Jerry Springer show [Archive] - RussianAmerica Forum

Krakadil

03-17-2006, 08:09 PM

The Jerry Springer Show : Episode 627 : "Marriage Meltdown!"

[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]

Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Bruce is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, Michael. So everyone, please put your hands together for Bruce!

[The crowd whoops and hollers]

Jerry: Okay, now Bruce you're here to talk about someone aren't you?

You: Yes.

Jerry: And what is this other person's name?

You: Dorothy.

[The crowd squeals with delight]

Jerry: Okay, okay, well Dorothy, is actually here tonight ...

[The crowd squeals]

Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Bruce, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... John!

You: What the HELL!!!

[Out of nowhere you pull out a machine gun. John reaches for the sofa. Out of the shadows Jenny appears]

Jenny: Wait everybody, wait!

Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here John.

John: Because I saw Bruce and Jenny making out at Macy's!

[The crowd goes absolutely insane]

Jenny: That's a lie! I was home watching Apprentice!

Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem John?

John: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Michael who has recently become engaged to Jenny.

[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]

Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Michael out here because Bruce had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... Dorothy that's right!

Michael: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Dorothy! You know how I feel about Dorothy!

Jenny: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Dorothy!

Michael: Because I knew that I could never have Dorothy. But Bruce promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!

Jenny: What about respect for my feelings!

[John walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Michael]

John: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.

[Again the crowd squeals]

Jenny: Oh my God! Are you sick!?

[Jenny runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]

Jenny: Bruce take me away from all of this!

You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...

[The crowd does its bit]

Jenny: Married?

[You nod]

Jenny: Who the hell are you married to? When ... when did this happen? I don't understand!

You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Dorothy.

Michael: [screaming] WHAT!!!

Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?

Dorothy: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 561 times if that's what you mean.

[The crowd squeals]

Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight ... Bruce is married to Dorothy who Michael has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Michael has recently become engaged to Jenny who was recently spotted kissing Bruce in Macy's. Now on top of this, John has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Michael.

Dorothy: That's right Jerry.

Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.

[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]