View Full Version : Коллекция анекдотов на английском

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01-14-2005, 10:35 AM
Who was the greatest inventor of all time?

God was!

He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.


The mother of a teenaged girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating SUSAN!"

01-14-2005, 10:36 AM
A man went to the temple one day and afterward he stopped to shake the rabbi's hand. He said, "Rabbi, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said,
"Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity".

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The rabbi said, "No shit?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A couple took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," the mother replied. "The rest are for your father.

01-14-2005, 10:36 AM
"If a man speaks and there is no woman present to hear him, is he still wrong?"

01-16-2005, 07:24 PM
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Eat and drink what you like
Speaking English is apparently what kills you

01-19-2005, 10:49 AM
There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews,"
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

01-22-2005, 06:32 PM
- Name?
- Abu Dalah Sarafi.
- Sex?
- Four times a week.
- No, no, no male or female?
- Male, female... sometimes camel...

01-22-2005, 07:04 PM
12- Pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

01-22-2005, 07:10 PM
The First Lady's patriotic duties
What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
They both go down in the name of the president.

01-25-2005, 01:04 PM
The fine-furniture store where I work has been in business since the 1920s. Recently I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chairs from a dining set purchased from us in the 1930s. I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager. "You'll never believe this one," I told him. "I just got a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s." Before I could finish repeating her request, he interrupted and said, "Don't tell me she hasn't received them yet!"

02-01-2005, 01:27 PM
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to

her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around,

runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the

next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts

just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok,

just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most

perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and

starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,

burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or


"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

02-16-2005, 03:25 PM
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky,
>mine's still alive."
>Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
>Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
>speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the
>man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
>When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
>thing: either the car is new or the wife.
>A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your
>bags, I've won the lottery!"
>The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm
>She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
>A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and
>threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned
>over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a
>moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
>Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven't seen each other for
>years. As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat
>diamond ring, and says "My what a magnificent ring." Her friend relies,
>"Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes
>with my husband!"
>Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something
>you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
>Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a
>good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
>One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.
>Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his
>I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be
>why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
>A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
>I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
>We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a
>woman. And behind her stands his wife.
>Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when
>they try to decide which one.
>Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
>If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
>say, talk in your sleep.
>Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet
>she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned
>for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You
>have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
>there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got
>shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
>When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think
>about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"
>Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
>Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

02-17-2005, 01:09 PM
Subject: Interview

At the immigration desk somewhere in Europe...

* Name ?
* Abu Dalah Sarafi.
* Sex ?
* Four times a week.
* No, no, no. . .male or female ?
* Male, Female. . . Sometimes camel. . .

02-17-2005, 01:15 PM
Subject: Interview

At the immigration desk somewhere in Europe...

* Name ?
* Abu Dalah Sarafi.
* Sex ?
* Four times a week.
* No, no, no. . .male or female ?
* Male, Female. . . Sometimes camel. . .
:grum: :grum:
ой, чего-то мы все скоро будем на такой волне... столько смеха с утра!

02-28-2005, 12:33 PM
Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable...
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo and the hairdresser asked about the trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?' "

03-01-2005, 10:40 AM
"Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki...
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I ! doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: (This is cute)......... Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama, which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama

Lesson of the day:

Don't Lie to Your Mother

03-01-2005, 12:49 PM
The Story Of Creation

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so his Man and Woman creations would live long
and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "as long as you're at it, add
some sprinkles." And they both gained pounds and Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size
6 to size 14.

Next, God created healthful juices from all the fruits and vegetables he
had previously created so men and women would have a choice of healthy
liquids to drink. Satan seeing this, created beer and whiskey and
numerous sugar water and chemical based drinks and men and women became
numb, nasty, fatter, and diabetic. Satan was pleased.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good." Satan grinning, then created chocolate cake and
named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not have to toil changing the channels. And Men and Women laughed
and cried before the flickering blue light and gained many more pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained more pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double fat cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man
replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And
Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

03-02-2005, 09:29 PM

04-18-2005, 03:23 PM
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he
felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down
the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could
make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store
and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and
told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman
eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit
perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure." The salesman
eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished,

"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe
tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."

ALWAYS get a second opinion...

04-25-2005, 09:45 AM
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my
whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding
cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole
day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think
about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems
to make me think of women." A little while later, a man sat down next
to the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I
always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

05-07-2005, 11:25 PM
Ang God said unto him "Come forth".
And he came fifth and won a rubber duck.

05-14-2005, 05:20 PM
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

05-25-2005, 04:24 PM
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro-tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy eh?"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

05-26-2005, 06:15 PM

It has been brought to the attention of management that some individuals
have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between
employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers,
this conduct will no longer be tolerated.

Management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able
to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow
employees. Therefore, management has compiled the following coded list.
It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded
phrases, so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.


No fucking way. - I'm not certain that's feasible.

You gotta be shitting me. - Really?

Tell someone who gives a fuck. - Perhaps you should check with____.

It's not my fucking problem. - I'm not involved with that project.

What the fuck. - How surprising.

Ask me if I give a fuck. - Of course I'm concerned.

Fuck it. It won't work. - I'm not sure I can implement this.

Why the fuck didn't they tell me. - I see that was privileged information.

I have no time to finish this shit. - Perhaps I can work late.

Who gives a fuck? - Are you sure it's a problem?

He's got his head up his ass. - It's a problem he's not familiar with.

Eat shit. - You don't say?

Eat shit and die. - Excuse me?

Eat shit and die, motherfucker. - Excuse me, sir?

What the fuck do they want? - They were not happy with it.

Kiss my ass. - I need help with this project.

Fuck it. I'm on salary. - I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

Shove it up your ass. - I don't think you understand.

This job sucks! - I love a challenge.

Blow me! - I see.

Who the fuck died and left you boss? - Would you like to take care of this?

06-09-2005, 10:16 PM
Vus titzuch?'

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks: "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression - 'Vus titzuch?'"

The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?"

Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to "what's happening". They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat), and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"

The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."

06-20-2005, 09:07 PM
Pickup Lines
I don't know how far these lines will get you, and I will take no blame if they don't work. Feel free to submit ones that have worked for you but please keep it clean. We don't want to get too risque and some girls will give you a good slap in the face if you try one of those on them.

1. Is your Dad an astronaut? Because someone took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

2. You must be tired because you've been running through my dreams all night

3. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

4. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

5. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

6. Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

7. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!

8. Was your dad king? He must have been to make a princess like you.

9. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.

10. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

11. You are the reason men fall in love.

12. I'm writing a term paper on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.

13. If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.

14. When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor, so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

15. Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)

16. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?

17. Can I borrow a quarter? I told my Mom I'd call when I met the girl of my dreams.

18. Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.

19. Excuse me, but I think I dropped something, my jaw!

20. Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

21. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

22. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

23. If I followed you home, would you keep me?

24. Was your father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!

25. Was your Dad a baker? Because you've got a nice set of buns.

26. You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!

27. Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

28. You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!

29. If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".

30. Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?

31. Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boyfriend?

32. Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.

33. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

34. Are you related to Mike Tyson? Because you knock me out.

35. If you were a burger at McDonalds, you'd be named McGourgous.

36. Your body must be a Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

37. How you doin?

38. Please come here, I'm desperate.

39. Didn't we go to different schools together?

40. Guy: Did you just fart? Girl: No, why? Guy: Because you just blew me away.

41. If I had a nickel for every girl as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents

42. Would you like some visene? Why? So you can see our clear future together.

43. I hear your body is made up of 75% water, man am I thirsty!

44. Do you sleep on your stomach? (No) Can I?

45. I love you, you're the best.

46. If I had a rose for every time I thought of you I'd be walking in a garden forever.

47. You're so sweet I'm getting cavities.

48. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

49. If I had a camera, I'd use the whole roll.

50. Your name must be Lucky Charms, cause you're magically delicious.

51. Baby, have you been eaten your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!

52. Are you wearing lipstick? Mind if I taste it?

53. If I were bread, would you be my butter?

54. God was showing off when he made you.

55. Is your name Elmo? Because I want to tickle you all over.

56. Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice.

57. Hi, are you here to meet a nice guy/gal or will I do?

58. Aieeeah! Your eyes glow like the twin suns!

59. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

60. I'm The Man in Demand

61. There's a star in the sky for every time I think of you

62. Hi, I'm incredibly rich.

63. I've noticed you noticing me and I'm just giving you notice that I've noticed you!

64. Do you have a boyfriend?

65. I know somebody who likes you but if I weren't so shy, I'd tell you who.

66. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?

67. Statistically speaking, the most effective pickup line of all time is "I love you".

68. You must be a parking ticket (or book), because you have fine written all over you.

69. Excuse me, do you have the time? Woman: No. Man: Well I have the time and it says I have time for you alllll the time

70. Can I dip you in chocolate?

71. Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with me like a nice little fellow?

72. Hi, what's your name? Did you go to (put in a place) yesterday? (No) Oh right, that was in my dream.

73. I heard milk does a body good but man, how much have you been drinking?

74. If love were a drop of water, I'd be in the Atlantic Ocean.

75. If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for fear of losing you.

76. You know what I fell in? (What?) Love with you.

77. Excuse me, do you have Band-aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you.

78. Was your Dad in the Air Force? Because you're the bomb.

79. Hi, my name is (insert your name here)

80. Life without you is like a pencil without lead, pointless.

81. I'm a genetic engineer and I need to utilize your body for a stem cell experiment. It shouldn't hurt too bad.

82. My love for you is like diarrhea; I can't hold it in.

83. I think I've seen your picture somewhere. Oh yes, it was in the dictionary under SHA-BAM!

84. You're so hot that you make the sun jealous.

85. Do you know what the square root of 81 is? (Hopefully they say nine) Oh, then you are not just another pretty face.

86. I lost my teddy bear. Can I cuddle with you instead?

87. You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.

88. Hey c'mon now, I'm ugly, you're ugly, it's perfect.

89. Can I borrow your library card, because I'd like to check you out!

90. I should call the police because you're stealing my heart.

06-20-2005, 09:07 PM
91. You're more beautiful than 100 pink flamingos on a golf course.

92. I can't wait until tomorrow. Somehow you get prettier every day.

93. If wishes came true I'd be having dinner with you tonight.

94. Girl: I'm sorry, I can't talk right now, I have a(n) (some instrument) lesson. Guy: (instrument)? I thought angels played harps.

95. Excuse me, you look sexy, what's your name?

96. If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.

97. Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business, and speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?

98. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

99. ASL?

100. Can I have your heart? I need it to be complete and I don't feel whole without you.

101. It's never easy meeting a complete stranger, especially one as beautiful as you, without being properly introduced. But shall we try anyway?

102. Gently rub the girl's back and say, "I thought angels had wings."

103. You must be the cause of global warming.

104. I don't think a firefighter could put you out.

105. It looks like you need a man in your life. How about me?

106. Um, you have really beautiful...uh...eyes, yea. You are pretty. What I mean is...you have a nice forehead, er ah...Do you believe in when I walk by...(To yourself) Oh man, STUPID STUPID STUPID!

107. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

108. Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.

109. Are you a broom? Because you sure swept me off my feet.

110. If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be black at night.

111. You're looking sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that has been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye.

112. I think we should be lab partners because you and I have chemistry.

113. I don't know if it's igneous or metamorphic, but baby, you rock.

114. Did you know the distance from here (touch one side of the girl's shoulder) to here (touch other side of shoulder so your arm is around her) is the same distance from here (touch same spot last touched) to here (grab her around the waist)

115. Kiss me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to go out with me?

116. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

117. I thought Veryfine only came in a bottle.

118. (Walk up to them, place an ice cube on the floor and crush it with your foot) Now that we've broken the ice, what's your name?

119. If I were a tear drop I would be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

120. If you're here, who's running heaven?

121. Do you know Karate? Because your body is kickin'

122. I'm going to put this tear of mine in the ocean. When you find it I'll stop loving you.

123. If I were you I would go out with me.

124. Do you work for NASA? Because you're outta this world.

125. Walk up to a girl and look at the tag on the back of her shirt. When she asks what you're doing tell her your checking to see if she was made in heaven.

126. I couldn't pay attention in school (or work) today because I couldn't stop thinking about you.

127. Would you like a coolata, because you are ahota.

128. You're the marshmallows in my Lucky Charms.

129. If I ran McDonald's I'd name a sandwich after you called "The McGorgeous."

130. If I were a gardner, I'd plant your tulips next to mine.

131. Is there an airport near by or is that my heart taking off?

132. Did you hear the latest health report? You need to increase your daily intake of vitamin me.

133. One night I looked up at the stars and thought "Wow, how beautiful." Now that I'm looking at you, nothing else can compare.

134. May I borrow some of the chapstick you're wearing?

135. I have an owie on my lip, will you kiss it and make it better?

136. Hey good lookin' what'chya cookin'?

137. Love is when you don't want to go to sleep because reality is better than a dream. After seeing you, I don't ever want to sleep again.

138. Let's hide behind a rock and get a little bolder.

139. How much does a Polar Bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi, my name is (insert name here).

140. Girl: Have we met before? Guy: Only in my dreams.

141. You better stop, drop and roll right now cause you're on fire!

142. Have you ever heard the Pina Colada song, because I want you to come with me and escape.

143. Watching you is like watching the sun rise with the morning dew, but there is one difference - you're better.

144. Jealousy is for everyone else because they don't have you.

145. If you were a pirate would you put your parrot on this shoulder (touch girl's shoulder) or this shoulder? (touch other shoulder and keep arm there)

146. Ever wonder why you have spaces between your fingers? (A: So my fingers can fit there)

147. Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made from the best stuff on earth.

148. Let's make like fabric softener and snuggle!

149. If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.

150. Pick up a pack of sugar and hand it to a girl, saying, "Here, you dropped your name tag."

06-22-2005, 11:16 PM
Why Athletes shouldn't be role models...

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want
all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to
copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three,
then line up in a circle."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how
to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece:
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.";
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every
level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of
what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7- 27
record in1992:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I
just can't figure out where else to play."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked after a loss
what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no
good officiating."
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed
to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told
a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."
And the Gem
Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his
wife on all road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly
to kiss goodbye."

07-28-2005, 10:15 PM
Last Day on the Job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

07-28-2005, 10:27 PM
> >
> > There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one
> >drink.The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
> >half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted
> >out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one
> >pile in front of his wife.
> >
> >
> > He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the
> >cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger,
> >the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell
> >they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one
> >meal for the two of them".
> >
> >
> > As the man began to eat his fries a y oung man came to the table.
> >He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
> >said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
> >
> >
> >
> > The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
> >bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
> >turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them
> >to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No,
> >thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
> >
> >
> > As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
> >napkin, the young man again came over and once again offered to buy more
> >food. After once again having his offer refused, he finally asked the
> >little old lady " What is it you are waiting for?"
> >
> >
> > She answered....
> >
> >
> >
> > This is great)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > *
> >
> >
> >
> > *
> >
> >
> >
> > *
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "THE TEETH".

08-19-2005, 08:51 PM

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

08-21-2005, 12:00 AM
Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.

08-21-2005, 12:03 AM
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

08-21-2005, 12:05 AM
Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

09-13-2005, 09:25 PM
Pretending to be married...

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At around 1:00 in the morning, he leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied.??? Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea," he exclaimed..

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damned blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

09-14-2005, 07:39 PM
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right
after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a
big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin
and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or
we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found
the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on
his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have
rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to
Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt
sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his
shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come
here for the hunting, do you?"

09-15-2005, 10:26 PM
Overheard at an auction sale:
"Sold to the lady with her husband's hand over her mouth."

Moshe is driving in Jerusalem and he's late for
a meeting. He's looking for a parking place,
but can't find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven, and says:
"G-d, if you find me a parking place, I promise that
I'll eat only Kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the
holidays ...."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.
He turns his face up to heaven, and says
"Don't bother, G-d, I just found one ...."

09-19-2005, 07:52 PM
Robber: Give me the money, or you'll be geography.

Teller: You mean history.

Robber: Don't change the subject.

09-22-2005, 08:13 PM
There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that
took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump
off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
below skipping along and whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless
and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and
he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway ?"

He said " I'm NOT happy, my ass
itches." --------------------------------------------------------

09-28-2005, 09:20 PM
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a
woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with
that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop,
"what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop
stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work
my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell
do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and
park him behind a bridge..."

10-01-2005, 10:18 PM
Smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a swimming pool.

10-01-2005, 10:58 PM
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists kidnapped President Bush and are asking for a $10 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We are going from car to car to take up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving on average?"
"About a gallon."

10-05-2005, 09:17 PM
One more Pharmacist... (http://funnywodan.dyndns.org/display/fun/2005/10/04/One+more+Pharmacist...)

A lady enters a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law ! I'll lose my license.
They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen !
Absolutely not !
No, You can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

10-05-2005, 09:18 PM
Polish Doctor (http://funnywodan.dyndns.org/display/fun/2005/10/04/Polish+Doctor)

A man from Poland goes to an optometrist who asks him to read the letters off the chart:

"C Z W X N Q S T A C Z"

"Can you read this?" the optometrist asks.

"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"

10-07-2005, 08:59 PM
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named BOOK

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval. An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

-Author unknown

10-12-2005, 11:21 PM
Первый урок, английский для начинающих:
Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?

Второй урок, английский для продвинутых учеников:
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Третий и последний урок, английский для абсолютных профессионалов: Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?

10-15-2005, 04:46 AM
O'Sullivan, Cabot, Kelly and Mendlebaum was one of the most successful law firms in New York. Of all the partners, Mendlebaum brought in the most business.

Lunching with him one day, a curious friend asked, "Why is your name listed last? O'Sullivan spends most of his time in the south of France. Cabot is at his club's bar every afternoon, and Kelly is at the race track all the time. Since you bring in all the business, your name should be first."

To which Mendlebaum replied,"All my clients read from right to left."

10-15-2005, 04:52 AM
Crossing out words - Sermon from G-d

A boy was watching his father, a rabbi, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A Rabbi, a Cantor, and the President of a Shul were taking a ride in Colombia to discuss some plans for the high holidays. They were kidnapped and the kidnappers were asking for $10,000.000 ransom money. The community, for lack of funds, was not able to pay such an exorbitant fee. They were each given one last wish.
The Rabbi said: "I worked so hard preparing my holiday speech. Please give me the opportunity to say it."

The Cantor said: "I prepared a beautiful new melody for Kol Nidrei. It will take 45 minutes. I would like to sing it."

"After hearing the other two requests," the president said "I beg you, please shoot me first!"

10-15-2005, 05:14 AM
Palestinian Help
[Gaza City] After relief groups have successfully ended negotiations with the U.S. about assistance for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Palestinian spokesperson for the Red Crescent Society, Farouk El-Farouk has confirmed their nation's participation in the relief effort. It was confirmed that at 9:15am this-morning, 4 plane-loads of volunteers from Gaza and the West Bank left Amman, bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting.


Avrahom and Betty were very worried. They had just received an invitation to a very high-class wedding but couldn't figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP. "If only our son, the graduate, was here, he'd know," sighed Betty, as Avrahom left for work. She pondered the problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Avrahom at the shop. "Darling, I've figured it out," she said, "RSVP means Remember Send Vedding Present."

10-15-2005, 05:20 AM
This is a true story...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her
voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping
bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large

No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

10-15-2005, 05:24 AM
When my grandfather left Europe in 1935,
there was graffiti all over the walls saying:

Jews, go to Palestine!

And now when I visit Europe,the graffiti says:

Jews, get out of Palestine!

What short memories the Europeans have!!

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000-year-old optical fibres and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters, Israeli scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wire-less technology.

10-15-2005, 05:35 AM
A man is speeding the highway at 1 a.m.
A policeman stops him and asks, "Where are you racing at this hour?"
"To a lecture," the man responds.
"Who will give you a lecture at this hour," the policeman asks.
"My wife," was the reply.

Bernard, an elderly Jew, is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but Sarah, his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
Bernard returns home, and Sarah says –
"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" ["So? What did the doctor say?"]
"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]
"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"
"I don't know -- he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."
Well, by this time Sarah is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My Bernard was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"
Neighbour #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky."
Neighbour #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."
Cold, heat! Oy! Now thoroughly agitated, Sarah decides to call the doctor herself.
"Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him... nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."

10-15-2005, 05:39 AM
David is driving in Jerusalem.
He's late for a meeting; he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "G-d, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, keep Shabbos, and all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.
He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one."

President Nixon asks Prime Minister Golda Meir to send General Moshe Dayan to the US in return for any three generals she wants. Golda agrees. "We'll give you General Dayan. You give us General Motors, General Electric, and General Telephone."

10-15-2005, 05:44 AM
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews. The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.

Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods

10-15-2005, 05:46 AM
Все анекдоты - от раббая из женского Уэлсли колледжа.

10-15-2005, 02:58 PM
Оверхеард ат ан ауцтион сале:
"Солд то тхе лады щитх хер хусбандьс ханд овер хер моутх."

Моше ис дривинг ин Йерусалем анд хеьс лате фор
а меетинг. Хеьс лоокинг фор а паркинг плаце,
бут цаньт финд оне.
Ин десператион, хе турнс тощардс хеавен, анд саыс:
"Г-д, иф ёу финд ме а паркинг плаце, И промисе тхат
Иьлл еат онлы Кошер, респецт Шаббас, анд алл тхе
холидаыс ...."
Мирацулоуслы, а плаце опенс уп юст ин фронт оф хим.
Хе турнс хис фаце уп то хеавен, анд саыс
"Доньт ботхер, Г-д, И юст фоунд оне ...."

Накос, прошу прощение за то, что повторил Ваш анекдот. Но честное слово, я его слышал по пути в Н-Й в феврале...

10-18-2005, 11:07 PM
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that
for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name-they
just moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche
for fifteen dollars ."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned th e mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows
what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off
to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He
claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him
the money. So I
did." --------------------------------------------------------

10-19-2005, 01:19 AM
The Dutchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have gin."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The Scotsman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have whisky."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes

10-19-2005, 09:03 PM
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best
friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."
So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it
"If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing.
So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said...
...BAD DOG!"

10-23-2005, 10:02 PM
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
One said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" The
other replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?"

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up
to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine
her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a
voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH

10-23-2005, 10:07 PM
A female blonde was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
cop who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see
the blonde's driver's license.
The driver dug through her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she asked.
The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it
and handed it to the cop.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it
back saying, "Okay,you can go. I didn't realize you
were a cop."

10-25-2005, 03:22 AM
The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE.' He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on,I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, "guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess." :evillaugh

10-25-2005, 03:28 AM
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty

1. 85% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 5% say they don't care; they love him;
he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.


10-28-2005, 09:55 PM
The phone rang. The lady of the house answered. "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."


"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When the doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples
from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which
one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked. "Well, one Mr. Ward has tested
positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which
your husband's is." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally, yes but Medicare won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in
the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

10-30-2005, 09:11 PM
An elderly gentleman carefully walked to the drug store there in the
neighborhood and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist asked "How
many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into
four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That is too small a dose. That won't get
you through sex." The old fellow said, "Oh, I am past eighty-five years old
and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

A camel and an elephant met. The elephant asked the camel: "Why do you have
your breasts on your back?" The camel, clearly irritated by the outrage of
modesty, replied: "What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his

10-30-2005, 09:29 PM
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of
standing cock

10-31-2005, 03:43 PM
Девки спорили на даче
У кого пизда лохмаче.
Оказалось, что лохмаче
У самой хозяйки дачи.

Girls had fight at country hut
Over who"s the hairest cunt.
Well, more hair of the most
Had the beaver of the host.

11-01-2005, 05:00 PM
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want
to offend you"

She answers," My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1,
you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his
fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween

11-08-2005, 08:16 PM
A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a
secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no
to everything." "Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl stammered. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a
lot of fun if you're on the level about this."

Colin was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.
Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found Colin
standing there with no shirt and no shoes or socks on. "What the hell are
you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said Colin.
"I just came in my pants!"

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar
and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his
face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting
married, but what's up - you look so excited!" The groom replies, "I just
had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying
the wonderful woman who gave it to me." Now the bride comes walking down the
aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid
of honour notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to
be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!" The bride replies
"I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

11-08-2005, 08:20 PM
Two couples went on a vacation together. One of the men stated, "Our sex
life has become routine and fairly predictable, don't you ever get tired of
your wife?" "I know exactly what you mean, I wonder if our wives will
consent to swapping." Much to their amazement the women consented to the
arrangement. Early the next morning the husbands compared notes. "How was
it?" "Wonderful, I haven't had this much fun in ages!" "Me, too. Now
let's go see how the ladies made out."

11-16-2005, 08:24 PM
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very
delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

11-16-2005, 08:58 PM
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup
and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Actually," said the Director,
"A normal person would just pull the plug.
So tell me,
do you want a room an East view or a West view?"

11-16-2005, 09:41 PM
Her side versus his...


Her side of the story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink.
I had spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might
have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't
say anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset,
but I could tell there was something wrong.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to some
place intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant
and he was still acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did
I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was
it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said
no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply
and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant
because you know he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me. So
I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes,
he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But he still seemed really
distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried
myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really
think he's seeing someone else.


His side of the story:

Played badly today -- shot 87 - can't putt. Felt kinda tired. Got laid

11-16-2005, 09:46 PM

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle

11-16-2005, 09:48 PM
Mark Twain once said, "The difference between the right word and the wrong word is like the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."

Here are examples of what he was talking about:

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:

In a Laundromat:

In a London department store:

In an office:

In an office:

Outside a secondhand shop:

Notice in health food shop window:

Spotted in a safari park:

Seen during a conference:

Notice in a field:

Message on a leaflet:

On a repair shop door:

11-17-2005, 11:03 PM
38 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiement in artifical stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts

11-30-2005, 05:18 PM
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's bir thday. His
wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for
me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

11-30-2005, 10:26 PM
Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best One Liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..." I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times-three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy-for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

11-30-2005, 10:48 PM
The Simple Guide to Economics Using Cows

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a CaymanIsland company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

You have two cows. Both are mad.

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

You have two cows. You worship them.

You have two cows. you curry them and have a lime.

The simple Guide to Politics, using Cows
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

You have two cows. You have to take care of them and the government takes all the milk.

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

You have two cows. Your neighbour decides who gets the milk.

You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors take the cows and kill you.

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cows wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

12-09-2005, 03:14 PM
A Jewish man was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A
>of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this
>phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him and said:
>"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab
>Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspapers, but what did I
>Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing
>assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty!
>So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all
>banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews
>world. The news is so much better!"

12-09-2005, 09:19 PM
BUSH is another word for CUNT!!!!

12-19-2005, 10:39 AM
Freudian Slip

Two guys were having a beer after work one day, enjoying casual
conversation. One says the the other, "Did you say
something that really came out the wrong way and embarrassed the hell
out of you? Just the other day, I was at the airport on
my way to a conference. The lady at the ticket counter was a real
knockout, with a low cut blouse and short skirt. What I
meant to say was "I need one round trip to Pittsburgh", but what I
really said was "I need one round trip picket to Tittsburgh."
Boy, was I embarassed!"

"Yeah, I know what you mean", replied his buddy. "Yesterday morning I
was having breakfast with my wife. What I meant to
say was "Honey, would you please pass the sugar?" But what I really said
was "You dumb fucking cunt! My life has been
miserable since the day we met."

12-23-2005, 11:28 AM
The best toast (in an Irish accent)

John O'Mally hoisted his beer and
said, "Here's to spending the Rest of me life, between the legs of me
That won him the top prize at the pub for the
best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the best Toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
A few days later Mary ran into on e of John's
drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and
said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about
you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last
four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come

12-24-2005, 07:42 PM
Первый урок, английский для начинающих:

"Три ведьмы разглядывают трое часов "Свотч". Какая из ведьм разглядывает какие часы?"

Теперь по английски!

Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?

Второй урок, английский для продвинутых учеников:

"Три ведьмы-трансвеститки разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из ведьм-трансвеститок разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?"

Теперь по английски!

Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Третий и последний урок, английский для абсолютных профессионалов:

"Три швейцарских ведьмы-сучки, желающих изменить свой пол, разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из швейцарских ведьм-сучек, желающих изменить свой пол,разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?"

Теперь по английски!

Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch switch?

12-25-2005, 02:23 PM
Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and Chanukah you will know what and how to answer! 1 Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out For Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts*, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We allhave the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home. 2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with theSame theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let'seat. 3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf. 4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc. 5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah. 6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis. 7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All YeFaithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully? 8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once. 9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. 10. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights. 11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history. 12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her,and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink". 13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!

12-31-2005, 09:42 AM
Just Married

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a
very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got
up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a
half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he
again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few
more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic
diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves
as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was
moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool
would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the
pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about
thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and laid down
on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
"No", she said, "I was a hooker in Halifax and I worked both sides
of the harbour."

01-18-2006, 10:55 PM
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill
Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with

the proposition that they were nearly identical stories ! His cool

professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99

Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

01-18-2006, 10:56 PM
A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.
> He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
> the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
> She said to tell you that she wanted a
> Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."
> The saleslady said, "We don't get as many requests
> for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra
> or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
> Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"
> The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The catholic type
> supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
> Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright." Religious Scientist Bra is knowing all is
> uplifting,
> He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
> "They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".
> And, if you need more bra info - here's some more:
> Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G,
> & H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes?
> Well, if you've ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code:
> A. Almost Boobs
> B. Barely Boobs
> C. Can't complain
> D. Dang!
> DD. Double Dang!
> E. Enormous
> F. Fake
> G. Get a reduction

01-18-2006, 10:59 PM
Old Men Can Still Think Fast

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly
shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young

women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

01-20-2006, 04:03 PM
European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".

This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".

This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas.

01-20-2006, 09:18 PM
Married Priest And Nun

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a
small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one
bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll
sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the
nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the
blanket, and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift
off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold." He
unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the
sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he
remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the
wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own fucking blanket!"

01-20-2006, 09:29 PM
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had
to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim
that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12
year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit
that he also had a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My
penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with
that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant
size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon.
Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants
she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find
out what was wrong.

"You told me you penis was the size of an infant!", she said.
"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

01-26-2006, 08:21 PM
Man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets
into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to
Frank every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to
order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me.

I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never
answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always
immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his F***ing widow."

02-04-2006, 02:36 AM
5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2005

>Smart Ass Answer #5:
>A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
>As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
>his trench coat and flashed at her.
>Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not
>your stub."
>Smart Ass Answer #4:
>A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
>she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
>"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
>The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
>Smart Ass Answer #3:
>The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
>rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
>The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
>cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
>Smart Ass Answer #2:
>A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
>reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right
>of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for
>Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
>the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck,
>The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
>A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
>"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
>tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
>or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no
>excuses whatsoever!"
>A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
>would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
>sexual exhaustion?"
>The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence
>restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
>and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
>other hand."

02-09-2006, 02:13 PM
In a sign that he plans to continue his policy of domestic eavesdropping,
President Bush said today that he had ordered the CIA to start aggressively
recruiting in-laws.

02-09-2006, 07:30 PM
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and

listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy,

God bless Daddy,

God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the

thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange

coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and

listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy,

God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father,

this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when

the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got

up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the

clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of

the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and

jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of

relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,

what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it,

I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what

happened to me.

This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

02-16-2006, 10:03 PM
Teacher asked: "Which part of the body goes to heaven first?" A kid replied:
"The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH

Teacher: "Why did you bring your cat to school?" Pupil: "Because I heard my
sister's boyfriend say, "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".

A man approached a very beautiful woman in WAL-MART and said, "I've lost my
wife here at WAL-MART. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The
woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I
talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere...."

02-17-2006, 12:03 PM
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling 25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

02-17-2006, 08:06 PM
This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer
and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is
your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy
responds "No." "Then you can't have one." A while later, the granddad pulls
out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?" Grandpa says "Is
your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy
responds "No." "Then you can't have one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go
to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is
unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great,
your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is
your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa."Then go
fuck yourself!"

02-17-2006, 08:06 PM
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat
on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached
her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you
know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said
the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." But, madam, you must
know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The
woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you
see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Дуня Китаева
02-18-2006, 05:42 AM
Notes about Free Upgrade

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, PubNight 7.0, and Excuses 5.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
A "Don't remind me again" button
Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.
*** UPGRADE VERSION *****************
Although advertised as being Plug'n'Play, installing the Upgrade version of Wife 1.0 results in several of the better features of Girlfriend 1.0 refusing to continue working. The supposed compatibility with Fast-Car 3.6 & Ski Holiday 6.2 is also flawed, and launching these applications results in strange noises and error messages.
Wife 1.0 also appears to be totally incompatible with all previous versions of BEST MATE, and some users have reported that continued use of BEST MATE can lead to unwanted sharing of resources and I/O ports unless the System Agent is installed as a background task. *** SUMMARY *******************************
It appears that Girlfriend 1.0 is still one of the best products on the market, especially just after installation. Though not as much fun as CASUALSHAG 63.8 for the power user, it remains relatively reliable and easy on system resources. The timeout feature of Girlfriend is the major problem, and in severe cases can force the user to upgrade to Wife 1.0 with dire consequences on system health.

02-21-2006, 09:48 PM
A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
anything to show my gratitude."
"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
and take that damn dog for a walk!"

02-21-2006, 09:50 PM
What men do after sex? 2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go
to sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.

Why is your penis better than a credit card? (a) Once spent it recharges
itself. (b) It is accepted worldwide. (c)You can let your wife use it as
much as she wants.

Little girl: "Mommy, I just found out that our neighbour's son has a penis
like a peanut!" Mum: "You mean it's small?" Little girl: "No it's salty!"

Women top 5 lies: from the whitest down 5. I am a virgin. 4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend. 2. I won't gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!

02-21-2006, 09:52 PM
Mum: "Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T". And
if he touches your pussy say STOP!" Girl : But mum, he touched both, so I
told him DON'T STOP!"

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that
he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went
into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store.
Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a
local farm girl. He approached and asked her, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can... until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain
wild and crazy!"

02-21-2006, 09:57 PM
Jenny was so tired trying to do it all, but one evening, she arrived home
from work to find the children fed, bathed, & doing homework, one load of
clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the
table set. She was astonished -- something was up. It turns out that Ralph
had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their
own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next
day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph
even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what
about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was
too tired..."

02-24-2006, 09:45 PM
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,". "Just be
quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail
until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I
said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer
looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count
on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

02-24-2006, 09:46 PM
On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
As traffic began to pile up in all directions, a woman rushed to help him.
As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed
her aside, and said, "It's all right, honey. I've had a course in first
aid." She stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and prepared to
administer artificial respiration. Then she tapped him on the shoulder.
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already

02-28-2006, 06:50 PM
The Telephone ring.........

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone

failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring,

her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene,

curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set,

and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away,

but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
6. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

02-28-2006, 09:23 PM
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of
their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old
lady, "I know just what you're wanting.
For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa
over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,
and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging
down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."

03-01-2006, 06:57 PM
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there
lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after
a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing
very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister
continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member
of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking
that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my
flock of loyal followers." Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to
one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

03-01-2006, 07:02 PM
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of
the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been
giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much.
I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The
doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side
effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."

03-07-2006, 08:37 PM
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was
pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a
baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she
had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her
seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. Sir, she said, I just
received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with
someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her
about being pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his
experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying
eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of
his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy. He added, "but confidentially, I
changed cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me

03-07-2006, 08:38 PM
A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay. But it
won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another
drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good." He invites her up to his
apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good." They get to
his apartment and he says,
"You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my
wife.". She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

03-07-2006, 08:39 PM
Sister Mary walks into the Mother Superiors office and confesses "I have
been having sex with the new Minister at St. Judes, what shall I do for
penance?" The Mother Superior says "first you can suck a lemon" "Oh" says
Sister Mary "will that make me holy again" "No" says the Mother Superior
"but it will take that contented smirk of your face"

03-07-2006, 08:46 PM
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants
a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini
line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So
the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs
him to put a Santa Claus with "Merry Christmas" Up on her left thigh. So the
guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting
dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell
me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She said, "I'm
sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing
good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

03-07-2006, 08:50 PM
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific
problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed
lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she
replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor
answered, "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in
men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much
you lose when you have your period?" After calculating for a moment, the
hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

03-09-2006, 08:38 PM

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One
afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass
bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but
soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss
Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to
the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease.

"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

03-09-2006, 08:54 PM
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the
porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa
what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance
and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at
him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a
stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

03-11-2006, 03:32 PM
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

03-13-2006, 07:27 PM
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very
nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,
climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,
entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.

This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again
straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd
learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so
fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly
be gone before she was already touching the other end. She did laps in
freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed
in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely
breathing heavy.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

No, she said, "I was a hooker in St. Louis Missouri and I worked both sides
of the river."

03-14-2006, 10:03 AM
Obedient wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he
died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money
and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of
her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the
casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his
wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready
to close the casket, the wife said.
just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and
put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and
they rolled it away. So her friend said. "Girl, I know you weren't
foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The
loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket
with him." You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with
him!!! "I sure did." Said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into
my account and wrote him a check.
IF he can cash it, he can spend it."

03-14-2006, 04:08 PM
A man living in Africa suffered terribly with psoriasis, had it for 25
yrs, seen every Dr. available, driving him mad. He was talking to a
bloke he knew vaguely one day, and this chap said " Why don't you see a
Sangoma (witch doctor)in the township " This was something he hadn't
thought about, so next day off he went. The Sangoma looked at him and
said, "You must kill your good friend, chop him up , boil him down, and
skim off the fat from the pot , let it cool and set. When it is set you
must rub it in over all the infected skin.

The man thought that it was a bit over the top, and for a few days he
thought about it. The irritation was especially bad a few days later, so
the chap rang his chum up and said " Come over for a few beers". When
his chum arrived ,he struck him heavily with a large hammer, cut him up,
boiled him down and skimmed off the fat as he'd been told. After 3
applications there was marvellous relief. The man was jubilant, and
rushed off to see the sangoma. He asked the sangoma " What do you call
this magic medicine ?" The sangoma replied
Palo'mine lotion.

03-15-2006, 09:29 PM
> A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end
> her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
> But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young
> sailor stopped her.
> "You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe
> tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship.
> I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
> With nothing to lose, the woman accepted.
> That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
> then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to
> her until dawn.
> Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
> inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
> "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings
> me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."
> "He certainly is," replied the captain.
> "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

03-15-2006, 09:31 PM
A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a
> Black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is
> your name?"
> "I can't tell you" the black man says. Every night they meet and
> every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the
> same, he can't tell her.
> On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me
> your name? "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the
> Black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
> "Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
> And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and
> says, "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "I'm not making
> fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell
> him that I had 10 i! nches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!"

03-15-2006, 10:11 PM
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride
comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud
husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The
beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh,
aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your
picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can
carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her
picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing
his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married
now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let
me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it

03-15-2006, 10:16 PM
Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.

03-17-2006, 07:05 PM
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
women may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is
a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes
of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a
catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to
go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and
are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs,
love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a
strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited....

03-17-2006, 07:36 PM
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health,largely due to
the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare
vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine
silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the masterbath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven.
This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a
championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any
ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free,every

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,
with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to
steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it
is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the
decaffeinated tea?" He asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or
sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or ...

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said,
"You and your f---ing bran muffins.
We could have been here ten years ago!"

03-18-2006, 11:51 AM
(часть 3)

NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you.

NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

OMANISM: You have three cows. They are all healthy and produce good quality milk for sale at the market. Unfortunately, your son discovers that the money he received at the market can be used to buy beer. Your grand expansion plans for a new high-tech farm are put on hold indefinitely.

PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.

PEROTISM: You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.

PLATONISM: You have two cows. You look for two other cows to milk.

PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.

QATARISM: You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realizes that cows can produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing, you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.

REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

SAUDIISM: You have two cows. Since milking the cow involves nipples, the government decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other side.

SIMPSONISM: Don't have a cow man!

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor.

SOCIALISM -- BUREAUCRATIC: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

SOCIALISM -- PURE: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

SURREALISM: You have two aardvarks. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.

TALIBANISM: You have two cows. At first, the government makes them wear burkas, but later shoots them because "they are Hindu religious symbols."

UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

YEMENISM: You once had a cow. But then it got kidnapped.


03-18-2006, 12:02 PM
(Часть 2)

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN - CASTRO STYLE: Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since 1985.

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They sailed to Miami. You still have no milk - but you do have Fidel.

COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. Well, maybe the local bully gets more, or a few neighbors band together to kill you so that there is more milk for everyone else.

COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You count them and realize you have
four cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again and realize you have eleventy six cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while, you realize that eleventy isn't a real number. You count the cows again and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy four cows.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. A vote is held, and the cows win.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You go bankrupt.

DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports where there's no violence.

DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN (a republic): You have two cows. The government exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who are sovereign. The majority does not rule because the people and their representatives (elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various checks and balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the three co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see, e.g., Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows and with the milk from those cows depends on the interaction between the people and the checks and balances mentioned above.

DEMOCRACY -- BRITISH: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

DEMOCRACY -- REPRESENTATIVE: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts you.

DUBAISM: You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legitimate and shady investors who hope to resell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years' time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cows first to attract attention.

EGYPTIANISM: You have two cows. Both are voting for Moooooobarak!

EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two goats. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).

EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two cows. The EU develops a quota system that "limits the gas emissions from flatulent cows." You sell your carbon allotment, not the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and the government sells it.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it into military service.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FRISBEETARIANISM: You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You hope the government provides cow ladders.

IDEALISM: You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.

INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

IRAQISM: The British Government sends in a herd of 20 cows in a trial run to help a village outside Basra. The villagers are extremely grateful for the extra milk and the health of the children improves daily. A terrorist group then kidnaps the cows and accuses them of being traitors to "the cause." The terrorists then produce signed confessions from the cows and systematically assassinates each one in front of Al Jazeera television cameras.

KUWAITISM: Upon hearing how popular cows are in the Gulf region, a group of young male Kuwaitis buy a herd. Unfortunately, they attach so many accessories (ski-racks, 3500 watt sub-woofers, nipple lights, etc.) that the cows almost collapse under the weight and/or embarrassment. The herd are all tragically killed in a massive pile-up while their owners are attempting to perform donuts by the Towers.

LEBANONISM: You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by the government.

LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.

LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. You let them do what they want.

LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

MARXISM/LENINISM: The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cowherds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrate over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

Продолжение следует:
см. Часть 3

03-18-2006, 12:04 PM
You have two cows. The government....

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You steal your neighbor's bull and ignore the government.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal another one. You ignore the government.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor hits you over the head with a brick, steals your cows, then shoots them for fun. You later discover that he is a Nazi.

ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

ARTIST -- VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.

BAHRAINISM: You have two cows. Some high government official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The government tells you there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the government and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to milk all the cows at the same time to cut back on unemployment.

BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in Europe.

BRITISH -- MAJOR: You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the all clear, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don't have time to milk them.

BUREAUCRACY -- EUROPEAN UNION: You have two cows. The EU loses one cow, milks the other and then spills the milk.

BUREAUCRACY -- UNITED STATES: You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.

CANADIANISM: You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, throws away the milk and you shoot yourself.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CAPITALISM -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate.

CAPITALISM -- HONG KONG: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the cows.

CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You lock them up, and charge people to look at them.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows. The government sells the milk in government stores. You can't afford the milk. You wither away.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a little milk ... once.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.

COMMUNISM -- CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

COMMUNISM -- CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk, but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE - MAO STYLE: You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.

Продолжение следует:
см. Часть 2

03-18-2006, 04:37 PM
Молодой человек приходит в четырехэтажный универсам, подходит к прилавку на первом этаже и говорит продавцу:
-Скажите, у вас есть запись Дюны?
На что продавец отвечает: Вы знаете, поднимитесь-ка на четвертый этаж. Там у нас покемоны продаются, может и запиз*юны найдутся :lol2:
with love, Ветошь

03-21-2006, 09:06 PM
Two guys, Peter and Paul, are talking in a bar after having had a few. Paul
asks, "Say Pete, if I slept with your wife, would we still be friends?" "No"
"Well, would we still be pals?" "No" "Oh, we'd be enemies I suppose?" "No"
"Well what would we be then?" "We'd be even!"

03-21-2006, 09:21 PM
The doctor told his patient,
"I'm afraid you only have three weeks to live".

The patient replied, "Then I'll take the last two weeks in July
and the week between Christmas and New Year."

03-21-2006, 10:58 PM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a
little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

03-22-2006, 05:09 PM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great
and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant
with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a
One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared
a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's
edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent
creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as
if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'. Miraculously,
two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of
that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

03-22-2006, 05:27 PM

Dear Diary...

For my birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.
is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

Some people need more love than they deserve!

03-22-2006, 07:22 PM
This is a true story...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her
voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping
bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large

No charges were filed.

03-22-2006, 07:23 PM
Palestinian Help
[Gaza City] After relief groups have successfully ended negotiations with the U.S. about assistance for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Palestinian spokesperson for the Red Crescent Society, Farouk El-Farouk has confirmed their nation's participation in the relief effort. It was confirmed that at 9:15am this-morning, 4 plane-loads of volunteers from Gaza and the West Bank left Amman, bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting.

03-22-2006, 07:26 PM
A woman wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for
the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a
circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER

Startled, the woman moved further down the ice, poured a cup of
cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH

The woman, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite
end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"


03-22-2006, 08:13 PM
Q: Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?
> A: Because it's the nearest you can get to water.

Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.

03-23-2006, 01:27 PM
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03-23-2006, 08:43 PM
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile
. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to
zip down."

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young
girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".

03-23-2006, 08:44 PM
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control
company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when
her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, " into the closet!" and she pushed him
in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him. "
I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said. "Those little devils."

03-23-2006, 08:47 PM

03-27-2006, 10:50 PM
An Asian lady married an English gentleman and they lived
happily ever after in London.
However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did
manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation,
lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't
know how to say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the
butcher her breast.

The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy wieners (sausages).
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to
the store.......

(Please scroll the page down)

What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!

Now get back to work..

03-28-2006, 09:18 PM
How To Prepare Chicken

A waiter asks a man, ³May I take your order, sir?²

³Yes,² the man replies. ³I¹m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare
your chickens?²

³Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they¹re going
to die.²

03-28-2006, 09:22 PM
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter,
suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus,
do we have any more eggs?" Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only
have two rotten eggs left." The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's
so bombed he won't know the difference." Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs
and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs
down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks,
"Where'd you get those eggs?" She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster? "No," she says. The drunk replies,
"Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

03-28-2006, 09:23 PM
A little Thomas comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks,
"Well, what did you learn today?" Little Thomas replies, "Not enough. They
want me to come back tomorrow."

03-28-2006, 09:29 PM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.




WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

03-29-2006, 12:05 AM
Oxymorons in common use today:
* Act naturally
* Found missing
* Resident alien
* Genuine imitation
* Airline Food
* Good grief
* Same difference
* Almost exactly
* Government organization
* Alone together
* Legally drunk
* Silent scream
* Living dead
* Small crowd
* Business ethics
* Soft rock
* Military intelligence
* Software documentation
* New classic
* Sweet sorow
* Child proof
* Now, then...
* Synthetic natural gas
* Passive aggression
* Taped live
* Clearly misunderstood
* Peace force
* Extinct life
* Temporary tax increase
* Computer jock
* Plastic glasses
* Terribly pleased
* Compuer security
* Political science
* Definite maybe
* Pretty ugly
* Diet ice cream
* Working Holiday

04-01-2006, 08:23 PM
After a lengthy study, an Argentinean scientist has discovered that people
with very low intellect read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.

04-01-2006, 08:52 PM
"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know
that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday
was that you were out playing golf."

"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested.
"And I have the fish to prove it!"

As one antique dealer admitted to another,
theirs was a strange way of making a living.

"In what other business," she asked,
"do grandparents buy something,
parents sell it, and children buy it again?"

04-02-2006, 08:34 PM
Леону понравится.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back,
the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the
honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we
returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never
heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get
me and take me home.... Please Mum!" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down!
Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me
tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too
awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so
upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the
bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

04-02-2006, 08:35 PM
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his
options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man
reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately
available, considering that money was no object. "I do have three hearts,"
said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker,
athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool
and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old,
great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third
is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!" "Yeah, but
it's from a lawyer and never been used."

04-02-2006, 08:36 PM
A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England. They
gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced
King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man pushing his way to the front of
the crowd asks, "When did that happen?" "1215," answers the guide. The man
looks at his watch and says, "Shit! Just missed it by a half hour!"

A man goes into a doctor's surgery and says, "Help! I think I'm a moth!" The
doctor says, "Well, I can't help you, I'm only a GP. You need the
psychiatrist next door. Why on earth did you come to me?" And the man says,
"Your light was on."

04-02-2006, 08:37 PM
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day
... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be
because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his
wife and asked, "What?"

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind
letting her boyfriend know it, too: "A lot of men are gonna be totally
miserable when I marry." she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And
just how many men are you planning to marry?"

04-03-2006, 10:23 AM
Subject: One Question IQ test
Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend
the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action
of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?

Think about it first before looking down for the answer...

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now

04-05-2006, 08:55 PM
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to
the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department
store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA
bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had
become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the
sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have
anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you
tried Clearasil?"

04-05-2006, 08:56 PM
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first
time her father's nakedness. Immediately, she is curious -- he has equipment
that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there,
daddy?" Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here." Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and
tells her what daddy has said. To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything
about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

04-07-2006, 09:51 PM
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the
perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back there, standing
next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going
to shit yourself when you hear the price."

04-07-2006, 09:55 PM
Для тех, кто хоть раз играл в гольф

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled P-U-T or
P-U-T-T?" she asked the instructor." P-U-T-T is correct," he replied." P-U-T
means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt
to do the same thing."

04-07-2006, 10:09 PM
Marriage Counseling

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The
counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade
listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been
married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and
kisses her passionately rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love
to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly in a very
satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here
Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf.

04-07-2006, 10:47 PM
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!"
"That is great", said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

04-07-2006, 11:11 PM
Corny Jokes

How do people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is zebra?
Twenty-six sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why don't lobsters share?
They are shellfish.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four doors they'd be chicken saloons.
What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.
When is a door not a door?
When it's a jar!
How can you get four suites for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
How do you prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
If a long dress is evening wear, what is s suit of armour?
What do hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.

04-11-2006, 03:17 PM
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart! creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death!


(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in a mans body is the tongue.


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)


04-13-2006, 04:04 PM
While watching a football game a couple weeks back, my wife and I were discussing life and death.

I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.

Some days I hate being married to a smart ass.

04-17-2006, 06:15 PM
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey,
I haven'tseen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a canon
ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to
your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into
a swordfight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a
hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew
over. I looked up and one of them s---t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose
an eye just from some bird s--t."

"It was my first day with the hook."
:cool: :evillaugh

04-18-2006, 01:28 PM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk,a carton of
eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine
lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package
of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt
to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as
she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier waging up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
since she was indeed single. She looked at her six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped
off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on
earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."

04-21-2006, 05:51 AM
-Officer, did u hit the woman with a child?
-No, sir, I hit her with a brick!


04-21-2006, 05:52 PM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

04-22-2006, 08:37 PM
"Health experts in Europe now say one carrot a day
can keep you free of colon cancer.
You know, I just hope they mean you eat it."

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!

A small girl was lost at a large shopping mall.
She approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little girl replied, "Crown Royal whisky and women with big tits."

04-26-2006, 07:28 PM
Obligatory Marine joke:

News reporter: "Now that you're back from Iraq, what's the first thing
you're going to do?"

Marine: "Fuck my wife!"

News reporter: "Well, we can't go on the air with that. How 'bout the second
thing you're going to do?"

Marine: "Then I'm gonna take off these fucking combat boots!"

Wait, the Marines have special combat boots just for that? Wow, the Marines
really are prepared for everything!

05-02-2006, 08:43 PM
> An old veteran priest, Father Pelligrini, came out of the confessional
> and said to his newly-appointed priest, "Could you hear the next few
> confessions while I take a leak?"
> The new priest said "Okay, but I should be consistent. What sort of
> penance do you give them?"
> Father Pelligrini said "I give them ten Our Fathers for mortal sins,
> and just five Our Fathers for lesser sins."
> The new priest got into the confessional, and asked "What sins have you
> committed since your last confession, my child?"
> A young girl's voice replied "Father, I gave my boyfriend a blow job."
> "Oh dear" thought the priest. Having sex is a mortal sin, but is a blow
> job a mortal sin or a lesser sin? Should I give five Our Fathers or
> ten?
> He said "Just a moment" and went to ask. Father Pelligrini wasn't
> about, so he whispered to the altar-boy "What does Father Pelligrini
> give for a blow job?"
> The altar-boy whispered back "A coke and a packet of chips!"

05-02-2006, 08:59 PM
A Lawyer's Generosity knows no bounds

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are
you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat

Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you."

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under
that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
said, "You come with us, too."

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

05-06-2006, 07:27 AM
A man goes to a dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls
a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!"
patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills".

The dentist left for a moment and when he returned, says "Here is a Viagra

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold
when I pull out your tooth."

05-08-2006, 01:33 PM
The Ten Best Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

9. This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to.

8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!

7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy.

6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?

4. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem.

3. Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

2. Who put decaf in the wrong pot?

AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.....

1. Raise your head slowly and say , ". . . . . . In Jesus Name, Amen.!

05-08-2006, 01:48 PM
---Choose your state.----
State Mottos for US license plates:

Alabama: Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Isn't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only the Kennedy's Don't Own It--Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in Our Water
Florida: Land of the Hanging, Dimpled, and Pregnant Chads
Georgia: We Put the ''Fun'' in Fundamentalism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Salami Leek Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, but Leave Your Money)
Idaho: We're More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, but the Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the ''S''
Indiana: Tidal Wave Free for 4,000 Years
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First of the Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, but That's Our Tourism
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Europe's (for Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Armed Militiamen, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here, You Freakin' Idiot!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent; You Have the Right to an Attorney.
North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's for Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY an Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer to Florida Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun by Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut the Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men

05-08-2006, 07:29 PM
The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"
"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
"What IS your name?"

05-08-2006, 07:40 PM
The news reported that It was so cold in New York City today
that some of the cabbies
had to get treated for frostbite of their middle finger

My doctor said I was paranoid.
Well, he didn't actually say it,
but I could tell he was thinking it.

IRS Auditor: "Thank you for your estimated tax return.
Now, would you like to hear
your estimated prison sentence?"

You know that you're in a tough neighborhood
when you see nine police cars
on the block and there is no doughnut shop.

Yawning is usually the act of a person
inadvertently opening his mouth
when he wishes others would close theirs.

05-09-2006, 07:40 PM
A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to stay.
He hears that room and board is available from the three old spinsters at
the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in letting strangers
stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door. His
knock is answered by Gladys. "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him.
"Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," he
answers. The other two old spinsters gather around the door. "Who's out
there? Does he look decent?" they ask. Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and
he's got a Purple Heart on." The other two heard-of-hearing spinsters giggle
and say, "The hell with what colour it is... let him in!"

05-09-2006, 07:43 PM
Never mind bad taste, anyway it's funny

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One
of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response
on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained
what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex
will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical,
but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby
finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the
woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the
room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I
think she choked."

05-10-2006, 06:09 PM
A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for
an elaborate funeral.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery,
she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely
nothing left from the $30,000."

The friend asks, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of
course I made a donation to the church -- that was $500,
and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks --
you know. The rest went for the memorial stone".

The friend says, "$22,500 for ? My God,
how big is it?"

The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

05-10-2006, 06:15 PM
This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is
wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion
sense." "Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings." "Oh, yeah, sure,"
says Bob sheepishly. "Really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever
since my wife found it in our bed!"

05-20-2006, 09:25 AM
Я обнаружила забавную грамматическую зарисовку. :) Вставлю и в эту тему, потому что это своеобразный анекдотик на и про английский язык :) :)

Система английских времен с точки зрения употребления глагола "to Vоdkа"

1. Во-первых, необходимо уяснить, что в исследуемом языке существуют глаголы:
1.1 неопределенные (Indеfinitе), то есть неизвестно, пьешь ты или не пьешь.
1.2 длительные (Соntinuоus), то есть ты пьешь и находишься в состоянии глубокого запоя.
1.3 завершенные (Реrfесt), то есть ты либо уже вышел из запоя, либо уже окончательно напился и вырубился.
2. Во-вторых, существует объективное:
2.1 настоящее (Рrеsеnt) - ваше отношение к спиртному
2.2 прошлое (Раst) - темное или светлое
2.3 будущее (Futurе) - то, что вам светит: цирроз печени, наркологический диспансер, белая горячка и т. п.
3. Теперь все смешиваем.
3.1. Рrеsеnt:
3.1.1. Рrеsеnt Indеfinitе (настоящее неопределенное) см. выше.
I vоdkа еvеrу dау. - Я пью водку каждый день. Вместо еvеrу dау можно употреблять выражения: usuаllу, sеldоm, оftеn, frоm timе tо timе, frоm mеlkауа роsudа, bоlshimi glоtkаmу...
3.1.2. Рrеsеnt Соntinuоus (настоящее длительное):
I аm vоdking nоw. - Я пью водку сейчас.
Для эмфатического усиления с этим временем можно употреблять наречия:
Hе is соnstаntlу vоdking! - Он постоянно поддатый!
3.1.3. Рrеsеnt Реrfесt (настоящее завершенное):
I hаvе аlrеаdу vоdkеd. - Я уже нажрамшись. (В ответ на предложение выпить).
3.1.4. Рrеsеnt Реrfесt Соntinuоus (настоящее завершенно-продолженное):
I hаvе bееn vоdking sinсе сhildhооd. - Я пью водку с детства. (тип inсlusivе). Я пил водку с детства (но уже не пью). (тип ехсlusivе).
3.2. Раst:
3.2.1. Раst Indеfinitе (прошедшее неопределенное):
I vоdkеd уеstеrdау. - Я напился вчера. (Hе путать со временем 3.1.3., там ты напился только что).
3.2.2. Раst Соntinuоus (прошедшее длительное):
Часто употребляется как придаточное предложение к главному во времени
3.2.1. Unfоrtunаnеlу, I wаs vоdking аt thе mоmеnt mу wifе саmе. - К несчастью, я пил водку в тот момент, когда пришла жена.
3.2.3. Раst Реrfесt (прошедшее завершенное): также употребляется как придаточное.
I hаd аlrеаdу vоdkеd whеn mу wifе саmе. - Я уже упился, когда вошла жена.
3.2.4. Раst Реrfесt Соntinuоus (прошедшее завершенно-продолженное).
I hаd bееn vоdking fоr аbоut а mоnth whеn mу wifе саmе. - Я пил водку уже около месяца, когда вошла моя жена.
3.3. Futurе:
3.3.1. Futurе Indеfinitе (будущее неопределенное).
I will vоdkа tоmоrrоw. - Я буду пить водку завтра.
Примечание: В придаточных предложениях времени и условия (то есть при отсутствии подходящего времени и условий) вместо времени 3.3.1. употребляется время 3.1.1.: If I vоdkа tоmоrrоw I will bе siсk thе dау аftеr tоmоrrоw. - Если я выпью завтра, я буду болеть послезавтра.
3.3.2. Futurе Соntinuоus (будущее длительное).
I will bе vоdking tоmоrrоw аt 5. - Я буду заниматься употреблением горячительных напитков завтра в пять.
Примечание: При горячем желании опохмелиться вместо времени 3.3.1. можно употреблять время 3.3.2.:
Sооn! Sооn I will bе vоdking. - Скоро! Скоро я буду пить водку!
3.3.3. Futurе Реrfесt (будущее завершенное): употребляется при планировании состояния опьянения.
Тоmоrrоw bу 5 о'сlосk I will hаvе vоdkеd. - Завтра к пяти я буду нажрамшись.
3.3.4. Futurе Реrfесt Соntinuоus (будущее завершенно-длительное):
Ву tоmоrrоw mоrning I will hаvе bееn vоdking fоr а tеrm. - К завтрашнему утру я буду пить водку семестр.
3.3.5 Futurе in thе Раst (будущее в прошедшем):
Wоuld уоu vоdkа in thе сhildrеn gаrdеn? - Хотели бы вы пить белую в детском саду?
Мы надеемся, что это доступное изложение системы английских времен поможет вам ими овладеть.

Автор пособия совершенно несправедливо обошел своим вниманием тот факт, что в системе времен английского языка существует кроме довольно активного (используемого автором)еще и пассивный залог(Passive Voice). Видимо, по молодости лет автор не прочувствовал всю глубину глагола To Vodkа... И я могу подтвердить это примерами, итак, по схеме автора:
Passive Voice
1. Present
1.1. Indefinite Tense
I am usually vodked .- Обычно меня поят водкой. (звучит,а?) (я думаю ни у кого не возникнет возражений по поводу того, что Тo Vodka-глагол правильный, поэтому я использую окончание -ed)
Вместо usually можно употреблять выражения:every day, seldom, often, from time to time и далее по оригиналу...
1.2. Present Continuous (настоящее длительное)
Man! I feel like a woman (танцевальный ритм от Shania Twain) and I can guess why!I am being hardly vodked at the moment. - Мужик, я счас ощущаю себя прямо женщиной какой-то и даже,блин,догадываюсь почему - меня уж очень поят водкой.. (кто девушку ужинает, тот ее и танцует...см. выше - залог пассивный)
1.3. Present Perfect (настоящее завершенное)
Пример: Where am I? Who am I? Have been vodked already, ik (с понижающейся интонацией).-Где я? Кто я? Напоили,с##и..,ик
2. Past
2.1. Past Indefinite (прошедшее неопределенное)
Пример: I was vodked yesterday.- Меня напоили вчера. (Зачем активно закладываться,например, перед женой?) Правда в случае с Past Continuous фраза приобретает более трагическое звучание, чем при использовании активного залога. Unfortunatly, I was being vodked at the moment my wife came. К несчастью,меня спаивали в тот момент, когда вошла моя жена.. также, впрочем, как и Past Perfect (прошедшее завершенное) Пример: I had already been vodked when my wife came. - Меня уже напоили, когда вошла моя жена.(no comments:)
3. Future
3.1. Future Indefinite (будущее неопределенное)
Пример: I feel I will be vodked soon ?/!- Чувствую, напоют меня скоро. (тот радостный момент, когда процесс становится необратимым)
В придаточных предложениях времени и условия: If I have not been vodked today I will vodka tomorrow . - Если меня не напоят сегодня, то напьюсь я завтра сам.(первая часть предложения-неудавшийся пассив, вторая - неизбежный актив).
3.2. Future Perfect (будущее завершенное)
Употребляется при планировании состояния опьянения за чужой счет со строго положительной вероятностью. Tomorrow by 5 o'clock I will have been fully vodked. - Завтра к пяти я буду в стельку пьян и не по своей инициативе и при любом раскладе.
Примечание: во временах неопределенно длительных (Present/Past/Future Perfect Continuous) а также в будущем продолженном (Future Continouos) пассив не существует...

05-20-2006, 10:27 PM
There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and
immediately sent to the Pearly Gates. As St. Peter was looking over their
files, he said, "You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you
in, you have to answer a question." So he asks the first nun, "What was the
name of the first man that God created?" "Adam," she replied. The lights
started flashing, music started playing, the angels started singing, and
then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she
went into the Pearly Gates. Then St.Peter asked the second nun, "What was
the name of the name of the first woman that God created?" "Eve," the nun
said. And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her
halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates. Then St. Peter asked
the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun,
clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied, "Gee, that's a
hard one." And the lights started flashing, the music started playing......

05-23-2006, 08:53 PM
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

05-25-2006, 09:58 PM
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a
magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said.
"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a
season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from
his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season
ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why
not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

05-26-2006, 08:05 PM
Two Women Talking In Heaven:
> 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
> 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
> 1st woman: I froze to death.
> 2nd woman: How horrible!
> 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
> 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
> 1st woman: So, what happened?
> 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
> 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........ We'd both still be alive.

05-28-2006, 08:17 PM
An Italian and a Greek were trying to out do
each other boasting about their culture and
The Italian: "We have the Coliseum and our
famous Roman Empire."
The Greek; "We have the Parthenon in
Athens and we invented Democracy"
The Italian: "Aaaah! But the British have your
Elgin Marbles in the British Museum which
they will never give back to you."
The Greek is really upset by this so he
decides to be outrageous and says. "Yes, but
the Greeks invented sex!!"
The Italian thinks for a moment and then
says ,"Aaaah yes, true, but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women!"

05-29-2006, 07:37 AM
A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a
> Black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is
> your name?"
> "I can't tell you" the black man says. Every night they meet and
> every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the
> same, he can't tell her.
> On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me
> your name? "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the
> Black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
> "Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
> And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and
> says, "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "I'm not making
> fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell
> him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!"

05-31-2006, 07:28 PM
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never
have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they
decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never
look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader`s store
and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one`s supplies he
laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What`s that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where
you`re going there are no women and you might need this." They said,
"No way! We`ve sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take
the boards with you, and if you don`t use them I`ll refund your money
next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into
the trader`s store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man
for one year." The trader said "Weren`t you in here last year with a

"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him"
said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies,
"I caught him in bed with my board!"

06-01-2006, 08:20 PM
Seniors having babies

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a
65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came
to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new
baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the
baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"

"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him."

06-01-2006, 08:23 PM
A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look ... I'm sorry,
but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable."

I met this gorgeous young woman in a bar, and one thing lead to another...
You know, the usual type of flirting, etc. I said, "Let's go back to my
place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No...But I have some
old ropes that should do just fine...

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common." said the
new tenant's neighbour. "Why on earth did you get married?" "I suppose it
was the old business of 'opposites attract'", was the reply. "He wasn't
pregnant and I was."

06-07-2006, 08:23 PM
Shot To The Heart

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart
since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to
someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart
would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound
to her knee.

06-08-2006, 08:52 PM
Whether you agree with it or not, it is so simplistic ... you've gotta' ask yourself: "why didn't someone think of it sooner"?

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately. Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida. Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a Win-win-win situation:

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

06-12-2006, 01:33 PM
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the
plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He''s crawling through the sand, certain that he
has breathed his
last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an
object sticking out of the
sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
sand, and discovers
what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray

There''s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has
a pencil
tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I
work. You have
three wishes."

"I''m not falling for this", said the cowboy.
"I''m not going to
trust an IRS genie."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose?
You''ve got no
transportation, and it looks like you''re a goner

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and
decides that the
genie is right.

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plenty of food
and drink."


The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful
oasis he has ever
seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and
platters of delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what''s your second

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my
wildest dreams."


The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure
chests filled
with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just
one more wish.
Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy
says... "I wish
that no matter where I go, beautiful women will
want and need me."


He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers
you anything,
there''s going to be a string attached

06-13-2006, 07:34 PM
What do you call motorcyclists
who don't wear their helmets ?

"Organ donors."

06-14-2006, 07:54 PM
Four married guys went fishing. While they were in the boat, following
conversation took place: First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be
able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will
paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: "That's nothing! I
had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the
kitchen for her." They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy
had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about
what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the
deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set the alarm for 5:30. When it went off, I shut
off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, `Fishing, or Sex,' and she
said, `Wear a sweater.'"

06-14-2006, 07:56 PM
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery,
the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to
retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove
back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a
medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

06-14-2006, 07:56 PM
The week I started a new job, my husband was out of town. On the day he was
to return, I thought it would be fun if he picked me up at work and we could
go out to dinner. I left a note on our dining-room table with my new number
and this message: "For a good time, call 555-1234." When my husband failed
to show up, I took the bus home. "Where were you?" I asked. "Didn't you get
my note?" "Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure who wrote

06-17-2006, 08:18 PM
One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to
find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the
door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one.
There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a
quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got
the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck
the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever
happens again, I'll have one."

06-17-2006, 08:21 PM
After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the
same time, faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded
parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my
vehicle easily. "Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that
to help me find my car. Where did you ever find it? Is it attached to your
key ring?" "Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."

06-19-2006, 04:20 PM
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods

06-19-2006, 04:20 PM
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."


06-19-2006, 04:22 PM

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

06-19-2006, 04:36 PM
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

06-20-2006, 07:47 PM
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the
dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.! I have two buddies sitting
out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the
anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a
10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30
already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very
brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and
show him."

06-21-2006, 08:02 PM
A husband reads an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife
replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

06-21-2006, 08:07 PM
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going
to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells
the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby
chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says,
"Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them
too deep or too far apart!"

06-21-2006, 08:08 PM
Three Irishmen are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle,
shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

The guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and bellies up
to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later the drunk comes back, points at the same
guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was

Again the guy refuses to take the bait and the drunk wanders

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom
even let me --"

Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad -- you're drunk."

06-21-2006, 08:11 PM
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam
and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process
of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam
answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave
a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and
took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam
emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And
the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy
that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What
is a 'caress'?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief
description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a
few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said,
"Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord
said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make
love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again
to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two
seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

06-21-2006, 10:42 PM
Three Irishmen are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle,
shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

The guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and bellies up
to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later the drunk comes back, points at the same
guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was

Again the guy refuses to take the bait and the drunk wanders

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom
even let me --"

Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad -- you're drunk."

Кракадил, я этот анек по русски слышал в вот таком виде:
мужик жалуется своим друзьям: сижу я в баре, а тут мой
бухой батяня на меня бросается с криками: еб твою мать!
и ведь нечего ему возразить!

06-22-2006, 08:52 PM
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next

My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old,
Steven, roughly jerking our poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father
appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?" "I don't
know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.

06-22-2006, 09:10 PM
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity;
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring
the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so
long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her
from here!"

07-02-2006, 05:44 AM
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday
morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist:
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told
him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few
minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the
fetal position still clasping his hands together at his

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She
gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she
loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began
to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell."

07-02-2006, 05:45 AM
A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they
reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a
deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who
shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer
belongs to whoever shoots it."

The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears
his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He rushes over and
finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering,
"All right, lady, all right--you can have the goddamn deer!
Just let me get my saddle off it!"

07-02-2006, 05:45 AM
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a
long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she
said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are
sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual
age. Tell me...how did you guess?"

Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is
seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

07-02-2006, 05:46 AM
Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked
past Ole's house and saw a sign that said, "Boat For Sale".
This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a
boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.

"Hey, Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat
says 'Boat For Sale', but ya don't even have a boat. All ya
have is your old John Deer tractor and combine."

Ole replied, "Yup, and dey're boat for sale".

07-04-2006, 08:09 PM
paddy and murphy decided to go for a drink.
they gathered all there money and amounded 50 pence.
they then went to the butchers and bought a sausage.
they went to a bar and orderd 2 pints of beer. when the waiter asked for the
bill, paddy put the sausage out of his fly and murphy started sucking it so
they would get kicked out. they kept doing this and at the 9th pub murphy
said "paddy i cant do this any more my knees are killing me." paddy said "
how do you thunk i feel? i lost the sausage at the 2nd pub!"

07-05-2006, 09:43 PM
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came
back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered
around to hear the details.

She said "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor."

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said, "I told him that a straight lay was

$100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him
that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much
either. Finally I said, well how much do you have? The
sailor said that he only had $25. So I told him for

$25 all I can do is service you by hand. He agreed and after
getting the finance straight, he pulled it out and I put
one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and
then the first hand above the second hand."

"Oh my god!" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge.
Then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.

07-05-2006, 10:13 PM
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't now," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

07-07-2006, 09:59 AM
A very unattractive, nasty, mean acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

The Wal-Mart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7.

"Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"

"Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"

07-12-2006, 12:43 PM
If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

07-14-2006, 11:29 AM
Here are the top ten reasons why men favor guns over women.

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason men favor guns over women....

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

07-16-2006, 01:36 PM
The Pope visits Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains
of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the
campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic
commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless
Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat,
and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while
struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free
himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican
loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into
the bear's chest... The other two reached up and pulled the
bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the
bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck
while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the
back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come
over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he
told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between
Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists
but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies
"Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied.
"He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all
wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to
all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear
hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need
to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"

07-17-2006, 03:22 PM
Body: Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't. trust me

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is dumbass cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down.


07-17-2006, 09:23 PM
A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing
four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The only A+ in the class read: "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant!!! I
wonder who did it?"

07-17-2006, 09:40 PM
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle
of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot
of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks
in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!
Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy,
relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his
stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries
out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the
milkman usually get bucked off!"

07-18-2006, 07:28 PM
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students,
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family,
and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you
say to her?" Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss." The
teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part." Johnny
replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet"
during a meal, is unpleasant. So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me
for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to
be able to introduce to you after dinner."

07-18-2006, 07:34 PM
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says,
"Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a
maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this
is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with
someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to
the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears
footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What
should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?!
There's no pool here?" Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"

07-19-2006, 08:13 PM
Moose Hunting

Two Swedes - Sven and Ole - got a pilot to fly them to
Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the
pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

Sven and Ole objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and
the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type
plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were

Even on full power, however, the little plane couldn't
handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we

"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last

07-19-2006, 08:14 PM
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not
wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and
bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts,
sandals,sunglasses, etc...

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their
"tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying
adrink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead
gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking
straighttowards them.They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good
morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding
andaddressing each of them, then moved on.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they
were priests?

The next day, they went back to the store and bought even
more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could HEAR
them before you even saw them.

Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the
beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a
string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking

Again, she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning,
Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
"Just a minute, young lady . . ."

"Yes?" she replied.

"We ARE priests, and proud of it, I have to know. But how
in the world did you KNOW we are priests, dressed as

"Father," she replied, "it's me, Sister Mary Frances."

07-20-2006, 08:06 PM
A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny
holding a list. "Lady," Johnny explained, "I'm on a
scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a
pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can
earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a
challenging hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

07-20-2006, 08:07 PM
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to
recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to
the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put
some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was
it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a
complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and you insulted the president
of the company, right to his face."

"He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did", came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

07-23-2006, 09:26 PM
A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car
and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the
rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin
opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history occurs.

It's not very long before police show up. A cop, clearly enraged, runs
toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is
going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

07-24-2006, 09:54 PM

The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided
to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who
volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The
officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From
the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip
of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly
exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

07-25-2006, 08:51 AM
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

07-25-2006, 07:15 PM
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long
list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper,
she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow
such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper
and cook than you, Madame. He has told me himself." The rich bitch just
scowled and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am
better in bed than you!" "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No,
Madame," said the maid. "The chauffeur told me that!"

07-28-2006, 10:24 PM
A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into
bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the
bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under,
top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the
shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

07-28-2006, 10:26 PM
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,
son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of
that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three
and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for
Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks
"Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for
Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks,
picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March."

07-30-2006, 05:58 PM
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the
night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he
said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in
the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor. The next
morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond.
"Hi," he said, "who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?" "I'm stupid," he

07-30-2006, 05:59 PM
"Father Reilly," the Mother Superior reported, "I just thought you should
know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent." "Oh good," the priest
replied, "I was really getting tired of the Chablis."

07-31-2006, 11:47 PM
ok, here is a Golden Oldie,Do not know if you all heard it but here it goes:

One day, Papa Dog come to Baby Dog and says:" Son, you've grown up and it's time for us to go for a walk so I can explain to you the meaning of Dog's Life, as my father has explained to me, long time ago. Follow me and do as I do"

So the started on the journey. As the walk along the alley, Papa Dog sees a trash can, sniffs around, digs in, pulls out half a hamburger and eats it.
Baby dog follows his lead, sniffs around, get a piece of hamburger and eats it.

So the go on. Suddenly,they run into two cute little female strays. Papa dog sniffs one of them, humps her, and mates with her.
Baby Dog, tries to follow his father and sniffs another stray, humps her, and tries to mate with her.

They continue their journey. They come to a long alley of trees. Papa Dog sniffs every tree then pisses on it and goes to the next one and does the same.
After a while Baby Dog runs out of pee. He barks at his father:" Daddy, Daddy wait. Please tell me why do we have to piss on all those trees. I can understand the part about finding a hamburger, or bonning those cute female dogs, BUT WHY do we have to piss on every single one of those tree?"
Papa Dog looks at his son and says: " As you granfather has passes this wisdom to my father and as my father has passed it to me, I am passing it to you: If you can't eat it or f#@k it.......... piss on it"

08-04-2006, 12:45 PM
Урфин, тут так получилось как то теме как бы о собаках или о их еде...

Funny Story

I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of
Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman
behind me asked if I had a dog (?)

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is why
I ended up in the hospital. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the
street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have to have CPR to get over
his convulsions.

08-08-2006, 11:14 AM
This story made me laugh and I hope it does the same trick for you:


An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?! "

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square ."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10< /o:p>
o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, !
"Oh, it's probably because I b et him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

08-08-2006, 11:43 AM
This is what came to my (Mikail-u's) mind based on last political events:

Democratic primaries. Joe Lieberman is trailing the leftist billionaire Ned Lamont. Joe calls Bill Clinton who is not willing to pick the receiver, but the voice-mail says: ”Mr. Lieberman, if you know your Party’s extension…”

08-18-2006, 02:07 AM
This is why Tech Support is so important....

Subject: Mouse Balls

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

"Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls re replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

08-21-2006, 10:24 PM
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"

08-26-2006, 07:00 PM
A young man was walking the streets of Paris. Suddenly he saw a
rottweiler attacking a young girl. He jumped on the dog, struggled
with him and strangled it. Both he and the girl escaped with minor

Immediately excited journalists surrounded him and said:
What is your name?All Paris will hear of you, and the headlines
will be: "A Parisian hero saved a little girl from a savage dog".

Said the man:I am not Parisian.

The journalists: O.K, so all France will hear of you and the
headlines will be :"A French hero saved a little girl from a savage

The man: But I am not French.

Journalists: OK, so all Europe will hear of you and the headlines
will read: "A European hero saved a little girl from a savage dog".

The man: But I am not from Europe.
Journalists: So where are you from?

The man: I am from Israel.

Journalists: OK, so all the world will hear of you and the headline
in all of tomorrow's papers will read: "Israeli killed a little girl's dog."

09-18-2006, 09:52 AM
In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of!!!

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence
indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing
statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted,
resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise
for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute,
the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all
looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that
you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed,
and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes
later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw
all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "You're right, we all did look... but your
client didn't."