - That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his
tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the
way, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I
hear you're fantastic in bed," - That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend. - That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. - That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" - That's Junk Mail.

Krakadil
01-20-2006, 09:20 PM
A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After
answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a
homosexual. The guy admitted that he was.
"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could
kill a man?"
"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take me a day or two."

Krakadil
01-20-2006, 09:38 PM
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two
fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more
Americanized would win. A year later they met. The first man said, "My son
is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my
way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?" The second man replied, "Fuck
you, towel head."

Krakadil
01-20-2006, 09:47 PM
"For those of you who aren't Jewish,
Hannukah is the celebration
of when a tiny amount of oil lasted for eight days.

Boy, sound's like a Republican's
worst nightmare, doesn't it?
A fuel-efficient device that doesn't use a lot of oil?"
~ Jay Leno

Krakadil
02-17-2006, 08:23 PM
Letterman's Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses

10. Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm

9. Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page

8. Not enough Jim Beam

7. Trying to stop the spread of bird flu

6. I love to shoot people

5. Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter

4. I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me

3. Excuse? I hit him didn't I?

2. Until Democrats approve Medicare reform,
we have to make some tough choices for the elderly

1. Made bet with Gretzgy's wife

Krakadil
02-17-2006, 08:24 PM
During an English class at Cincinnati State Technical and Community
College,
our professor asked us to write an essay
describing someone or something we cared about.

One student, obviously annoyed at the topic, immediately raised her
hand.
"What if I don't care about anyone or anything?" she asked.

Slightly take aback, my professor hesitated, then calmly asked
the student what her major was.

"Nursing," she replied.

Krakadil
02-21-2006, 09:55 PM
The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every
time Congress meets.
-Will Rogers

Krakadil
02-21-2006, 09:59 PM
Folks,

Here is something to do in retirement ................

Activities for Seniors:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went downtown and went to a shop in
Ann Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out
there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said,
"Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
Bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn tires.

So I called him a piece of stinking dog crap. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.


Personally, I didn't give a damn. I came into town by bus.


I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.


It's important at my age.

Krakadil
02-21-2006, 10:12 PM
Texas Law -

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is
considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom,
the national highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in
shooting an attorney.

The source was quoted to say " All Americans have wanted to shoot a
lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the balls to do it".

In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which
issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters,
wishing to bag a lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their
hunting license. Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps
for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually. The new
"lawyers stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long.

The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp" comes
at hefty price, sales have been brisk and it is believed it will
generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year.
Other states are considering similar hunting license stamps.

Krakadil
02-24-2006, 09:52 PM
Children who never come when called
will grow up to be doctors.
Children who come before they are called
will grow up to be lawyers
_________________

A man is now able to go across the United States
in eight hours,
four hours for flying
and four hours to get to the airport.
_____________________

It is reported that Madame de Gaulle, in bed one night, said,
"My G-d, it's cold."
To which her husband, lying stiffly by her side, replied,
"In bed, Madame, you may call me Charles.
________________

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always
go with you in the car,
in case the need should arise for them to bark violently
at "nothing" right in your ear.
_________________

People are so worried about
what they eat between Christmas and the New Year,
but they really should be worried about
what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.
____________________

Please, if you can trust one thing I say,
let it be this:
When it comes to men, deal with us as we are,
not how you'd like us to be.
____________________

The psychiatrist told him:
"Congratulations! I've cured you of your delusion."

He answered unhappily, "So what?
Yesterday I was Napoleon -- today I'm nobody."
___________________

The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out
another woman in a bar fight.
Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find
one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace.
~ Jay Leno

Krakadil
02-24-2006, 09:55 PM
NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth
at 90,000 miles a second.
What do you suppose they know that we don't?
____________________

I am a Democrat . . and every day
I pray that Dubya will enjoy good health.
Dick Cheney really scares me.
_____________________

When I was a kid, all we had to do was just sit around
and hope somebody would
invent television so we could play Nintendo.
__________________

Jake: My wife has the worst memory.

Moe: Forgets everything, eh?

Jake: No, remembers everything.
___________________
Telling lies is: a fault in a boy, an art in a lover,
an accomplishment in a bachelor
and second nature in a married man.
________________

Historians tell us about the past and
economists about the future;
thus, only the present is confusing.
____________________

Leaders are chosen to serve.
Trouble always begins
when the leader forgets this.
________________

"Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may now start
allowing wrestlers to wear pants.
Ah, great - there goes the sex appeal." - Dave Letterman

Krakadil
03-02-2006, 08:44 PM
The rich, old, dying man called his lawyer to his bedside
for the purpose of disposing of his wordly goods.

"How many children have you?" the lawyer asked.

"That, sir," said the old-timer, "will be decided by the courts
when my will is contested."

=========================

With only one clerk working the window at my local post office,
the line was moving quite slowly. As I waited,
I began to fill out my check to speed things up when
I reached the counter.
Unsure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me.

"It's the fifth," she replied.

>From the back of the line, a man suggested,
"Oh, I wouldn't write the date in just yet."

Krakadil
03-06-2006, 10:11 PM
Some goodies about Senior Citizens

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."


-----------------------------------------
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table

awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia

he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;

do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,

if something happens to me .

your mother is going to come

and live with you and your wife...."

-----------------------------------------
Eventually you will reach a point when you
stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
------------------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
Old age is when former classmates are so gray
and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh
at when you are old.
-------------------------------------------

Krakadil
03-07-2006, 08:43 PM
Warning To All Men:
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting
pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman. A date rape-drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females
to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and
is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and
in large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and
bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of
"beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are
rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will
often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to
whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often
awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night
before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At
other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings
in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in
extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this
scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory
female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you
fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering
it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can
discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner
with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest
you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

Krakadil
03-07-2006, 08:44 PM
There's a fellow who is a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an
early tee off time. He gets up early and eager, golf's all day long,
sometimes 36 holes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to
the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a
torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is
blowing 50 mph. He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and
turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather
all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses
and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispers "The weather out there is terrible." To
which she sleepily replies "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing
in that shit?"

Krakadil
03-08-2006, 09:34 PM
HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Citing concerns with the way that the gritty "Crash"
beat out favored gay cowboy movie "Brokeback Mountain", Al Gore has
called for a partial recount of Oscar ballots.

"While we respect the integrity of The Association of Motion Picture
Arts and Sciences, we find it difficult to believe that 'Brokeback'
lost," Gore said at a news conference. The film's director, Ang Lee,
shared the podium with Gore. "We are calling for a recount of all
ballots submitted by gay actors."

When asked who he was wearing, Mr. Gore affirmed that it was Armani and
unbuttoned his suit coat to show a stunning bejeweled "Big Al" tie
clip. Mr. Lee was wearing a custom design composed of Banana Republic,
Levis and Adidas.

Gore was quick to deny that this was some deep-seated psychological
attempt to replay the 2000 election debacle.

"Look, there aren't even dangling chads involved here. The Academy uses
a completely different balloting system that features what we call
'chubs'. This is much more a dangling chub issue."

Gore added, "I'm not pointing fingers here, but do you really think the
Republicans want a gay cowboy picture to win the top Oscar? I'm just
saying..."

A political insider attributed Gore's interest in the issue simply to
taste. "Al just likes gay movies. He really, really likes them."

The accounting firm responsible for tallying Academy ballots,
PricewaterhouseCoopers, declined to comment for this article. The
pussies.

Krakadil
03-09-2006, 08:42 PM
- Did you hear ?
- Someone got shot while trying to cross the border...
- Thats horrible !
- Not really, he was carrying some illegal items ...
- Drugs ?
- Yea, had 10 lbs of mariguana, 2 lbs of cocaine, A spanish speaking
parrot, a 14 year old prostitute, A book by Bill O'Reilley, and an apple...
- Yup, he deseved it...

Meanwhile, changing subject, Meedium speaks...

- You know Soponcio, being a customer service representative is really
hard...
- Why you say that ?
- Well, Because people take for granted what you do for them...
- Thats why Meedium, you shouldn't help the customer... You see, (
background music starts ) our ancestors knew that helping people was
good, they would help old people cross the street, help ladies with
their groceries bag, but eventually as time went by, they realized that
when you help someone, you get screwed over, so thats why, when we got
hired here for the first time, we made a vow to not help anyone...
- OH. interesting... so what if I WANT to help them out...
- dont...
- Does it bother you ?!?!?!?!
- ... well... um... no...

Boss came by...
- Y'all smeel that ??
- Your discontinued use of Old Spice ??
- NO, its smells like fear ...
- Oh god, boss is tripping again...
- Well no shit, the FM, Dominatrix, decided it was a hell of a good idea
to repaint the walls AGAIN, what the fuck does she think, that the walls
are like "mood rings" ???
- Hey, at least they wont be bright orange anymore...
- This could of been done during overnight hours, not while every goddam
agent is on the phone, getting high on wet paint...

Boss continued, wandering around like a lost fawn, ocaccionally jumping
up, trying to catch butterflies. I look at one of the painters, he looks
back. I've seen this guy before, I know it... He turns around and
mumbles something in Spanish to some other guy... I GOT IT !! I saw
these guys on The Migra's Most Wanted. The Migra (Mee-Gruh) is an
organization of officers that Patrol the Bordering regions of border
towns new mexico to seek illegal immigrants and play target practice,
make them slaves, or just plain old deport them. One of them goes up to
boss...

- Que onda ese ...
- What ?
- QUE ONDA GUEY ...
- Honda ?? No, I drive a Cavalier ...
- NO, pendejo, quieres mota ?

I recognize the word mota from the Discovery Channel, It means "Cannabis
Plant Cigarette", or as we US born people call it, a "joint" ( NOTE:
Arthritic people find this offensive ). "Joint" translates vaguely to
the Spanish slang "Toque", which translates vaguely to "electrical
Shock", which translates to "Electrocutacion", which translates back to
"Electrocution", which rhymes with "Execution", which occurs VERY often
in the State of Texas, which in a rare, coincidential manner, so is
"illegal immigration".

- C'man ese, entrale ...
- Alright, Ill do what you want, just dont hurt me ...

So Boss, goes with them out to the parking lot out back...

- Check-O, look, boss is going out to smoke a joint with those illegal
immigrant painters...
- ...
- Check-O ??

By the time I looked at him, he was flying outside, following Boss... By
the end of the day, people ended up with big headaches, vomiting, and
very very high. Boss came back better, he now seemes like a tame lion,
sitting at his desk, winking ocassionally, and letting out a huge laugh
here and there. Only in the Company, can we get high, legally...

Krakadil
03-09-2006, 08:50 PM
Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with
crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2
a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared
by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that
night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was
O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home,
please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip
several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at
the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the
terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks
waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son
saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I
waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy
while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet,
as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then
searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who
his Mom was.

Krakadil
03-11-2006, 03:36 PM
CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who run in front of car get tired.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
>>>
>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>>>
>>> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Krakadil
03-12-2006, 07:38 PM
CONFUSCIOUS SAY:

A girl should not marry a basketball player - he dribbles before he shoots.
A girl's best asset is her li-ability.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls can not walk!
Boy and girl who go camping together, sure to be naughty intent.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Fool climb tree to get cherry. Wise man spread limbs.
Girls who marry detectives must kiss dicks.
House without toilet is uncanny.
If you park, do not drink. Accidents cause people.
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
If lady say No, she mean Maybe; If lady say Maybe, she mean Yes; If lady says Yes, she no lady.
Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!
It takes many nails to build crib, but just one screw to fill it.
It is OK to meet girl in park, much better to park meat in girl!
Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who eats pussy does lip service.
Man who fart in church sit in own phew.
Man who finger girl having period may get caught red handed.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who has hand down woman's pants, not feeling himself today.
Man who keeps feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!
Man who lifts stones off a woman gets rocks off.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who loses key to girlfriends' apartment get no new-key!
Man who makes love to woman on a hill, have high time.
Man who makes love to woman on grass, has piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who sink into women's arms soon has arms in women's sink.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails!
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok.
Man who walk with hands in pocket, look crazy, but feel nuts.
Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.
No difference between man and mouse. Both end up in pussy.
Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.
Silk panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
Squirrels lie on rocks to crack nuts, men lie on cracks to rock nuts.
Support bacteria - it only culture some people have!
To prevent a hangover, stay drunk!
War does not determine who is right. War determines who is left.
When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say no, she mean maybe. When lady say yes, she no
lady.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Women are like New Orleans music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.
Women fake orgasm, Men fake foreplay.
Woman who fly plane upside-down have crack-up.
Woman who ride bicycle peddles ass round town.
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!

Krakadil
03-12-2006, 07:40 PM
Terrorist Update

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual
later discovered to be a public school teacher was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and
a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General
Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The
FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of
math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said.
"They desire average solutions by means and
extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
a search for absolute value. They use secret
code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have
determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there
are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest,
President Bush said, "If G-d had wanted
us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes."

Krakadil
03-15-2006, 10:09 PM
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Still smarting from the Katrina debacle, Bush
administration officials have been fanning out over the past few days
to offer assurance to Americans concerned about the possible find of
mad cow disease in the United States. CAP News has pulled together some
of their statements regarding this issue:

"Mad what?" - President Bush, Sunday as he arrived at church

"Anyone claiming that the meat supply in this country is bad is aiding
and abetting the enemy. I'm eating pot roast tonight. You think
terrorists eat pot roast, Tim? Fuck no." - Vice President Cheney,
Sunday on Meet The Press

"Screw the cow - I need to see a man about a horse." - President Bush,
Sunday following a lengthy brunch

"I think mad is a very confrontational word, Bob. We prefer to think of
them as just 'kind of angry' cows." - Scott McClellan, Monday's press
gaggle

"Do you eat the steak you want? No, you eat the steak you have." -
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Monday at a defense briefing

"Who the hell cares?" - Department of the Interior Secretary Gale
Norton, caught cleaning out her desk on Monday

"I mean, heh heh, I don't think anyone could have seen this coming." -
President Bush, Monday

"And when I say 'seen this coming,' I just meant that this is a
viralism, very tiny. Can you see viralisms? No more questions, God
bless America." - President Bush, Monday, five minutes and an animated
discussion with three cabinet members later

"We're seriously looking at Iran." - Secretary of State Condoleezza
Rice, Monday morning

"We're seriously looking at North Korea." - Secretary of State
Condoleezza Rice, Monday afternoon

"We're seriously looking at... (note: at this point in time, her spring
ran down and aides spent several minutes winding up a large key on her
back before she was able to continue) ...Syria." - Secretary of State
Condoleezza Rice, Monday evening

"Johannsie, you're doing a heck of a job." - President Bush, Tuesday as
he posed with Department of Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns in front
of a pile of pig manure in rural Maryland

"I just want to assure this committee that all meat is taste-tested at
our Guantanamo facility before it enters the US food supply." -
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Tuesday, testifying before Congress

"If it is mad, we'll just send Dick hunting with it, heh heh." -
President Bush, Tuesday as he posed with a chicken at Camp David

"I have seen this 'mad cow' video in question, and I don't think it's
mad. A little klutzy, maybe. It could just be dancing, even." - Senate
Majority Leader Bill Frist, Tuesday from the Senate floor

"Mad what?" - President Bush, Tuesday night as he left the Oval Office
for night-nights

Krakadil
03-18-2006, 04:08 PM
When we flew on MEA the pre landing announcement from the
> captain went something like
>
> "In a short while we will be landing at Rabat, if it be the will
> of Allah." Not exactly reassuring to anyone not brought up with that
> fatalistic outlook.

Krakadil
03-21-2006, 09:19 PM
Although a bright and able man, my husband is almost completely
helpless when faced with even the simplest domestic chore.

One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him that our friend, Betty
had taught her husband Frank, to cook, sew
and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened to Betty,
Frank would be able to care for himself.

Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"
After considering that possibility for a moment,
my husband said happily, "I'd move in with Frank."

Krakadil
03-21-2006, 09:21 PM
Parents are worried about the failing eyesight
of their two teenagers.

The daughter can't find anything to wear
in a closet full of clothes
and the son can't find anything good to eat
in a refrigerator full of food

Krakadil
03-21-2006, 09:26 PM
The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars,

was given by Mark Twain.

His story was that when he had listened for five minutes
to the preacher telling of the heathen,
he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars.

After ten minutes more of the sermon,
he reduced the amount
of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars.

After half an hour more of eloquence,
he cut the sum to five dollars.

At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed,
he stole two dollars.

Krakadil
03-21-2006, 09:28 PM
The 21st Century

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our religion - Creedless

Our food - Fatless

Our faith - G-Dless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Clueless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our boss - Brainless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Salary - Very less
_____________________

Krakadil
03-23-2006, 08:55 PM
I used to eat a lot of natural foods,
until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
________________

Have you ever noticed when shopping in a department store,
we think only once when buying on credit and twice when paying cash?
___________________

I'm not worried about a bullet with my name on it.
I'm worried about the thousands out there marked "Occupant."
____________________

This country is rapidly proving to be a place with two cars in every
garage,
neither of them paid for.
_____________________

Spring is wonderful. It makes you feel young enough to do
all the things you're old enough, to know you can't.
____________________

The formula for a happy marriage is the same as for living in
California:
when you find a fault, don't dwell on it.
___________________

If I begin to procrastinate today instead of tomorrow,
would that be considered self-improvement?
__________________

I sure miss the days when someone else pumped your gas
and checked your tires for you. . . .and it was even cheaper back
then.

Krakadil
03-23-2006, 08:58 PM
Sol is standing in front of a shop window in a busy
Amsterdam street with his wife Ruth.

He says, "SO you like the dress?"
"Oh Yes" she says "It is a beautiful dress".

"So you really like the dress?"
"Oh yes," says Ruth, "it is pleasure for the eye".

"Alright" says Sol, "You know what?
Tomorrow, we'll come back and you can look at it again!"
__________________

The phone rings and 80 year old Victor answers it.
"Hello," says Victor.

"Can I speak to Moshe please," says the woman caller.

"I'm sorry," says Victor,
"but you've got the wrong number."

"Are you sure?" asks the caller.

"Listen lady," says Victor,
"have I ever lied to you before?"
____________________

Krakadil
03-25-2006, 04:56 PM
During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Washington factory,
I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled. Before the
engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep
the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and
marked, "14,000 lbs." But what I found particularly interesting was
some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted
there was the warning:
"Remove before flight."

Krakadil
03-25-2006, 04:58 PM
Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,
he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh.

I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix
the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

Krakadil
03-25-2006, 10:39 PM
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important
their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic
woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room,
people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not
to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room,
people say 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in
silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies,
"My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hardbodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever
he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

Mikhail-u
03-27-2006, 02:52 PM
Документальный образец интеллектуальной беседы.

Sunday, March 26, 2006 10:10 p.m. EST
Alec Baldwin v. Sean Hannity in Radio Donnybrook


Hollywood liberal Alec Baldwin stormed out of an in-studio radio interview Sunday night after he was confronted on the phone by radio hosts Sean Hannity and Mark Levin.

Baldwin was 30 minutes into a planned two-hour-plus sitdown with WABC Radio's Brian Whitman when Hannity called in.

The fireworks commenced almost immediately.

HANNITY: Alec, I wanted to give you an official WABC welcome considering you were supposed to come on my program last week and you didn't show up. What happened?

BALDWIN: No, I wasn't supposed to come on your program, Sean Hannity.

HANNITY: No, actually you were supposed to come on the program because a deal was made with your agent that if you were going to come on with Brian, first you'd come on with me.

BALDWIN: I wouldn't dream of coming on your program, Sean Hannity. I'm here with Brian. I'm here with a really talented broadcaster.

HANNITY: [Crosstalk] that you are, you don't tell the truth.

BALDWIN: Why would I want to come on the show with a no-talent, former construction worker hack like you?

HANNITY: Are you the guy that said of our vice president, while we're at war, while we're leading troops in harm's way - are you the reckless, third-rate Hollywood actor who said that Dick Cheney is a terrorist? Are you the guy . . .

BALDWIN: Yes I am.

HANNITY: ... who said to stone Henry Hyde to death? Are you the guy who said our president is a CIA mass murderer? I wanted you to come on the program and defend that, you gutless coward.

BALDWIN: At first I thought this was a joke. But you can hear all the acid venom spewing hatred. It is Sean Hannity. [END EXCERPT]

The exchange got even hotter when Mark Levin joined in.

LEVIN: We've only just begun - are you 40 or 50 pounds overweight now?

WHITMAN: Oh, C'mon now . . . .

HANNITY: Once and for all you need to be challenged. You want to call our vice president a terrorist - fine. You want to talk about stoning people to death, say it on my program. If you want to be irresponsible and call our president a mass murderer while he's at war leading troops in harm's way ...

BALDWIN: And what are you gonna do about it, Sean Hannity?

HANNITY: You don't have the courage to answer questions.

BALDWIN: And what are you gonna do? And what are you going to do about it, Sean Hannity. If I come on your program, what are you going to do?

LEVIN: He's going to show that you have a two digit IQ - that's what he's gonna do.

BALWIN: What are you going to do?

LEVIN: I just told you - you've got a two digit IQ.

BALDWIN: And who's that - who's your little cabin boy there with you.

LEVIN: I'm not a cabin boy, butt-boy.

BALDWIN: What are you doing there, cabin boy? ... I now dub you Sean Hannity's cabin boy.

LEVIN: And you know what you are? You're "Brokeback" Alec. [END EXCERPT]

The confrontation continued to spiral out of control, with Whitman intermittently trying to make peace and Baldwin repeatedly urging him to move on to other callers.

BALDWIN: Listen, Sean - you incredibly ignorant boob from Long Island ...

HANNITY: Oh, ouch, Alec.

BALDWIN: No, no, no, you've spoken, let me talk, Sean. Cause you've been spewing your ...

HANNITY: You're a third-rate Hollywood egomaniac.

BALDWIN: You're a no-talent, ignorant fool from Long Island. You should go back to building houses in Hempstead.

LEVIN: Why was your [former] wife [Kim Basinger] so pissed off at you, anyway?

WHITMAN: Now, c'mon guys.

BALDWIN: OK. We're done. [Gets up and leaves the studio]

WHITMAN: Come back. Come back. Alec? They're gone. Alec? Alec has walked out of the studio. Alec, please come back.

Krakadil
03-27-2006, 10:48 PM
Chinese Talks

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But
what's
this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan
was
involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being
sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital
from the accident that isn't an urgent matter!
You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name

Mikhail-u
03-28-2006, 03:44 AM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT


1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED
AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF
THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5 She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED
COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY
ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - she is "PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

Mikhail-u
03-28-2006, 03:45 AM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID
GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL
DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes
"ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP
CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE."

Krakadil
03-28-2006, 09:25 PM
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot.
Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.
______________________

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
__________________

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man.
When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch.
____________________

"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything.
You only have to remember it." ~ George Burns

Krakadil
03-28-2006, 09:28 PM
There should be a happy medium between
the government running private business
and private business running the government
________________

There's a lot of interest in psychics now.
I used to be a medium,
but then I discovered Haagen-Dazs and now I'm an extra-large.
________________

Bill Clinton was playing golf last week.
When asked about his handicap,
he said, "She's doing a fine job as senator."
_________________

Undermine the entire structure of society by leaving
the pay toilet door ajar
so the next person can get in free.

Krakadil
03-28-2006, 09:31 PM
In 2006 someone will figure out that the National Debt
has gotten so huge
that no one can even pronounce the number.

It will then be paid off with a 3.9% Visa Card.
________________

When I finished school, I took one of those
career aptitude tests,
and based on my verbal ability score,
they suggested I become a mime.

________________________

I'm Jewish. I don't work out.
If G-d had intended me to bend over,
he'd have put
diamonds on the floor. ~ Joan Rivers

Krakadil
03-28-2006, 09:33 PM
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet,
my sister Betty rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her.
"The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested,
"you could stick him on the refrigerator.
When he falls off, you'll know".
____________________

Comcast Cable will offer "family channel"
packages to customers.
Wholesome programs will allow parents
to tell their children to either watch "what we watch,
or go play on the internet."
________________

The wife confronted her husband at the dinner table.

"Henry, I'm pretty sure you're cheating on me.
I think I know with whom;
I'm not real sure when or where;
but I definitely don't know with what."

Krakadil
04-04-2006, 09:25 PM
Returning home after a tour of the U.S,. an Australian aborigine
told his tribespeople about the strangest sight he had seen.

"It was called a courtroom," he said.
"And in it, one man sat silent, another was talking constantly.
And when it was over,
twelve people ignored the one who was talking
and condemned the man who hadn't said a word!"
____________________

An old guy went to his doctor and said, "Doc,
I think I'm getting senile.
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor.
"Senility is when you forget to zip down."
________________

There are three roads to ruin:
women, gambling and technology.

The most pleasant is with women,
the quickest is with gambling,
but the surest is with technology.
______________

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,
my elderly neighbor and his wife
were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old,"
the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.
_____________________

Krakadil
04-05-2006, 08:40 PM
Some choose to embrace common sense and "beliefs" that are credible.while
others choose to live in a TWILIGHT ZONE where fiction, fallacies and
foolishness prevails.

1) Muslim's "claims" that God rewards martyrs that kill infidels with 72
virgins (women martyrs get 72 pairs of shoes)

2) Some believe that human beings were placed here by aliens from another
planet or galaxy (that is what explains UFO sightings)

3) Evolutionist's "claim" that planet Earth is simply a random distribution
of molecules over billions of years (and Mount Rushmore was formed by
natural erosion)

4) Astrologist's "claim" that the Zodiac has influence over the affairs of
humanity (this explains why some become missionaries and others become
suicide bombers)

5) Hindu's "claim" that we are all recycled after death through a process of
reincarnation (this explains the inequities of life - it all depends on
what "cycle" your on)

6) Astonomist's "claim" that the universe is the result of a cosmic "big
bang" explosion (even though all other explosions ever observed has created
destruction and disorder)

7) Muslim's "claims" that Islam is the religion of peace (we will have
"peace" when ALL convert to Islam)

8) Atheist's "claim" that man and all other living creatures are the result
of "spontaneous generation" (there may be yet hope for your "pet rock")

9) New Agers "claim" that man is evolving into "gods" (obviously, some have
more evolving to do than others)

10) Scientologist's "claim" that humans descended from "gods" who gave up
their power to enter the material world of Earth (that would make our
descendants of a bunch of "fools")

the remaining 30 can be found at. www.beliefanalysis.net

Krakadil
04-05-2006, 08:53 PM
Searching for enlightenment
In the beginning there were the pages. Then the next creation came to pass and there were two links and The Creator did link the pages together and saw that the links were not broken and were alone in the net. The links were whole and complete even though they were naked and without style or script to adorn them.

And the web was formless and void, and darkness lay in the minds of the web seekers and the spirit of Godgle was moving over the surface of the net. The sun and the sisko did come together as a mosaic and there was light.



Все читать здесь http://www.siliconglen.com/news/2006/04/searching-for-enlightenment.html

Krakadil
04-22-2006, 08:24 PM
Political Humor

"We're turning our ports over to the Arabs. We can't even turn Iraq over
to
the Arabs. ... This is like putting Bill Clinton in charge at a Hooters,
it's not a good idea." --Jay Leno

"How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot a man in the face and have
that person say, 'My bad'?" --Jon Stewart, on Harry Whittington's apology
to
Cheney

"Who better to manage a seaport than people who live in the desert?" --Jay
Leno

"The United Arab Emirates says we will get our ports back if we take
Michael
Jackson back." --David Letterman

"Today was the big White House President's Day clearance sale -- all our
ports must go, no offer refused, no enemy turned down, Crazy George is
insane, come on down!" --Jay Leno

"Bush concluded his tour today with a visit to the Energy Department's
National Renewable Energy Lab in Golden, Colorado. Funny story, actually,
two weeks ago, 32 workers were laid off from the lab due to a budget
shortfall. This weekend, Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman transferred $5
million to the lab restoring the workers' jobs just in time for the
president's visit. Wow, if only the president would visit Ford." --Jon
Stewart

"More problems for the White House. Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff said
he
met with President Bush almost a dozen times, contradicting the White
House
claims that Bush didn't know him. In President Bush's defense, it was
pretty
dark inside Abramoff's back pocket." --Jay Leno

Krakadil
04-22-2006, 08:26 PM
A man who was late in paying his bills received the following note:

"Your account has been on our books for over a year.
Just want to remind you we have now carried you longer than your mother
did."

*.*

I do the gas and electric billing for a small city
in Washington State.
Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills,
which they said looked too much like junk mail
so we decided to start sending full-sized bills in envelopes.

The month before the switch,
I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change.

Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist,
"Is this some kind of joke?"
When the customer threw his bill on the desk, I saw his point.

The note was printed,
"Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"

*.*

With the Hamas victory, now Americans know
how the rest of the world felt when Bush was re-elected.


The best measure of a person's honesty isn't the income tax return.
It's the zero adjust on the bathroom scale.

Krakadil
04-22-2006, 08:27 PM
An Eskimo mother was reading to her son in their igloo,
'Little Jack Horner sat in the corner.'
The kid looked around and said, 'What's a corner.?'


You know you are now middle-aged when people
stopped saying you look good
and started saying you look good for your age.


CNN said that, after the war, there is a plan
to divide Iraq into 3 parts,
regular, premium and unleaded.


Marriage is a union. A union of heart,
a union of soul, a union of minds,
but wait 'til you have to pay those union dues.


The best time to give advice to your children
is while they're still young enough
to believe you know what you're talking about.

Krakadil
04-25-2006, 08:06 PM
A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.



This is how it manifests:



I decide to water my garden.



As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide

it needs washing.



As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch

table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.



I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.



I lay the car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage

can under the table, and notice that the can is full.



So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the

garbage first.



But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.



I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check

left.



My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house

to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.



I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke

aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is

getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep

it cold.



As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the

counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.



I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses

that I've been searching for all morning.



I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to

water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a

container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it

on the kitchen table.



I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for

the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I

decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water

the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it

spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get

some towels and wipe up the spill.



Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:



* The car isn't washed.

* The bills aren't paid.

* There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter.

* The flowers don't have enough water.

* The floor is soaked.

* There is still only one check in my check book.

* I can't find the remote.

* I can't find my glasses.

* I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

* The yard is flooded.



Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really

baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I

realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll check my e-mail.

SpaceMarine
04-26-2006, 06:10 PM
HISTORY OF MATH TEACHING IN THE UNITED STATES:



Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58.

The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and
gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking
at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to
just give me two quarters back, but she called the manager for help. While he
tried to explain the transaction to her, she just stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the following evolution in teaching
math since the 1950s:



Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit?



Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?



Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80. Did he make a profit?



Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation
of our woodlands.. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you
think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut
down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)



Teaching Math In 2005

Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la
produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

Krakadil
04-28-2006, 09:06 PM
Помните про описание социального устройства с помощью примера "две коровы"?
Вот одна из последних версий. Весьма неплохо.

Cow Political Science for Dummies......

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty
for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to
your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and
sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull,
and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm
program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then
pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce
the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You
spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top
of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a
hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of
vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count
them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count
them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over
however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send
radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed
and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The
Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants
control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in
half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes
for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown
one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote
at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one
you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real
California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold
likes the ones with the big udders.

Cherry29
04-29-2006, 02:29 AM
Mother asked her littel daughter who was reading a book:What are you reading,dear?- ..I don't know- answered the girl.You don't know?! But you were reading aloud,so you must know.I was reading aloud,Mam,but I wasn't listening...:grum:

Krakadil
05-02-2006, 08:41 PM
Society will ignore almost any form of unacceptable public behavior
except getting into the express line with two extra items.

When we hear that a doctor lost a patient,
why don't we assume that the patient got well?

God gives every bird it's food ... but he doesn't throw it into its
nest.

History repeats itself anyway . . . plagiarism saves time

The County Water Department is hiring!
Applicants must be rude and
be able to keep customers on hold for at least 45 minutes.

Utility is when you have one telephone;
Luxury is when you have two
and Paradise is when you have none.

The wife was crying as her daughter went off to college.
Her husband consoled her,
"Don't think of it as losing a daughter.
Think of it as gaining both a telephone and a bathroom."

Krakadil
05-03-2006, 10:35 PM
An old one but some may not have heard it)

Priest retirement speech

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the
parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was
delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had
stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled.

But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I
had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and
give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the
politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in
confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

Krakadil
05-04-2006, 08:15 PM
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.



Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

sweet tooth
05-04-2006, 08:55 PM
Одна моя американская знакомая как-то ехала в лифте гостиницы с мужчиной. Ну и что бы не стоять, как набрав воды в рот, сказала: "T.G.I.F.", так как это была пятница. На что мужчина ответил не задумываясь ей: "S.H.I.T." Позднее в тот же день они снова встретились в фойе гостиницы, и она опять повторила это T.G.I.F., но ответ был тем же -- S.H.I.T. Девушка в недоразумении стала объяснять ему, я, мол, к вам по-хорошему, а вы мне "shit". Мужчина заулыбался, добавив: "Sorry honey, it's Thursday".

Donat
05-04-2006, 10:29 PM
Wal-Mart Worker Finds Man Glued to Toilet
From Associated Press
May 02, 2006 8:37 PM EDT
SALISBURY, Md. - A 20-year-old was found by a Wal-Mart employee in the bathroom Sunday night after he sat down and was glued to the toilet seat.

The man, whose name was not released by police, was taken to the hospital late Sunday night, said Lt. Cheryl Rantz of the Salisbury Police Department.

"The man had gone into the bathroom and sat down," she said. "He was banging on the wall when the employee came in."

Rantz said the man was treated and released.

Donat
05-05-2006, 12:34 PM
Duck Makes Nest at Pa. Construction Site
From Associated Press
May 04, 2006 4:47 PM EDT
EDWARDSVILLE, Pa. - A mallard picked just about the worst possible place to lay her eggs: a construction site. The duck made a nest of leaves and debris alongside a former department store near Wilkes-Barre that crews are tearing down to make room for a new Lowe's home improvement center.

Christine Ellis, a hair stylist who works next door, called the state Game Commission after her daughter noticed the eggs two weeks ago. Then she told the demolition crew to leave the duck and her eggs alone.

"They're like, 'Whaddaya mean?'" Ellis said. "They weren't happy with me. I don't care. I'm an animal lover."

The nest is protected under federal and state law and cannot be moved until the eggs hatch. Since the incubation period is about 28 days, the ducklings should arrive sometime within the next two weeks.

No one knows why the duck chose that particular spot for her nest, although there is a creek running behind the property.

"It is a little strange," said Tim Conway, a Game Commission spokesman. "I don't know what goes through their minds."

Construction crews were not yet ready to tear down that section of the building, so the odd duck has not posed much of a problem. Once the eggs hatch, the hen will abandon the nest and lead her offspring to water. Until then, Conway said, gawkers should refrain from approaching the duck.

"All that activity may disrupt and disturb her to the point where she'll abandoned the nest," he said. "If people mind their own business, she'll be fine."

Donat
05-05-2006, 12:37 PM
You Move It: Woman Sets Snake on Fire
From Associated Press
May 03, 2006 8:13 PM EDT
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - After being told by her apartment complex management that it was not their responsibility to remove a snake from her porch, a woman set the reptile on fire and caused $1,000 damage to vinyl siding.

Shatavia Kearney, 19, called the Charter Landing Apartments office Sunday and asked someone to remove a snake from her porch. Police said she was told to deal with the situation herself, The Florida Times-Union reported Wednesday

So Kearney doused the snake with a flammable liquid and set it on fire, according to a police report by the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office.

In the process, the vinyl siding caught fire and was charred and melted in two places.

No one was charged and the snake got away.

Krakadil
05-06-2006, 07:29 AM
The problem with being retired is that you never know what day it is,
where you're supposed to be
or what you're supposed to be doing.
It's much like working for the federal government.


73% of Americans say that immigration is
a serious problem.
The other 27% said, 'No habla ingles.


According to experts at the National Institute of Mental Health,
depressed people die much sooner than everyone else.

Well, that's just what depressed people need to hear!
That should cheer them up!

Krakadil
05-06-2006, 07:34 AM
The time is mid December, and Norway has a new ambassador in the USA since October. The telephone rings at his office.

Good morning Mr. Ambassador, I'm from the New York Times, I wonder what
you would like for Christmas present.

The new ambassador isn't stupid. He goes strictly by the rules, so there
won't be any scandal.

Listen now, I don't want any present. A present would be seen at as a
bribe, and I won't let that happen, said the ambassador.

The next day, the phone rings again.

Good morning Mr. Ambassador, I'm from the New York Times. I'm still
interested in what you would like to have for Christmas present.

The ambassador explains why he can't take any gifts, and the conversation
ends. The next day, the New York Times journalist rings again. This time
the ambassador is quite upset.

I thought, I told you already. No presents! Then he said . . . Ok, a fruit
bowl would be nice, it really would.

Now he hopes the journalist will leave him. He is also sure, a fruit bowl
is harmless and won't cause any scandal.

Two days later, the New York Times writes.

WHAT THE AMBASSADORS WANT FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENT

Germany's ambassador wishes a stable economy in the world. France's
ambassador wants continued good East-West relations, Sweden's ambassador
wishes an end of the starvation in the third world.

Norway's ambassador wants a fruit bowl.

Donat
05-06-2006, 12:00 PM
Sex Toys Tax-Deductible in Australia
From Associated Press
May 05, 2006 5:15 PM EDT
SYDNEY, Australia - Prostitutes, strippers and lap dancers can claim tax deductions for adult toys and lingerie, officials said Friday, as the Australian Taxation Office issued a list of deductible items for the sex industry.

Condoms, lubricants, gels and oils are among a myriad of other items that these workers can claim against tax, according to a fact sheet issued on the office's Web site.

While they cannot claim deductions for fitness classes that keep them in shape, the tax office ruled they can claim the cost of dance lessons.

"You can claim the cost of replacing or repairing things like equipment, adult novelties and other apparatus used in your work," the office advises, under a section titled "tools of trade."

"This is just another one of our occupational lists that we put together to help people," a taxation office spokeswoman said on customary condition of anonymity.

Donat
05-06-2006, 04:46 PM
Bush Advises Graduates on Technology
By DEB RIECHMANN (Associated Press Writer)
From Associated Press
May 06, 2006 3:18 PM EDT
STILLWATER, Okla. - President Bush advised college graduates on Saturday to use technology but not become enslaved by it.

"Science offers the prospect of eventual cures for terrible diseases - and temptations to manipulate life and violate human dignity," Bush said during commencement exercises at Oklahoma State University. "With the Internet, you can communicate instantly with someone halfway across the world - and isolate yourself from your family and your neighbors."

The nation's young generation will wrestle to resolve these dilemmas, he said.

"My advice: Harness the promise of technology without becoming slaves to technology. My advice is that science serves the cause of humanity and not the other way around," the president said.

After the speech, some graduates said they couldn't make out clearly what Bush said because of an echo in the audio system at Boone Pickens Stadium.

Donat
05-08-2006, 01:23 PM
Boy Does Homework, Smokes Pot With Mom
By The Associated Press
From Associated Press
May 06, 2006 5:17 AM EDT

HANOVER, Pa. - A 13-year-old boy told police his mother required him to do his homework first thing when he got off the school bus, then smoked marijuana with him as a reward.

The mother said she had been smoking marijuana with her son since he was 11, usually as a reward, according to court documents.

The police interview came after officers executed a search warrant at the woman's home last weekend and seized marijuana, an array of drug paraphernalia and $600 in cash that she said belonged to a drug dealer, court documents said.

Amanda Lynn Livelsberger, 30, faces charges of marijuana possession, corruption of minors, endangering the welfare of children and possession with intent to distribute drug paraphernalia, police said.

A telephone listing for Livelsberger couldn't be found and it wasn't clear if she had an attorney.

Krakadil
05-08-2006, 07:35 PM
MARRIAGE DEFINITIONS

BACHELOR:

1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman
miserable.
2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
3) A man who never makes the same mistake once.
4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of
pursuit.
6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife
whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat
in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that
his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting,
kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices
until she doesn't do it.

HUSBAND: 1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
2) A person who is the boss of his house
and has his wife's permission to say so.

=

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits

the wife to beat the husband to the draw.

LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MISS: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
they are in the market.

MISTRESS: Something between a mister and a mattress.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's

peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

MRS.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings
and no recognition.

SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble
you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having
anything to wear at the very same time that
she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

Donat
05-09-2006, 04:03 PM
Ex-Fire Chief Accused of Setting 9 Fires
From Associated Press
May 08, 2006 10:10 PM EDT

MILAN, N.Y. - A former fire chief in the Hudson Valley was accused Monday of setting nine brush fires in the past three months. Eric Thorley, 47, who led the Milan Fire Department for five years, was charged with nine counts of arson and nine counts of reckless endangerment, according to state police.

Current fire Chief Jeffrey Galm said Thorley was "one of the last people I would ever expect to be involved."

Thorley was a founding member of the fire department and served as a volunteer from 1974 until his arrest.

Suspicious fire officials contacted state police when they noticed the fires were in similar back-road locations.

Milan is about 50 miles south of Albany.

Donat
05-10-2006, 08:59 AM
Mom Said to Help Girls Bake Ex-Lax Cookies
From Associated Press
May 09, 2006 10:27 PM EDT
SKOWHEGAN, Maine - A 43-year-old woman is charged with helping her daughter and two other teenage girls bake cookies laced with a laxative that were then given to a teacher.

Julie Hunt appeared in Skowhegan District Court on Monday and pleaded innocent to a charge of misdemeanor assault.

Hunt was arrested Friday after a police investigation into the attempted prank at Carrabec Community School in Anson that sickened four seventh- and eighth-grade children.

The cookies, which were baked with Ex-Lax, were left on the teacher's desk on April 10 with a note saying, "We made these cookies just for you, hope you enjoy them."

Donat
05-10-2006, 09:00 AM
Two Charged After Tainting Teachers' Tea
From Associated Press
May 09, 2006 8:57 PM EDT
HOT SPRINGS, Ark. - Two students were charged with insult or abuse to a teacher after allegedly putting a laxative in tea that two teachers drank before the prank was uncovered.

Harry Lee Keek and Bradley William Parham, both 18, were cited with a misdemeanor count, police said Monday. The two face a hearing May 16 in Hot Springs District Court; two others also could be charged.

The Lakeside High School seniors are accused of tampering with the tea as a prank. Two teachers drank the tea and suffered from cramps afterward.

Police Cpl. Chris Chapmond said Monday that the charge is punishable by a fine ranging from $100 to $1,500 in addition to any disciplinary action taken by school officials.

According to a police report, Parham bought the laxative and Keek shook the tea to blend it in. The two others believed to be involved will likely be cited this week, Chapmond said.

Donat
05-10-2006, 09:02 AM
Teen Says Friend Asked to Be Hit With Car
From Associated Press
May 09, 2006 8:57 PM EDT
CHESTERTON, Ind. - A 17-year-old boy who police said asked a friend to hit him with a car "for fun" was still hospitalized Tuesday with a broken leg.

Michael Morris, a junior at Chesterton High School, was in fair condition at Porter hospital, spokeswoman Robin Carlascio said.

His friend, Stephen D. Domonkos, 18, told police that Morris on Saturday night asked him to hit him with his car, something they had done before. He told police that Morris was "an adrenaline junkie."

Domonkos was driving about 25 mph when the car hit Morris, shattering the windshield, in the parking lot of a Chesterton restaurant where Domonkos works.

Domonkos was charged with felony criminal recklessness. If convicted, he could face six months to three years in jail.

"I won't do this no more," Morris of Chesterton told The Times of Munster.

Donat
05-10-2006, 09:06 AM
Store Manager Corners Robber With Scissors
From Associated Press
May 09, 2006 4:21 PM EDT
MURFREESBORO, Tenn. - The manager of a Christian bookstore chased a would-be robber with a pair of scissors and cornered him until authorities arrived, Murfreesboro police said.

Tim Davis was working alone Saturday afternoon at his family-owned Salt and Pepper Christian Store when a robber showed him a note demanding money and claiming he had a gun hidden under a folded newspaper, according to police reports.

Davis said Monday he didn't believe the robber had a gun because the newspaper was too thin.

"I am a peaceful man, but I am not passive," Davis said. "I work way too hard for someone to take it from me."

Instead of handing over the cash that was in the register, Davis said, "I don't think so," and grabbed a pair of scissors from under the counter.

Davis said that he even considered stabbing the man with his scissors if he made an aggressive move but realized he might be arrested himself.

Donat
05-12-2006, 11:43 AM
More Than 60 Dead Cats Found in Conn. Home
From Associated Press
May 11, 2006 10:06 PM EDT
WESTBROOK, Conn. - Animal control officers and state police removed more than 60 dead cats from a woman's home Thursday and rescued nearly 60 others and a dog while responding to an anonymous complaint.

State police said 58 of the dead cats were found wrapped in paper towels in a freezer. Several other carcasses were found throughout the house.

State police said they had an arrest warrant charging the woman with animal cruelty. A neighbor said the woman was out of the country on vacation.

Someone called police Wednesday night to report a dead cat in the driveway of the house off Boston Post Road. Authorities who responded immediately noticed a foul smell on the property and later got a search warrant for the home, state police said.

Of the cats found alive, sick ones were taken to veterinarians and others were seized by animal control officers.

The name of the woman who lives at the house was not released.

State police said it was unclear why cats were placed in the freezer. Authorities said it appeared the surviving cats were being fed and given water, but conditions were deplorable because of feces and urine.

Donat
05-12-2006, 11:45 AM
Workers Take 227 Animals From Calif. Home
From Associated Press
May 11, 2006 10:01 PM EDT
HESPERIA, Calif. - Workers wearing gas masks removed 227 animals that were in "deplorable" condition from a home that reeked of urine, authorities said.

The final tally included 98 guinea pigs, 84 cats, 27 dogs, 14 rabbits, 3 potbellied pigs and 1 bird, Code Compliance Supervisor Tony Genovesi said Wednesday.

Two of the pigs had such severely injured hooves that they had turned them in and were walking on a higher point on their legs, officials said.

"I'm surprised they're not all sick with upper respiratory infections because they're breathing straight ammonia," said Susan Bradley, a kennel technician with the animal control department.

Hesperia homeowners are allowed to keep six cats, six dogs and 65 cage animals, Genovesi said. All of the animals were removed from the home because of the bad health conditions, he said.

The residents will get back the ones they're allowed to own once the home is fit for their habitation, he said.

It was unclear why the residents kept so many animals.

A person at the home declined to comment to the Victorville Daily Press.

Officials said they learned of the conditions at the home on Friday, when they served an unrelated warrant on a residence across the street.

Authorities previously visited the home in August 2004 and removed dozens of animals, Genovesi said.

Donat
05-12-2006, 11:47 AM
Man Arrested After Taking Pot Plant Photos
From Associated Press
May 11, 2006 8:38 PM EDT
STATESBORO, Ga. - An east Georgia man landed in jail after photographing his healthy plants and going to local drug store to have the pictures developed.

His bumper crop was marijuana, according to police, who arrested him as he went to pick the photos up.

Statesboro Police Capt. L. C. Williams said Byron Charles Mattheeussen, 21, was charged Tuesday with manufacturing marijuana, manufacturing marijuana within 1,000 feet of a housing project, and possession of drug related objects.

Williams said a photo lab technician called police after seeing the subject of the photos. Officers confirmed the plants in the pictures were marijuana, he said.

After getting a search warrant, he said, police found 42 suspected marijuana plants growing in and around the residence, along with tools, literature on growing marijuana and pot-smoking paraphernalia.

Mattheeussen was taken to the Bulloch County Jail and issued an $8,000 property bond.

Donat
05-12-2006, 11:50 AM
'Paraplegic' Leaps From Wheelchair, Flees
From Associated Press
May 11, 2006 8:34 PM EDT
SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. - Authorities said a woman who claimed she was a paraplegic and repeatedly filed claims and lawsuits for noncompliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act was a con artist without any physical limitations.

After her arrest this month by Las Vegas police, Laura Lee Medley, 35, leaped from her wheelchair and ran for freedom, officials said.

Complaining earlier that she was having medical problems, police took the woman to a Las Vegas hospital for treatment, said David Wert, spokesman for San Bernardino County.

"That's where the great miracle occurred," he said. Medley "made a break for it," leading police on a brief foot pursuit before she was captured, Wert said.

Medley's claims against public entities - including San Bernardino County, South Pasadena and Long Beach - claimed a bus dropped her off near what she called a non-ADA compliant roadway or curb, causing her wheelchair to topple. She claimed three broken arms in eight weeks - two lefts and a right.

South Pasadena settled Medley's claim for $6,700 on Oct. 18, 2005.

Her questionable claims led to last week's arrest in Las Vegas.

Medley was charged with filing false documents, attempted grand theft and two counts of insurance fraud. She is in a Las Vegas jail awaiting extradition to San Bernardino.

Medley's alleged deception was discovered by San Bernardino County officials after she filed a complaint saying she fell and broke her left arm on Oct. 17, 2005.

County lawyer Mike Sachs said Medley called him in December to complain about treatment she was receiving from county employees. Medley claimed she was an ADA compliance expert and she threatened to organize a protest march, Sachs said.

"She was a very pushy lady, and anytime she wasn't happy with a response she was getting from someone at the county, she would try to go to the next highest person," Sachs said.

On Feb. 4, she filed a claim for $9,072 in medical expenses and lost wages. Medley then produced hospital medical records, documents that repeatedly misspelled Bernardino as Bernadino.

The hospital confirmed the documents were bogus.

Sachs said they learned Medley filed a nearly identical wheelchair-toppling claim seeking $5,200 from Long Beach. The claim was denied because the sidewalk was wheelchair accessible, Long Beach Deputy City Attorney Belinda Mayes said.

Medley then filed a federal lawsuit April 4 against Long Beach. That U.S. District Court suit is still pending and Mayes declined comment.

Donat
05-12-2006, 11:51 AM
Cop Accused of Taser Mishap at Roll Call
From Associated Press
May 11, 2006 8:28 PM EDT
EAST WINDSOR, Conn. - A police officer was arrested Wednesday on allegations he accidentally fired his Taser gun and injured another officer at the police department this week.

Officer John Scavotto was charged with reckless endangerment and third-degree assault. He was released on $2,500 bond and is to be arraigned Thursday at Enfield Superior Court.

The injured officer, who was not named, was struck in the mouth and neck area by the Taser's two darts, which deliver electricial charges. He was treated and released from Hartford Hospital and is expected to return to work Monday, police said.

Chief Edward J. DeMarco Jr. said the accident happened during a roll call Monday afternoon. Police said Scavotto pointed the Taser at the other officer and it accidentally discharged.

Scavotto, an 18-year veteran of the force, has been placed on paid leave pending the criminal investigation and an internal affairs review, police said. The injured officer has been with the department for four years.

Krakadil
05-20-2006, 10:34 PM
Уж не знаю если это смешно. Скорее печально. Местный дебилизм.

I have just learned of a weird law in Blackjack, Missouri: More than 3
people can't live in a house unless they are related by blood or
marriage, so an unmarried couple with 3 kids has been threatened with
eviction unless they marry!

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/05/17/unmarried.ap/index.html

Donat
05-20-2006, 10:38 PM
Woman Gets 'DO NOT RESUSCITATE' Tattoo
From Associated Press
May 18, 2006 6:27 PM EDT
DECORAH, Iowa - Mary Wohlford has made it perfectly clear what her final wishes are: it's written in ink - on her chest. Wohlford, 80, had the words "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed on her chest in February.

Wohlford hopes she's made her wishes perfectly clear should she become incapacitated. She also has a living will hanging on the side of her refrigerator.

"People might think I'm crazy, but that's OK," she said. "Sometimes the nuttiest ideas are the most advanced."

But Wohlford's decision to have her final wishes imprinted on her chest have raised some legal issues.

Some medical and legal experts doubt that Wohlford's tattoo would be binding in the emergency room or in court. But they give her credit for originality.

"I'll be darned," said Bob Cowie, a Decorah lawyer and chairman of the Iowa Bar Association's probate and trust law section.

"There are easier ways to do it than that," said Cowie, who suggested people sign a living will or authorize a medical power of attorney.

Wohlford said she knows some people might find the tattoo amusing. But she said her motive is serious.

"This is a modern day and age," she said. "You have to advance with the times. We never even had a living will 20 years ago. Now I think we've got to go to the next step."

So, will Wohlford's tattoo stop an Iowa doctor from resuscitating her? No, said Dr. Mark Purtle, who works at Iowa Methodist Medical Center in Des Moines.

Purtle said Iowa law defines when caregivers are permitted to end life-sustaining measures. A tattoo isn't enough, he said.

He recommended a living will or an advanced directive, with a copy placed in the patient's medical charge. He also said people should discuss their wishes with family members.

Donat
05-20-2006, 10:40 PM
Man Tries to Sell Rembrandt Etching at Bar
From Associated Press
May 18, 2006 5:40 PM EDT

BROKEN ARROW, Okla. - Police arrested a man after he allegedly tried to sell a valuable Rembrandt etching at a bar. James Otis Denham, 49, was arrested Tuesday after authorities say he tried to sell the 1630 etching titled "The Raising of Lazarus," valued at about $6,000.

The owner's name was still on a document authenticating the Dutch master's artwork.

"At least he was stupid, and I got it back," said Barbara Dorney of Broken Arrow, who arrived home Monday to find her prized possession gone.

Denham later met an art collector at Torchy's Legends bar and showed her the etching, police said.

The art collector asked to keep the paperwork and found out the etching was stolen when she called Dorney to double-check its authenticity, Sgt. J.D. Martin said.

Police arrested Denham on Tuesday afternoon as he was arriving at the art collector's house.

"We're going to have to develop a fine-arts group within the department," Martin said.

Denham remained in the Broken Arrow Jail Thursday on a complaint of knowingly concealing stolen property.

Donat
05-20-2006, 10:44 PM
Thief Steals Calif. Homeowner's Front Yard
From Associated Press
May 17, 2006 3:14 PM EDT
ADELANTO, California - It was a sod story for a Mojave Desert homeowner whose entire front yard - grass, bushes and sprinklers - was hauled away by a thief.

The homeowner telephoned law officials to report the yard in front of his under-construction home on was gone, a sheriff's spokeswoman Staci Johnson said Tuesday.

Witnesses told the homeowner they saw the thief taking the sod, plants and irrigation system to a nearby residence, Johnson said.

David Roger Bowers, 34, was arrested at the home and booked for investigation of grand theft and possession of stolen property, the sheriff's spokeswoman said.

The landscaping materials were returned to the victim.

Donat
05-20-2006, 10:46 PM
Homeless Foot-Licker Charged in Calif.
From Associated Press
May 16, 2006 10:04 PM EDT
SANTA ANA, Calif. - A homeless Orange County man who allegedly licked the feet of five boys after promising to cast them in a television commercial has been charged with lewd conduct, officials said Tuesday.

Steven Michael Jones, 43, will be arraigned in Newport Beach Friday, said Sheriff's Department Spokesman Jim Amormino.

Jones, of San Clemente, was charged with five felony counts of lewd acts with a child and one misdemeanor of child annoyance, Amormino said. All the victims were under 14.

If convicted on all counts, Jones faces 16 years in prison.

Sheriff's deputies arrested Jones April 14 near the shore in San Clemente. Witnesses told authorities Jones was wearing a suit the day before when he approached three boys sitting on a bench, Amormino said.

"It's unusual for someone to wear a suit to the beach," Amormino said.

The boys had just come off the beach and were not wearing shoes. Jones allegedly promised them a part in a Johnson & Johnson television commercial, telling them he first needed to inspect their feet, Amormino said.

"He allegedly licked the bottom of one of the boys' feet. The other two boys ran away," Amormino said.

Jones allegedly used a similar ruse March 28 on four boys near Dana Point Library. He said he'd pay them $1,500 to appear in a commercial, but first had to inspect their feet, Amormino said. Jones allegedly licked the feet of all four boys, Amormino said.

Jones was being held on $115,000 bail.

Krakadil
05-21-2006, 08:19 PM
The Department of Homeland Security
announced they will be ready
to deal with hurricanes in the future.

Like today, they called their cable company
and ordered the weather channel."
_______________

How come immigration has become a bigger issue
than the mismanaged war in Iraq,
the nuclear threat in Iran, energy independence, health care
and an environment that kills
more people every year than were lost on 9/11?
_____________________

Following the birth of our daughter, the nurse told me
that I would have to take it easy
so for the next six weeks, "You can't do any lifting,
swimming, driving, sex. . . ."

I stopped her there. "I can't drive for how long?"
__________________

Our forefathers did without sugar until the 13th century,
without coal fires until the 14th,
without buttered bread until the 16th,
without tea or soup until the 17th,
without gas, matches or electricity until the 20th.
________________________

Krakadil
05-21-2006, 08:25 PM
Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted
and published every day,
like those of a baseball player.
________________

With all the scientific research going on,
I'd like to find one scientist
who can tell us when mosquitoes sleep!
_______________

It must be an election year:
Congress wants to tax
oil companies and give consumers rebates.
_________________

I finally get enough points on my Kroger card
to get the 10-cents-per-gallon discount
and wouldn't you know, they raise the price 12 cents.
_________________

A child, of course, is truly a miracle:
a creature who knows
all the questions at eight, and all the answers at eighteen.
________________

A dog saw somebody putting money into
a parking meter and reported
to the other dogs, "They're putting in pay toilets!"
_____________________

Home computers are the perfect thing
for women who don't feel
that men provide them with enough frustration.
___________________

Krakadil
05-23-2006, 08:48 PM
pResident Bush has told Americans they're not getting the whole truth
from the "mainstream media" so we recommend a night of FAUX news to
tell you all the stories everyone else won't cover:

6:30 Today in Potemkin province, no one was killed by an insurgent. No
one was killed by any insurgents in several provinces today. Almost all
American soldiers in Iraq are still alive and believe Saddam caused
9-11. Plus reconstruction in this province has just put a brick wall on
three sides of a future hospital, it's nothing but progress here.

6:35 Well that looks like a lot of progress in Iraq, we've been
reporting the real news, it's getting better every day, so ignore
anything else you hear. As a matter of fact many Americans are thinking
of moving to Iraq. Any country that can sustain constant improvement
for over three years will soon be the best place to live on earth. 467
billion dollars certainly does buy you something!

6:40 Today the Chaldean Christians and the Assryian rite Christians are
not at war with each other. Yet more proof from us that Iraq is not
breaking down into sectarian violence. Next week we'll look at the
Buddhists and the Jews.

6:45 Saddam's on trial! No really, that rat bastard who bombed us on
9-11 is on trial! The one with nuclear weapons! Well he did some bad
things that's for sure, doesn't he look evil? You have to admit he's
not a nice guy. He's on trial!

6:50 In other news, three years of training has produced thousands of
police officers, 15% of whom have not left to join sectarian militias
and 2% of whom will not accept bribes. Law and order are the wave of
the future with these super cops on the beat.

6:55 By refusing to define drowning as a form of torture, the US
government has drastically reduced the amount of torture commited by US
forces. Turns out it's just a little watersport for the poor thirsty
camel drivers.

6:57 A new government has been approved by the United States and will
be allowed to govern until they displease the American military. So the
sweet breath of freedom now covers this independent land. And hey, the
NSA isn't monitoring their calls so that's a plus.

6:59 That's all for FAUX News, we bring you the good news the other
networks wouldn't dare. So remember our motto: Just Pretend
Everything's OK - Or Else!

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Krakadil
05-23-2006, 09:02 PM
INTERESTING...




This was forwarded to me by one of by colleagues!

ARE YOU SICK OF THOSE HIGH PAID TEACHERS?
"I, for one, am sick and tired of those high paid teachers. Their hefty
salaries are driving up taxes and they only work nine or ten months a year!
It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they
do...baby-sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right...I
would give them $3.00 dollars an hour and only the hours

they worked, not any of that silly planning time. That would be 15 dollars a
day. Each parent should pay 15 dollars a day for these teachers to baby-sit
their children. Now, how many do they teach in a day...maybe 25. Then
that's 15 x 25= $375 a day. But remember they only work 180 days a year!
I'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see...that's 375 x 180=
$67,500.00 (Hold on, my calculator must need batteries!) What about those
special teachers or ones with master's degrees? Well, we could pay them
minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6.00 an hour. That
would be $6 times 5 hours times 25 children times 180 days = $135,000.00 per
year. Wait a minute, there is something wrong here!!! (There sure is!)


Make a teacher smile, send this to him or her."
P.S. Sorry to the English teachers for the grammatical and punctuation
errors, I typed it as it was printed.

Krakadil
06-13-2006, 08:16 PM
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy. He added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

Krakadil
06-13-2006, 08:38 PM
HE SAID/SHE SAID

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said....Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said....It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

He said....Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said...That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

Krakadil
06-20-2006, 07:45 PM
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't
appear to realise that you had set it free...
You either married it or gave birth to it!

Krakadil
06-21-2006, 07:28 PM
A for arthritis,

B for bad back,

C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention

G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)



H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low)

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, that now fail to flex

L for libido--what happened to sex?

Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent

(Please forgive me, my

Memory ain't worth a cent)

N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck



O is for osteo-and all bones that crack

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?

R is for reflux--one meal turns into two

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears



T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears

U is for urinary: difficulties with flow

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.

W is worry, now what's going 'round?

X is for X ray--and what might be found.

Y for another year I've left behind

Z is for zest that I still have my mind,



Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,

And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

Krakadil
06-22-2006, 08:50 PM
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying
on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right
now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

Krakadil
07-02-2006, 05:59 AM
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch. Then, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove.
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes
the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

Krakadil
07-04-2006, 08:11 PM
AP News Service, Mexico City --

A tremendous earthquake, measuring 8.1 on the Richter scale
has hit Mexico, with epicenter near Guadalajara, which lies
near the Sierra Madre Occidental. An estimated two million
Mexicans have died and over a million are believed to be
injured. The estimated property damage is in the billions of
dollars and untold numbers are left homeless. At a press
conference earlier today Mexican President Vicente Fox has
asked world leaders for any help they can give. Canada is
sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies to
temporary shelters set up by the Red Cross. The European
community is sending food and money. The United States is
sending two million replacement Mexicans.

Krakadil
07-05-2006, 09:36 PM
Excuse Notes


a.. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

b.. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.

c.. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, and also 33.

d.. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell
out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

e.. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his
face.

f.. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He
was hurt in the growing part.

g.. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)
(dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]

h.. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

i.. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
I don't know what size she wears.

j.. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we
thought it was Sunday.

k.. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.

Krakadil
07-05-2006, 09:38 PM
Posh Spice decided to help to benefit the community and began a job as
a primary school counselor. One day during break time she noticed a boy
standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of
the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other end.

Knowing a little bit about football through her marriage she decided to
have a conversation with him so she approached and asked if he was OK,
in the knowledge that if he wasn't she could talk to him about the game.
The boy said he was fine.

A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was in the same spot,
still by himself, watching the game. Approaching again, Victoria said,
"Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said,
"Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, She then asked, "Why are you standing
here alone?" "Because..." the little boy said with great exasperation

Krakadil
07-09-2006, 10:10 PM
A budget is a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions

The new "Einstein Burger" is relatively good.

Integrity is like oxygen - the higher you climb, the less there is of
it.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

My dad says he wishes he could release water
as easily as the Corps of Engineers.

Creditors have better memory than debtors.

Raisin - A worried looking grape

I personally don't mind growing old, but my body's taking it badly.

You were born an original. Don't die a copy

A little courtesy goes a long way, which is fortunate, in view of the
shortage.

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.

If you make ends meet, aren't you just going around in circles?

Krakadil
07-09-2006, 10:15 PM
FLORIDA PRAYER

Bless this house, oh lord, we cry,
please keep it cool in mid-July.

Bless the walls where termites dine,
while ants and roaches march in time.

Bless our yard where spiders pass
fire ant castles in the grass.

Bless the garage, a home to please
carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.

Bless the love bugs two by two
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.

Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
in Florida, Lord, you've put them all!

But this is home and here we'll stay,
so thank you Lord for insect spray.

Krakadil
07-14-2006, 08:33 PM
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000 and
feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a
newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope
you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I turned 47 yesterday," the woman says happily, and then moves to her next
stop.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and upon getting her order,
asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29".
The woman replies, "Nope, I turned 47 yesterday!" Now she is feeling really
good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He
replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure way to tell exactly how old a woman was, but it
requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of
the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man slips
both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a
couple of minutes she says, "OK already: how old am I?" He removes his hands
and says, "You are 47 years and one day old." Stunned the woman says, "That
is amazing! How did you know?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in
line at McDonald's."

Krakadil
07-16-2006, 08:41 AM
> Open letter to Tax Payers.
>
> Dear Tax Payers: The only thing the Internal Revenue Service has
> not taxed is your Pecker. This is due to the fact that 40% of the
> time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed
> off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is
> employed but operates in the hole. Furthermore, it has two
> dependents and they are both nuts. Accordingly, after March 1,
> 1986, your Pecker will be taxed, based on its size, using the
> Pecker-Checker Scale. Determine your category and insert the
> additional tax under "Other Taxes", Page 2, Part V, line 69 of your
> Standard Income Tax Return.
>
> PECKER - CHECKER SCALE
>
> 10-12 inches* / Luxury Tax............... $50.00
> 8-10 inches / Pole Tax................. $25.00
> 6-8 inches / Privilege Tax............ $15.00
> 4-6 inches / Nuisance Tax............. $ 5.00
>
> * Males with peckers in excess of 12 inches should be filed under
> "Capital Gains".

Is the measurement made on the erect or flacid pecker?

> NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO
> NOT ASK FOR EXTENSION !
> Very truly yours,
>
> Your Tax Woman

Krakadil
07-17-2006, 09:43 PM
Oneliners:

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark

For older Americans, an eye pod is a cataract.

Flirtation: Attention without intention.

Wasn't there a cliff around herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr¿

Babies are angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer

Few children fear water, unless soap is added.

I vent, therefore I am. ~ Dennis Miller

Being punctual makes people think you have nothing better to do.

Never eat more than you can lift.

We'll know immigration is out of hand when we have to press "2"
for English.

Ever feel like you have an 8-track mind in a DVD world?

Acorn: an oak in a nutshell

Ann Coulter is the true face of the right-wing hate machine.

To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals.

The poor have little, beggars none, the rich too much, the IRS mine.

Krakadil
07-18-2006, 07:30 PM
Can you believe it? Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week.

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on
her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast !!!!!!!!!!

Krakadil
07-20-2006, 08:02 PM
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

He who hesitates will never learn to merge.

"What's right is what's left if you do everything wrong." ~ Robin
Williams

A man will marry a woman because he needs a mother he can communicate
with.

Hezbollah is nothing more than a Muslim version of the KKK.

Hummingbirds are nature's way of teaching humility to cats

It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The ice cream truck in our neighborhood now plays rap music.

Hawaii is the only U.S. state to produce coffee

Wouldn't you know it, France calls for Israel to surrender. Who'd
have guessed?

Youthful Figure: What you get when you ask a woman her age

Money talks, but a credit card uses sign language.

Lower gas prices by reducing demand. Deport all illegal alien drivers.

The worst thing about censorship is ******************.

Tolerance is letting other people find happiness in their own way
instead of your way

Krakadil
07-20-2006, 08:03 PM
Sometimes I look at my paycheck and think that
perhaps I have a hobby instead of a job.
_______________

We simply won't lose weight by talking about it.
We have to keep our mouths shut.
__________________

Dear terrorists: Never capture an Israeli soldier and expect to have
roads, water, bridges or electricity the next day.
__________________

Don't worry about tomorrow, you don't even know
what may happen to you today.
_____________________

For years uranium cost only a few dollars a ton
until scientists discovered you could kill people with it.
___________________

There are two classes of people, the righteous and the unrighteous.
The classifying is done by the righteous.
_______________________

Traffic jams are at times caused by the construction of
new highways . . to relieve traffic jams.
____________________

I'm not overweight, but my vanity license plate, "FATSO,"
keeps my wife from driving my sports car.

Krakadil
07-21-2006, 10:47 PM
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

I think it's wrong that the game Monopoly is made by only one company.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

Krakadil
07-21-2006, 10:49 PM
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in
the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out...

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I mix my water myself-two parts H and one part O.

Krakadil
07-21-2006, 10:50 PM
I've been counting calories for six months now. I don't know about my figure
but, my arithmetic's improving.

A vacation is a two-week-long experience where money and time race against
each other, until both are totally exhausted.

They're not really fixing the streets. They're just moving the holes so that
motorists can't memorize them.

There is never a right way to do the wrong thing.

The birds, chipmunks and rabbits in my yard are nature. Your cat in my
garden is history.

When you aim for perfection you discover it is a moving target

We want all machines to be perfect, with the exception of the bathroom
scale.

It's easy enough to spot the winners. They're the ones not complaining about
the rules.

A great actor can bring tears to our eyes. But then, so can an auto
mechanic.

To make a long story short, there's nothing like the boss walking in.

Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.

Scars are tattoos with better stories.

Krakadil
07-24-2006, 09:56 PM
An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man
goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor.

"Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and
I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when
I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on
for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement,
and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife.

"How're you feeling?" he asks.

"I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots
of energy and I'm not feeling any pain."

The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your
husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband
said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord
turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he
means?"

"Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator
again."

Krakadil
07-24-2006, 09:58 PM
Hillary Clinton was being driven around the countryside in
her limo by her driver. Suddenly a cow walked into the road
and, unable to stop in time, the limo hits the cow. Slightly
shaken up, the driver goes to see if the cow is alright.

"Is it alright ?" asks Hillary from the comfort of the back
seat.

The driver prodded the cow with his foot, and shook his
head. "No ma'am, it's dead."

"Well you were driving, not me, so you go and tell the
farmer what happened !" So the driver goes off to the nearby
farm.

A couple of hours later the driver comes back holding a
bottle of champagne, with his clothes scruffy and all messed
up. "Oh my God, what happened to you ?" Hillary exclaimed
as she saw the driver.

"Well ma'am, the farmer gave me this bottle of champagne,
the farmer's wife gave me a kiss, and their daughter had sex
with me !!"

"What the hell did you say ?"

"Well ma'am, I just said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and
I've just killed the cow'."

Krakadil
07-25-2006, 07:14 PM
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and
Viagra than on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year
2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge
breasts and erections who can't remember where they got them or what to do
with them

Krakadil
07-25-2006, 07:16 PM
What men do after sex?

2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get up
and go back home to their wives.

Krakadil
07-25-2006, 07:18 PM
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
die first, start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in

a nursing home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for

being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you

get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young

enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're

generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary

school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become
a

baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries

like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters everyday,

and finally you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

Krakadil
07-25-2006, 07:26 PM
If the going is real easy, beware, you may be headed down hill

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks

Meanness doesn't just happen overnight.

Living in the past has one thing in its favor. It's cheaper

I got in touch with my inner child...now my imaginary friend is jealous

A voltage spike? OUCH! That hertz!

A careful driver is one who just saw the driver ahead get a ticket.

Everybody needs a hug. It changes your metabolism

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note.

Killing time murders opportunities.

Egotist: - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

College professor: a man who gets what's left over after the football
coach is paid off. _________________

Krakadil
07-28-2006, 09:51 PM
Top Ten Signs The Middle-East News Reporter you are watching has no
clue
10. He's reporting from Lebanon, Pennsylvania
9. Keeps confusing Al Aqsa with Al Bundy
8. Calls Hezbollah "freedom fighters"
7. Thought the MidEast was just a tough college basketball
conference
6. Starts interview with insane Syrian ambassador: "For the
record, I loved Syriana"
5. Signature sign off: "Stay Classy, Osama"
4. Wears a shaitel, full modest dress in order to "fit in" when
interviewing Israelis on Tel Aviv beach
3. Concludes Israeli bomb shelter report with, "No sign of Baby
Suri here, Bob"
2. He's wearing a "Bull-Shiite" t-shirt
1. Sees a clear difference between Hezbollah & Al Quaeda

Mikhail-u
08-14-2006, 03:28 PM
Inheritance:

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune after his sickly
father dies, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to
her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit
20 million dollars."

>Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
>later, she became his stepmother.
>
>Women are so much smarter than men

Bibob3d
09-07-2006, 01:24 AM
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Mikhail-u
09-29-2006, 01:26 PM
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang and his wife answered.
An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open and there is a burglar in it."

Krakadil
01-24-2007, 09:20 PM
The Pasta Diet

1) You walka pasta the bakery.
2) You walka pasta the candy store.
3) You walka pasta the Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta the table and fridge.

Krakadil
01-24-2007, 09:21 PM
And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word
on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the
conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills you.

Krakadil
01-31-2007, 09:53 PM
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.

Krakadil
02-02-2007, 06:08 PM
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all around you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

A Dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 6)


I like mermaids! . They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 7)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there.
(Russ age 5)

Krakadil
02-04-2007, 09:01 PM
A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's
house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are
you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the
mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now
really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal
questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get
a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.
The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin
to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl
says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at
her
drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I
know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How
did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is
past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that
out?"
And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got
a divorce." Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really?
And just why is that, young lady?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

Krakadil
02-07-2007, 09:18 PM
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language today is the word "fuck". It is the magical word which, just by
its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language , "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and
intransitive(Mary was Fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary
really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in
John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with
Mary). It can even be ued as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also
stupid).
As you can see there are very words with the overall versitility of the
word fuck.
Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe
many situations:
1. Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud..............."I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!
4. Trouble............."I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Agression........."FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust................"Fuck me."
7. Confusion............." What the fuck....?"
8. Displeasure............"Fucking shit man..."
9. Lost........................"where the fuck are we?"
10.Disbelief.............."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11.Retaliation............."Up your fucking ass!"
12.Apathy................."Who really gives a fuck?"
13.Suspicion............."Who the fuck are you?"
14.Directions.............."Fuck off."
It can be maternal........"MOTHERFUCKER!!"
It can be used to tell time......." It's four fucking twenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description............."He's a fucking
asshole."
Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshema~
"Thats not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~Albert Einstein~
"It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want what on the fucking celiling?" ~Michaelangelo~
"Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~
"Houston we have a big fucking problem." ~The crew of Apollo 13~

Krakadil
02-09-2007, 09:59 PM
The Moods of a Woman:

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

The Moods of a Man:

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

Krakadil
02-23-2007, 09:35 PM
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his
parents, so he went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen
cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and
said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay." His mother made no reply
or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd
heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said
calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your
mouth after they may have been in their rectal canal?" The guy said
nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring
the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her
spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

Krakadil
03-09-2007, 09:16 PM
Sweetness Of Married Life
-------------------------

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old buddies.



So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."


"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.





"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to
have a beer."



The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door
to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands ! from
12 different countries: Germany,Holland, Japan, India, etc.



The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...
they have frozen glasses... "



He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a
huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.



The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but
at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"



"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.



"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."



"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT
YOU'RE ASS DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND
EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED
BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet
story? --

Mikhail-u
03-13-2007, 02:19 AM
Management in America, a modern parable.

A Japanese company (Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motor
Company) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams
practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very
discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the
crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed
to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was
the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the
American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a
consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second
opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the
boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize
that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese,
the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4
steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant
superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new
performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater
incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First
Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was
discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment,
extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development
of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments
for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior
Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to
India.
Sadly, The End

Sad, but oh so true! Here's something else to think about:
Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of
the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. Toyota
has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside
the US. The last quarter's results: Toyota makes 4 billion in profits
while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still
scratching their heads!

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. ---
Confucius

Thomas
03-17-2007, 12:42 AM
Things you can only say at Thanksgiving

1. Talk about huge breasts!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's a terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

Thanks Phyllis

Mikhail-u
03-19-2007, 03:41 PM
Feminists must love that:


We've all heard about men having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each

is listed below... but the outcome is always the same...



GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with

the guys, being met by your wife with a broom,

and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,

or are you flying somewhere?"



BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with

the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your

collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the

balls to say: "You're next."



I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome

since both ultimately result in death.

Mikhail-u
03-21-2007, 05:26 PM
Finally!!! Overalls that fit!!!!!!!!!!!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Just ask for the " ARKANSAS CUT"
>>
>>
>>Yes, the new one is out!
>> Brand new edition of... "You know you're a redneck when....
>>
>>1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
>>2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly
>>swatter.
>>3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
>>4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
>>5. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench
>>6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
>>7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want
>> it.
>>8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
>>9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
>>10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
>>11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
>>12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
>>13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
>>14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
>>15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
>>16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
>>17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
>>18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
>>19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so
clean
?
>>20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
>>21. You consider your license plate personalized because your
father
>>made it.
>>22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
>>23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool
Whip"
>>on the side.
>>24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
>>25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
>>26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
>>27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth
of

>>improvements.
>>28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
>>29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on
jury

>>duty.
>>30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Krakadil
04-06-2007, 09:11 PM
To all Employees:
It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize
the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
you are when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 new and
innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of
ideas and Information can continue to flow in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the ***** you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ***** *****.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the ***** do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No ***** way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my ***** problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the *****?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the ***** didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: ***** it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This ***** job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the ***** died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Krakadil
04-07-2007, 09:55 PM
Company policy:

Start with a cage containing 5 monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a
string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to
the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the
stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while,
another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all of the other
monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries
to climb the stairs, the rest of the monkeys will try to prevent it. Now,
put away the cold water, remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with
a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To
his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him. After another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be
assaulted. Next, remove another of the original 5 monkeys and replace it
with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The
previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise,
replace the original 3rd monkey with a new one. then the 4th, then the 5th.
Most of the monkeys taking part in the beatings have no idea why they are
not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the
punishment of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys,
none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the
banana. Why not? Because as far as they know, that's the way it's always
been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

Krakadil
04-13-2007, 10:43 AM
What is a Tragedy?
>
> The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while
> visiting a primary school class, found themselves in
> the middle of a discussion related to words and their
> meanings.
>
> The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead
> the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the
> illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an
> example of a "tragedy".
>
> One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best
> friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field
> and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead,
> that would be a tragedy."
>
> No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an
> accident."
>
> A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus
> carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
> everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
>
> I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al.
> "That's what we would call a great loss. " The room
> goes silent. No other children volunteered.
>
> Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone
> here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
>
> Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
> his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane
> carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were
> struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
> would be a tragedy."
>
> Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's
> right. And can you tell me why that would be a
> tragedy?"
>
> "Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell
> wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be
> an accident either

Krakadil
04-15-2007, 06:57 PM
A teacher asked her 2nd grade class to fill in the blanks. This is what they
wrote:

Better to be safe than......Punch a 5th grader
Strike while the ..........Bug is close
It's always darkest before.....Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of....Termites
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
Don't bite the hand that........looks dirty
No news is...............impossible
A miss is as good as a.........Mr.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll....stink in the morning
The pen is mightier than the............pigs
An idle mind is...........The best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's.........pollution
Happy the bride who...........gets all the presents
A penny saved is...............not much
Two's company, three's..........the Musketeers
Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries
You get out of something what you..see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind......get out of the way

Krakadil
04-15-2007, 07:07 PM
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go back and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're r eading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.

Krakadil
04-15-2007, 07:10 PM
How to properly place a new employee.


1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
> 2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
> 3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
> 4. Then analyze the situation:
>
> a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
> b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
> c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
> Engineering.
> d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
> Planning.
> e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
> f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
> g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
> Technology.
> h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
> i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for
> more,
> yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
> j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
> k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
> l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
> moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .
>
>
> Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that
> they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Krakadil
05-07-2007, 10:13 PM
WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A VAGINA...

* The more people use it the bigger it gets.

* If you play with it too much you can go blind.

* You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!

* Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really
can't interface.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think
that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for
fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard
to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.

* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. if you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

* You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in
something that takes 9 months to finish.

* The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated
system.

* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.

* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp your behaviour. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do
that?"

* Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it think that those who
don't have it are somehow inferior. Those who don't have it may agree that
it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have
it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their
time trying to access it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

* Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others
believe it should be open to all comers.

* Both are subject to abuse by hardware dongles.

Bibob3d
05-08-2007, 06:24 PM
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting: 25 percent of women think their ass is too fat... 10 percent of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 65 per cent say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway...

Krakadil
05-17-2007, 10:51 PM
Larry goes to see his travel agent. "Hey Larry, going away on holiday
again?" "Yes, but I need to ask for something different." "Go ahead ask me."
"You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was
pregnant." "Yes, but. . ." "And the year before you suggested Bermuda and
when I returned my wife was pregnant." "Yes, but. . ." "And the year before
that I went to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant." "Yes." "Well!
Could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can bring her with
me?"

Krakadil
05-18-2007, 10:51 PM
A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers
at Woolworths Stores..or any other Supermarket. This warning came
from a Minister I know...You may also, Rowley Groucher...<g>...

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever confidence trick
while out shopping. Simply going out to do some shopping turned out to
be quite a traumatic experience. Don't be naive enough to think it
couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 21-year-old girls come over to your car as
you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping your
windscreen with a rag and water , with their cleavage almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say No and instead ask
you for a lift to another shopping centre. You agree and they get in the
back seat. On the way, they start stripping off. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and performs oral on you, while the other one
steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
& 20th, April 2nd, 4th, three times on the 5th, three times just
yesterday, and very likely again this coming weekend as soon as I can
buy more wallets.

Please pass this message on to all the men you know, to warn them about
this dreadful scam!

Жалоба
05-21-2007, 12:17 AM
> > AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
> >
> > 1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water
> > down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
> > 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
> > hold while you chop.
> > 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
> > the sink.
> > 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
> > a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use
> > a timer.
> > 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
> > from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
> > button.
> > 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
> > will be afraid to cough.
> > 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
> > move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
> > duct tape.
> > 8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
> >
> > Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
> > ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE
> > STAIRS.(hahahahaha!!!!)

Krakadil
05-23-2007, 08:08 PM
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the
perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining
light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home
at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you
want, get a TV!"

Krakadil
05-23-2007, 08:27 PM
United States Senator and presidential candidate Barack Obama is thought by certain Irish to have had Irish ancestors on his mother's side.
If that is so, perhaps his first name had originally been spelled Baruch.
That would be interesting one, Baruch O'Bama!

Krakadil
05-29-2007, 11:29 AM
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane .

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.



I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.



One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

...............They Walk Among Us!



While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

..............They Walk Among Us!!



I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."



...............They Walk Among Us!



My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

..............They Walk Among Us!



My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!



I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

...............They Walk Among Us!



While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

...............Yep, They Walk Among Us!



They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL..................................they VOTE!

AnkaZ
05-30-2007, 11:51 AM
General Store Sales Pitch

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, "Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?"

The man asks, "Why would I be?"

The manager replies, "Because when the lawn seed grows, you'll need something to cut the grass with."

Surprisingly, the man buys a lawn mower. Then another man walks in and asks for a box of Tampax. The manager nudges the newly hired boy. The boy walks up to the man and says, "Right away, Sir. But, of course, you will be wanting a lawn mower with that, right?"

The shocked man asks, "Why?!"

The young man then replies, "Well, your weekend's screwed, so you might as well mow the lawn."

Krakadil
05-30-2007, 10:18 PM
JOHN CLEESE LETTER TO AMERICA
(Notice of Revocation of Independence)

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You
will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will
learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You
are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look
up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be
no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to
cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you
learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language
as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also
have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such
as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist
in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red
Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which
is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than
a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you
will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips
are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known
as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000
years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

~~~

NOTE: This is one version of a text circulating via forwarded email
since November 2000. Though attributed to former Monty Python member
John Cleese, it was not actually written by him.

Жалоба
07-05-2007, 02:24 AM
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says "one". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101, 237.65". The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishin and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing... :D

Жалоба
07-05-2007, 02:25 AM
>You can never be too careful.
>
>
>BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME~
>
>A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
>
>Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
>
>The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.
>
>A banana was sticking out of his butt.
>
>Police suspect a cereal killer.
>

Жалоба
07-05-2007, 02:31 AM
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious. What's the other use?)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my gosh..was there a lot of this happening somewhere? How would anyone do that?)

:D :D

Жалоба
07-05-2007, 02:36 AM
Actual court transcrips (большой такой LOL :D )

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? .... What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
[/URL] [URL="http://www.matchdoctor.com/forums-userthreads-11141591-1.aspx"] (http://www.matchdoctor.com/forumPostReply.aspx?forumID=13&threadID=20553&postID=697902&page=1)

Жалоба
07-05-2007, 02:39 AM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry a
bout his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
:D

Жалоба
07-23-2007, 02:45 AM
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with t he let ters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
:D :D :D

Krakadil
09-21-2007, 06:38 PM
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M

PRESBYTERI AN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
Wh en you rea rrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE TH IS

Mikhail-u
09-29-2007, 02:10 PM
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Senor,that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire"
"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
" WHAT BLOODY fUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE............. ......
LOOOOONG SILENCE............. ..
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s---"

Mikhail-u
09-29-2007, 02:20 PM
А вот анекдот, который напоминетмне старый русский (только там солдат говорил: мы, русские, без пинка по жопе не заводимся...)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, 'Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.'
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said,'Now I can die content.'
Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. Marine tough guy, what is your final wish?'
'Kick me in the a$$,' said the marine.
'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the a$$,' insisted the Sergeant.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the a$$.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead.
In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Sergeant was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the a$$ first?'
What,' replied the Marine, 'and have you two a**holes report that I was the aggressor

Mikhail-u
09-29-2007, 03:16 PM
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947 witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch outside Roswell , New Mexico
This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by
the U.S. Air Force and the Federal Government.
However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948..
exactly nine months after that historic day:
Albert Arnold Gore, Hillary Rodham Clinton, John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein;
Charles E. Schumer and, Barbara Boxer were born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep... This
piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

Mikhail-u
09-29-2007, 03:26 PM
Two Ladies Talking In The Afterlife

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found
him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and
died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive.

Mikhail-u
09-29-2007, 03:42 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Europe Raises Security Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Mikhail-u
09-30-2007, 01:28 PM
Amazing elephant story
Sometimes these "heartwarming" stories are a bit too soppy for me but this one is different...

In 1986, Mike Smith was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.. Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Mikhail-u
10-22-2007, 12:09 AM
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with his colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh, my God!"

---------------------------------
A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

Mikhail-u
10-23-2007, 10:57 AM
read the last one!!!!!





Actual call center conversations! Some of these are repeats but they are too funny not to repeat.



Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"

Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"

Customer: "It's on the door of your business."

Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."



++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++



Samsung Electronics



Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."



----------------------------------------------------------------------



Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steeringwheel to the other side of the car?"



----------------------------------------------------------------------



Directory Inquiries



Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."



----------------------------------------------------------------------



Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ."



----------------------------------------------------------------------



On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."



----------------------------------------------------------------------



Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "OK."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."



----------------------------------------------------------------------



Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"



----------------------------------------------------------------------



Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"



----------------------------------------------------------------------

(an oldy but goodie)



This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to< /SPAN>say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."



Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):



Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "OK Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't"

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

Mikhail-u
10-23-2007, 11:59 AM
SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Krakadil
11-07-2007, 08:13 PM
Happy Halloween
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He
being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his
good time being spoiled by not going. The wife, after sleeping soundly
for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early,
decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her
costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her
husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him
and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner
high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that She let him go
as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he
whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they
went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking
at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got
into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would ma ke for his
beha
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of
a time he had. He said: Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have
a good time when you're not there.
Did you dance much?
I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and
played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what
happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.......!"

Krakadil
11-17-2007, 09:52 PM
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty -three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOP LE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIR ST DAT E T HAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Krakadil
11-28-2007, 10:52 PM
Флэшка про Бэби-бумеров

http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html

Mikhail-u
12-11-2007, 12:42 AM
Winter statistic: 98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SH*T' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM MICHIGAN AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

Mikhail-u
12-11-2007, 12:54 AM
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife turning back
And forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked
What she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still
Looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
Made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,
And then took her to Six Flags
Theme park. What a day ! He put her on every
Ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... Everything
There was. Five hours Later they staggered out
Of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
Stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he
Ordered her a Happy Meal with
Extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
And her favorite candy,
M&M's. Wh at a fabulous adventure ! Finally she
Wobbled home with her
Husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
Lovingly asked, Well Dear,
What was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression
Suddenly changed.

I meant my Dress Size, you dumb a$$ !!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is
Listening, he is going to get it wrong.

SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH..... AND TO
MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE

Жалоба
12-11-2007, 02:05 AM
Workers Take 227 Animals From Calif. Home
From Associated Press
May 11, 2006 10:01 PM EDT
HESPERIA, Calif. - Workers wearing gas masks removed 227 animals that were in "deplorable" condition from a home that reeked of urine, authorities said.

The final tally included 98 guinea pigs, 84 cats, 27 dogs, 14 rabbits, 3 potbellied pigs and 1 bird, Code Compliance Supervisor Tony Genovesi said Wednesday.

Two of the pigs had such severely injured hooves that they had turned them in and were walking on a higher point on their legs, officials said.

"I'm surprised they're not all sick with upper respiratory infections because they're breathing straight ammonia," said Susan Bradley, a kennel technician with the animal control department.

Hesperia homeowners are allowed to keep six cats, six dogs and 65 cage animals, Genovesi said. All of the animals were removed from the home because of the bad health conditions, he said.

The residents will get back the ones they're allowed to own once the home is fit for their habitation, he said.

It was unclear why the residents kept so many animals.

A person at the home declined to comment to the Victorville Daily Press.

Officials said they learned of the conditions at the home on Friday, when they served an unrelated warrant on a residence across the street.

Authorities previously visited the home in August 2004 and removed dozens of animals, Genovesi said.это вроде как смешно, да ? или это такой у нас тут смех? Почему бы реально не открыть Вам тред типа странных новостей? Ну а такое постить - просто (простите за тавтологию) наращивать количество постов. :rolleyes: :confused:

Mikhail-u
12-31-2007, 01:23 PM
вообще-то подобный анекдот я слышал давно на русском. Но ...

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

Mikhail-u
01-02-2008, 10:41 PM
One sunny day in 2009,an old soldier approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine,
"I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President
and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs.Clinton.
I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man replied, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing you say it!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow sir."

Mikhail-u
01-02-2008, 10:53 PM
A teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of them are Hillary fans.

Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.

The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, 'I'm not a Hillary fan.'

The teacher says, 'Why aren't you a Hillary fan?' Johnny says, 'I'm a George Bush fan.'

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan. The boy says, 'Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!'

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is New York! So she demands,
'What if your mom was a moron and your dad were an idiot, What would that make you?'

Johnny sighs and says, 'That would make me a Hillary fan.'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Old Couple:
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal,they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a
Distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her
Glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you
Might as well get my hat and the credit card.

Mikhail-u
01-03-2008, 09:10 PM
ANGELS AS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN



I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. ~~~Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. ~~~Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. ~~~Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. ~~~Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. ~~~Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! ~~~Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. ~~~Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. ~~~Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. ~~~Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. ~~~Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. ~~~Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. ~~~Lynn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
~~~Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. ~~~ Sarah, 7
__________________

The most extraordinary thing in the world is an ordinary man and
an ordinary woman and their ordinary children.

~~ G. K. Chesterton


(and he said this before the self-esteem era)

Mikhail-u
01-27-2008, 09:40 PM
CDC ALERT


The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a
highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand,
and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via
any
means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private
life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave
the
premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and
purchase
one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract
(WINE)
and
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.


You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If
you do
not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life

Krakadil
01-31-2008, 09:36 AM
HOCKEY STORY!!!

The NJ DEVILS foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey
in the new American sponsored league and is suitably impressed and arranges for
him to come over to the US.

The DEVILS sign him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the
preseason

Two weeks later the DEVILS are down 4-0 to the Rangers with only 10 minutes
left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a
sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game!

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first
day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says.

"I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we
won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot
in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such
great time, playing a game."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom. "It's your fault we moved to Newark in the
first place."

Mikhail-u
02-05-2008, 02:34 AM
A recent study found the average American walks
about 900 miles per year. Another study found
Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about
41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be American.

Mikhail-u
02-06-2008, 04:55 PM
Why parents drink



The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'



'Is your daddy home?' he asked.



' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.



'May I talk with him?'



The child whispered, 'No.'



Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'



'Yes.'



'May I talk with her?'



Again the small voice whispered, 'No .'



Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'



'Yes ,' whispered the child, 'a policeman '.




Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'



' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.



'Busy doing what?'



'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.



Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'




'A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.



'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.



Again, whispering, the child answered,' The search team just landed a helicopter .'


Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'



Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...


'ME .'

Krakadil
02-06-2008, 07:47 PM
So St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven, and asks the next one in line "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?"

So the fellow says "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States."

St. Peter says "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be shittin' me! When did this happen?!?"

And Obama says "About twenty seconds ago."

Mikhail-u
02-07-2008, 08:28 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arthur is 95 years old. He's played golf every day since his
retirement 30 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells
his wife.
"I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad...once I've hit
the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don't
you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and
three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight
is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with
his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down
the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I can't remember."

Krakadil
02-07-2008, 09:26 PM
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.


Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"


The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with
grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and
enters the house.


He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll
take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the
rest of her life.


Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000
each.


However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"


At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...

"you gonna try again."

Mikhail-u
02-07-2008, 09:41 PM
По-моему этот анекдот уже был и там говорилось о криминальном характере [intercourse] - либо малолетка, либо изнасилование - это прибавляло комичности папиной фразе.

Mikhail-u
02-10-2008, 06:51 PM
A Lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about
the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay . She received back the
following reply:

The White House1600 Pennsylvania Avenue , Washington D.C.20016




Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaeda detainees currently being held at
Guantanamo Bay Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington .

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist
Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers"
program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
complaint. It will Likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant care-takers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended
in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope
that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will
help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand
that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil
or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these
skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters
(except sexually), since he views females as a sub- human form of property. This
is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show
violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will,over
time, Come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture an his
Religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it? Thanks again for your letter.

We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of
Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.

Good luck!
Cordially, your friend,
Don Rumsfeld

Mikhail-u
02-11-2008, 03:38 PM
There are 10 kinds of people- those who understand binary and those who don't. :evillaugh :evillaugh :evillaugh

Mikhail-u
02-11-2008, 07:02 PM
A statue of a nude woman and a statue of a nude man are standing in a park, facing each other, since more than 100 years.
One day an angel comes and says: “You’ve been standing here for more than 100 blazing summers and more than 100 freezing winters. As a reward you will be given life for half an hour – enjoy it and do whatever you want!”
They jump down and run off into a big bush, from where one could hear rustling leaves and lots of stifled giggling. After 15 minutes they come out, looking extremely happy. The angel tells them that they still got 15 minutes left.
The man asks the woman: “Do you want to do it once more?”
Says the woman: “Oh yeeessss! But we’ll switch roles! This time I’ll pin down the pigeon and you’ll crap on its head!”



Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb. "No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for her.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what you get for five bucks!"

Mikhail-u
03-10-2008, 04:01 AM
You Can't Fix Stupid People

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have a half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.



THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."



FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." (she had no clue either!)



FIVE

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift.One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.



SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.



SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems withtheir computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"



EIGHT

Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.



NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine.The mother says, "Okay, but, I just gave him some ant killer....."Dispatch er: "Rush him in to emergency room!"

Mikhail-u
03-11-2008, 03:55 AM
Guns vs. Doctors (for all of you gun control freaks out there)
Doctors:
- The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
- Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. (and they cause millions more with known-to-be-fatal prescription drugs and unnecessary surgeries.)
- Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.)
Guns:
- The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
- The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
- The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
(Statistics courtesy of F.B.I.)
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat immediatley. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!
Note: Out of concern for the public at large, the statistics on lawyers have been withheld for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

Krakadil
07-25-2008, 10:25 PM
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this
one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A ten-day vacation requires
only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Krakadil
08-02-2008, 07:06 PM
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY



& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone
always answers.

& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will
always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a
floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by
the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment
and you'll stay sick.

fan_ta
08-13-2008, 12:11 PM
WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

fan_ta
08-13-2008, 12:16 PM
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

смешно
08-14-2008, 11:27 AM
China winning gymnastics, US winning swimming, Russia winning Georgia...